The Best Bachelor Pad Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Now that the most boring bachelorette of all time is happily engaged to an infant, Bachelor Pad is a huge breath of fresh air for us. This is some seriously betchy shit. Blacking out, fake smiles, wine. It's a betchtopia. We also like that you don't have to pretend like you're trying to find love and it's perfectly acceptable to say you're there for the wrong reasons. At the same time it’s kinda sad that all these people are about to humiliate themselves for like 3 months and all they can get is less than an epi of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

So anyway, why are these creepy ass fans on the show? Is this like, I know what you did last summer… at the Bachelor Pad. I mean, I don’t really understand the super-fans at all. Like I could not have anything less in common with them. You are openly admitting to being even less chill than the desperate hot people who participate on this show. Could they have not had at least one cool fan who watches it ironically and has a trust fund?

Did anyone realize that whenever Chris Harrison greeted one of the fans in the beginning, whom he's fully aware is about to arrive, he put on this clueless act like, wait, who are you? I don't remember seeing you before? Did we once do a line in the bathroom during Bachelorette 12?

Finally and most importantly, we have to give props to the ABCMT (ABC Metaphor Team) for coming up with the “falling out of love” challenge. Did the Metaphor Team not even get a summer vaca? So far the official metaphor seems to be “so-and-so has a target on their back/is putting a target on someone's back.” We're surprised instead of roses they didn't give out bows and arrows. Was this sponsored by Target?

Erica and Brittany: “Honestly this is surreal, I feel like I'm in Disneyland, I feel like I'm a robot.”

Hmm… so who has more pimples on their face, Thing 1 or Thing 2? The virgin on the right looks like someone clubbed her with a shovel. They seriously belong in an amateur double-mint commercial. Could they not have at least found pretty twins who don’t go to school online?

CBH: Brittany, you will be competing in the first competition
Brittany: I hope it's pie eating!

Lindzi: “I'm the girl who lost to Courtney”

The horse is back. The directorial cues while she's riding the horse are pretty obvious: look sad yet pensive but into your horse but not that into it.

Blakeley: “Being on the Bachelor led me to a revelation, that I need to pursue a real career, so I went back to aesthetics, to waxing, I've been waxing away ever since

Wait, this 34 year old bitch calls waxing a career? And this is her after she’s grown a lot?

“Don't be afraid of me Chris, I won't hurt you” ::cut to interview:: “If Chris broke my trust I would punch him in the throat, literally in the throat” ::pounds fist into palm::

Rachel: Has some super intense bangs, but she’s cool. Her dress screams “table dancer.”

Donna: Arguably clinically insane, like already has her wedding china picked out with Michael Stagldflasfksdgfdsal.

Tony: You're a delusional dad, that's a new low. Like you cried because you left your son last season yet you were willing and able to leave again RIGHT AFTER. More importantly, what is with his preacher man suit? He looks like the priest in the Help.

Kalon: In his grand tradition of #123 trying too hard, declares himself America's favorite villain within first 30 seconds of screentime. His act is annoying, transparent, and not really funny or interesting so we're not going to give him the attention he wishes we would.

Kalon to Erica: “You got naked on a television show and ran around.” … It's obvious that Kalon and Erica only hate each other because they compete for the most plastic surgery in Houston.

Ryan: A non-drinking 32-year-old virgin, where did Chris Harrison find such a loser?

Jaclyn: “Like, Blakeley waxes vaginas and I have a college education so like, I'm clearly going further than her”

Chris from last season: “My broken heart is definitely still mending, but I know one thing that will make me feel better, and that is going on Bachelor Pad”

Seriously why would anyone want him as their partner in competition? This is the bro who lost every. single. highland. game.

Sarah: Umm she's amazing, the way she sticks her nose up to the fans and shit talks them in raspy voice makes me want to take a shot with her.

Reid/Paige: Literally don't care.

Erica: “I don’t want to be partnered with any of these fans, that would be like sleeping with the help and that is just inappropriate.”

“I think you’re an ugly loser and I think your plan is not gonna work. You’re not supposed to be here, like who even calls themselves fans? You wouldn’t even make it on the regular show. I’m going to make your life a living hell. That’s funny… put that in the book.”

Erica's like who the fuck do I have to blow to stay in this game. GOD.

Michael Stagliano: Did he like major in Bachelor Pad psychology? What classes did you take? Introduction to Human Sexual Relations on Tape, Advanced Studies in Bad Colored Shirts, Botany of Fake Roses?

Ed: His ear water dump was perfect. Clearly DGAF about the show, all he wants to do is party and bullshit and party and bullshit and be debatably Asian.

David (the fan): “This ferris wheel reminds me of Ashley and JP, this carousel reminds me of Ben and Courtney…”

Clearly gay, refers to Blakeley as “a good looking girl.” On his date with the twins he kept repeating how he couldn't think of a better situation to be in, whereas most bros would be like fuck this, threesome or die.

Chris “SWAT”: Chris calls himself by his occupation, so funny! We do that too when we meet blue-collar general population people.


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