The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

On last night’s Bachelor Chris showed off his love of tractors, pools, and zombies which I’m pretty sure is definitely a popular Hinge bio in Iowa. I heard that this season was going to be filmed mostly in the USA because Chris is a small town boy and he don’t need no’ fancy Europe y’all.

Anyway, Chris took back a desperate Kimberly only to reject her again a week later after getting to see her bod in a bikini. Rejecting her was so nice he did it twice! We really got to see Chris’ type, which appears to be psychotic exorcist types and makeup artists with blue eyes. This season has more than it’s fair share of crazies and I can legitimately say I’m excited to watch Ashley S. burn down the Bachelor house and murder the rest of the contestants. I just hope to God we don’t have to hear Whitney’s voice when that happens as it already sounds like a dying bird on a normal day.

End Of Last Rose Ceremony

These girls are just sitting on the floor like they’re waiting for chapter to start.

WTF, why is it morning? Was the first episode a fucking slumber party? Where is this episode located? Ibiza?

Chris: Now what the young ladies in this house need is an attitude makeover. I will keep you here all night!

Chris B. Harrison: You can only keep them here until 4. I ought to cancel your trip to the Caribbean but I’m not going to do that because I already paid the ‘surprise’ live band.

Kaitlyn is about to cut a bitch. She’s going be the competitive maniac of the season.

Chris has a pow wow with Chris B. Harrison where he tells him how lucky he is for the millionth time by overusing words like “wow” and “yeah.”

Chris: These women are all beautiful. Brunette, blonde I don’t care you know as long as they’re like, white.

Chris Harrison to the girls: He said many times that this is the most important thing he will ever do in his life other than that time he harvested butternut squash.

Chris B. Harrison: Chris lives literally next door so you can go next door and have sex with him when you want, we encourage it.

What’s with Chris’ American Apparel hoodie with no shirt on?

“Hoodie, no shirt, yeah I look good.” – Chris.

Tractor Racing Group Date

When he says tractor race you can tell all the girls wanted to say ‘ew’ but instead forced fake excitement.

Why is Kimberly’s interview on the street in a bathing suit?

How many times can Chris say how fucking lucky he is? I’m over it.

Ew he used to have his ear pierced. Mackenzie decides the best way to spend the first date is to critique his physical appearance and tell him he’ll do just fine because she loves big noses and fascist haircuts.

Chris, you’re shocked she’s talking about aliens on a first date? She named her fucking kid Kale. This date is like pulling teeth. He’s not going to think you’re a psychopath because you have a son, he’s going to think you’re a psychopath because you named him after your favorite vegetable smoothie.

Mackenzie literally looks like a child – can she straighten her hair? She talks about her son like her Chihuahua. “He’s like amazing when he sees something cool he’s like, ‘cool!’”

“I knew when you saw Kale you couldn’t resist him.” What was he supposed to say, “mehh he’s not that cute. Bit of an overbite.”

After all that shit he talked about her he gives her the rose WTF.

Date with Megan

Megan is such a freak and her face annoys me. Beware Chris, at first it’s always the stupid girls who seem really fun.

“The most beautiful blue eyes in North America”??? I can’t even see them.

Chris then takes the rose out of his man purse.

That Grand Canyon doesn’t even look that cool, what gives?

Okay so she was like a ditz 30 seconds ago and this deep woman in the canyon! #deepinthecanyon

Random Shit That Happened At The House

Juelia has a daughter and her husband died which is actually pretty sad.

Mackenzie: He kissed me like 5 times and then once more when we went to the car. Then I changed my tampon, then he kissed me again. – Mackenzie has no idea that you are not supposed to brag to the people who are going to do that same shit back to you.

Megan, who was hitting her head against the wall 3 seconds ago thought the date card was just a love note because apparently she’s never watched the show before.

The less the commitment the girl has to her job, the bigger mess she is drunk aka Jordan the student was AMAZING.

It’s super embarrassing that she called out Jillian for having a hairy ass I can’t wait to see this go down at the Women Tell All.

Zombie Apocalypse Date

Chris took them zombie hunting? This is like the equivalent of being taken to Q-Zar on a date. Pass.

“Do not put a weapon in Ashley S.’s hand.” 

Kaitlyn is so competitive she’s going to try and murder one of these bitches and blame it on Zombie world.

It’s pretty impressive to see these girls running around killing zombies and having fun,” said no one ever besides Chris.

Is there an official in-house roofier? Because 75% of these girls can’t form a coherent sentence.

Kaitlyn: Has any girl ever made you breakdance before?
Chris: No dancing is outlawed in my town in Iowa.

Chris is like that loser in high school that none of the girls ever spoke to but was like shadily hot once you found out his parents had a lot of money and bitched you around in his truck and then he took you to the prom and you get really fucked up because you didn’t really want to go with him but he still takes you home and tucks you in and doesn’t try and have sex with you. Yeah, that guy.

Someone slipped Ashley some mushrooms. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the Producers.

Ashley S in the zombie field double killing all the actors pretending to be zombies, she has to be wasted.

Chris should not go alone in the dark with psycho Ashley S. I’m pretty sure she’s channeling Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body.

“I think she’s having a nervous breakdown on television.”

Ashley S.: You don’t want to lose your soul.
Chris: That’s a fact

Brit looks a lot like Angelina Jolie and Geena Davis put together!!! I forgot Chris loves handwritten notes like his secret admirer notes he used to write to Andi that she def thought were from serial killer Nick V. the whole time. Did Chris learn penmanship in a one room schoolhouse?

Whitney knows how to play the game with this picnic. Chris is so meat and potatoes he’s like ACTUALLY that guy whose way to his heart is through food.

Mackenzie: Guys like taking your virginity! – Now we know how MacKenzie got herself pregnant. She won’t shut the fuck up about how lucky Ashley is to be a virgin I think Mackenzie wants to devirginize her herself to lessen the competition.

Given that we saw the women Chris went to high school with last season I wouldn’t be surprised if he lost his virginity to a goat. 

Ashley I: You have three wishes on my belly button ring. ::proceeds to contaminate bellybutton ring with bacteria by rubbing it::

Ashley is a really weird, aggressive, over compensating kisser and their make out session made me very nauseous. It actually looked like she was eating his face. She must be really horny from being a virgin.

Being a virgin is so trendy these days. #janethevirgin

Jordan’s drinking problem is awkward but really entertaining.

Of course you’ve never met such a great group of girls Chris your town has only 400 people.

Jillian steps forward and trips when she thinks Chris calls her, which is the most embarrassing thing on this show since some girl mistook Juan Pablo’s accent for saying her name instead of someone else’s. Derek Zoolander award of the season.

OMG get it together Tara you walked in on the show in shorts and a flannel did you really think you were going to win?

Chris shows that in order to get a rose you have to be blackout or a fucking maniac he would’ve done amazing in my sorority.


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