The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Another week, another set of tears/twins/whores. I don't think I would ever want to be on this show, it seems like it's just a constant pregame but without being allowed to go out afterward, meh.

During this episode of Bachelor Pad we learn that double the fun does not always equal double the pleasure and that Chris is one lucky motherfucker. The reason we say lucky, and not smart nor hot, is because he is only that, lucky. This idiot, who is marginally attractive only from a couple yards distance, is being fawn over by two sociopathic sluts while somehow managing to be “the front runner.” No seriously, how is this guy a front runner, has anyone seen his archery skills?? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! He seemed to have blossomed from the ugly duckling of the Bachelorette into the average looking goose of the Bachelor Pad, excelling in a pool of mediocrity.

The Twins

Tweedle dee and Tweedle dumbass are at it again, arguing over who cares about the other more and who is a bigger skank. Little do they know that despite their past blow job record, they're both equally as skanky and the person who cares about them the most is fucking no one.

For example, “Omg if the twins leave I will be so sad” – said no one ever.

I don't even know who's who.” – Jaclyn

“How quickly do they go from 'best friend dressed identically i love each other, omg sister!' to I HATE YOU, EL DIABLO'” – Michael Stag

Even Situation 2.0 couldn't even be bothered to wake up to say bye to the twin(?) he was hooking up with…how low must that twin feel.

Whatever, turned out that Thing 1 and Thing 2 put themselves back in the box, and they didn't even need the Cat.


“Shopping and gymnastics, what else do you have to do with your life?”

Kalon is like really good at inception


“I want to do something like a hammer toss or something more DUDE like..” Oh rhythmic gymnastics isn't dude-enough for you? Why don't you give having an emotional breakdown on national TV a whirl…

Did the the twins' childish bickering trigger yet another hysterical fit from Tony because you miss your kids?

Michael / Donna / Lindzi / Rachel

I think if you're the guy who wins at rhythmic gymnastics you automatically lose at life.

OMG Michael I'm so upset I didn't get invited to this date, it's literally my dream to make out with two people in a barn to the tunes of a Creed cover band.

What the fuck was this semi-private concert anyway? Is the Bachelor Pad not able to afford a private affair? Budget low, gotta sell at least 100 tickets to random people.

Michael's like, “Oh you drew a scarily yet really good detective-like sketch of me? Okay I will kiss you.”

Rachel bachel bo bachel banana fanna fo fachel, mi my mo machel..Rachel. That's what goes on in Rachel's head.

Oh was Lindzi on this date?


Please be funnier, I'm bored.


Sarah gets the stupid bitch award for the night for voting Ed off then telling him about it. A very large honor considering she was also competing against the twins. Seriously though, stop crying.

“To be honest I hooked up with Ed and i feel betrayed, so I'm gonna vote him off, then I'm going to tell him, and then apologize, and then cry about it because he looked like, so upset.” The females on this show are a horrible representation of females.

You sound and look like the emphysematous older sister of Miley Rae Cyrus.

So clearly Sarah gave Ed a blow job.


Ed is a drunk betch.


Chris, you're a fucking moron. You literally need to pull off manipulating these two women for ONE night to get “good with the girls” and in one evening you get it bad with the girls, no scratch that, you stepped in a big pile of girl shit. 

“I just have to man up and let Blakeley rape me”

“If David gets the rose tonight someone will die.” Chill, Polish hulk.

“Me and Blakeley just need to solidify the alliance.”  What, is this fucking Game of Thrones?

Blakely / Jamie

You're psycho, and unfortunately sleep below Jamie. Jamie has the biggest case of the crazy eyes, like I wouldn't be surprised if the plot of the Roommate began to unravel. Look Blakeley I put your waxing kit in the drying machine…muahaha!




You pretend to be drunk so that you and Ed will hook up but then in the morning pretend like you were so drunk you can't believe you hooked up with Ed in order to agree with Ed that it was a mistake when he inevitably tells you that it was.


Your glasses make you look older, too bad they don't make you taller.


We kind of like him because he's ugly cute, but also not cute at all, but like you kind of feel bad for him, so we like him in a teddy bear kind of way, but kind of not because he's too ripped to be huggable so we're back to just not giving a shit.

For a second I thought Chris got into a soapbox accident and fucked up his face, then I realized that was David


is the maybe definitely gay bro.


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