This week, everyone is busy making their favorite celebrities look older with the FaceApp old filter, and it’s really gotten me thinking about celebrities’ ages. We’ve talked before about some celebs who basically don’t age, but not everyone is older than they look. There are certain stars who are surprisingly young, whether they just look mature for their age, or it feels like they’ve been around forever.
While everyone knows you can stay young-looking by drinking lots of water, sticking to your skin care regimen, and getting lots of sleep (and minding your own business), looking older is a little more tricky. As someone who constantly gets told I have a baby face, I’d love to know how all these famous teenagers look so sophisticated. Here are some celebrities who are definitely younger than you think.
1. Shawn Mendes
Look at that fine-ass man and tell me you would have guessed that he is only TWENTY YEARS OLD. I am fully uncomfortable knowing how young Shawn Mendes is, because I am actively turned on by everything he does. He got famous on Vine, which should have been my first clue about his age, but it feels like his songs have already been on the radio for such a long time. Whatever, I’m still into it.
2. Zoë Kravitz
Despite the fact that she’s super gorgeous, I was surprised to find out recently that Zoë Kravitz is only 30 years old. I think because her parents are so famous, it just feels like she’s been around forever. She’s also much younger than most of her Big Little Lies costars, so it’s easy to forget that she was born in the late 80s.
3. Cardi B
Cardi B is one of those people who just kind of feels ageless. Like, I don’t actually think that she’s old, but she’s been through a lot in her life, and the fact that she and I were in high school at the same time just feels wrong. Okay, I can’t really picture her in high school at all, but you get what I mean. She’s only 26, and it will never not be strange that she and Ariana Grande are the exact same age. I’ve known this for months, but it still gets me every time.
4. Millie Bobby Brown
When Stranger Things first premiered, it made sense that all the kids on the show were actual kids. But now, Millie Bobby Brown has fully broken out as a major star, and she’s already turning into a mini fashion icon. She looks so sophisticated that I’m struggling to wrap my mind around the fact that she just turned 15 a few months ago. Did your skin look like that when you were 15? Because mine most certainly did not.
5. Sophie Turner
Sophie Turner was an actual kid when she was first cast on Game of Thrones, so it makes sense that she’s only 23. Still, she’s grown up fast, and she doesn’t really seem young at all. Her whole thing now is chugging wine on Instagram, which she couldn’t even legally do in the United States until a couple years ago! She’s cool af, so I’m not even mad that she’s younger than me.
6. Billie Eilish
Billie Eilish has quickly become one of the biggest stars in music, but I still get a lot of questions about who she is. That probably has something to do with the fact that she’s only 17, so a lot of adults are just now hearing about her. Billie is very talented, and her attitude is definitely something different, so I would expect she’ll be a major star for years to come. If you haven’t listened yet, catch tf up.
7. Noah Cyrus
Noah Cyrus actually looks a little like Billie Eilish, but like, with lip fillers and lash extensions. She’s slightly older than Billie, at 19, but she’s been on our radar for years thanks to her famous older siblings. Her music is cool, but her relationship drama (remember Lil Xan?) definitely feels like high school bullsh*t. She’ll grow out of it…maybe.
8. Bella Hadid
It’s truly insane that Bella Hadid is only 22. Depending on the photo, she can either look like she’s in her 20s or her 50s, and it really messes with my mind. She never looks old in a bad way, she just has such a mature looking face, mostly thanks to her cosmetic procedures, lol. 22-year-olds just aren’t supposed to look like this!
And before you come for me in the comments for saying people look old, everyone on this list looks great! When you’re 17, looking old isn’t really a bad thing. There are definitely other celebrities who are deceivingly young, but these are the ones who really made me do a double take. I mean…Shawn Mendes. That’s all.
Images: shawnmendes, zoeisabellakravitz, iamcardib, milliebobbybrown, sophiet, billieeilish, noahcyrus
Another day, another flashback to start things off. Honestly, I’m loving this season so far—but you can’t tell me that it doesn’t give you Pretty Little Liars energy. Everyone is waking up and pondering things while looking at the water, because apparently what else do you do in Monterey besides look into the ocean and kill people?
We’re kicking things off with a husband-on-husband scene, and not in the PornHub way. Ed and Nathan talk it out while they’re working out in the morning—another reason why I never jog. Nathan has gotten so annoying, no wonder Bonnie is checked out.
