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When it comes to sex, I don’t need to tell you there are a lot of different ways to have it. Fast sex! Slow sex! Sweaty sex! Shower sex! Super hot, “brag about to your friends at brunch” sex, and “lazily put your hand down your pants while watching Bridgerton” sex. And while there are a lot (like, a lot a lot) of ways to get off, what works for one person might not work for someone else. But luckily, there’s a way to figure out how you should elevate your sex game without actually trying that hard, thanks, of course, to zodiac signs.
Now, it doesn’t matter whether you believe in astrology or not (*cough* liar *cough*). The truth is, your sign is actually majorly telling when it comes to not only your personality, but your sexual appetite. In fact, if your 2022 goal is to have actually good sex, then selecting the toy for your sign is not only smart, but it’s fate. And since the stars told me you’d be here (and yes, by stars I mean my editor), here’s what your sign thinks you should try this year. Don’t thank me for having the best sex of your life. Thank *~the universe~*.
Fire Signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius
As the name suggests, fire signs are known for bringing the heat and taking calculated risks, so now’s the time to retire your showerhead and do something a little more daring. Trust us, you can do better than your apartment’s mediocre water pressure.
As the very first sign of the zodiac, it’s no surprise Aries is all about being coming first. You know. Literally. Even though you’re a little impatient at times, that’s just because you’re looking out for #1, and when it comes to getting off, that’s absolutely not a bad thing. In fact, it’s low-key essential. IDK about you, but the last time someone made sure I orgasmed first was never.
Whether you’re hooking up with someone or just going at it solo, you need a toy that’ll get the job done fast, because according to you, if you’re not first, you’re… well, you’re always first, so the rest of that’s irrelevant. That’s why you need a wand vibrator. This iconic style has over 16 vibration options and can be used all over your body to scratch that sexual itch fast. Your playful side will love the sparkly blue and pink options, and your selfish side will love the fact that’ll it’ll get you off in mere seconds.
Even if you know jack shit about the zodiac, you probably know Leo is represented by a lion. And while, like a lion, Leos tend to spend way too much energy on their hair and for some reason always want to nap in the sun, you’re also the queen of playing cat and mouse. The chase is half the fun for you, and once you’ve captured
your prey a partner, you like to run the show. And thankfully, there’s an easy way to lean into your bossy tendencies that can double as sexiness: BDSM.
Take the role of a dominatrix and incorporate some powerplay in 2022. Not only do you get to call the shots, but it actually counts as erotic so like, win-win. To get your full Leo-ness, grab a pair of animal print wrist cuffs to keep your minion(s) in place. If you want even more control, there’s a matching blindfold (which you can use solo) and flogger that’ll help you go all Fifty Shades but in a non-problematic way.
Hi Sag, so good of you to make it. You know, since committing to something—anything—isn’t your best quality. Since you’re probably skimming this while waiting in line at the airport, watching Netflix, or pretending to pay attention in a Zoom meeting, I’ll cut to the chase: You need something that can keep up with your restless ways. With an attention span as robust as a goldfish’s and a constant need to go out and explore, a clunky sex toy or accessory that’s going to weigh you down are big nos. What you need is something sleek, portable, and fast. Enter: the Vesper vibrating necklace from Crave.
At a glance, it just looks like a chic cylinder necklace, but upon closer inspection, you’ll notice a little button that when pressed, turns the charm into your clitoris’ new BFF. Not only is it super quiet and easy to clean, but it’s USB rechargeable so you don’t have to worry about international plugs when you’re off chasing your next #wanderlust whim.
Earth Signs: Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn
The most grounded of the signs, earth signs tend to gravitate toward anything classic, understated, and sophisticated. While you’re not likely to see a glow-in-the-dark ball gag here, there are still plenty of ways to get off if you like to keep things a little more vanilla and a little less “smack my ass and call me by your ex’s name.”
When it comes to basically anything in your life, you expect the absolute best absolutely all the time. Things like massages, subscription boxes, and “just because” peonies are your bread and butter, and if it doesn’t make you feel like a pampered f*cking princess, it’s not for you. While there aren’t a ton of sex toys out there that’ll meet your standards, Zalo’s Marie vibrator will impress even your fancy-ass taste.
The classic wand shape—which can be used for internal or external stimulation—has eight different vibration settings and comes in three different colors (red, blue, and pink), but it’s the extras of the toy that’ll actually make a Capricorn like you interested. Inspired by the opulence of Marie Antoinette, the vibe has a 24 karat gold chain and tip that somehow makes lazy afternoon orgasms seem extremely high-end. Plus, it comes in a Rococo-inspired gift box that will absolutely become a focal point of your bedroom’s French-riviera-meets-Gossip Girl aesthetic.
The fact that Virgo’s here reading this is a major win. As Type-As with a desire to please, sex toys—especially out-of-the-box sex toys—might make you feel a little squirrely. No matter how clean and uncomplicated you are, though, we know deep down even you like to get dirty every now and again (as long as there’s plenty of hand sanny around, ofc). That’s why a simple yet elevated vibrator that you don’t have to panic about if you leave it on your dresser is the move.
Crave’s Wink+ could literally pass as a (very pretty) pen or lipstick, so you can toss it in your purse or suitcase or pocket, and you don’t have to worry if someone stumbles across it because it looks hella inconspicuous. And as far as using it, it’s about as simple as vibrators get. The singular button sifts through the seven total speeds/settings and the entire metal body is waterproof so it’s all good for that shower cry you have to have in order to destress after a day of perfectionism.
Hardworking, ambitious, and practical, as a Capricorn you’ve had it all since you started beating out all the slackers for awards and promotions. While some people might accuse you of being too calculated, you know the truth: Hard work + a logical brain = getting everything you’ve ever wanted. And this year, we want you to have lots and lots of really good sex. But because you need data and numbers to determine whether or not it’s *actually* good, a smart IA vibe like the Lioness is where it’s at.
Basically, the toy, which looks like your typical rabbit vibrator, uses built-in sensors to literally track your arousal and orgasms. You then sync it to the app where you can see the data behind your sesh and discover ways to—get this—get better at orgasming. If the thought of looking at your pleasure charted on a freaking graph doesn’t get your Capricorn nipples hard, the fact that the company’s slogan is “never measured, never improved” should do it.
