How much cringe can one network fit into a minute and 30 second video? That’s what the producers of The Bachelor aimed to find out last night, when they dropped the most uncomfortable Bachelor promo video in the history of the show. Now, I know Chris Harrison says this a lot, but I mean it when I say you’ve never seen anything like this before. But while the editors of this video have been asking themselves those questions, us Bachelor Nation fans have been asking a different question: when does The Bachelor air? ABC has graced us with an answer to “when does The Bachelor air” by gifting us a trailer that will rival your family’s Thanksgiving table in terms of discomfort. Buckle up, because I think I’ve already adequately stressed the bizarreness of this latest trailer for Colton’s season of The Bachelor.
We open this promo with a clip of shrieking women, and a shirtless Colton showering outside for reasons unknown. He appears to be at the beach, so I can only assume it was posted on a sign somewhere that bathers must shower before and after stepping foot on the beach. I admire a man who plays by the rules. One of the women remarks, “I plan on rubbing oil all over his body,” and then lets out what can only be described as a combination between a shriek and a primal wail. Girl, you ok? We then cut to another woman who says, “Ay papi, you’re getting me hot,” I suppose to emphasize that we have at least one non-white woman on the show this season. Diversity!
But let’s pause for a sec. What is it with the recent seasons of The Bachelor spending at least 10 minutes per episode with a montage of the girls just reiterating how hot they find the lead? They did it with Nick’s season—probably because those girls needed to convince themselves, as well as the audience. They did it again with Arie’s contestants, I assume for similar reasons. And that, I understand. But look, you don’t need to convince anyone that Colton is an attractive guy. We all have eyes. And also? We know none of these girls give a single sh*t about whether or not they’re attracted to Colton. They are there for Instagram sponsorships, and the fact that the lead is not repulsive is just icing on the cake.
But that’s not even the most shocking thing to happen in this trailer. Immediately after, we cut to one woman’s entrance at the Bachelor mansion, where she says, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12.” Yes, she said 12. TWELVE! As in, not even a teenager. Am I the only one who finds that highly disturbing? Every single person on this Earth should be a virgin at age 12. Jesus Christ. Now I just feel bad for this girl, who clearly grew up too fast. I did not come here to ponder how Instagram culture is ruining today’s youth, ABC!
Moving on. We get a very expected “Maybe Colton will lose his virginity in Singapore” line, as well as your run-of-the-mill crying, screaming, and accusing the other contestants of talking sh*t. The promo ends with Colton saying “I’m done” and literally JUMPING OVER A FENCE to escape Chris Harrison. Wow. That is really a first! I might have had some horrible dates in my time, but at least a guy has never vaulted a fence to get away from me. Dare I say, we’re in for the most dramatic season yet?
Watch the whole promo below. Honestly guys, I’m excited. The Bachelor will return on January 7, so I’m sure there will be many more disturbing videos to come.
Images: Getty Images; The Bachelor / Facebook