Welcome to Aquarius season, aka the mini age of Aquarius. This air sign is known for bringing people together, big picture ideas, and general rebellion, so bust out the metal straws, biodegradable bento boxes, and zero-waste grocery bags. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself taking to the streets over whatever cause is important to you, or, at the very least, posting some extremely long Instagram captions about the 2020 election. Basically, Aquarius season makes us all Cher at the end of Clueless donating her ski equipment to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief Fund. Every little bit counts!
Aquarius season 2020 will be opening up your sense of what’s possible, Aries, meaning it’s time to upgrade your situation. Still using a phone with a cracked screen? Still holding on to that one random pair of underwear from 2005? It’s time to let it all go. This Aquarius season, you’re leveling the f*ck up in all aspects of your life, and nobody has ever leveled up in old underwear. It’s just a fact.
Aquarius season is reinvigorating your drive and ambition, so don’t give up on those 2020 goals just yet. This is a time to work on the big picture and make your plan of attack, so say yes to vision boards, outlines, timelines, and drafts. Get yourself prepared as f*ck, so that when the right moment arrives you can hop on it, knowing that it is step one of your plan to achieve complete world domination by 2021.
Aquarius is making you feel like the world is your oyster, and we literally mean the whole world. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself scrolling through travel hashtags this week or trying to convince yourself to open another credit card for the travel miles. If splurging on a last minute trip is available to you, God bless, and I’d love to hang out sometime. If it’s not, try exploring some unknown parts of your own area, like a new bar or one of those fancy movie theaters that serves dinner and lets you get drunk during the movie.
Aquarius season is increasing your passion for basically everything, but especially for your romantic relationships. You want romance, you want drama, you want sloppy makeouts in a semi public location. Basically, you want to be on The Bachelor. But since this season is already airing, it’s time to go out and meet some people. Luckily, there’s an app for that. Actually, there’s like 500 apps for that.
Aquarius is igniting your need to couple up, but not only in romance. Everywhere you go, you’re going to be forming dynamic duos, whether that be by tag-teaming an awesome project at work or by taking on a duet at karaoke night. The Aquarius influence has you wanting to connect with your fellow man, or should I say, your fellow drunk girl at the bar who is contemplating ordering cheese fries.
Great news, Virgo! Aquarius is bringing you the energy you need to actually hit your fitness goals. Yes, even the ones you gave up on January 2nd. Because Aquarius is all about doing sh*t in groups, you’ll find yourself way more motivated by group fitness classes than by solo YouTube workouts at home. Sign up for the two-week intro deal at some studios, or better yet, ask a friend if you can tag along on one of her buddy passes and get in for free.
Aquarius is boosting the f*ck out of your confidence. Why not use it to make a love match with somebody you actually like, and not just somebody who is tall and available on weekends? Your magnetic energy will literally draw people to you, meaning you’ll have more luck meeting potential suitors IRL than on the apps. As an added bonus, you’ll get way less dick pics that way.
Close down the blinds, fire up the crock pot, and put your phone on do not disturb, Scorpio, because Aquarius has you hibernating all f*cking month. The world is deeply jealous. Under Aquarius’ influence, you’ll be feeling the need to connect with your home and domestic life, but that doesn’t mean you have to just sit around doing nothing. Paint a wall, build a shelf, Marie Kondo the f*ck out of your bedroom— anything that will work as a reasonable excuse when your friends ask you to leave the house.
This Aquarius season, you’re in the mood to go out and do sh*t, despite the fact that its cold and Netflix has like 10 good true crime docs out right now. Whether they be group outings or solo outings, day drinking or night drinking, you need to get the f*ck out of the house and away from the TV. Save the TV shows for when you’re hungover on Sunday.
RIP your season, Capricorn. All good things must come to an end. Did you go a little splurge crazy during your birthday month? If so, you’re in luck because Aquarius is bringing you the financial discipline you need to dig yourself out of whatever credit hole you’ve gotten yourself in. You can probably start by cooling it on the Seamless.