The child custody hearing is off, and Mary Louise is giving her best Iron Lady while also acting like every girl at brunch who wants to sh*t talk their friend who is not there. “No she’s like, literally crazy.”
Celeste hired a lawyer who, while she may not be doing her job, is doing a damn good job at pulling off that jacket. Rent the Runway unlimited, I’m sure.
WHY IS EVERYONE JOGGING? Okay nevermind, Bonnie was just dream jogging—my favorite form of working out. Weird that I still only fit in jeggings. She’s still at the hospital staying with her mom while her dad basically just gives her death glares 24/7. Weird, how did HBO get this tape of my Thanksgiving from last year?
Madeline, desperate for a storyline, is taking Ed on a retreat to bond their relationship that may involve bondage. I can so f*ck with a Carole King sing-along, though.
Celeste is a lawyer, a fact that I’m pretty sure we all forgot about (including Celeste herself), and she went to see Renata to trash talk her lawyer. Dreams. This is the first time Renata has been working all season though, right? I guess the Women In Power article caught on to that, because they pulled her from the article, which actually made me genuinely upset but genuinely not surprised.
Some weird kid came to bully Ziggy and the twins came to his defense—but unfortunately, that defense came with an extreme offense. Both Jane and Celeste’s kids are suspended for three days, so at least they’ll have more time to stare into the water.
Wait, is Bonnie psychic? She’s basically like the Long Island Medium, except not Italian. And not in Long Island.”
Yup, that was definitely a sex cult, but at least it go them to communicate (and communicating in California is just shouting in a car). Ed dragged Madeline (as the kids say) and damn, I do try so hard to feel bad for him in all of their scenes. But, is it just me, or is it impossible to ever blame Reese Witherspoon for anything ever? Let her screw all the theater directors she wants! Every month is Pride!
Renata’s “spent her entire life with a bullseye on her back,” which is a C-minus in terms of all of the lines she’s said this season. She met Mary Louise for tea, in every way that word is used. Mary Louise is shocked this isn’t just a “tea party,” which, no sh*t—that’s like when I invite someone to a workout that winds up just being a brunch. No one drinks tea and no one JOGS IN THE DAMN MORNING.
Celeste is parenting her kids in the best way she can, which is by screaming and crying while also whispering with her whispy bangs. It’s kind of weird that in an alternate universe, her kids would be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse. Shout-out to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery in Brooklyn.
Ed has a sweet but heartbreaking moment with Chloe that is 100% ruined by Bonnie leading an adult Kidz Bop lesson that’s mixed with an overpriced Brooklyn barre class. “Singing for Sleep Apnea” is definitely a charity party from The Hills. Yikes, looks like Bonnie’s dad is a beyond confirmed piece of sh*t.
Celeste’s lawyer is doing nothing but wearing a coat, round two. After Celeste breaks down at a custody hearing, she sends a group chat to her girls to meet her at the beach (it’s going down). Turns out she’ll have to testify during her settlement, and when she’s on the stand she’s fair game to ask about anything aka the murder. Basically, the lawyer could be like you when you’re in a fight with a friend and try to bring it up casually but you have no chill:
Me: How was your day?
Me: What the f*ck did you say about me in the group chat the other day?
MAJOR shout out to this A+ line from Renata, maybe one of the contenders for best line of the series. “That’s perjury, babe.”
Ed and Chloe, Bonnie and her dad… this is a huge Father’s Day card of emotions going down. He talks to her about how he wanted to keep the peace between all of them, which is what I say to everyone every time I’m in an Uber Pool. Yup, the mom is magic and she can sometimes see things that are right—very That’s Kinda Raven.
Cool, we were all fully weeping when Celeste and her boys were talking, right? Meanwhile, Renata forced Ammabella to play hooky with her, because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE. The moment we saw GIF’d and meme’d since Meryl was first announced as a cast member. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. Instead we got left with Jane slow dancing with her 15-year-old coworker AGAIN. I’m sorry, but why is HBO doing this to us? If I wanted to see someone awkwardly kiss on a couch with blunt bangs, I’d log back into MySpace.
Jane is still struggling to connect sexually with her trauma, and fine, the 15-year-old has grown on me by being so nice with Ziggy. I did realize that Nicole Kidman in a baseball cap is my sexual orientation, though.
