The 10 Drunk Vacation Personalities Explained By Kim Kardashian

By Alise Morales | April 26, 2017
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The group vacation is a rite of passage for every betchy friend group and are basically bachelorette parties where everyone is the bride. No matter what roles you play in your friend group back home, as soon as you step off the plane in Ibiza, you become your Vacation Self, aka an entirely different person. The friend who is usually the designated driver suddenly becomes the person who is blacked out on the beach at 4pm. The serial dater who never fucks on the first date is suddenly showing random men her boobs for a dollar, and your one friend who is always in bed by 9pm hasn’t gone to sleep in three full days. It’s a magical time. This phenomenon is known as the Vacation Transformation and no one has exemplified it better than the Archangel Kimberly Noel Kardashian West who has been live-tweeting her current group vacay to Mexico where they are celebrating Kourtney Kardashian’s birthday and, apparently, getting lit AF.

 

Umm…is that a pink dildo? I’m pretty sure it is. No idea what’s going on here, tho:

 

Based off Kim’s tweets, we’ve have been able to identify the 10 types of vacation personalities your friend group is likely to assume once they take that very first sip of vacation tequila.

1. The Planner

There’s always at least one person on the vacation who has at least some semblance of their shit together. And by “have their shit together” we mean “has Googled things to do at your destination.” This is the friend who shows up at the beach armed with a list of every local happy hour and an extremely aspirational agenda for the day that will probably get thrown off the rails as soon as you guys are done with breakfast mimosas. Even still, this person will probably be responsible for some of the most Instagrammable moments of the trip, like that free cooking class you guys blacked out in took on the beach, or that foam party you went to for like 5 minutes before somebody smelled pee and you made a hasty retreat.

2. The Sex Addict

Most people who are on vacation are at least in some way looking to get fucked, meaning that there will be (at least) one person in your vacation group who takes this goal a little too far. They’re the friend who started scoping out potential hookups on the plane over and got your 40-year-old married cab driver’s number “just in case.” While this person may be a straight, mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll back home, they become a horny AF pansexual Mr. Hyde as soon as hotel check-in is complete. The benefit of having The Sex Addict on your trip is that they’re usually not just looking to get fucked for themselves, they’re looking for everybody to get fucked and will usually come back to the Airbnb each night with 5-10 good hookup prospects to be shared among the friend group. Just maybe make sure this person has made their own sleeping arrangements because anybody who rooms with them is either spending the night in the hallway or falling asleep to the sounds of sloppy drunk sex for the entirety of the vacation.

3. The Violent Extremist

There is always at least one person in your friend group who will use the vacay to express some of the inner rage that they’ve been building up over the course of the year, and this person is known as The Violent Extremist. This is the friend who seems fine one second, takes like two shots of tequila, and is suddenly getting into it with some rando girl at the bar for talking to “her” bartender. This person is essential for establishing your dominance over other nice girls at the club and for making sure that any person who dares fuck with you (or thinks about fucking with you) is dealt with accordingly. Just make sure you have a bail fund set aside for when they are inevitably arrested for spitting on Elsa at Disney World.

4. The Vacation Alcoholic

I mean, we’re all drunk on vacation. That’s a given. But one person in your friend group (maybe it’s you?) will make it their mission to be 100% intoxicated 100% of the time. This person starts drinking on the plane and doesn’t sober up until United is having them forcibly removed from their return flight for trying to bring a dog on the plane. No matter what level of drunkenness this person achieves in their home life, they will be multiplying that by about a thousand while on vacation. This person has some sort of fruity cocktail in their hand every second, and wakes you up every morning with freshly poured shots. While this behavior is absolutely appropriate for any and all vacations, you will absolutely have to stage an intervention if what happened in Cabo does not, in fact, stay there.

5. The Nudist

Vacations are a time to leave all your troubles behind, and by troubles, we mean clothes. Any group vacation will be incomplete without the person who refuses to put on clothes for the duration of the trip. This person will roll up to the beach in the kind of bikini that makes you say, “is this an Emperor’s New Clothes situation or is this chick naked?” You will literally have to force this betch into a sarong any time you want to leave the beach, and she’ll probably suggest nude hot tubbing multiple times before just hopping in there naked and making it happen. This person is different than The Sex Addict because for them, it’s not sexual. They’re just trying to be free. And low-key show off the beach body they’ve been working on literally all year.

6. The Narco 

One of the hardest parts of leaving home is figuring out where to get drugs, but luckily, the group Narco is already on the case. This person begins scoping out sketchy-looking locals connections as soon as you guys hit the beach. Just leave this person to their own devices and they will find you a hookup. One minute you may be shocked to see your finance bro-loving bestie chatting up some white guy with dreads, only to realize that he just sold her a year’s supply of molly which you guys are now required to finish in the course of three days. You know what they say, seek and ye shall find. And this bitch is seeking hard.

7. The Lone Wolf

There’s always at least one person in a vacation group who will just straight up disappear halfway through the trip only to show up at check out like you guys didn’t already file a police report. On the plane ride back, you’ll find out that this person spent the entire week basically becoming a local, and they’ll casually know the name of every rando person on the street because they basically are all best friends now. They’re also the most likely to start a vacation romance that you’ll all have to hear about for the duration of the plane ride home, and will be a fruitful source of thirsty Instagram likes for basically the rest of their natural lives. Also don’t be surprised if this person turns up at the hotel one night with some club promoter they met on the beach and a shiny new wedding ring and is like “surpriissseeee!”

8. The Wounded Soldier

No vacation is complete without the person who injures themselves day one and forces everyone to spend a night in the beach hospital. This person will then spend the rest of the vacation hitting up bars while on crutches and thoroughly ignoring everything the doctor said about not getting sand in your stitches. They’ll be an infinite source of sympathy shots from people who don’t realize that they’re actually having the time of their life, and will somehow end up partying harder than everybody else, probably to overcompensate for the fact that they got run over by a scooter on the first day of spring break. Be nice to this person. They probably have painkillers.

9. The Social Media Strategist

Thank God for this person. They’re the ones who basically take it upon themselves to turn your vacation into a social media takeover, ensuring that all your lame-ass friends who ignored your planning email feel major FOMO over what appears to be the greatest vacation in the history of vacations. They take all the pictures, snap all the Snaps, and gram all the ‘Grams, while making sure that nobody in the group goes rogue and posts a subpar group pic or reveals the fact that you all wasted an entire day being hungover in your Airbnb. When you return to real life and people won’t stop telling you how amazing your trip looked, it’ll all be because of this person’s tireless work.

10. The One That’s Just Sitting Here On The Beach With Their Flawless Body

If this is you, congratulations, you’re Kim Kardashian and you won vacation. This is the person who somehow achieves what we all set out to achieve while going on vacation: rest and relaxation. They will return home tan, loose, and full of electrolytes. They also somehow magically remember everything that happened and though you distinctly remember them being by your side for any and all shot-taking, they are able to give a full account of your vacay without having to say, “and then I blacked out so I’m not sure what happened on Wednesday.” They’re basically the group unicorn, and I’m honestly unsure if they even truly exist.