Welcome to your season, Aquarius! Everyone’s acting a bit more like you this month and thank the good Lord for it. This is the month to focus on yourself and your needs, which can be tough for a sign that prefers to focus on literally everything else. For one glorious month, all the other signs are finally able to join you in seeing the big picture, meaning you won’t have to spend so much time explaining sh*t. Enjoy every last minute of it before its Pisces season and you’re back to explaining everything to everyone.
Bust out the beret, Pisces! Your already creative sign is getting an extra dose of inspiration this month thanks to Aquarius, meaning you’re going to be your most artsy-fartsy self. Focus on things that feed your creative spirit this month like art projects, writing, dance, or just coming up with new excuses for why you won’t be coming into the office today.
Images: Giphy (6)
Yes, Mercury is still in retrograde and yes, that is a valid excuse for calling out of work, but fear not! This week brings us a quarter moon in Aquarius and some much needed stabilizing energy for this topsy-turvy retrograde world. Now is the perfect time to restore some much-needed balance to your life, even if you’re one of those people who hears the word “stable” and is like, “What? Who is that? Is stable a carb?” Looking at you, Scorpios.
How well do you play with others, Aries? You know what, don’t even answer that. This week is the perfect time to reassess how you work in groups. Sure, group projects are annoying as f*ck (What is this? Middle school?), but they’re also an essential part of life. Focus this week on really listening when you’re in a group setting, and actually taking other people’s ideas into account. Sure, 99.9% of the sh*t Karen from Accounting says is useless garbage, but that other .1% could be exactly what you needed to take your next project across the finish line.
How are those career goals, Taurus? Have they changed? Is there some sh*t you can let go? As this year comes to a close, now is a perfect time to take a look at your goals and see what, if anything, needs adjustment. Maybe a promotion you’ve been vying for all year has lost some of its shine, or a graduate program you’ve been busting your ass to prep for is no longer top of mind. That’s totally fine! Goals and priorities shift all the time. Like how when you were six you wanted to be a princess/fashion designer, but now you’ve seen enough movies to know that life would be extremely stressful.
This week, Gemini, you’re tap water—aka, completely unfiltered. And with Mercury already in retrograde, this can be a pretty dangerous combo. Your usual gift for gab combined with this outspokenness means you could be in danger of putting your foot in your mouth in the worst way. Keep an extra close eye on your communications this week (aka make sure you’re not sending that shady text about Ashley to Ashley) and if all else fails, vent your feelings in the group chat. It’s the best way to avoid accidentally-on-purpose insulting your coworker’s child’s art while they’re standing right behind you.
Ow owwww, Cancer! This week, the Moon’s erotic energy is coming (get it?) for you, and you don’t want to let that sh*t go to waste. Turn the lights down low, invest in a high-end water-based lubricant, and be sure your roommates are all up to speed on what a sock around your bedroom doorknob means. Most importantly, whether you’re with a long-term partner or somebody new, tear down that protective shell so that you can really let loose in the bedroom. Not saying you need to become a porn star overnight, but variety is the spice of life and this is the week to get spicy!
Keep your guard up, Leo. This week, scammers abound and you might find out that someone close to you is trying to take you for a ride. And not the fun kind with weed. Your naturally people-pleasing sign loves to be liked, but make sure those around you aren’t using that quality to manipulate you into doing some sh*t you don’t want to do. Like, do we really believe Rachel forgot her wallet and needs you to cover her for happy hour again? Oh, and her promise to Venmo you for it later? Fat f*cking chance.
Your health-conscious tendencies are turned up to 11 this week, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself pulled toward starting a plant-based diet, or at least trying an impossible burger. This is the time to finish up all those annual doctor’s appointments, stock up on nourishing comfort foods, and to actually get that flu shot! Herd immunity…it’s all the rage these days! Or at least, it should be.
Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Libra, and for once changes in your love life are going to be for the better. Now is not the time to settle for a guy just because he is tall or has a (part-time) job. Now is the time to hone in on what you really want in a partner (a bedframe, a savings account, owns a hairbrush, etc…) and you might be surprised to find someone who fits that description standing right in front of you! Or on Ship. Either works.