Okay, did I just get high, because so much is happening at once? It’s like a dressing room montage, but with kayaks and wine and… assisted suicide? AND TORI FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON? Fine, I remember her from there, but in no way shape or form was she in any episode in season one. The bartender gave them shots, and I guess when you’re over 30 that is code for we gon’ bang.
So this episode ends with Jane’s man leaving the police department, Bonnie walking to the police department after probably killing her mom, Madeline’s husband about to have a … threesome… with TORI, and Celeste’s lawyer prob at Marshall’s finding a new jacket. Big Little Lies, what are you on?
Images: HBO; Giphy
We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?
It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?
Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback!
Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage.
This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?
Longing Looks At the Water: 2
In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year.
Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019
All The Tense Coffee Dates
Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on.
Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog.
Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now
The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.
Who Is This Theme Party For?
Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”
While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON.
Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack.
Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing.
Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over.
No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though.
Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies.
Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’
Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water.
Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart.
Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad!
Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?
Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH.
Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool
Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up.
She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears.
She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father.
Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End
What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated.
Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it.
THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back.
Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly, could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week!
Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter
If you’re currently stressing out about the nightmare that is wedding season, at least you’re not alone. Over this past weekend, there were four major celebrity weddings, and it was a lot to keep track of. By that, I mean that I was furiously refreshing the Instagram stories of anyone within a mile radius of Jax and Brittany’s wedding in Kentucky. We all have flaws, and mine is that I care far too much about anyone who works at Sur.
This weekend really was like a celebrity episode of Four Weddings, so I’m going to just pretend that’s what it was. If you’re unfamiliar with the glorious trash TV that is Four Weddings, it’s a reality show where four brides all attend each other’s weddings, and then rate them based on four categories: Dress, Venue, Food, and Overall Experience.
In case you weren’t glued to Instagram this entire weekend, let’s recap who actually got married. First, as I already mentioned, we have Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright, stars of Vanderpump Rules, who got married in Kentucky. The wedding was a who’s who of Bravolebrities and random other people, and was just as gloriously tacky as you’d expect.
Next, we have Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, who had their official wedding in France, two months after their random Vegas wedding after the Billboard Music Awards. Priyanka was there, and she cried.
Also in France, Zoë Kravitz married actor Karl Glusman in Paris, and all the cool people you’d expect, including some of her Big Little Lies cast, were there.
Finally, Katharine McPhee married her much-older man David Foster in London on Friday, kicking off what is her second marriage and his fifth. I’m not judging!!
I’ll be honest and say that Brittany’s dress is not for me. From watching many, many episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, I know that I will never be into dresses with sheer bodices, and the contrast between the opaque skirt and the sheer part is a little jarring. But also, I was expecting to hate Brittany’s dress a lot more. She didn’t have a 50-foot train, or a ginormous ball gown, and for that I am thankful.
Rudely enough, we haven’t gotten photos of Sophie Turner in her gown yet. Well, technically that’s not true. There’s one grainy-ass aerial photo that was probably taken by a paparazzi drone, and I’m not going to try to guess what the dress actually looked like from that. But I’m sure she looked amazing.
Rating: 8/10 (Probably a 10/10 in real life but I’m just guessing here.)
Unfortunately, we’re still waiting to see Zoë’s actual wedding dress, but for now we can go off of her rehearsal dinner look. Tbh, it’s iconic. Zoë is not the kind of person to wear a boring pretty dress, so I’m all for her bridal biker shorts look.
Rating: 7/10 (Deduction taken for no actual wedding dress photos.)
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Let the celeb weddings continue – @katharinemcphee and @davidfoster married over the weekend in London. In true millennial form, Katharine swapped dresses for the reception, from her @zacposen gown to a teal blue dress. This is Foster’s 5th marriage, so for Katharine’s sake, we hope this one works out | ? @metrodotstyle
Katharine McPhee is low-key super gorgeous, and her wedding dress didn’t disappoint. Her Zac Posen gown is elegant and timeless, and I love the striped detailing on the skirt. For the reception, she changed into a tea-length teal dress, which is an interesting choice, but she still looks stunning.
