If I’m friends with you on Snapchat, I’m definitely judging you by what you put in your story. In order to not seem like a total skeeze, here are the 10 Commandments to follow when posting Snap stories.
1. Thou shalt not post and send the same snap
If you want to snap something funny or just say hi to me via snap, great. But do not fucking send me the same snap you add to your story. If I care enough about you I’ll watch your story. If I see you wasted my time by forcing me to watch the same snap twice, you’re going on my dunzo list.
2. Thou shalt not snap minutiae
Yes, we all fucking love “Downtown” by Macklemore. I don’t need to see you lip syncing while driving. Ever. I don’t care you’re headed to the gym. I don’t want to see your fucking boring avocado on toast breakfast. Use Snapchat like Instagram, to highlight the really fun and hilarious parts of your life, not your morning commute.
3. Thou shalt not make 100 second Snap stories
You want me to believe that your life is so unfuckingbelievably amazing that every moment of everyday is amazing? You get like five screen taps before I hate you.
4. Remember the sanctity of concerts, keep them holy
If I wanted to see an artist live I would by my own damn ticket and see them in person. There’s nothing worse than having to sit through your dumb snap of whatever unknown artist is on stage at a festival with bad audio and poor picture quality. I don’t want to watch a concert through your phone. Tap tap tap.
5. Thou shalt not post inside jokes
Yeah, your besties are hilarious. So are mine. If you want to send them an inside joke, that’s what direct snaps are for. Remember? I don’t want to be confused by your snap story. Make them universally hilarious, or not at all. Aint nobody got time for that.
6. Thou shalt not be a thirst trap
Ask yourself, is this snap thirsty? Duck faces, too much cleavage, biting a lip. Hun, you thirsty. There’s a fine line between a cute, sexy snap and a Snatchchat. Don’t cross that line, and don’t even go near that line if you’re thinking about adding it to your story.
7. Thou shalt not screen shot
It’s a universal rule for Snapchat. I know some people think it’s ok to screen-shot a snap from a story since you posted it for all of the world to see. If you want that picture so badly, just ask me and then you don’t look like such a fucking creeper.
8. Thou shalt not recap TV shows
One or two snaps of some hilarious “Bachelor in Paradise” moments with a good caption, sure, that’s fine. Make a 200 second snap of every moment of the show, you’re dead to me. You’re probably not that funny, and if I wanted spoilers I’d go on Twitter. Besides, we all know where to find the best recaps…
9. Honor thy drunk story
We all make mistakes when we drink. One of those mistakes might be breaking a few too many Snap commandments while drunk. Forgive your friends of their Snap transgressions when alcohol is involved.
10. Thou shalt not covet celeb Snap stories
Do celebrities break these Snapchat rules constantly? Sure. But they’re famous and they can get away with it. Like, if you wore anything anyone wore to the VMA’s I would think you were a nut job. Likewise, if you posted the lame, boring stuff celebrities post I would unfollow you too. You’re not famous, stay in your lane.