Last night’s Bachelor in Paradise was so good that we’re starting to not even mind that this show dominates an excessive amount of our week. Joe officially played Juelia for a rose while he was waiting for Samantha to arrive and for some reason people are surprised by this. Lower your expectations, Joe is clearly a douche who looks like he just finished his evolution from an ape like a week ago, so maybe we shouldn’t expect him to be the most upstanding contestant. In other news, Clare is not getting any younger and Ashley is not getting less delusional. Now onto the recap.
The theme of this season is Clare is old as fuck and needs to find love immediately because the expiration date on her ovaries passed during Juan Pablo’s season. Even though in reality Clare doesn’t look any older than anyone else, it is her third season with this franchise so maybe she should stop making empty threats that she’s going to leave and like, actually do it.
Ashley: The only guy who runs after Clare is Chris Harrison, and that’s only because he’s paid to do it. – Chill Ashley I., we all know you’re going to be crying in about six minutes so maybe don’t throw stones from inside your glass room at the Bachelor compound.
Clare is actually so pretty, if she were normal she would be a great catch. Someone should let her know.
They need to stop with the ‘Clare talks to animals’ joke. I hope she gets a bonus for embarrassing herself above and beyond the normal amount of paradise embarrassment. “When I got here there were crabs everywhere.” – She’s not talking about the crustaceans.
Joe and Samantha and Juelia Situation
Juelia must feel like such an idiot after sending Mikey home and getting ditched by Joe the second Samantha arrives.
Joe sees Samantha and gets an immediate boner.
Joe, your obsession with Samantha sounds insane. She didn’t speak once during Chris’ season, how can she be your dream girl? And Kaitlyn should be seriously embarrassed she let him get to her final 5.
“Rose before bros!” – So eloquent. Really this should be the new Bachelorette tagline.
Can someone explain how Joe’s dad bod is going to be in People’s hottest couples?
Juelia then confronts Joe about how much he’s hurting her.
Juelia: You haven’t spoken to me, it’s been hours.
Joe: It’s actually only been an hour and a half.
Maybe he is done with Juelia because the bottom of her feet look like she’s homeless and living outside Penn Station?
Joe: Yes, I admit Samantha and I had texted before paradise. Yes we had phone calls, yes we had phone sex, yes we were already married in Vegas several times before paradise.
It’s actually pretty funny that Joe and Samantha were actually together before this and were just using ABC for the free vaca.
Joe’s issue isn’t his conniving his way into sticking around. Joe’s issue is the fact that he was too dumb to execute this smoothly. And also the fact that he looks like he would happily punch a woman in the face with zero regrets.
TBH Juelia and Joe only went on one date it’s not like he left her pregnant and homeless. Don’t hate the player hate the game.
Joe: You’re 36 and on a reality TV show. I mean who can really take you seriously? – TRUE
Joe: I don’t want to lose Samantha over some drama with … fuck, what’s her name?
Kirk and Carly
Carly, you really skipped your own fucking brother’s wedding for Bachelor in Paradise? Waddell family values.
“My brother would WANT me to be here exploiting myself on national television!”
Kirk: Are you upset about missing your brother’s wedding?
Carly: I won’t be if you don’t break my heart.
Kirk: Nervous laugh.
I bet they had sex already and that’s why he’s so noncommittal. Over it.
Ashley and Dan
Ashley with the truth bombs: “I’m not gonna stay here and act like I don’t like you because I do.” You tell him girl!
Ashley S.: The great thing about Dan is he’s able to communicate.
Dan: This place brings things out in people and it only took me a week to realize you’re a fucking psycho.
Love Megan pretending to be lost around the streets of Mexico. Like there’s not a camera crew following her around.
“Why is this Mexico, and like, that’s New Mexico”
“Espagnol, I just don’t understand.”
She doesn’t even know it’s called a sombrero. Chris Harrison looks like he’s going to faint from the shock of how stupid she is.
Ashely I.: Megan is one of my best friends but the men are giving out the roses this week so I have no issue stabbing her in her sleep.
Don’t forget to watch tonight to see if Juelia is done crying or if Ashley’s chakras are still in line and don’t forget to read our recap tomorrow.