For their wedding, Jax and Brittany rented out the entire Kentucky Castle, which is shockingly kind of gorgeous?? The ceremony took place outdoors, and I have never seen grass that green in my life. My main complaint here is the over-the-top greenery that was hanging everywhere inside for the reception. Basically, they decorated the place exactly like Lisa Vanderpump would, which isn’t a good thing.
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Joe and Sophie got married at the Chateau de Tourreau in Provence, which is a totally stunning venue. However, the reason I really care about this is that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills literally JUST STAYED THERE. The staff at this place has definitely seen a lot in the past year, from the enire Jonas/Turner/Chopra crew to Kyle Richards nearly falling down the stairs drunk. Where do I apply?
Apparently Lenny Kravitz has made a lot of money in his life, because his house in Paris is f*cking STUNNING. Seriously, British Vogue did a photoshoot inside the house last month, and I would seriously sell a kidney to get married there. I’m assuming the decorations, etc. were all tasteful af, because of course they were.
Katharine and David got married at an Armenian Apostolic church in London, and it really just looks like a basic, old church. Happy for them, but it’s no Lenny Kravitz’s house. Their reception was in a private venue in London’s upscale Mayfair neighborhood, so I’m sure it was nice. Overall, this seems like a great wedding, but I’m uninspired by the venue choice.
Look, I don’t know what any of these people ate at their weddings. I wasn’t there, okay? I’m just going to assume that they all served delicious, gourmet food.
Were all of these weddings fun and beautiful? I’m sure they were. Sorry if you think this is a copout, but based on the extravagance and the number of famous people at each of these weddings, I’m going to give them all a perfect score for experience. You tell me that you wouldn’t want to see drunk Kristen Doute at a wedding, and I’ll tell you you’re lying.
By my tally, that leaves us with a three-way tie for first place between Zoë, Sophie, and Katharine with 37 points each. Sorry, Brittany and Jax. I hope that all four of these couples have long, happy marriages, and that they don’t let the competition of this article diminish from what I’m sure were four magical weddings. Cheers!
Images: Shutterstock; Brittany, harpersbazaarsg, betchesbrides, chateaudetourreau, lennykravitz / Instagram
Going into this season of Big Little Lies kind of feels like going on a second date or grabbing the last slice of pizza: you’re excited, but also scared. What if it’s bad? What if it gives you a stomach ache? As a BLL purist, I personally thought that the first (and, at first, allegedly only) season was perfect and was initially against talk of making another season—but all someone has to do is say “Meryl Streep” and I appear on my couch at 9pm, pinot noir in hand, ready for whatever may happen next.
^Reese to me after reading this recap.
We’re back with the Monterey Five, and no, that’s not the name of a horse in the Kentucky Derby—it’s the unofficial nickname of all the main ladies after the scandal. In case you forgot, the first season was gorgeous and perfect and was all about these rich moms who ended up killing one of their husbands because he was an abusive piece of sh*t. And that’s what you missed on Glee.
Let’s go into this with a breakdown of what each character did—or more likely, what type of wine each character drank while staring into the beach. Andy Cohen, are you a secret producer on this? I’m pretty sure 45% of this script is “look longingly and think about how now you have to go against Game of Thrones in the Best Actress category now that you’re no longer a limited series.” The horror.
A more in-depth breakdown is below, but some general observations on this premiere that don’t really matter, but mattered to me:
A musical moment happened at an assembly (maybe this really is Glee) and some girl I 100% forgot about named Tori got a boob job. Happy for her. My favorite moment of this episode was her talking to Adam Scott’s character (Madeline’s husband whose name truly doesn’t matter) in the grocery story surrounded by melons. GET IT? I feel like the writers were like hmm, should we have his character cheat on Madeline as payback? But then realized that he’s just a quiet dork and moved on. Also, does anyone actually use the car speakerphone option besides these five women?
I decided to breakdown this premiere episode by character, because the last time this show was on the air, I could still fit into my skinny jeans (well, fit is a subjective word, but they got above my knees at least). Seriously, only HBO has the confidence to drop a new season of a show two years later and be like: wait, you don’t remember this side character who had one line in episode four? Weird. So let’s check in on the Real Fake Housewives of Monterey.
The queen bee is BACK and her daughter Chloe is still cool AF. Like, I can’t wait for her character to just pick up and move to Brooklyn for high school. It turns out me and Madeline have a lot in common because we both like to double fist cupcakes, get annoyed when someone expects us to do work at work, and are kind of a bitch.