Air Signs: Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius
Right this way, weirdos. As the unique, innovative, and delightfully strange ones of the zodiac, air signs are the folks most likely to let their freak flags fly really fucking high. For them, the more unexpected, the better—and sex is no exception.
Geminis tend to get a bad rap for being fickle, but you know what others fail to see: That your whim-chasing personality is a mf gift. Instead of constantly overanalyzing, you like to just go, whether that means snagging concert tix you can’t afford or kissing people you shouldn’t. Since your desires—and partners—are always changing, one toy probably won’t cut it. That’s why you need an unexpected sex toy multi-pack in your 2022 life.
From the company Cute Little Fuckers (perfect name), these strange yet adorable (like you!) vibrators work with anybody and any gender, so if your sexual preferences or partners ebb and flow, these toys will still have you covered. Plus, the different shapes mean you can try everything from penetrative masturbation to inserting a fake purple octopus up your ass. And let’s be real, if anyone’s going to love playful sex toys that could double as stoner animation, it’s you.
Romantic yet indecisive, Libras could never go for a standard vibrator because not only do you want options, but you want those options to *mean* something. What’s the point if it doesn’t involve chest-heaving passion, dammit?! Having so many feelings is exhausting, isn’t it? Luckily, you’re not alone. In fact, couple’s kits are a major component of basically every sex retailer because finding new and exciting ways to connect with someone is kinda the point. That’s why a sensual multipack, like Lovehoney’s Midnight Magic Kit, is huge for a flirty little thang like you.
The kit comes with everything from a bullet vibrator to a suction vibrator to a penis ring, all of which can be used with your partner du jour. Light the scented candle and roll those sexy dice for a year of constantly changing sexual experiences that go beyond just hooking up and gazing into each others’ eyes. You can connect! Emotionally! With sex toys! Libra, your time is now.
As the certified Aquarian of pretty much any group, I’m here to tell you the rumors are true: We’re just as non-conforming and independent as these types of roundups make us seen. The worst thing that can happen to an Aquarius is they feel like everyone else, so an outside-the-box sex toy is the only way to actually please you. Enter Lelo’s ENIGMA, with a name as fitting as the toy design.
The chrome purple vibrator looks straight-up futuristic, and the fact that it can deliver different types of orgasms depending on how you use it is right up an Aquarian’s ally. The best part is, if you roll up to a sex sesh with this bad boy, I can guarantee your partner will have never seen anything like it, thus making you the coolest, most unique person they’ve ever been with. Not that you aren’t already, but still, it’s nice to have your bases covered.
Water Signs: Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio
Why are water signs so emotional? Because they’re always crying. Kidding! Sort of! Truthfully though, when it comes to feeling the feels and getting all sentimental, no one gets mushy quite like these H20 signs.
Poor, exhausted Pisces. From always saying “yes” to plans you wish you could ditch and constantly trying to find ways to express your creative side, those bags under your eyes have taken up permanent residency. It’s a good thing Gen-Z decided they were cool though, especially because trends are basically your blood type. It’s not so much that you like what everyone likes, but it’s honestly just easier than constantly searching for the next thing to inspire you. That’s why 2022 is the time for you to chill TF.
Since you’re already big on baths (hello they’re trendy and your symbol is a fish), why not incorporate something that’ll reduce your bubble time stress even more? Lovability’s WaterSlyde is a literal slide you attach to your bath faucet that directs that sweet sweet water stream to *exactly* the right spot. So not only is it sustainable, one-of-a-kind, and doesn’t require a charger (which you lent to your friend last week), but it’s also no-frills, which means less stress and more screaming in ecstasy from the water.
The tricky thing with Cancers and sex toys is that typically when you have sex, you like there to be a connection. Not every time— you’re not a nun or anything. But a deep, passionate, tear-my-heart-out-and-eat-it-with-blood-running-down-your-face kind of love isn’t too much to ask, is it? Not at all. And while things are great when you have it, losing it is pretty much a travesty. That’s why 2022 is going to be the year we bridge the gap between letting go of the past and hanging onto it for dear fucking life. To do this, you need a human penis (preferably one attached to a human you love, or at least like) and a DIY dildo kit.
The point here is you’re going to make a mold of your beloved’s penis that will then become a dildo you can use for the rest of your life. Think about it. Years later when you’re looking through your memory boxes of pictures and letters, you can whip out this baby and remember what it was like to get laid by whatever person isn’t texting you back quickly enough right now. No, it’s not exactly healthy, but hey, at least it’s better than stalking (which you really need to stop doing, BTW).
Last but literally never least is the most passionate sign of the zodiac. As a Scorpio, you probably read the rest of this article like “…and?” Very little surprises you because, duh, you are the surprise, and picking a sex toy that you either haven’t tried or haven’t considered trying is near impossible. As the sign least likely to shy away from a dildo or blush at the idea of buying a vibrator, your chaotic personality calls for a toy as delightful as it is terrifying: an anal training kit.
Whether or not you’ve already ventured into backdoor play, this kit from Adam & Eve is made to turn butt play beginners into straight-up pros for anal sex, penetrative pleasure, or simply bragging rights. And if you get bored using it on yourself, insist your newest plaything try it out. Because if anyone can get their partner to shove a giant, 6″ anal plug up their ass, it’s you.
Images: Nuria Seguí / Stocksy.com; adameve.com; lewandmassager.com (2); cloneawilly.com; lovabilityinc.com; lelo.com; lovehoney.com (2); cutelittlefuckers.com; lioness.io; lovecrave.com (2); zalousa.com
Once upon a time (re: all 2020), the idea of having plans—any plans—seemed like a dream. After spending every second inside, simple errands like going to the grocery store or picking up a prescription became an event. Now that you’re vaxxed and the CDC says leaving your house is like, kinda okay, you’re faced with a dilemma you never thought you’d be in again: canceling plans you have no intention of showing up to. Maybe you wanted to go out but now you’re in your comfy clothes and can’t fathom putting on heels, or perhaps the thought of listening to your friends talk about work sounds like, well, work. Whatever it is, you’re in the market for a “get out of plans” excuse, and luckily, your answer has been written in the stars.
Whether you’re a perpetual bailer (shame) or this is your first time (awww!), your astrological sign already knows how this is going to go down. Whether you tell the truth about wanting to stay home, lie through your teeth, or destroy your friendships to avoid having to say “I don’t want to go to brunch,” your zodiac sign is very telling of how you’ll get out of your commitments. Does that make you less of a piece of sh*t? No. But hey, at least this way it’s not your fault you suck! You can blame it on the universe!
