The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

Now that some of the freaks and the superfans are outie and we know all the contestants' names, Bachelor Pad is actually prettay prettay good.

Chris couldn't have picked the wrong week to fuck with Blakeley because now all he has is Stoopid Sarah as his partner in china-carrying. Speaking of the Blakester, who's the moron who told her that wearing a lot of neon green will make everyone overlook the fact that she's pushing 40?

The Great Fall of China Challenge

“Yes! So glad I worked at hooters for 13 years! I'm so excited for this challenge because I was a cocktail waitress, so I'm used to carrying lots of plates while whoring myself for money”

Meanwhile the rest of the cast complains that Blakeley is at an unfair advantage because while they were busy working real jobs that may or may not require a degree, B was in special ops training for carrying cups. Erica Rose wishes there was a challenge more suited to her strengths. Sorry Erica, I don't think a BJ contest is on the agenda.

This game is just a waste of perfectly good tea cups.

Surprise, Blakeley wins. THANK YOU HOOTERS!! (her words not ours)

Relax B, you don't need to coach Tony to stack these cups. They're fucking cups. Who are you, Mrs. Potts?

Kalon and Lindzi date

Kalon's like, a Bentley? I have three.

It turns out Kalon is pretty awkwardo with the date conversation. “I imagine that if zombies took over the world, this is what it would be like, you and me on a bridge.” Then he whips out the mindfuck I love you. “I could possibly consider thinking seriously about maybe being in love with you…or not.”

Lindzi laughs like a retard, prob because she's secretly one.

Blakeley and Tony date

The orchestration of Blakeley and Tony's date to a trailer park was obviously another genius move by the ABCMT and clearly the farthest thing from a coincidence, as much as Blakeley wants to think she “picked” this date by chance. “Diamonds shmiamonds, overnight date is the money date, that's where I can charge Tony by the hour”

Blakeley gets a map, a jeep, and a date with a lumber salesman. I would've much rather seen Kalon on this trailer date, j saying.

Blakeley's pig tails scream, I'm feelin' real down home in the trailer park, leyytttt's grill me up some squiiiirrellll! She is totally momma from Water Boy.

Ew I just realized they have to spend the night in this fucking trailer.

bachpadNone of this will ever be yours, Jaclyn!

We love watching Chris B Harrison trying to stir the pot by making Ed publicly shame Jaclyn into saying he's just not that into her. During their private conversation (following the public embarrassment), you could hear crickets, literally. At the end Ed gives Jaclyn a delusional dater handshake.

Rose Ceremony

Erica: So I did the math, there are 7 votes against Lindzi, Lindzi is probs going home.
Tony: I don't want to sound conceited but I know who everyone's voting for and I did the math, and Erica's definitely going home.

Chris always pulls this move where, right before someone is about to give a rose that he knows he isn't getting, he pulls them aside and mindfucks them to get what he wants. He did it to Emily, he will do it to you.

He also has a proclivity to refer to himself as a “grown ass man”…. sooo there's that. 

OH wow Erica just went cray with that really mean rant against Michael. Besties no more. That was way harsh Tai.

Can everyone stop fucking crying? This isn't a group dinner episode of the Real Housewives.

Rachel's like, I love Michael, but I love the 250 thousand dollar prize and a chance to possibly be the future Bachelorette more.

Finally, despite Erica's repeated threats in the teasers that if she gets kicked off she's bringing the whole house down with her, the Bachelor mansion is still standing. Magical.


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