I guess she’s traded in directing community plays for being a realtor—but I was kind of disappointed that the only major drama she deals with this episode is that her kid no longer wants to go to college. Girl, you’re ahead of the curve—all I gained from college was a slow metabolism and ten guys named Chad’s number who I’ll never text. What’s worse: your kid not going to college or your kid saying “I want to work at a start-up”? Sidenote: Reese Witherspoon needs to write the TV movie about the college admissions scandal cause she has the finger on this pulse. Felicity, you’re cool with that, right?
YES HER THERAPIST IS BACK but still only half-lit on a chair that looks like it was clearance at Pier One Imports. These were personally my favorite scenes of Celeste’s last season… well, besides that one where she was just sitting on a balcony drinking Smartwater. Her character is having nightmares and may be spiraling, which is fair since she’s trying to cope with the complexity of the loss of her abusive husband. I already can’t wait for her to cave and tell her therapist about what really happened just to watch Reese Witherspoon flip out and scream Withherglassofsauvblanc. Apparently she’s also giving Jane some checks that she’s not cashing from his estate. In case you forgot, Jane’s first season storyline was focused a lot on her trying to find the man who raped her (and try to maybe kill him), and that person turned out to be Celeste’s husband.
Bangs happened, and they happened hard. I guess since Shailene makes her own toothpaste, she also does her own haircuts. Uh-oh, she’s working at an aquarium now, which I’m certain was a demand from Shailene ’cause she loves the environment (I mean, same girl). Hats off to HBO for having her give us a fact about an octopus to serve as a metaphor for the show. Ladies kill. The prettier something is, the more dangerous—which is why no one ever crosses the street when they see me. I’m the definition of harmless. Watching her dance on the beach in a Patagonia made me very happy I’m not a beach person, and also very happy that I live in New York. I dare someone to dance while jogging down the street and not get spit on or have a pigeon poop on them.
Please PLEASE tell me her coworker isn’t 17 cause they’re 2000% going to f*ck. Or maybe not because he just went up to her and asked if she was on the spectrum? I’m going to say 33% of the scenes this first episode were as necessary as the 7th shot of tequila I had Friday night.
The weirdest thing is Jane now asking if Celeste hates her for sleeping with her husband (when he assaulted her) and also drawing Taylor Swift Reputation-era fan art about him, which looks like it will bode on an insane obsession to come. This just confirms my theory never to trust a girl with #BluntBangs. Prove me wrong.
Apparently a yoga retreat changed her, and potentially not for the better. This is why you don’t go to Tahoe—especially because you get bitter that the group chat carried on without you, and now has a new inside joke as the name. As Madeline says, there’s some sh*t that you can’t just put on Gmail. Like the details of your one night stand or thoughts about the murder you all committed. Her character is getting all the flashbacks from the murder, which makes sense because she’s the one who actually pushed him. Not much has happened with her this episode, besides Bonnie being elusive and apparently installing the most annoying doorbell ever. Literally, all she did was just walk around and sigh, which made me confused: is this HBO or an old episode of The Hills when Lauren Conrad had to work aka send one e-mail? Let’s see if she ends up confessing to the police, or maybe Madeline will just pull a You and lock her in a chamber in her basement before she has the chance.
Laura Dern is still a national treasure and being The Most kind of mom. Her new kids’ teacher is very hot, so I’m personally starting a prayer circle for them to have a hookup session. Wait, now they’re making her have a photoshoot and sing, WHAT IS HAPPENING. As much as I #FeelTheDern, her singing with a bright flashy blazer served me a mix of the Sex and the City 2 karaoke scene and a drag show I saw last week. Kind of into it, though. While she’s doing that, her husband apparently nursed a drinking problem and a toy train collection. Something tells me he’ll be the next husband all these women go after.
Wig. For being a gay icon, the wardrobe department really did her dirty. But moment of silence for having her on TV. Seriously, we all deserve some Streep on our TV screens after the awful mess that was the final season of Game of Thrones.
She’s serving Mrs. Doubtfire energy, but I do love how this character gives a nice breath of fresh air in this world. Bringing her into the mix gives the series more layers besides people just shouting their children’s IQ. And by layers, I mean insane layers of her character screaming and crying while at dinner and also the insane layers of her wig. Sorry, I’m still not over it.