Doesn’t it blow that you were the one who made these plans? You were the one who literally begged everyone to keep their Friday night open so you could all chug margs and talk sh*t about the Aquarius in your group, and now you’re just kinda not feeling it? Even though you’re basically the leader of your group (duh), it’s kinda exhausting having to be the fun one all the time, right? Luckily for you, you have the easiest excuse to get out of plans in the entire zodiac: You’re the ringleader, and you’re usually the one pulling the strings, so yeah, you deserve to bail. Be honest, upfront, and tell everyone you’re exhausted/sick/not feeling like hanging tonight. They’ll give you sh*t, but you kinda DGAF. Plus, it’s nice to leave the peasants wanting more, right?
Whether or not you actually wanted to be a part of these plans when they were made (uh, spoiler: you didn’t), you’re now absolutely not on board. I’m sorry, a club/brunch/shopping? In this humidity? Granted, the fact that you’ve been stressing about canceling for two days is making everything worse, but it doesn’t matter. You absolutely cannot and will not go. Unless, of course, you think everyone will be mad at you. Do you think they’ll be mad at you? They won’t… right? F*ck. Now’s the perfect time to play the “I’m not drinking/on a diet/on a budget” card and avoid any attempts by your friends to create new plans that will fit into your new strict, sober, vegan, spending-zero-cash lifestyle. It’s not your fault, they just don’t understand. *Sigh*
Gemini! I truly wasn’t expecting to see you here. Welcome! Have you ever canceled a plan? I mean, I know you think about it. Like, all the time. You literally fantasize about bailing on pretty much everything. But actually doing it? That’s a different story. While you tend to dread events you don’t want to go to, by the time you’re there (and okay, two shots in), you’re the life of the GD party. It’s kind of cute that you think this time will be different, TBH. As much as you want to, you know you’re not doing to ditch—the FOMO is far too real for you. Might as well start heating up your curler, baby. Because you’re going out tonight, whether you like it or not.
You honestly can’t decide if you want to go out, and that’s why canceling plans is so tricky for Cancers. On one hand, the thought of getting dressed and getting drunk with your frenemies sounds kind of dreadful. But on the other hand, not doing that also sounds kind of dreadful. So no matter what you do, you’re going to have a mediocre time at best. Yay for overthinking! You’re no stranger to bailing on plans, so why don’t you just do what you always do: blame your cancelation on something petty, like feeling bloated, or the fact that Jessica (who is definitely going to be there because she already posted that she was in the Uber) didn’t like your recent picture, and honestly? Rude. You just aren’t up for that kind of hostility tonight.
You’re dressed. You’re wearing falsies. You’re already three vodka sodas in. And yet, for some reason, you’re not feeling that usual tingle in your vagina that says “I’m going to have a f*cking blast tonight.” Granted, you’re not one to cancel plans—and you’re the first to give anyone who tries major sh*t—but like, does going out even sound that good? Luckily, since you’re usually the one calling the shots (and buying them), it’s simple to be like, “Sorry guys, I have a headache. Have fun,” and turn off notifications for the rest of the night. Sure, everyone will bad mouth you behind your back, but that’s only because without you, your friends will be buying their own drinks and going home by 10pm. Enjoy your night off, Leo. You earned it.
Dreading the drunk plans you made last week that are looming ahead, Virgo? That checks out. Even though you love having people depend on you, you could really do with a night off. The problem is, you were the one who made the reservations. And created the dress code for the evening. Annnnnd sent out the itinerary. You know if you bail, your perfectly envisioned night of bar hopping will turn into your idiot friends going to the same bar they always hit up and drunk crying in the corner. But why is that your fault? You’ve spent so long planning for this night, now that it’s here you’re kind of over it. Either fake a stomach bug or go along with the night, moping on the dance floor when half the people show up sans costume and take a cab home by 11. Either way, you’re in for an obnoxious evening.
You’re not one to back out of plans. Seriously, you’re not. You hate those people who just like, disappear when they start dating someone new and bible, you’d never do that. And you mean it! And even though you swiped with a 10 while you were getting ready and he asked you out at the same time you were supposed to meet your friends, that doesn’t mean you’re going to bail on your girls just to get laid. Honestly, anyone who does that is THE worst. *Phone buzzes* Awww he said you look beautiful. I mean duh, you do. But that was nice of him to—*phone buzzes.* Oh my God, he’s so funny. Maybe you’ll just see him for a drink like, after? *Phone buzzes.* He has a Tesla? *Phone buzzes* And he’s on his way to see you. Sh*t. Well, your friends will understand, right? I mean, this could be ~the one.~ I know, I know… you said that about the guy with the beard last month, but this time is different.
Aww, Scorpio! This isn’t your first time canceling plans, but it is your first time actually thinking through the decision. More often than not you just pick a fight to get out of something or blatantly ignore what you were supposed to do in an effort to avoid going to coffee with your new internet friend. So, the fact that you’re even thinking through this decision is like, very big of you. Congrats! I mean, you probably already canceled your plans by saying something like “hungover,” “feeling ugly,” or “I hate you,” but still. Good on you for thinking of others!
How does a Sag cancel plans? They just don’t commit in the first place! You’re not a piece of sh*t on purpose, but what do people expect? You to just agree to go to something when you don’t know how you’ll feel, if you’ll want to go, or if something better will come along? Pshhh, as if. While you’re not one to commit to anything, if you do RSVP yes and change your mind last-minute (which you will, obviously), you’ll just pretend your phone broke, your car wouldn’t start, or you suddenly came down with a serious case of sobriety. Next time, just remember: If you never agree to anything, you’ll never have to lie your way out of it.
Your friends know you to be the definition of driven, which is why you have the perfect excuse to get out of plans: Goal chasing, baby. Since you’re already the one in your group who got a promotion, snagged a #SponCon, discovered an ab, and got verified on social, it’s not surprising if you blow off a happy hour to “get some work done.” Whether you say you got called into the office, received a last-minute assignment, or have a meeting you just have to take with a *top secret* marketing firm, no one will think twice when you bail for the sake of your own success (even though it’s only because they all want to mooch off you). That fact that you’ll ~actually~ be at home, smoking weed and masturbating to Bridgerton can stay between you and me.
