Another day, another flashback to start things off. Honestly, I’m loving this season so far—but you can’t tell me that it doesn’t give you Pretty Little Liars energy. Everyone is waking up and pondering things while looking at the water, because apparently what else do you do in Monterey besides look into the ocean and kill people?
We’re kicking things off with a husband-on-husband scene, and not in the PornHub way. Ed and Nathan talk it out while they’re working out in the morning—another reason why I never jog. Nathan has gotten so annoying, no wonder Bonnie is checked out.
The child custody hearing is off, and Mary Louise is giving her best Iron Lady while also acting like every girl at brunch who wants to sh*t talk their friend who is not there. “No she’s like, literally crazy.”
Celeste hired a lawyer who, while she may not be doing her job, is doing a damn good job at pulling off that jacket. Rent the Runway unlimited, I’m sure.
WHY IS EVERYONE JOGGING? Okay nevermind, Bonnie was just dream jogging—my favorite form of working out. Weird that I still only fit in jeggings. She’s still at the hospital staying with her mom while her dad basically just gives her death glares 24/7. Weird, how did HBO get this tape of my Thanksgiving from last year?
Madeline, desperate for a storyline, is taking Ed on a retreat to bond their relationship that may involve bondage. I can so f*ck with a Carole King sing-along, though.
Celeste is a lawyer, a fact that I’m pretty sure we all forgot about (including Celeste herself), and she went to see Renata to trash talk her lawyer. Dreams. This is the first time Renata has been working all season though, right? I guess the Women In Power article caught on to that, because they pulled her from the article, which actually made me genuinely upset but genuinely not surprised.
Some weird kid came to bully Ziggy and the twins came to his defense—but unfortunately, that defense came with an extreme offense. Both Jane and Celeste’s kids are suspended for three days, so at least they’ll have more time to stare into the water.
Wait, is Bonnie psychic? She’s basically like the Long Island Medium, except not Italian. And not in Long Island.”
Yup, that was definitely a sex cult, but at least it go them to communicate (and communicating in California is just shouting in a car). Ed dragged Madeline (as the kids say) and damn, I do try so hard to feel bad for him in all of their scenes. But, is it just me, or is it impossible to ever blame Reese Witherspoon for anything ever? Let her screw all the theater directors she wants! Every month is Pride!
Renata’s “spent her entire life with a bullseye on her back,” which is a C-minus in terms of all of the lines she’s said this season. She met Mary Louise for tea, in every way that word is used. Mary Louise is shocked this isn’t just a “tea party,” which, no sh*t—that’s like when I invite someone to a workout that winds up just being a brunch. No one drinks tea and no one JOGS IN THE DAMN MORNING.
Celeste is parenting her kids in the best way she can, which is by screaming and crying while also whispering with her whispy bangs. It’s kind of weird that in an alternate universe, her kids would be played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse. Shout-out to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery in Brooklyn.
Ed has a sweet but heartbreaking moment with Chloe that is 100% ruined by Bonnie leading an adult Kidz Bop lesson that’s mixed with an overpriced Brooklyn barre class. “Singing for Sleep Apnea” is definitely a charity party from The Hills. Yikes, looks like Bonnie’s dad is a beyond confirmed piece of sh*t.
Celeste’s lawyer is doing nothing but wearing a coat, round two. After Celeste breaks down at a custody hearing, she sends a group chat to her girls to meet her at the beach (it’s going down). Turns out she’ll have to testify during her settlement, and when she’s on the stand she’s fair game to ask about anything aka the murder. Basically, the lawyer could be like you when you’re in a fight with a friend and try to bring it up casually but you have no chill:
Me: How was your day?
Me: What the f*ck did you say about me in the group chat the other day?
MAJOR shout out to this A+ line from Renata, maybe one of the contenders for best line of the series. “That’s perjury, babe.”
Ed and Chloe, Bonnie and her dad… this is a huge Father’s Day card of emotions going down. He talks to her about how he wanted to keep the peace between all of them, which is what I say to everyone every time I’m in an Uber Pool. Yup, the mom is magic and she can sometimes see things that are right—very That’s Kinda Raven.
Cool, we were all fully weeping when Celeste and her boys were talking, right? Meanwhile, Renata forced Ammabella to play hooky with her, because she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE THE ICE CREAM SCENE. The moment we saw GIF’d and meme’d since Meryl was first announced as a cast member. AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HAPPEN. Instead we got left with Jane slow dancing with her 15-year-old coworker AGAIN. I’m sorry, but why is HBO doing this to us? If I wanted to see someone awkwardly kiss on a couch with blunt bangs, I’d log back into MySpace.
Jane is still struggling to connect sexually with her trauma, and fine, the 15-year-old has grown on me by being so nice with Ziggy. I did realize that Nicole Kidman in a baseball cap is my sexual orientation, though.
Okay, did I just get high, because so much is happening at once? It’s like a dressing room montage, but with kayaks and wine and… assisted suicide? AND TORI FROM THE FIRST EPISODE OF THIS SEASON? Fine, I remember her from there, but in no way shape or form was she in any episode in season one. The bartender gave them shots, and I guess when you’re over 30 that is code for we gon’ bang.
So this episode ends with Jane’s man leaving the police department, Bonnie walking to the police department after probably killing her mom, Madeline’s husband about to have a … threesome… with TORI, and Celeste’s lawyer prob at Marshall’s finding a new jacket. Big Little Lies, what are you on?
Images: HBO; Giphy