Is this the 1950s? Because you’re feeling domestic as f*ck this week, Scorpio. If you haven’t taken the time to pull your sweaters out of storage, crank the thermostat, and otherwise fall-ify your living space, now is the time. This is also a great week to fire up the old slow cooker and commit yourself to seven hours of watching chili become chili. Bonus points if you pair that with a large bottle of wine you finish 100% by yourself.
Take a good hard look at your friend group, Sagittarius. Who is real, and who is fake? Just as the trees are shedding those annoying, crusty leaves, you need to shed those annoying, crusty people who are draining your beautiful branches. As hard as it might seem, you know in your heart which friends are only there for your iPhone 11 camera, and which friends would help you commit low-level crimes without asking too many questions. Keep the real ones close, and let the fake friends live their sad-ass one-camera life without you.
And now for one of Capricorns’ favorite activities…financial planning! The Moon is providing the stabilizing force you need to really get your finances on track, and lucky for you, you live for that sh*t. Take a look not only at your budget, but at your salary. How can you take your checking account to the next level? Are you being paid what you deserve? What are “stocks”? Answer these questions by 2020, and you could be Forbes’ next self-made billionaire by 2021. Kylie Jenner, we’re coming for you!
Set your phone to do not disturb now, Aquarius, because you’re going to be inundated with requests to hang this week. You’re just that popular. But lucky for you, a stable Moon in your sign means you’re also going to be able to determine which invites are worth your time, and which get left on read. Sure, planning a different event for every night of the week sounds fun on Monday morning, but come Thursday you’ll be running on fumes, and its not even the weekend yet. Remember Aquarius, sleep is important. Like, vital.
Pay close attention to your emotions this week, Pisces, because they’re going to tell you something. Your usually good intuition is particularly on-point right now, so the vibes you get from different people, places, and situations should not be ignored. Dude at the bar giving you serious creeper vibes? Stay the f*ck away. New girl at work looking like she might Single White Female you? Do not let her know where you live. You’ll thank yourself later when either or both of them end up the subject of the next Netflix true crime docuseries.
Images: Giphy (12)
As we all know, horoscopes can help us chill out while learning more about ourselves and our personalities, and the same can be said for cannabis. We all know someone who uses cannabis to aid in self-reflection and emotional exploration (or maybe that someone is you), so it’s no surprise that mixing astrology with weed can lead to some powerful moments of self discovery. Whether you are a routine-obsessed Taurus or an all-over-the-place Gemini, we paired up with Orchid Essentials, a company known for its award-winning handcrafted vapes, to match one dank af cannabis strain to each zodiac sign so you can experience a perfect harmony between the strains and the stars.
You like having fun with friends, being social, and have zero tolerance for dull or boring situations. The cannabis strain for you is Granddaddy Purple. (Or “Grandaddy Purp” as the kids say.) Granddaddy Purple is a classic #TBT strain. GDP offers an effect that is sure to help you fall asleep (for once) while also helping you laugh and enjoy even the most boring of situations. This strain will leave you feeling calm with a body high well-suited for binge-watching on the couch, lounging around, or just to enjoy at the end of a stressful week.
It’s no secret that Pisces love to sleep, enjoy spending quality time alone, and are amongst the most chill of the zodiac signs. Basically, Pisces and cannabis are a match made in heaven. The cannabis strain for you is Bubba Kush. Packed with heavy sedative effects, Bubba Kush comes on slowly but will leave you ready for your favorite thing: lounging around your house until it’s time for bed. This strain will leave you feeling both calm and euphoric, so you can enjoy the chill vibes that already come naturally to you.
You’re confident, enthusiastic, dislike inactivity, and can get easily stressed. (For example: reading such an accurate description of yourself just totally stressed you out.) The cannabis strain for you is Dutch Treat. Dutch Treat is a calming strain that is relaxing while mentally uplifting. People annoying you at work? This strain’s relaxing body high will provide you with just the right mellow when you need it most, putting your mind at ease and leaving you feeling calm, cool, and collected.
The Earth sign, Taurus’ are more concerned with what is real, making you one of the most productive and creative out of all the signs. You enjoy working with your hands and are super reliable, practical, and focused. The cannabis strain for you is the earthy delight, Sour Diesel. Sour Diesel is a classic, just like you, that will leave you feeling energetic, focused, and happy. The perfect combo for you to actually turn that creativity into something.