As one of the Queens of Canceling on Plans, you’ve got bailing down to an art form. You don’t need me to tell you how to do it, because honestly? You’re basically a pro. From claiming a family emergency and tagging yourself at a hospital to saying you have a last-minute work project and staying logged into Slack all day, you’re no stranger to creating excuses to get out of sh*t. So, put your feet up, let everyone know your cat is sick, and enjoy a night off with Netflix and not wearing heels. Your friends probably don’t even know you’re allergic to cats anyway, let alone that you don’t have one.
If there’s one sign that has a hard time following through with bailing on plans, it’s Pisces. No matter how many times you say you just want to stay home, you don’t want to spend money, or you have work in the morning, no one really cares—they’ll all just yell at you until you order an Uber for the entire group. While sure, you could just like, try to say no, will you actually stick with it, or will you find yourself at a club at 2am nursing a watered-down vodka and trying not to think about the fact that you have to wake up in four hours? The only way for you to successfully get out of sh*t is to color your hair, fake your own death, and flee to another country. That way, you’ll get at least a few years before another plan comes along, and you’ll start the cycle all over again. But it’s that or standing your ground and honestly, running away just sounds easier.
Images: HOMME PRODUCTIONS / Stocksy.com Giphy (12)
Well, I just looked up from doomscrolling Twitter, and apparently it’s fall now? WTF. March was yesterday, and also 10,000 years ago. I won’t lie—there’s a lot going on that’s interfering with my typical unparalleled enjoyment of *spooky season*. But, despite the odds, the seasons do continue to change, even as the world (and literally the entire West Coast) burns, and I’m going to enjoy it by injecting an extremely unnecessary amount of pumpkin into everything I put into my mouth for the next month. We’re all just finding joy where we can right now, okay?
Honestly, I have always loved this time of year. There’s really never been a better time to attach yourself to a couch and watch something that’s both terrifying and comfortingly fictional. Whether you’re obsessed with the gross and gory or you prefer a horrifying mind-trip, there’s plenty of content out there to satisfy or scare the hell out of you, depending on what you’re into. As an air sign, it is admittedly hard to focus my attention completely on one thing, so I tend to be drawn toward psychological and romantic thrillers as well as mysteries with enough twists and turns to keep my interest piqued. I also tend to have 78 projects going at once and a tendency to talk sh*t, but that’s neither here nor there. More to the point, I have a ton of obsessive TV-watching expertise, so whether your zodiac element is fire, earth, water, or air, I’ve got a recommendation for the best spooky season content for you.
Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn
Y’all are a logical, grounded bunch. You’re used to friends coming to you for advice, and you’re hands down the best at keeping a secret because you’re loyal as hell. You crave stability and structure, and a gaping plot hole makes you angry for days.
I suggest you watch Away on Netflix, a new sci-fi drama featuring Hilary Swank as an astronaut sent on the first ever expedition to Mars with her flight crew. It’ll give you a new sense of gratitude that your significant other is on the same planet as you. Another suggestion for you is post-apocalyptic thriller Bird Box on Netflix. If you didn’t see it already, it’s a great combo of gritty, physical drama with a twist that makes it more unique than your typical scary movie. Same with A Quiet Place on Hulu; it’s scary and silent, like the virus terrorizing us right now. Maybe too real?
Oldies like the classic psychological thriller Silence of the Lambs, streaming on Netflix, are also a solid choice because they’re scary but you probably know what happens—so you can revisit a fav without being so terrified that you curl up in a ball and are too afraid to get up to pee in the middle of the night. If you’re both brave and just dying for something new, try the horror crime drama series The Outsider on HBO Max. It’s based on a Stephen King novel that I found heart-stoppingly frightening because, well, duh, it’s Stephen King, but also compelling AF.
Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Air signs are all about communication. Above all, you need something entertaining, super intellectually stimulating, and that can satisfy your need to delve into the abstract while also being emotional and dramatic enough to keep your attention away from your phone. Not an easy feat.
Just released on Netflix, supernatural horror series The Haunting of Bly Manor is a must-watch for air signs. The limited series is based on the most terrifying book I’ve ever read in my life, The Turn of the Screw by Henry James, and it’s truly haunting because there’s never a clear conclusion to the horror. and there are multiple interpretations of which perspective is the truth. It’s sure to engage the part of an air sign brain that loves conceptual thinking and also enjoys bone-chilling terror on multiple psychological levels! You won’t fall asleep until it’s starting to get light outside, but you live for that kind of mental stimulation anyway.
Another good choice for supernatural horror is The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix. Creepy but fascinating, and focused on female power, the whole “deciding between dark and light” dichotomy will appeal to air signs especially, who tend to see the world in shades of gray and believe there are three sides to every story. For the same reason, I also recommend the first season of crime-horror drama Evil, also streaming on Netflix. It’s a show with plotlines that leave plenty of room for opinionated debate, which is your favorite workout. I also recommend something truly frightening or with some twists, but that isn’t totally disgusting, since blood and gore can be a bit too in your face for an air sign. Horror-thriller movie The Invisible Man is new on HBO, starring the incomparable Elisabeth Moss.
Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Passionate, fiery, and driven: you guessed it; it’s the fire signs. Voted most likely to hog the microphone at the bar on karaoke night, this element’s signs are also prone to tantrums when they don’t get their way. No judgment. This group is full of charisma and charm, and this lineup will give you all the drama you’ve been craving since March.
You’re missing the high of being the center of attention in a crowd. Feeling the urge to go mingle with your neighbors? American Murder: The Family Next Door is a true crime documentary film streaming on Netflix that will fix that. Seriously, be careful when watching this if you’re afraid of losing whatever faith you still have left in humanity. Ratched, a new psychological thriller out on Netflix now, is disturbing enough to be entertaining without making you hide in a closet if you watch it alone. Plus, there are some steamy scenes between Sarah Paulson and Miranda aka Cynthia Nixon, and you can watch those with your vibrator because who TF is going to stop you? One of the main themes besides basic terror is also revenge, which speaks to you on a deep level as one of the more aggressive elements.
