The Internet Thinks Taylor Swift Is Hiding In A Suitcase And We're Here For It

Today is the one year anniversary of Kim Kardashian ruining Taylor Swift’s life via Snapchat, and you’ll be happy to know that Taylor is now a fully-functioning, completely normal human being who takes reasonable methods of transportation to and from her various appointments. Yeah, no she’s not. Taylor has stayed out of the spotlight in the last couple months, which is why this story is all the more incredible: Taylor may have hid in a suitcase so she wouldn’t be seen by the paparazzi.


I mean, I get why Taylor would need to hide from the paps. You know what they say, “People throw rocks at things that shine.” Here’s what we know: Taylor Swift has an apartment in Tribeca. It’s probably scary nice on the inside, but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. The other day, a fleet of cars showed up outside the apartment, and then nearly a dozen security guards helped to move an enormous black suitcase into the trunk of one of the SUVs. They were extremely careful with the baggage, not putting it on the ground even though it had wheels.

So what could it be? Because the internet is the best place in the world, the leading theory is obviously that Taylor herself was in the bag. This is only a theory, but it’s a fun theory and we’re bored so let’s roll with it.

She hasn’t been seen out and about recently, but guests have been regularly coming and going from her apartment. How else is she getting in and out?? Fans are also suspicious because Taylor didn’t host her annual 4th of July party this year, but tbh she probably just couldn’t get anyone to put up with her shit. She’s definitely the girl that takes 40 tries to get the perfect Boomerang.

So was Taylor actually in the suitcase? We may never know, but we fucking hope she was, if for no other reason than her hair would probably look a mess when she got out. Bye Taylor, you’re still a snake.

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.