Gemini is represented by twins, and those that fall under this sign are known for their dual nature (which is just a nice way of saying multiple personalities). You can be chatty and social or dreamy and calm. So, naturally, we have two strains to fit either of your moods. With an earthy, lemony flavor, Trainwreck provides a heavy-hitting head high to uplift you and enhance your outgoing side. This is nice for hanging with friends or making new ones, especially when all you want to do is chat or have that heart-to-heart. Alternatively, if you’re not in social butterfly mode, Tahoe OG produces an intense body high, leaving you fully relaxed and firmly anchored to the couch in some cases. Good for those nights in.
You love art, are highly imaginative, and never say no to a good meal with friends. The cannabis strain for you is Orchid Essentials’ berry-licious Blackberry Kush. A potent strain that offers a v comfy body high that’ll want to grab a snack and curl up for your next movie night.
You’re the cheerful extrovert who loves nothing more than hanging out with your squad, so you need a cannabis strain that can come with you to all your social engagements. The strain for you is Super Silver Haze, the indica lover’s favorite sativa. This great daytime strain will leave your head focused, body relaxed, and in a state to battle the challenges ahead with confidence. It might even turn you into that person who loves everyone so much because you become best friends with everyone at a party! Oh wait, you’re already that person…
You’re loyal, kind, hard-working, and practical, however, you can sometimes feel a little bit anxious. (Don’t we all?) The cannabis strain for you is Strawberry Cough. A sweet companion when you need to get things done without losing your sh*t. Its slight body high will leave you clear-headed with enhanced focus and concentration, melting those worries away.
You’re social, balanced, and fair-minded. You know how to handle yourself at a party, but the ideal night for you is laughing with a few friends as opposed to a full-blown rager. The cannabis strain for you is Girl Scout Cookies. It is sure to leave you with a grin from ear-to-ear, making anything the day may bring that much more exciting. This strain is great for fun nights in with friends, leaving you feeling euphoric and full of laughter.
Your intense passion and general extra-ness may leave you needing to turn it down a notch sometimes and find your zen. The cannabis strain for you is Bubblegum Kush. This strain has a yummy, bubblegum-tasting profile that is known to deliver heavy and tranquilizing effects, leaving you giggly and ready for a good night’s rest. Bubblegum Kush is ideal for a chill night contemplating all of life’s big questions, or for just chilling on the couch and contemplating where you think this season of Big Little Lies is going.
You’re the optimistic and creative one who has a great sense of humor and loves being outdoors. The cannabis strain for you is Jack Herer. The strain for getting sh*t done, this one constantly makes the “Favorite Strains” lists. People love this! It creates a head-focused yet mellow experience to enhance creativity. Perfect for those who like hiking and exercising. The hyper-focused, happy nature of the strain will help you enjoy your outdoor time without checking your phone every five seconds.
You’re disciplined and responsible. You might not always be the life of the party, but that’s just because you don’t see a practical reason for doing so. (Who wants to be in that many Insta Stories? It only ends in embarrassment…) The cannabis strain for you is Blue Dream. We know you love a good recommendation and/or Yelp review, so you’ll be happy to hear this is one of the best-selling strains of all time. The effects will leave you calm and focused, prepared for any activities that lie ahead. So, if you feel like mixing your love for cannabis and astrology sit back, relax, strike one up, and enter your own perfect, euphoric state of mind.
Images: Orchid Essentials (5), Giphy (1)
I hate that millennials get so much shit for blowing all their money on avocado toast and matcha tea. Why doesn’t anyone recognize that all we care about is blaming all our horrible qualities on astrology, ditching plans, and watching conspiracy theory videos? It’s honestly kind of rude. Anyway, I’ve done us all a favor and have created a guide to which conspiracy theory you’ll be obsessed with based on your zodiac sign. You’re welcome.