American Horror Story: Coven, season three of the American Horror Story series, is on Amazon Prime Video and Netflix. So, on your own time, go watch (or re-watch) arguably the show’s best season, which you’re sure to enjoy because it’s all about badass women who like to be in charge and men who ain’t sh*t. Lastly, an especially scary recommendation for one of the bravest elements is the reality series Haunted on Netflix. Real people telling their real-life stories about the horrifying and supernatural things they’ve experienced, reenacted for your entertainment. Watch at your own risk.
Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces
Sensitive, emotional, and naturally empathetic and nurturing, no one gives a better shoulder to cry on than a water sign. For your lineup in these stressful times, you need comfort first and foremost—and preferably some steamy romance you can watch from deep within your duvet. Water signs are also ideal scary movie-watching partners, because your borderline psychic tendencies mean you correctly pick out the twist about halfway through the movie without fail. What water signs need right now though are classics, the favorites, and honestly? I’m most jealous of this lineup.
To start, I recommend Hocus Pocus (Disney+), one of the best Halloween movies of all time—sure to transport you to a time when things were simpler and the biggest problem we faced was the debate on candy corn. Next up on the list are movies The Nightmare Before Christmas (Disney+), or Hotel Transylvania (playing at various times on Freeform or on Hulu with live access), both great animated indulgences if you literally just need to watch a spooky cartoon for a sec, or if you have kids and need them to leave you alone.
All five of the Twilight movies can be streamed on Hulu or Amazon Prime, for those of you who love a guilty pleasure cult-favorite. And, because we know how much you love sex and vampires, True Blood is also streaming on HBO Max, and there are plenty of scenes there to make you swoon into your glass of red wine as you bask in your “kidnapped by a fanged, shirtless angel of the undead” fantasy. If you need something new in your life, horror drama series Lovecraft Country is streaming on HBO Max and is shaping up to be a must-watch.
If you’ve got any other recommendations, please leave them in the comments. Otherwise, grab your sherpa blanket and bottle(s) of wine so you can binge to your heart’s content as you fill out your mail-in ballot! Spooky season has officially arrived.
Images: GIPHY (4), Ehud Neuhaus / Unsplash
Yes kids, you read that title right. If you’re quarantined with your significant other (or your ex, or your Ship date—no judgment here), you’ve got little else to do than watch new Netflix shows, learn how to cook something, and try different sex positions. Oh, and I guess do some work while you’re supposed to be working from home. But since the good ol’ missionary position, quarantine blow jobs, and reverse cowgirl can get a little boring after like, day four, we rounded up the best positions based on your stars and planets. You’re so welcome.
Pisces: Good Ol’ 69
Congrats, Pisces, because the best position for you is of the oral variety. Since you tend to be very emotional and artistic, an oral position where both partners can get a little carried away is a great way to at least start things off. Hey, if you wanna leave it there and finish each other off that way, too, be my guest. Basically, lean in to a classic 69 position to have the most fun. Go sideways or one on top of the other—I shouldn’t have to paint the picture here; you should know what 69 looks (and feels) like at this point in your life.
Aries: Something In The Shower
Oh, Aries. You’re such a combative sign, which makes a position that can get a little rough the perfect choice for you. May we recommend a position in the shower, against a wall? Seems weird, but hear us out: since you seem to like competition, and this position requires some strength, determination, and the ability to not slip, you can treat it as a your very own personal Olympics. Climb that sh*t like a tree, and give it a solid five minutes of trying before you give up.
Taurus: Side Lying Laziness
As an earth sign, Taurus, we get that you just want to take all damn day when it comes to sexy time. Whether that means hours of foreplay or slowly taking your time, sex for you means connecting and being truly intimate with your partner. So, while you’re staying inside, may we recommend a side-facing position prime for lots of kissing, cuddling, and lazy sex? It’s perfect for while you’re both in your bathrobes and can’t be bothered to put on actual clothing.
Gemini: Kitchen Counter Encounter
Quick, dirty, and to the point seems to be the best bet for you when it comes to sex, Gemini. So, since you’re stuck in the house anyway, why not make use of the kitchen counter (disinfect before and after, please) and have a quickie with your SO? Sit on the counter and wrap your legs around your partner. That’ll make for sexy eye contact and some great dirty talk.
Cancer: Lazy Cowgirl
Oh, Cancer, you’re such a giver in the bedroom. Chances are, you already love to take your time with your partner, and the coronavirus is only making time even more of a social construct. That being the case, if it isn’t already your fav position, may we recommend the lazy cowgirl? Basically, you get on top, but instead of sitting up, lay down and ride that beast while making sure there’s lots of kissing, neck touching, and long, penetrating stares.
Leo: Legs Up
You’re such an attention whore, Leo, but we’re here for it. The best position for you to try is one that puts you in a show-off position for your partner, and what better way than a sort of riff on missionary with your legs over your partner’s shoulders? Yes, really. Lay on your back and have your partner crouch in front of your legs while you throw your legs over their shoulders. You’ll get to try out your sexy porn faces, lay on your back so you don’t have to do all the work, and you can easily incorporate toys in this position.
Virgo: Side Saddle
You’re kind of an emotional rollercoaster, Virgo, and that’s totally fine. It works to your advantage in the bedroom, since intimacy and communication roll over into sexy talk, sub/dom stuff, and letting your partner sort of take the lead. A great position to try is a side saddle option where you sit sideways on your partner, who sits with their legs out straight. You can both control the speed of things, arms are perfect for wrapping around each other’s necks and backs, and there’s plenty of face to face time.
Since you’re all for balance and trying new things, Libra, the best position to try is one that allows for easy change-ups of who’s in charge. May we suggest the octopus? You’ve probably done it without realizing, but this position lets you or your partner “steer”, so to speak. Basically, you can sit facing outwards on your partner’s lap (sort of like reverse cowgirl) and both you and your partner are sitting up. If your partner is penetrating from behind, you can touch yourself at the same time—or invite them to join in, too. This position is great for using those toys you’ve been too nervous to try, too.
You’re such a psycho, Scorpio, but we’re here for it. You love to be intense af and never miss an opportunity to get physical. It is, after all, a great way for you to connect on an emotional level with your partner (which explains why you tend to get super attached and send 85 texts when things are sorta over already). The position for you to lean into this quarantine week is of the scissoring variety. Basically, you and your partner sit back and form an X with your legs. Either of you can take charge or lay back and be dominated.
