Catch up on our Bachelor recap here!
It’s been two days since Arie’s season of The Bachelor kicked off, and I’m still fucking traumatized by some of the outfit choices these girls decided to wear. Last season, if you’ll recall, the girls decided to shake things up by showing up week after week looking ratchet AF to every rose ceremony. If Monday night’s episode was any indication, then we might be in for another rough fucking ride beauty-wise this season. Chelsea, single mother, first impression rose winner, and resident shit talker of this season said it best about Monday night’s looks: “the hair down and the boobs out.” Normally, I’d say cleavage is always a strong start to any relationship built entirely on first impressions and how
slutty interesting you can appear in 15 seconds or less, but last episode proved that even great cleavage couldn’t save some of these looks. So here are the most heinous looks from this week’s episode of The Bachelor, ranked from meh to bad to fugly.
Kendall, 26, Creative Director, Los Angeles, CA
I guess she was trying to be different and stand out with this particular fashion choice, but instead she just looks like she bought a nightie from Forever 21 and called it a day. She’s a creative director living in LA, so there’s a strong possibility that this dress could have been stolen off the set of a Freeform teen drama and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Tbh I might have been able to forgive the girl if parading around in poorly executed lingerie was her only offense—you know, points for trying to be different and everything. But she’s also the girl who was introduced as a “taxidermy enthusiast” *shudders* sooo it’s gonna be a no from me.
Jessica, 26, TV Host, Canada
This girl came to the Bachelor mansion dressed like the mariachi girl emoji, and I just can’t unsee it. Sorry, Jess. I guess I just expected more from
a stranger whom I know nothing about someone trying to find their husband on national television for the sake of my personal entertainment. I just had higher expectations. Like, maybe don’t show up dressed like the emoji I send in my group chat when I’m about to get fucked up for girls night. Those kinds of expectations.
Bri, 25, Sports Reporter, Portland, OR
Bri, I had high hopes for you. As someone who works with a bunch of dudes all day long, I thought you’d bro it out with Arie for at least for a few episodes, but I guess I was wrong about you and your Bump It. I actually didn’t hate the dress she wore. A sparkly evening gown is pretty basic as far as first night dresses go. That said, I couldn’t believe my eyes when she walked out of the limo with hair that channeled Snooki circa 2010. She was supposed to be the cool “I just get along better with guys” girl that I had going so far in my bracket! And then she showed up rocking a fucking Bump It. *takes deep, calming breaths* It’s probably best she left after night one. I’m not sure I could have withstood another week full of betrayals like that one.
Amber, 29, Business Owner, Denver, CO
What do you know, another loser from Monday night makes the list. Hmmm I’m starting to sense a pattern here—Arie got rid of most of the girls who showed up dressed like shit. Weirdly, this makes me actually want to root for him. Anyway, Amber, aka the girl who wailed “this was my time!!” into the cameras after she was eliminated on night one, showed up in a navy blue number that covered her entire body, aside from her shoulders and her ankles. Strike one. I’m sorry, but did you think this show was about having a great personality?? This is night one, girlfriend! You get 30-60 seconds to
connect with make Arie want to bang you. You might get to say your name and your astrological sign one personal fact about yourself, but that’s pretty much it. If you’re not showing at least some side boob, then idk what you’re even doing on this show. Secondly, let’s talk about the color of this dress. Navy? Really? You’re a blonde girl named Amber competing with a horde of other blonde girls with equally generic names and you went with a navy dress? That doesn’t even show cleavage?? Yeah, it’s no surprise why you didn’t make it to sunrise. Next.
Valerie, 25, Server, Nashville, TN
First of all, Val—can I call you Val?—I’m calling the fucking police on you, because this ensemble is a crime against humanity. How you managed to get through night one dressed like a bedazzled banana is so far beyond me. The color of that dress is personally offensive to me and the massive NYE hangover I was sporting while watching this episode. Seriously, whatever friend talked you into cashing in all your coupons at Wet Seal for this dress was trying to sabotage you. Val, you better step the fuck up with your outfit game if you want me to stop skewering you in my articles for the rest of the season.