Best quote? “I don’t mean that in a negative way, maybe I do.” RIVALED ONLY BY “who are we planning to kill?” Wait, is my Summer 2019 energy Meryl Streep being a bitch? I don’t hate it for myself.
Overall, this first episode was kind of slow, but I am excited to see where this goes. I also am obsessed with the sparring match of Meryl vs. Reese. Honestly, with the talent of this cast they all could just be reading my past Seamless orders out loud and it would still be interesting (and not only because I can go off with my selection of side sauces).
Images: HBO; Giphy (6)
This Sunday marks the return of Big Little Lies, and I haven’t been more excited for a TV show since…maybe ever? Sorry Game of Thrones fans, but I never got on that bandwagon. It’s been two years since we last got a glimpse into the lives of the ladies of Monterey, and I’m sure there will be plenty more drama on season two.
Until then, let’s have a little fun and imagine what the ladies of Big Little Lies might put in their Ship bios. If nothing else, we know they’d all have a ~killer~ crew to find matches for them.
Boss lady who doesn’t take no for an answer. I wear the pants in the relationship, but lately I’m in the mood to let my hair down a little bit. My daughter Amabella will always be my #1, but maybe you can be #2. If you’re not looking for something serious, step aside, because I take everything seriously.
Widow who’s ready to find the right guy for her and her twin boys. I’ve been hurt in the past, but now I’m taking my happiness into my own hands. Looking for someone for quiet moments on the deck, great dinner parties with friends, and most of all, genuine warmth and kindness. Just be prepared to deal with my mother-in-law.
One part showtunes, one part classic rock. Always up for coffee and gossip, so be careful with your secrets around me. That could be a strength or a weakness, up to you to figure it out. Oh, and if your last name doesn’t start with M, don’t bother. I’ve gotten too far in life to mess up my monogram now. I always know what I want, and I almost always get it.
Life is always unexpected, but there’s nothing good music and a long run on the beach can’t make better. I’ve lived here for a while now, but sometimes I still feel like the new girl in town. My little man and I are a package deal, so if that doesn’t work for you, don’t waste my time.
Life is too short to be stressed. Always in search of balance, purpose, and the best kombucha. I spend much of my time outside, because Mother Nature has blessed us with too many gifts to let them go to waste. If you don’t compost, we probably aren’t a good fit. If we match, message me with your favorite yoga pose, and maybe I’ll tell you mine.
Sadly, we have to wait a few more days to find out what happens on the new season of Big Little Lies, but you can download Ship right now and start putting your crew together. You probably haven’t committed murder together, but you still know all their secrets. If the ladies of Monterey can find happiness, what are you waiting for? Brb, going to go rewatch all of season 1 to make sure I didn’t forget anything important.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
This year was the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards and if you think I’m not going to take this opportunity to LOL like a 13-year-old boy at the number 69 and talk shit about the red carpet looks, you probably stumbled upon this website by mistake. Everyone knows that actually watching the Emmys is kind of pointless, because we’re all just going to root for the one show we’ve actually watched (why isn’t there a Housewives category? So rude) and then be disappointed when some more serious, adult-y show wins instead. Anyway, let’s rip some outfits apart—and, I guess, give credit to the ones that weren’s heinous.
The only possible explanation for this dress is that Mandy wants people to make memes of her. Which like, I get, because normally she’s perfect and there’d be no reason to turn her into a meme. I’m sure there are going to be some diehard fashion betches who will try to defend this Carolina Herrera gown, but there’s nothing you could tell me that will see this dress as anything but a lampshade.
Samantha Bee actually looks pretty fantastic, but my brain accidentally made the connection that this dress looks like it’s straight out of Princess Fiona’s closet and now that’s all I can think about so… sorry, I guess.
You know that picture you’ve had saved on your Halloween Pinterest board since 2014 of that girl dressed like a piñata that you thought was totally doable and creative? But like, you never actually tried to make the costume because you’re too lazy to do anything besides throw on some cat ears and a bodycon dress? Well, this Christian Dior gown is that costume. Generally speaking, if I can hear a dress just by looking at a photo of it, it’s a no from me.