Ugh, does anyone actually like the name of this position? Regardless of how you feel about the name, Sagittarius, you tend to be a little outspoken and take advantage of positions that are bold and playful. So, the tried-and-true doggy style is perfect for you. You can invite some spanking, dirty talk, and hair-pulling for a position that can be taken just about anywhere. That’ll come in handy, since you’re going to be locked in the same space for two weeks.
You’re super focused on doing a good job, Capricorn, which seems to carry over into the bedroom. A steamy encounter for you is one where both of you have an amazing end-cap, and the lotus position can help with that. Basically, the giving partner sits cross-legged while the other sits on top, wrapping their legs around the bottom partner. The position makes for some truly deep sh*t, allows for eye contact, and sets you both up for amazing orgasms. Yay.
You love weird sh*t, Aquarius, which makes most sex positions kind of vanilla for you. For you, it isn’t so much about the position, but the location. We recommend a standing position anywhere other than the bedroom. Take it to the walk-in closet while you have guests over, or try to quietly get a quickie in during a commercial break in your powder room. Basically, just let the mood strike anywhere and go with it.
Images: Becca Tapert, Unsplash; Giphy (12)
Once upon a time, before they started marrying old French guys and wearing outrageously expensive, ornate rugs, the Olsen twins owned Hollywood. From the late 90’s to the mid 00’s, you couldn’t blink without another Olsen twin movie being released. Considering my name is Mary Kate, this offered me a certain amount of (entirely unearned) clout at every slumber party I attended in my adolescence.
The question I sought to answer today was not which Olsen movie is best, as doing so would result in a comment war that I, for one, am unprepared for. Instead we pursue the more important query: which one represents your zodiac sign? If you think about it, it was only a matter of time before these two cultural juggernauts intersected.
Aries – ‘Switching Goals’
Considering this entire movie is centered around competition and proving others wrong at all costs, it would be ridiculous to assign it to any sign but Aries. Identity switches in the name of mischief is peak Olsen twin, but identity switches in the name of spiting those who underestimated you? Aries to the core.
Taurus – ‘Getting There’
The stubborn nature in a Taurus means they’ll stop at nothing to accomplish something they’ve set their mind to. In Getting There, the Olsen twins come across every conceivable obstacle you could imagine while en route to the Olympics, and they just. won’t. quit. Like, that road trip stopped being fun about 20 minutes in, but you bet a true Taurus will see it through just to say they did!!
Gemini – ‘It Takes Two’
Happy Gemini season! As a reward, you get one of the Olsen classics, It Takes Two. This film represents the true duality in Gemini’s nature by bringing together two young Olsens who aren’t actually even twins! Separate, they’re effectively useless, but together, they’re able to set up their parents and save the day from an evil fiancé. It’s like Parent Trap, but without the extreme parental neglect as a major plot point.
Cancer – ‘Holiday in the Sun’
In Holiday in the Sun, the Olsen twins are pissed about the fact that they get to ride their dad’s private jet to a Caribbean resort for Spring Break, all because they’d rather be in Hawaii. To put it lightly, these young, dumb b*tches need some perspective, much like most Cancers I know. Don’t get me wrong, they’re lovely, caring people. But sometimes they need to be reminded that their lives are not quite as tragic as they make them out to be.
Leo – ‘Our Lips are Sealed’
Landing yourself in Witness Protection and then not even being able to keep your mouth shut about it is so entirely Leo that I spent the last 20 minutes trying to scour the internet for a birth date that might have been mentioned in this movie. Not only that, but then becoming Queen of the Australians, an outlandish and outrageous people, by beating them at their own game?? Find this movie in the dictionary next to Leo.
Virgo – Winning London
A Virgo is never caught off guard, and in the off chance they are they’ll do everything they can to come back from it. In Winning London, the Olsen twins arrive in London for a Model UN competition, only to find that their chosen country has been taken and proceed to spend the rest of the movie furiously preparing for a competition that they inevitably win. I think. Haven’t seen it in 15 years. Anyway, Virgos are lovable, competitive nerds, and they’d win model UN any day. Next.
Libra – ‘Double, Double, Toil and Trouble’
First and foremost, I’ve never met a Libra who didn’t love witchy sh*t. They’re born with a predilection for wearing black and buying crystals, I swear. That, combined with their love of leveling the playing field, makes Double, Double, Toil and Trouble the ultimate Libra-Olsen mash-up. Libras can’t help fighting for the underdog, even if that underdog is a witch trapped in a mirror by her evil twin sister.
Scorpio – ‘Billboard Dad’
Putting your own father’s love life on blast by renting out a Billboard to find him a date is the most Scorpio sh*t I’ve ever heard of in my life. Dramatics? Check. Meddling? Check. A healthy dose of embarrassment, disguised as self-serving concern? Double check. Take a break from scheming this weekend, Scorpio, and watch the original masters do what they do best.
Sagittarius – ‘When in Rome’
In When in Rome, the Olsen twins land a fashion internship in Rome and then are immediately fired, at which point they spend the rest of the movie trying to prove their worth. They do so by having wild adventures, falling in love, and not really worrying about the internship at all, yet it all seems to work out anyway. This is peak Sagittarius, who always manages to pull their life together without ever really seeming to exert any effort towards the matter. Go to Rome. Throw some pizzas. Land the dream job. You got this.
Capricorn – ‘To Grandmother’s House We Go’
Capricorns are sensible, responsible creatures who own their sh*t. They are the only people I can think of who would exile themselves to their grandmother’s home because their mom needs a break. These two wily FIVE-YEAR-OLDS manage to make it to their destination, pre-GPS, nearly unharmed. Sounds like a sensible adventure to me.
Aquarius – ‘New York Minute’
Much like the Olsen twins in this wildly under-appreciated film, Aquarians will do whatever it takes to chase their dreams. Spontaneous trips to Manhattan, dodging criminals and truant officers, having to hang out with Jared Padalecki (f*ck you, Dean)—no price is too high to pay on the path to self-actualization. Plus, both sisters in this movie represent the two distinct identities in an Aquarian personality: the wildly reckless and the overbearing control freak.
