We Are Very Worried About Taylor Swift

It’s 2017. We’re used to terrible shit happening in the world on a daily basis, whether it’s Alt-Right rallies or Corinne and DeMario almost ruining Paradise forever, it’s been a rough year. But maybe, just maybe, Taylor Swift’s new song is the biggest tragedy of all.

It’s called “Look What You Made Me Do,” and it’s her big return to music after the triumphant era of 1989. But instead of playing it safe with some more jams for 11-year-olds, Tay decided to up the ante and stir up some shit. The resulting song is quite catchy, but very mid-2000s. Basically, it sounds like what should be playing during a limo montage in an early episode of Gossip Girl. This would hundo p be on Blair Waldorf’s sex playlist. And the video looks like some bad Tim Burton fan fic. Sorry but somebody had to say it.

But we’re really more interested in the lyrical content here. After all, this was supposed to be the big diss track, the one where she got back at all her haters (Kim and Kanye) for all the shit they did to her. Remember, she’s a victim!!!

Taylor Swift

The song starts with her singing, “I don’t like your little games, don’t like your tilted stage,” which I immediately thought was a reference to Kanye’s floating stages during the Saint Pablo tour. Then again, I was going into this song expecting it to be a Kanye diss track, so either I’m a fucking lyrical genius or I’m really grasping at straws.

The whole opening is her saying “I don’t like you” repeatedly, which is definitely one of the harshest insults you can throw (if you’re 12). She also throws in some confusing bullshit about a perfect crime and laughing when you lie, because she’s the queen of rhyming. Seriously, Taylor’s on fire already.

The prechorus is when Taylor really finds her balls and starts swinging them around for everyone (Kim K) to see. “But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time.”—can you really count a full year as in the nick of time, though?—”I rose up from the dead I do it all the time. Got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined. I check it once, I check it twice.”

Wait a minute, what the fuck is going on here? What does the red underline mean? Is she going to kill Kim Kardashian? Why is she checking the list twice like some psychotic Santa Claus?? Taylor, we are CONFUSED!!!!

You Ok

The chorus is where shit really hits the fan. Apparently the red underlining took a lot out of her, because the chorus literally just consists of her saying “ooh look what you made me do” over a pounding beat that sounds like it came with the trial version of GarageBand.

“THE WORLD MOVES ON ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER DRAMA.” Taylor is deep in her revenge feels, which is great for us because she has no idea how ridiculous she sounds. She sings some more about being “the actress starring in our bad dreams,” which she totally already is.

The most important part of the song, though, occurs at approximately 2:50, when she says “I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh…cause she’s dead.”

Look What You Made Me Do

WHAT??? Sorry, but “old Taylor” would absolutely put out this shitty diss track after an eye roll-inducing social media campaign, so we’re pretty sure she’s alive and well. Taylor is truly a messy bitch who lives for drama, and she’s gone too long without being the center of attention. If this first single is any indication of things to come, 2017 isn’t getting any better from here.