Aries – Jonestown
Aries are natural born leaders and love organization, so they’ll eat up anything about cults just like they’d dive into a sale at the Container Store. A pretty good cult conspiracy to get sucked into is Jonestown. If you’ve consumed like, any kind of true crime anything, you’ve probably heard of it, but if you haven’t, here’s the gist. Jim Jones (no, not the rapper), started a cult called The Peoples Temple, and convinced 900 people to drink Flavor Aid (similar to Kool-Aid but not Kool-Aid, common misconception) laced with cyanide for a mass suicide. The conspiracy is that it was actually a mass murder and that the whole thing might have been connected to MK-Ultra, the government’s mind control program. Like I said, every respectable true crime thing has a Jonestown episode, but the Conspiracy Theories podcast from Parcast has a pretty solid two-part special on it.
Taurus – The Mandela Effect
Taurus is the most stubborn sign of the zodiac, so the theory behind The Mandela Effect is something you guys probably already believe to be fact in your daily lives. It’s based on the fact that some people legitimately think Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 80s when he actually totally became the president of South Africa and didn’t die until 2013. In the most Taurus shit in all eternity, people think that this means that there are actually parallel universes, and there is a universe where Nelson Mandela really did die in the 80s. This is probably less of a conspiracy theory and more of an elaborate scam created by a Taurus to win an argument. Anyway, here’s a video that explains the whole concept to kickstart your internet rabbit hole. It has the cutest fucking dog in the world in it.
Gemini – Lindsay Lohan’s Murdered Twin
Geminis are the twins of the zodiac, so I’m going to get really lazy here and toss you guys this thrown-together twin conspiracy theory. Have you heard of the theory that Lindsay Lohan actually did have a twin? But Disney murdered here because she was a shitty actress and it was cheaper to just pay Lindsay than to pay them both? I’m pretty sure this was just started by some Twitter user who was bored one day and is now suspended, but here’s a low quality video to get you thinking. I mean, what’s more believable? The fact that Disney killed off a child star, or that a movie in the 90s had a high enough production value and LiLo is a good enough actress to have played twins? Actually, I’m going to prove this wrong by assuming that Dina Lohan would have sold the story to E! by now.
Cancer – Kurt Cobain Was Murdered
Cancers are sentimental, emotional, and family-oriented, so what better conspiracy to tug on your heartstrings than the never-ending saga of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love? Kurt Cobain died by suicide in 1994, but headlines surrounding conspiracy theories tied to his death have been making headlines as recently as this month. Courtney and her daughter, Frances Bean, are involved in a lawsuit involving Frances’s ex-husband and like, nine different conspiracy theories. If that wasn’t enough, a conspiracy theorist failed to get the city of Seattle to release the crime scene photos from Kurt’s death last month. There are tons of documentaries about this, but if you feel like really splurging, you can pay $4 to watch “Soaked in Bleach” on Amazon Prime.
Leo – Kanye West Is David Bowie’s Chosen Successor
Kanye West is technically a Gemini, but he’s almost as obsessed with himself as Leos are. Leos are known for loving attention and feeling like they’re destined for the limelight, and no conspiracy speaks to that more than the theory that David Bowie predicted that Kanye West would be destined to become a chosen musical prodigy, or whatever. This is basically a Leo dream.
Virgo – The Sugar Conspiracy
Okay, so, you know how it’s common knowledge that the tobacco industry fucked with research to make it seem like cigarettes weren’t that bad? Well, this conspiracy claims that the sugar industry has been doing the same thing since the 70s. You vegans… I mean, Virgos, probably already know about this one, but if you don’t, you should give this documentary a watch. It claims that the sugar industry is trying to hide that it is the main villain behind heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.
Libra – Crack Cocaine Conspiracy
Libra is a sign represented by the scales, so balance, fairness, and equality are important to you betches. You should totally watch Kill the Messenger. It’s based on the true story of journalist Gary Webb, who was investigating the crack cocaine epidemic in the 90s and was basically like “oh shit, I just uncovered a massive government conspiracy theory.” He reported that the CIA was facilitating crack being smuggled into America. It’s super complicated, and the movie clears it up, but in short it’s kind of like how Kris calls the paps before her kids go out to lunch so they know to take pictures of them.