Pisces – ‘Passport to Paris’
Nothing says Pisces like scoring a last-minute trip to the most romantic city in the world and then falling in love immediately upon arrival. Melanie and Ashley settling for the first mediocre French boys to wander their way is indicative of the Pisces’ need for companionship, even if it’s means sacrificing their own standards. There’s also a fair amount of matchmaking involved between a rogue supermodel and the twins’ chaperone, which is a Pisces move if I’ve ever heard one.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (8)
You all know about Mercury retrograde (aka the reason for all of life’s problems), but have you heard about the sh*tshow that is Saturn retrograde? Saturn is all about rules and discipline (fun), and its retrograde status means you’re going to be questioning everything in your life. (Not that you’re not already doing that.) And how long will this existential crisis last? Oh, just five months. Fun! Read your weekly horoscopes to see what is in store for you this week and during Saturn retrograde in general.
You might want to chill on the career moves for this week, Aries. I’m not saying call out “sick” and spend all week dissecting the most recent Game of Thrones episode—though you totally could do that if you wanted. But if you’re planning to ask for a raise maybe wait until Saturday, when a New Moon in Taurus is seriously upping your earning potential.
I know you’re dying to reward yourself with a summer vacation right now (it is Taurus season, after all), but pump the breaks on purchasing any flights just yet. Saturn’s retrograde is making hastily planned getaways your enemy right now, so make sure any trips on the horizon are more of a “meticulously planned Tulum bachelorette” situation and not “that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas” situation.
This week is all about you, which is great because that’s every Gemini’s low-key favorite topic. The spring energy has had you social butterflying all over the place, but this week try to set aside some time to hang out with your absolute favorite person: yourself. Take a walk, test out a new bath bomb, cook a fancy meal for yourself, or just sit in your cozy-ass bed bingeing Netflix. You deserve to spend time with you, too.
Saturn has you in the mood for some structure and security, which means it’s time for the dreaded “what are we?” talk. And I’m not just talking about your love life. It’s time to apply the “what are we?” philosophy to all aspects of your life. Is your job The One or is it just some f*ckboy who treats you like sh*t? Is your apartment a forever thing or a this-is-comfortable-for-now thing? Don’t be afraid of the answer—breaking a lease is wayyyy easier than breaking an actual person’s heart.
Omfg Leo we get it, you’re having a fitness kick rn. There’s no early morning spin class you can’t attend. No yoga move you will not attempt. At this rate, your summer body (aka your body during the summertime) is going to be the stuff Insta dreams are made of. Just try not to rub it in all the other sign’s faces.
Saturn retrograde means one thing and one thing only for you, Virgo: think before you post. Dose everyone *really* need to see every single thing you’ve eaten this week, a full record of every shot you took Saturday night, and a video of you doing karaoke? Hard pass. Give yourself at least 30 seconds before posting these next five months and remember, there is always the “close friends” option.
When was the last time you called your mom, Libra? Saturn has you feeling seriously family oriented so do your best to ward off homesickness by shooting your favorite family member (or friend that is basically family) a few texts throughout the day. You’ll feel better, and as an added bonus, you’ll be less annoying to the people who are not legally obligated to love you.
Chill on the negative comments, Scorpio! Saturn has you keeping it a little *too* real, both IRL and on social media. We all know Twitter is terrible, so what good does it serve you to get into it with your ex boyfriend’s college roommate’s cousin about why he believes vaccines cause diarrhea or whatever the f*ck his deal is. You’ll literally live longer if you don’t engage.
Saturn has you in the mood to truly assess your finances, so maybe set aside some time on Friday to look at all your debit card receipts for the past week. While it might be painful to actually see how much you’ve been spending on Postmates, you can’t change a habit unless you know what it is. Cut yourself a break and order one last sushi boat before starting your new, budgeted life. You deserve it.
Your time is f*cking valuable, Capricorn, so stop wasting it! Saturn has you taking a biiiiggg look at all the waste in your life, from trash exes to other stupid sh*t that’s been sucking up your time and preventing you from being your best self. As an added bonus, a schedule purge will mean you finally have time to finish that one book you’ve been reading 2011.
You’re basically Cher giving her skis to Pismo Beach disaster victims, because you’re feeling soooo charitable right now. This week put a little good out into this world by donating money or time to a charity. It’s like the old saying goes, “’Tis a far, far, better thing doing stuff for other people.”
Your social media is about to get a makeover! Saturn has you rethinking how you present yourself to the world, and we all know that (unfortunately) starts with your social media profiles. Go back to the beginning and see if there aren’t at least a few things that you might not want visible to potential employers (i.e keg stand photos from college) or just to the general public (like your college eyebrows) and delete, delete, delete.
Images: Giphy (12)
This whole week has low-key felt like a weekend (whether you had Thursday and Friday off or not) but now the actual, real weekend is here. So how you should celebrate the blessed cosmic event that is Friday? Let the stars be your guide. Here are your weekend horoscopes for July 6-8.
Aries, this weekend you’re going to be like, such a good friend. Whereas you would normally table text out of boredom, this weekend when your friend Rachel starts telling you (for the 15th time) the entire story of her on-again off-again sort-of boyfriend, you will listen and give advice. Remember the favors you do this weekend, Aries. You’re going to want to call them in later.
Lucky for your friends, you’re in an advice-giving mood. This weekend, you’re going to be the person to ask about drama, finances, travel, diet tips, etc…Are you actually an expert in any of these topics? No. Are you going to speak confidently on every single one of them as if you majored in them in college? Hell yeah.
Read these words and come to terms with them, Gemini: working weekend. I know it sucks, but this weekend, sacrifice some fun to work on that one project you keep meaning to start, or sending that one email you keep meaning to send. The things you put in motion this weekend could get you your dream job later. Remind yourself of that when you’re scrolling through Insta dying of FOMO.
You’re feeling yourself this weekend, Cancer, so why not use it? Your skin is clear. You’re hydrated. You actually went to the gym. You’re at the top of your game this weekend, so take some risks. Meet new people. Hook up with a hot foreign bro. We all have a hot Irish bartender in our lives, just waiting to be hit on.
You’re in a glass case of emotion this weekend, Leo. You have a lot of feelings. You’re basically Drake. Don’t feel like you need to wallow in sorrow, but set some time aside to give your mom a call and let her
transfer money into your account give you some wisdom.
Believe it or not, you’re actually going to want to make new friends this weekend. Make sure you take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and actually put yourself out there. Ask people questions. Exchange numbers. Be a human.
You’re feeling generous this weekend, Libra, so be ready to buy shots for everyone. And I mean everyone. This weekend, the stars are aligned for you to meet a new person who might be valuable to your future. So yeah, when that random white-haired lady asks to get in on your Jaeger bombs, let her. She’s Miranda Priestly and she wants to give you a job at her magazine.
