The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

Can we just talk about how entertaining Bachelor Pad is? Because if we can't, then the next conversation will have to be a debate over how much ABC paid Night Ranger to ruin their song. But we suppose both convos go hand in hand, because after seeing Sarah's rendition of “dancing” I don't think I have the right to call my awkward friend awkward anymore. Let's just say if we had changed the song from “Sister Christian” to Knife Party's “Rage Valley,” Sarah would still look like she was a mentally challenged girl in the midst of an orgasm while getting electric shock treatment.

Slutty Jeopardy Challenge

And the award for most Bachelor knowledge and biggest loser goes to Sarah.

Blakeley, why do you keep playing after you've already lost? Like, Tony is up there dying and you're like “Omg I totes know which contestant was the first to give head!”

The elimination was hysterical. Chris is like, “I don't like any of you guys, except you Tony. You're my only real friend here and you're here to make money to take care of your son soooo I'm kicking you off.”

If I was playing the shot-word-game and taking a shot every time Chris said the word 'albeit' I would've been very drunk. Albeit, he has no fucking clue how to spell albeit.

Oh shucks Blakeley, guess it's back to waxing poon.

Painful Singing Challenge

Ah a competition that tests talents such as singing, dancing, and wearing eyeliner, skills that none of these contestants happen to have. So clearly it's the most important.

It seems kind of absurd to hold this concert in front of hundreds of people who all have to keep quiet about who won. If I were in this crowd I would've been like, do I really have to watch them perform the same song horribly, not just one but three times? And then I won't even have the option to tell Reality Steve who won?

Anyway, Nick actually looked kind of hot, despite his wig and like, his face.

There is a zero percent chance that Jaclyn and Ed were not fucking wasted during that performance. Like I was dying, what are you doing? I can't watch, I can, but I can't.

Jaclyn forgot the lyrics so she decided to dry hump Ed on stage instead.

It did not go unnoticed that the venue was called Palladium and that the lead singer of Night Ranger looks like my aunt Sue.

“I'm not sure if Sarah is dancing or there's something legitimately wrong with her” – Jaclyn

“Obviously we're not tone deaf” – Sarah

The Glee coaches were like, Lauren Zizes is about as pretty as your voice.”

The more appropriate song for their collective vocal range would have been Smelly Cat.

Rose Ceremony

Rachel acted in pure selfishness which is totally okay because now that the show is over she can buy a bar tab for her and Jac. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that Chris and S-Club-7 might win.

Plus, I know that Jaclyn is over it because Rachel and Jac are like, all over instagram together.

The more important question is, what the fuck is going to happen next week during the most “shocking and disturbing Bachelor Pad finale ever!?” Will Sarah dance for us again? Will Blakeley publicly wax her mustache? Will Jamie tattoo stars on her face? … Oh wait.



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