Scorpio – The NXIVM Sex Cult
Scorpio is a fixed sign that’s driven by leadership. Scorpios are also low-key pretty shady and love to be in control of everything. I’m going to say it’s safe to assume that if you’re a Scorpio, the alleged sex cult that started as a pyramid scheme may be at least mildly interesting to you. NXIVM is allegedly an insane sex cult that brainwashed people through seminars that were marketed as empowering. There are tons of conspiracies linked to this, so if you’re looking to really dive into the depths of the internet (because you’re an obsessive Scorpio), you’ll eat this shit up. I mean, there’s even an alleged connection to Stormy Daniels. It has everything.
Sagittarius – The Earth is Flat
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; Sagittarius is the travel blogger of the zodiac. I’m not going to dignify the conspiracy theory that the Earth is flat with any kind of explanation or links to insane YouTube videos or podcasts. However, I will tell you that if you want to learn more, Tila Tequila’s Twitter account is probably a good place to start. Oh, wait. That’s suspended, because she’s insane. You could try Lincoln from The Bachelorette. Anyway, I’m not saying Sagittarians would actually believe that the Earth is flat, but I am suggesting that you guys would be really into this conspiracy and use it as an excuse to start some travel Instagram. Sagittarians are known to welcome very philosophical thinking, so y’all would definitely consider it to try to scam some poor boutique hotel in Australia out of a free stay.
Capricorn – Everything is a Scam
As a Capricorn, you’re pessimistic and practical AF. You probably wouldn’t want to waste a whole lot of time reading conspiracy theories, anyway, so you might as well learn about some shit that might actually be real. You should definitely watch the series Underworld, Inc. on Netflix. It basically attempts to reveal that everything in the entire world, like Las Vegas for example, is a scam.
Aquarius – Heaven’s Gate
Aquarians are weird as hell and practically the conspiracy theorists of the zodiac. You water bearers would probably be into any conspiracy on this list, but the Heaven’s Gate cult that orchestrated a mass suicide in 1997 will check every unusual interest off your list. It has aliens. It has UFO-based religious groups. It’s like, a one-stop shop for everything you could ever need. There’s a podcast called Heaven’s Gate on Spotify (or wherever you like to listen to your podcasts, I don’t know your life) that you like, need to listen to immediately.
Pisces – Mona Lisa Conspiracy Theories
Pisces are definitely some of the most artistic people, so you should prob read up on all of the conspiracy theories linked to one of the most famous pieces of art of all time, the Mona Lisa. This thing is ancient AF, so people have been making up shit about it since the beginning of time. Some theories make more sense than others, like the conspiracy that the painting was stolen to create forgeries. The rest are just probably good to get into while you’re stoned, like the idea that it’s proof that aliens are real.
We’re just under a month away from an Album of the Year drop by the Artist Formerly Known as Taylor Swift, or maybe she’s still Taylor Swift? IDK, that whole “Why? Because she’s dead” thing still has me super confused. Anyway, in honor of the upcoming release of Reputation, let’s take a little gander back through the T-Swift music video catalog and tell you what video speaks to your soul based on your zodiac sign. Get out your fake nerd-glasses and spiral ringlets, betches.
Aries: “Bad Blood”
As an Aries, you’re adventurous and energetic. Since Aries is the first sign in the zodiac, they usually see themselves in leadership roles, not unlike Taylor in the “Bad Blood” video as she wrangles her Army of Skanks—I mean, battalion of models to fight the evil Selena Gomez. The Aries betch loves a good challenge, you know, like being able to stand next to Karlie Kloss, Cindy Crawford, and Zendaya without developing an eating disorder. Also, Aries is a fire sign. Like, duh, “Bad Blood” has the most literal fire out of all the T-Swizzle videos.
Taurus: “Wildest Dreams”
The Taurus betch has been known to be a bit of a self-indulgent pleasure-seeker. Sounds a little bit like the raven-haired actress Swift plays in the video, right? Likewise, Tauruses (Tauri?) are known for their stubbornness and jealousy. Like, yeah, I would be a little jealous too if I hooked up with Scott Eastwood in the middle of Africa, and then he went back to his dumb wife. As an Earth sign, it makes sense for the Taurus to be matched up with “Wildest Dreams.” The video features like, a lot of nature, even if Tay Tay is standing in the middle of it in a ball gown with a bunch of diamonds.
