The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Finale

Last night’s season finale of The Bachelor was completely standard in the way that Chris B. Harrison and the ABC editing team put their all into making it seem completely not standard. In addition to being the most self-proclaimed dramatic/romantic/heartfelt/suspenseful/tearful season finale EVER, we got a pretty normal dose of parental worry, pre-rose anxiety, and mildly pissed off heartbreak.

As usual, someone’s parents objected on the basis of them not having spent enough time together. But really, stop acting like you didn't know this might happen when you raised a reality dating show contestant. Sean’s mom is really crying because Sean’s unsure of who he’s going to pick? Did you have this big of a breakdown when he was applying to college?

“Smith, are we gonna help Uncle Seanny pick out a girl?” – Good idea Sean, after this long and dramatic journey to find a wife into which ABC has funneled millions of hours, dollars, and recycled metaphors, you should definitely let your 5-year-old nephew pick the winner. This makes as much sense as a conversation about world geography with Lindsay. But after seeing how adorable and mean little Smith was, we couldn’t help but love him:  “Emily didn't pick you!”

Honestly, I get that this show wasn’t made for the likes of cynical people such as myself but watching all the fucking enthusiasm about relationships and dating and reality TV that are such obvious bullshit was akin to watching Alec Baldwin as the enthusiastic guy on that episode of Friends where he’s dating Phoebe.

Here’s a list of shit Simple Sean thinks are the shit:

– His relationship with Lindsay: “We've done so much together. We fed monkeys. It was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever done”

– A life with Lindsay: “A life with Lindsay would be fun and never dull.” COME ON SEAN SHE”S NOT EVEN A REAL TEACHER.

– General Lindsay-ness: “You've been such a surprise.” “You're crazy fun!”

– Thailand: “This is the most beautiful scenic place I’ve ever seen.” Keep in mind this guy said the same thing about the state of Montana a couple of weeks ago.

And of course, Sean has to do the obligatory and probably contractually obligated “I claim to be in love with two women” bullshit at least 5 times before 9:30. Even though I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife. But I think I’ve come up with a solution. Let's be Mormon.


Lindsay: I really love you.
Sean: I know.
Lindsay: Like, I love you more than ever.
Sean: I know

Lindsay says that winning The Bachelor and being with Sean is going to make her the woman she wants to be. Aim higher.

I wish Sean would drown Lindsay after pushing her off this raft in the middle of Thailand. The Thai raft rower looks he’d be D to help bury the body.

Sean teaching Lindsay about South Pacific geography (“There’s Laos!”) and Lindsay's like, I didn't have to know this to sub for Mrs. Jones' fourth grade class so I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about!

Sean's dad is like Ross Geller, he can make a 3 second speech and make everyone cry.

The way Sean just said “unfortunately she's gotta leave us now” about Lindsay felt so ominous like he was going to take her downstairs and chop her up.

Sup with that seriously gay robins egg blue tee, Sean?

Lindsay's voice for another thirty years? I'd rather be a substitute teacher. 

“I can picture you being a hot old chick…but I don’t want to.”

Lindsay: I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.
Sean: Well you'll find out tomorrow.

I feel like the things that are going on in Lindsay’s head are pictures of rainbows, butterflies, and army pants.

Lanterns?! What is this TANGLED 2.

I can’t tell if the producers purposely make the girl who's not going to win look uglier in the finale. That dress color and fit on her = not okay.


Catherine keeps spouting out random clichés combined in sentences that don't really make any sense: “It's a big risk to be yourself in these situations so today is an important day.”

Catherine: “When Sean sent me a note that said 'I love the way your nose crinkles when you smile.' I knew that we had the same sense of humor.” You guys are fucking hilarious.

Catherine pulls a Sean and dramatically chases after the Bachelor in the off hours. Maybe they really are meant to be.

Sean: “Unfortunately Catherine's gotta go so uh, Catherine, seriously, get the fuck out.”

“Everything about Thai culture excites Catherine.” That’s so racist Sean.

I wonder if Sean picked elephant riding in an effort to make Catherine’s legs look thinner by comparison.

“Rose ceremony”

“Today is the best day of my life.” Sorry Linds, unless you're going to In and Out Burger after this, your day is gonna suck balls.

Why would anyone want to get proposed to in the exact same spot Sean just broke up with his other girlfriend 5 minutes ago?

This is the second Bachelor season in a row that a Lindsay/Lindzi is the first place loser. One spells her name stupidly and the other is just stupid.

Despite our love of #90 high heels, Lindsay taking hers off seemed like a chill “I don’t give a fuck” move and our respect for her increased at the very last second.

If I’m speculating, I think this is what Sean really meant to say to Lindsay but wasn’t allowed by the network/is too big of a pussy to be this honest: “I want to give you my heart so bad but you wore that stupid fucking wedding dress on the first night.”

Lindsay: Is it me?
Sean: No. It's your voice.

Lindsay can't imagine her life without Sean but all she has to do is think back to six weeks ago.

Ah, ABC’s first ethnic winner of The Bachelor. Very impressive. Sellout reality TV love is now no longer a white-woman-exclusive.

Honestly, I figured the letter was from Catherine since Lindsay probably can't spell. If I were Catherine I'd be pretty pissed the producers made me actually handwrite AND narrate a love letter so they could exploit it as a cliffhanger. This isn't the Notebook, she could’ve sent a fucking email. Imagine if Sean opened up his note from Catherine and it said “I have genital herpes :)” But really ABC, we don't need a fucking live reading of this shit. This isn’t sorority senior sendoff.

Catherine's reaction during Sean’s proposal was like someone was stabbing her in the stomach with a sword. Like, she looked like she was mid heart attack. Now, if she had dropped dead on the spot, THAT would be the most dramatic bach season finale ever.

Studio Audience/After the Final Rose

The fans who attend the after the final rose are even more pathetic than anyone who competes in the actual show. Do they put an ad out in Ladies Home Journal to find these weirdos: Looking for middle aged moms who haven’t had sex in at least three years yet still believe true love can be found on network television and enjoy loudly gasping at underwhelming moments.

Jackie was on this show for a total of 10 minutes, why is she on the expert panel for who Sean is going to pick?

How could Chris Harrison call AshLee's exit the most emotional on the show? She said nothing.

AshLee: I think I'm way more of an uptight bitch than both Catherine and Lindsay.

You and Lindsay “stayed in prayer” all week!? Those who pray together apparently do not stay together.

Sean's crying, Catherine's not. Who will wear the pants?

I hate when people pretend that they're airing their wedding on national television for anything other than money.

Desiree is the new Bachelorette. Her brother is probably already at home google searching Walmart for an AK-47 in preparation for the hometown dates. I bet he applied to be a contestant on her season.


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