The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 4

Literally I imagine waiting for this season to end is what it feels like to pass a kidney stone. I'm almost sure we could recap this show without even watching, we'd just have to completely ignore all reality and truth in favor of the most delusional statements we can dream up. I hope for the sake of all involved that ABC budgeted for onsite psychiatric counseling, or at least a metal detector for Blakeley.

The best part of the show is turning out to be Kalon's one liners. “When you put a dog down, you pet its head first, right?”

Bachelor Trivia Challenge

We can all acknowledge that the whole point of the Who Said That? game was a euphemism for 'a summary of the shit everyone is talking about each other that our camera crew missed/couldn't be edited into the short 2-hour episode.' I love the dramatic music for the question about who got the biggest boner when the girls came out in unitards.

Blakeley obviously lied about her number on the quiz and then, after ranting about how much she “hates liars,” bragged about lying. She needs to just admit that the questionnaire didn't provide space for 4 digits.

I kind of want to bang Stag’s sense of humor.

Does Erica really eat her hair!? Don't bite too hard Er, those cheap extensions might fall out.

David had the lowest scores. And he calls himself a fan.

Jaclyn/Ed date

Ed and Jaclyn are like the fugly duckling couple, I really hope he doesn’t get her preggers. The child would signal the arrival of an aesthetic apocalypse. Too bad Ed missed when he almost hit her in the face with a baseball, she could've really used another NJ.

“Who doesn’t have a crush on Ed?” – umm, me. Is Jaclyn as blind as she is grotesque?

Jacs is hardcore delusional dating right now. Ed is like, woah woah woah, who the fuck said anything about a sacrifice? Sorry Jac, just because Ed let you give him a BJ doesn't mean you're a thing. 


“Chris is my partner.. and he's cheering for Sarah instead of me.. we were supposed to be partners till the end! …I won't just be ignored, BEN!”

Blakeley and Rachel crying in the pool is so Taylor Armstrong/Kyle Richards Beaver Creek season 2.

“If I'm here tomorrow I'm gonna donkey punch him in the throat. You don't bite the hand that gives you blow jobs.” – Blakeley, least empty threat 2012

Chris/Sarah date

So the date starts out as a weird James Bond car chase through the parking lot where they probably filmed like Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift. The tiny Asian man from the Hangover greets them. Why don't you suck on these little Chinese nuts?

ABCMT was probably like, action movie… getting action? Ahh see what we did there? The insurance on this date is probably more than the prize money.


“I love sexually harassing boys until they feel forced to bed me a good chase.”

Jamie's like the crazy cat in the litter. We were going to officially dedicate post #70 the delusional dater to her, but we're afraid she might get attached.

Jamie: Do you like me?
Chris: I do like you
Jamie: A lot?
Chris: Maybe.

“Chris is so loyal and so respectful. I would be so blessed to be with him. He has all the qualities I look for in a husband. Chris and I have more chemistry than any other couple here.” – Jamie

“With me and Jamie, there's absolutely no chemistry” – Chris

Rose Ceremony

How burned is Blakely? Her face looks charred.

The spring fling queen is always pretty. It should be Jamie but no one votes for her because she's such a slut.

David “the last fan standing”

“Leaving the house is the saddest thing I'll ever do.” – I think that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. At least he can die happy.


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