Gemini: “You Belong With Me”
I feel like this was the video that made SO many people into Swifties. Like, it was one of her first big departures from her former Country Cutie persona as she forayed into Pop Star status. Anyway, Geminis are known for their dual personalities. You know, like how Taylor plays herself (a glasses-wearing, sexually active band geek) and a mean girl (a brunette version of Taylor Swift as we know her now). Geminis love to talk, but they are also great listeners—qualities perfect for a peeping-tom type who communicates with her hot neighbor through a series of sad, handwritten notes.
Cancer: “Love Story”
In this video, Taylor plays a Juliet/Renaissance Fair version of herself who falls in love with a swoopy-haired guy definitely circa 2008. Nice. Cancers can be moody and have been known to sulk, possibly in a castle after daddy says you can’t date that hot older Romeo type. Cancers can be emotional, imaginative and clingy, often getting lost in their own personal fairy tales—you know, like if you were to daydream that you and a random campus hottie were so in love you killed yourselves. Yeah, that only happens in the play and not the video, but still.
Leo: “Look What You Made Me Do”
Often known for their ferocity, Leos can also be super pompous and patronizing. You know, like if one was to, say, dress up like their archnemesis and metaphorically get in a major car accident. You know, just something silly and light like that. Leos are used to being given the royal treatment, so it’s understandable that you’d relate to Taylor sitting in a bathtub full of diamonds or on a throne of snakes. Likewise, you’re always reaching for the top, even if the top is that of a pile of your former personas.
Virgo: “White Horse”
It makes total sense that in honor of the Virgo betch, we’d go back to a more virginal, innocent Taylor like in the “White Horse” video. Sidenote, this video stars Laguna Beach‘s Stephen Colletti as the love interest. Um, okay. Anyway, Virgos are known for being one of the more subdued signs. In this video we see a more casual and low-key Tay. The video’s storyline and sad, heartbroken Taylor should appeal to their more tender and emotional side, even if that emotional side hasn’t matured past that of a 17-year-old.
Libra: “The Story of Us”
Partnership is important to the Libra betch, so it only makes sense that you’d relate to how Taylor is pining for the relationship she once had with a nerdy hot guy in this video. Libras are not into conflict, so the fact that it’s totes awkward between Taylor’s character and a guy she probs hooked up with for a couple months during freshman year but now doesn’t really talk to kind of speaks to your soul. Like, you feel for her in this, because you really seek that conflict resolution. Sure, the video ends with the two just shrugging and walking away, but at least you get a hot library makeout scene mid-vid.
Scorpio: “Blank Space”
Damn, Scorpio, you crazy. Kind of like how fucking batshit Taylor goes in this very literal interpretation of her song “Blank Space.” Scorpios can be very jealous and often get violent when they’re enraged, like how Taylor stabs a weird blood cake and also slices up her lover’s dress shirt into having Regina George nipple cutouts. Also, I think my bf legit cringed when she took the golf club to that car. Anyway, Scorpios generally seek a grand passion, totally relatable to the passion between characters in the video. I mean, instead of breaking up with her, the guy just buys a new car. That’s true love.
Sagittarius: “I Knew You Were Trouble”
Sagittarius are known for being idealistic like Taylor in this video, always looking for the best in her dumpster fire of a boyfriend… who I think leaves her stranded in the desert/poor man’s Coachella in the end? IDK, it’s hard to tell what really happens here when you’re so distracted by that disaster of a wig. Still, a Sagittarius seeks freedom, travel, and would probs easily be talked into attending an outdoor concert/festival. Like how Taylor shucked her nicegirl appearance to be a bad girl who stays in a shitty motel, a Sagittarius betch doesn’t like being confined by the opinion or expectations of others.
Capricorn: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
A Capricorn can be a bit of a know-it-all; that’s why she’ll relate to the seemingly silly antics of Taylor in the “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” video. Saturn’s control over Capricorn can make these ladies a tad unforgiving—you know, how Taylor has to keep saying “boy bye” to whatever hot male model got recruited to play here ex here. Capricorns like to make plans and execute them perfectly, so they’ll appreciate how Taylor’s band members were prepared to dress like furries and run around probably sweaty AF to make this one-shot video work.