You want to get into trouble this weekend, Scorpio. But luckily it’s like, the good kind of trouble. The kind of trouble that isn’t really trouble, but def needs to be removed from your Snap story. Do you. Go wild. Just remember to delete all the pics on Sunday.
You’re feeling a bit extra for some reason, Sagittarius, and that’s fine. You’re going to feel the urge to plan brunch with friends. Just be sure to make sure your plan-making doesn’t go overboard. Nobody likes the girl who plans a brunch then turns into Brunchzilla when one person is running late.
You’re feeling social this weekend, Capricorn! Take advantage of it. Go to that giant Biergarten or hit up that outdoor activity you wouldn’t have dreamed of going to last weekend. Even if it is boring, you’ll at least get in your 10,000 steps.
Big opportunities await you this weekend, Aquarius. You just have to leave the house. Put the joint/wine/Netflix down and spend some time in the Sun. If you do, you’ll be rewarded by a new relationship that will have a big impact on your future. If it helps, make a to-do list and work through that. You’re bound to have a breakthrough along the way.
This is the weekend to lock down your summer fling, Pisces. All of your romantic stars are aligned. You look good. You’re charming af. You’re not carrying any weird water weight. Go out there and flirt, and don’t be surprised if you rack up some “U Up?” texts by Sunday.
Images: Giphy (6)
Picking something to watch on Netflix is one of life’s greatest challenges. While we’ll probably never know if that’s due to the fact that Netflix is filled with a bunch of really great options, or we’re all just paying $8 a month to scroll through hundreds of shitty movies and television shows only to watch Parks and Rec for the millionth time, it is true that the streaming service does have at least one thing for everyone. To make your life so much easier, here’s which Netflix documentary you should watch based on your zodiac sign. I’ve even included a trailer for each one, so if you get halfway through and decide it’s a total waste of your time, you can’t blame me. I’m not, like, a scientist or whatever, but I’m pretty good at pretending to know a lot about people depending on their signs, so here you go.
Aries – ‘Minimalism: A Documentary About The Important Things’
Aries are super organized, competitive leaders who probably don’t want to waste a lot of time watching Netflix because they have other shit to do. If they’re going to spend precious time watching a Netflix documentary, it better be motivational. Watch Minimalism and get inspired to throw out all of your stuff.
Taurus – ‘Blackfish’
Tbh, Taurus is the worst sign to give a Netflix documentary recommendation to, because they’re super stubborn and hate change. They probably only pay for Netflix to keep rewatching The Office. Stick to something you’ve probably already seen before, like Blackfish. Everyone has seen Blackfish.
Gemini – ‘Icarus’
Geminis can literally never STFU because they’re super curious and always want to chat about whatever book they’re reading or podcast they’re listening to. Watch a documentary that’s currently really popular and relevant, so you can fall into a blackhole on Reddit or chime into some random Twitter convo about it. Icarus, the documentary about the Russian Olympic doping scandal, is totally a perfect fit.
Cancer – ‘Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two’
Lady Gaga: Five Foot Two is a raw, emotional look at Lady Gaga’s most vulnerable and personal moments. As a sign that’s really emotional and sympathetic, Cancers will eat this shit up. Like, you’ll probably be tearing up halfway through this trailer.
Leo – ‘Jim & Andy: The Great Beyond’
Jim Carrey isn’t a Leo, but you’d prob assume he is after watching Jim & Andy, the documentary about the time he went totally nuts when playing comedian Andy Kaufman in the Man on the Moon biopic. I mean, he’s obv warm-hearted and hilarious, but taking a role so seriously to the point where he basically drives everyone around him insane, then realizing that the whole thing was nuts and a documentary needs to be made out of it, is a total Leo move. Leos will love this documentary almost as much as they love themselves.
Virgo – ‘Food, Inc.’
Virgos are total health freaks, so it’s probably important for them to see Food, Inc. Or like, a really bad idea for them to see it, because then they’ll start worrying about everything they eat and obsessively reading nutrition labels more than they already do. Eh. Whatever.
Libra – ’13TH’
13TH is a documentary that investigates how seriously fucked up the United States prison boom is. Prob important watching for every single one of the 12 zodiac signs, but justice-seeking Libras will be really into it.
Scorpio – ‘Seeing Allred’
Scorpios have no fucking chill, just like women’s rights attorney Gloria Allred. Gloria is a passionate badass who has been fighting for women and minorities forever. She’s one of the HBICs in the #MeToo movement, but she’s been the shit for decades. Like, she represented Nicole Brown against OJ. She’s def the human embodiment of every Scorpio trait, so maybe you guys will be inspired to put that intensity somewhere useful after watching Seeing Allred.
Sagittarius – ‘Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution’
Sagittarius is the zodiac sign most likely to have the word “wanderlust” somewhere in an Instagram bio, and is known for being curious, loving freedom, and hating stage-five clingers. Obviously, Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution is a must-watch. It’s a documentary that basically explores our generation’s attitude towards spring break hookup culture and everything that goes along with it, but it serves as a cautionary tale too. Like, enter a twerking contest in Mexico if that’s what your heart desires, Sagittarius, but remember that you’re also allowed to say no if it skeeves you out.
Capricorn – ‘Banking on Bitcoin’
Capricorns are kind of hardos when it comes to being productive, because they actually enjoy getting shit done. Can’t relate. But anyway, they’re also a pretty traditional sign, so learning about what Bitcoin actually is might be pretty interesting for a Capricorn, considering it’s such a brand new thing.
Aquarius – ‘Casting JonBenet’
Aquarians are weird as shit and love to get sucked into conspiracy theories, so Casting JonBenet is obviously the perfect documentary for them. I mean, really anything that could potentially introduce an Aquarius to new conspiracy theories is ideal, but Casting JonBenet really takes the cake because it’s a bizarre cross between a drama and a documentary, and it’s a case that will probably never be solved.
Pisces – ‘Manolo: The Boy Who Made Shoes For Lizards’
Pisces are super creative and gentle, so they’ll probably effing love the idea of a baby Manolo Blahnik crafting shoes for lizards, even if every other sign would roll their eyes at it. Also, Rihanna makes an appearance in this, so like, just watch it.