Sartre said that hell is other people, but he was wrong: hell is my own apartment. I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m going fucking insane. Being locked in my house 24/7 is NOT the vibe.
While being a prisoner in my own home is its own form of agony, there are other things irritating me as well. I’m talking about everyone on social media making coronavirus, social distancing, and self-quarantine all about them. Hmm, maybe we can just take a backseat on this one and NOT use the deadly pandemic as an excuse to further our own personal brands? No? Okay.
Behold, the seven types of people on social media in these quarantimes:
Being outside went from being an act of rebellion to social suicide pretty fast. Last month, you had plans to go sunning on an older man’s yacht. Back then, he’d be begging for you to ditch your friends and come out. Now, he’s afraid you’ll kill him. Ah, love in the time of Corona.
By now, we’re all educated on social distancing and the like. Nevertheless, there are still people who insist on just popping out for iced coffee. Blame the American love of freedom! No, you don’t have special permission to stop and gaze at the windows at Bergdorf’s just because it’s your Sunday tradition. And sadly, your hair and nails are going to have to look the way God intended them to. Yes, it f*cking sucks, but if we want to keep our summer vacation plans, this is what it will take!!!
Just a week ago you were planning a worldwide tour for $19.99. Finally, the internet has influenced you into staying home, which means that it’s now time for your big social distancing Instagram story: STOP being SELFISH and STAY THE F*CK HOME. Okay. Let me break it down for you, Joseph the social media assistant. Not everyone has some namby pamby millennial marketing job that lets them sit at home rearranging Powerpoint slides while nibbling on Trader Joe’s shumai. I know it’s a crazy idea, but many people would lose their jobs if they were to stop going to work. Hard to imagine. Moreover, many of these people are the ones working at the stores that are still open so you monsters can buy enough toilet paper to last for a non-covid-infected lifetime.
Also, your preachy IG story is a little superfluous. In case you haven’t noticed, everyone’s already at f*cking home. Instead of yelling at people, maybe link to a fundraiser for medical supplies or something. Or, just be thankful that you have a flexible employer. *Eye roll*
The One With The Platform
What I really don’t have time for is people sneaking their own personal agenda into what should be a purely scientific discussion. PETA, for instance, pointed out that Coronavirus is an anagram of the word “carnivorous.” This point was ridiculed by everyone, vegans included. Also unnecessary is the implication that COVID-19 is nature’s retaliation against humanity. Please, we all know that coronavirus can be traced back to when Meghan and Harry left the royal family. Let’s please tackle one world issue at a time, starting with how everyone’s on TikTok now. Like…what is up with that??
The Coronavirus Influencers
Now is not the time to try Instagram Live. In fact, it is never the time to try Instagram Live. Just because we are your captive audience, it does not give you the right to torture us. No need to document every lived moment of the quarantine experience or to demonstrate your newfound appreciation for poetry, gardening, cooking, etc. Also, unless you have a med school degree we don’t know about, might be best to leave the medical advice to the professionals. I slept with a doctor in college. Here’s how we stop COVID-19. And stop saying quarantini.
If your house has a pool you’re not quarantining, you’re vacationing. Sorry I don’t make the rules.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 29, 2020
Guys, those of you who are young and don’t have underlying conditions probably aren’t afraid to go out. But this isn’t about you. It’s about me. Me and my parents’ massive vacation house. If you’re going to flee to a glorious family estate and post a picture of your pool with the caption “not a bad place to self-quarantine <3” just know that’s how you f*cking sound. It’s fabulous, but I hate you and I take solace in knowing that your portfolio is bleeding out.
In case you weren’t aware, the economy is not doing so peachy right now. A lot of people are losing their jobs. Amidst all this economic turmoil, fitness influencers have risen as our new overlords. This is because Miss Rona has forced gyms to shut down, leaving us all high and dry right before swimsuit season. Yes everyone, I’m trying to flatten the curve AND my waistline.
Enter the fitness influencers. All of a sudden, every hot person with over 10,000 followers is an online fitness guru offering their customized take on a home workout. You know what? I don’t give a damn. I’m not doing it. I’ll go on a run outside and maybe do some push-ups, but I’m not about to sit here and do preacher curls with a Trader Joe’s bag filled with my old college textbooks—although this would be the most my college education has done for me.
There’s a lot of pressure to be productive and “make the most of your quarantine” and I’m over it. You should be taking up yoga, you should be learning a new language, blah blah. I just saw someone’s blog post about how to use this time to decorate your house for Easter. Ma’am, I am just trying to SURVIVE until Easter.
The problem with these posts is twofold. First of all, you rich bitches, most people don’t have all this free time. They’re still working. Second of all, nobody wants to hear it. This quarantine has me in a constant state of irritation and/or depression, and I’ll cope as I see fit. Sure as hell won’t be by taking a virtual yoga class, I’ll tell you that much.
Ultimately, being locked in your house for weeks on end fucking sucks—but let’s not forget that in all of this, we are the lucky ones. With this in mind, we encourage you to look into local charities and look for specific ways you can help. The Betches Good Influence Fund for Corona Relief connects our community to groups fighting on the front lines of an unprecedented crisis, and you can get more information and donate here.
Images: ImYanis / Shutterstock