As an Aquarius, friends are one of the most important aspects of your life, so of course your fun-loving and friendly nature is best exemplified by the video for “22.” Though some under the sign are born shy, they’re usually seen as more outgoing because of their energetic and eccentric nature. “Eccentric” like how Taylor attends a house party wearing cat ears. Cat ears! What will this girl think of next? An Aquarius feels best in a group, that’s why it makes sense that we almost never get a solo shot of Tay in the video. She always has at least one member of her girl posse by her side.
Pisces: “Out of The Woods”
A Pisces is known for being a dreamer, relating to the dream-like journey Taylor goes on in the “Out of the Woods” video. As a water sign, it makes sense for Taylor to be facing the elements like snow and water. Wolves probably symbolize something too, but once again, I’m not really sure what’s going on here. Whatever it is, though, it makes sense, because a Pisces is multifaceted and what they say or do will often be interpreted by others in a number of ways. The Pisces betch can often get so lost in their own heads they could totally miss the fact that Tay’s blue dress in the video is the same one she crawls out of the grave in at the beginning of “Look What You Made Me Do.” And I bet you just re-watched the “LWYMMD” video to double-check, didn’t you?
We all know astrology is kind of bullshit. I mean, we’ll buy cute stuff related to our zodiac sign and blame mercury in retrograde for all of life’s problems, but when push comes to shove, we all know that the position of the stars at the time of your birth has nothing to do with the person that you become.
…Or do we?
A new study out of the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology (say that five times fast) suggests that the season in which you were born actually does have an affect on your personality. Wait, so you’re saying all those times my college roommate tried to justify the fact that she blacked out and got a face tattoo (again) by saying that “Scorpios are naturally attracted to transformation,” she might have actually been onto something? Well, not quite. But also like, sure Amanda, whatever makes you feel good about that star above your eyebrow.
In the study, researcher Xenia Gonda asked 366 university students to fill out a questionnaire targeted at “four kinds of temperments they most personify.” She asked them to identify with statements like “My mood often changes for no reason” (yes, especially when watching reality television) and “I love to tackle new projects, even if it’s risky” (does giving Tai a makeover count?) and “I complain a lot” (ugh I hate how people are always asking me questions…) and then correlated their answers to their birthdays. Turns out, Gonda found a legit connection between the season during which you were born and your ability to be a functioning human in society. So next time you see your parents, be sure to mention that their inability to wait until August to bone is the reason that you need such a heavy Adderall prescription. That’ll go over well.
Specifically, Gonda found that people born in the summer had much higher instances of “Cyclothymic Temperment,” meaning they’re more likely to have mood swings, even when they’re not on their period. Both spring and summer babies showed a tendency toward “Hyperthymic temperment” which basically means being excessively positive, so I guess most nice girls were born in the spring. No wonder they’re always wearing so many colors. Disgusting.
People born in the winter were significantly less suceptible to mood swings, which is a pretty good tradeoff for the fact that nobody ever comes to your birthday party because your friends are all cold AF and suffering from seasonal depression. Fall babies, by comparison, “show significantly lower tendency toward depressive temperment than those born in winter.” So next time your friend with a September birthday tells you she’s upset, tell her that’s fucking impossible and switch the convo back to your own winter baby problems.
Jokes aside, this is a pretty huge discovery. If this turns out to be true, next thing you know your cousin who can’t stop talking about how she and her husband are “trying” (Just say “fucking,” Amberly…) will be coordinating her ovulation cycle with the seasons to ensure that she has a non-psycho child. All the more reason to go to your local Planned Parenthood, ladies. Because the only thing worse than having an unwanted child, is having an unwanted child mid-summer so that it ruins your beach bod and the rest of your life because it’s psycho.
But it’s not all bad, summer babies. At least now you have a foolproof, scientific justification for the fact that you ruined beach week because you saw a photo of your ex and some girl on Instagram and drove your car into a sand dune. If you were a winter baby and did that shit, you’d have no excuse.