Sarah Hyland is totally that betch who runs to Starbucks the second Pumpkin Spice Lattes are released just for the Instagram. Like, we get it. Fall is awesome. No need to rock a dress that looks like it was made from the same material that every kindergarten teacher uses for their back to school bulletin boards. Her abs look dope though. PM me your workout.
I’m confused. I think this is the same dress my mom wore to my bat mitzvah? I think I see a gown that I could potentially be super into, but it’s underneath a fugly cape so I’m not totally sure.
Evan Rachel Wood
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pantsuit as much as the next girl. But I feel like Evan Rachel Wood’s Jeremy Scott ensemble was going for “Hillary Clinton at the third presidential debate” but ended up at “cater waiter”. Like yes, I would love a bacon-wrapped scallop, thank you, but that’s not the point.
Millie Bobby Brown
If there’s one person who hit the Emmys red carpet that can do no wrong, it’s Millie Bobby Brown. I know that she’s only 13, but she’s already basically a fashion icon. Like, when nobody else has their shit together, MBB rolls up in the cutest Calvin Klein dress of all time and puts the world to shame. She might not have won to break the record for youngest Emmy winner ever, but she’s prob the youngest HBIC I’ve ever seen.
If there are two things I feel the most “eh” about in this world, it’s green dresses and Shailene Woodley. Except, for some reason, I’m loving Shailene Woodley in this green dress. I’m not sure if I’m so into this look because I actually like it, or if it has something to do with homegirl literally showing up to the Primetime Emmys in a messy ponytail and being like “yeah I don’t even own a TV.” Giving zero fucks looks good on you, Woodley.
It’s nearly impossible to wear Balmain without looking like a Kardashian/Jenner wannabe, but Priyanka looks so amazing in this gown that I momentarily forgot that the Kardashians even exist. It’s almost like I feel as though I shouldn’t compliment anyone else’s look because obviously it’s not as perfect as Priyanka’s.
I’m still really salty that Jessica Lange isn’t on this season of American Horror Story, so I’m going to throw her on this list to give her a little face time. Jessica Lange is one of those people who makes you feel stupid for complaining about how bad your hangovers are at age 25, because she’s literally the same age as your grandmother and still slays in Gucci whenever she feels like it. But like, not sure what’s going on with that stray arm, though—she’s just like, dangling it out there in almost all of her pictures. Google it if you don’t believe me. Jessica, pls advise.
Caution: spoilers ahead.
The season finale of Big Little Lies left us all with endless questions. What’s going to happen to Celeste and her kids? Will Madeline leave Ed? Is someone going to jail? Is it possible for a man to look like Alexander Skarsgard and not be absolute garbage? Most importantly, will there be a season two?
Because the show was adapted from a book, we thought we knew the answer to that last question: no. The novel ends with Perry’s death and some other bits of character development like Bonnie’s backstory, but that seems to be about it. Devastating right? Like almost as tragic as naming your daughter Amabella.
But wait! It turns out that people were so obsessed with watching the sordid and tortured lives of these rich white women (who would have guessed?) that the HBO producers and original writer, Liane Moriarty, are considering continuing the story beyond the ending of the book. There’s plenty of material to work with there, but just in case Moriarty is out of ideas we’ve brainstormed a few new plot lines to explore.
Will Celeste ever get closure? Considering the fact that her horrifically abusive/criminally attractive husband just got murdered by a 90 lb. yogi, it seems like that therapist would play a much bigger role in season two. Is her son doomed to the same violent fate as his father?
Wow about the fact that we went a whole season and never addressed that Ed spent most of his free time eye-fucking his teenage step daughter. I’d love some development there, HBO.
Will Chloe achieve her dreams of owning a record label before she graduates first grade? I’d put money on it.
Probably most pressing: at what point will every husband in this show just stop being the fucking worst? How many of them have to die at Montessori school events before they get the hint that they are on thin ice? In fact, can a plague just hit Monterrey that kills every single man except Ziggy? Imagine how exciting the next charity gala would be if we didn’t have to pretend to enjoy a bunch of shitty Elvis costumes.
Once the show starts racking in Emmy’s and Golden Globes, a season two seems inevitable. At least we’ll get to watch Alexander Skarsgard on award show red carpets before he hides away in Sweden, waiting for the next casting call for a Nordic God who mistreats women.