What Excuse You Should Use To Cancel Plans Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Once upon a time (re: all 2020), the idea of having plans—any plans—seemed like a dream. After spending every second inside, simple errands like going to the grocery store or picking up a prescription became an event. Now that you’re vaxxed and the CDC says leaving your house is like, kinda okay, you’re faced with a dilemma you never thought you’d be in again: canceling plans you have no intention of showing up to. Maybe you wanted to go out but now you’re in your comfy clothes and can’t fathom putting on heels, or perhaps the thought of listening to your friends talk about work sounds like, well, work. Whatever it is, you’re in the market for a “get out of plans” excuse, and luckily, your answer has been written in the stars.

Whether you’re a perpetual bailer (shame) or this is your first time (awww!), your astrological sign already knows how this is going to go down. Whether you tell the truth about wanting to stay home, lie through your teeth, or destroy your friendships to avoid having to say “I don’t want to go to brunch,” your zodiac sign is very telling of how you’ll get out of your commitments. Does that make you less of a piece of sh*t? No. But hey, at least this way it’s not your fault you suck! You can blame it on the universe!

Aries

Doesn’t it blow that you were the one who made these plans? You were the one who literally begged everyone to keep their Friday night open so you could all chug margs and talk sh*t about the Aquarius in your group, and now you’re just kinda not feeling it? Even though you’re basically the leader of your group (duh), it’s kinda exhausting having to be the fun one all the time, right? Luckily for you, you have the easiest excuse to get out of plans in the entire zodiac: You’re the ringleader, and you’re usually the one pulling the strings, so yeah, you deserve to bail. Be honest, upfront, and tell everyone you’re exhausted/sick/not feeling like hanging tonight. They’ll give you sh*t, but you kinda DGAF. Plus, it’s nice to leave the peasants wanting more, right?

Taurus

Whether or not you actually wanted to be a part of these plans when they were made (uh, spoiler: you didn’t), you’re now absolutely not on board. I’m sorry, a club/brunch/shopping? In this humidity? Granted, the fact that you’ve been stressing about canceling for two days is making everything worse, but it doesn’t matter. You absolutely cannot and will not go. Unless, of course, you think everyone will be mad at you. Do you think they’ll be mad at you? They won’t… right? F*ck. Now’s the perfect time to play the “I’m not drinking/on a diet/on a budget” card and avoid any attempts by your friends to create new plans that will fit into your new strict, sober, vegan, spending-zero-cash lifestyle. It’s not your fault, they just don’t understand. *Sigh*

Gemini

Gemini! I truly wasn’t expecting to see you here. Welcome! Have you ever canceled a plan? I mean, I know you think about it. Like, all the time. You literally fantasize about bailing on pretty much everything. But actually doing it? That’s a different story. While you tend to dread events you don’t want to go to, by the time you’re there (and okay, two shots in), you’re the life of the GD party. It’s kind of cute that you think this time will be different, TBH. As much as you want to, you know you’re not doing to ditch—the FOMO is far too real for you. Might as well start heating up your curler, baby. Because you’re going out tonight, whether you like it or not.

Cancer

You honestly can’t decide if you want to go out, and that’s why canceling plans is so tricky for Cancers. On one hand, the thought of getting dressed and getting drunk with your frenemies sounds kind of dreadful. But on the other hand, not doing that also sounds kind of dreadful. So no matter what you do, you’re going to have a mediocre time at best. Yay for overthinking! You’re no stranger to bailing on plans, so why don’t you just do what you always do: blame your cancelation on something petty, like feeling bloated, or the fact that Jessica (who is definitely going to be there because she already posted that she was in the Uber) didn’t like your recent picture, and honestly? Rude. You just aren’t up for that kind of hostility tonight.

Leo

You’re dressed. You’re wearing falsies. You’re already three vodka sodas in. And yet, for some reason, you’re not feeling that usual tingle in your vagina that says “I’m going to have a f*cking blast tonight.” Granted, you’re not one to cancel plans—and you’re the first to give anyone who tries major sh*t—but like, does going out even sound that good? Luckily, since you’re usually the one calling the shots (and buying them), it’s simple to be like, “Sorry guys, I have a headache. Have fun,” and turn off notifications for the rest of the night. Sure, everyone will bad mouth you behind your back, but that’s only because without you, your friends will be buying their own drinks and going home by 10pm. Enjoy your night off, Leo. You earned it.

Virgo

Dreading the drunk plans you made last week that are looming ahead, Virgo? That checks out. Even though you love having people depend on you, you could really do with a night off. The problem is, you were the one who made the reservations. And created the dress code for the evening. Annnnnd sent out the itinerary. You know if you bail, your perfectly envisioned night of bar hopping will turn into your idiot friends going to the same bar they always hit up and drunk crying in the corner. But why is that your fault? You’ve spent so long planning for this night, now that it’s here you’re kind of over it. Either fake a stomach bug or go along with the night, moping on the dance floor when half the people show up sans costume and take a cab home by 11. Either way, you’re in for an obnoxious evening.

Libra

You’re not one to back out of plans. Seriously, you’re not. You hate those people who just like, disappear when they start dating someone new and bible, you’d never do that. And you mean it! And even though you swiped with a 10 while you were getting ready and he asked you out at the same time you were supposed to meet your friends, that doesn’t mean you’re going to bail on your girls just to get laid. Honestly, anyone who does that is THE worst. *Phone buzzes* Awww he said you look beautiful. I mean duh, you do. But that was nice of him to—*phone buzzes.* Oh my God, he’s so funny. Maybe you’ll just see him for a drink like, after? *Phone buzzes.* He has a Tesla? *Phone buzzes* And he’s on his way to see you. Sh*t. Well, your friends will understand, right? I mean, this could be ~the one.~ I know, I know… you said that about the guy with the beard last month, but this time is different.

Scorpio

Aww, Scorpio! This isn’t your first time canceling plans, but it is your first time actually thinking through the decision. More often than not you just pick a fight to get out of something or blatantly ignore what you were supposed to do in an effort to avoid going to coffee with your new internet friend. So, the fact that you’re even thinking through this decision is like, very big of you. Congrats! I mean, you probably already canceled your plans by saying something like “hungover,” “feeling ugly,” or “I hate you,” but still. Good on you for thinking of others!

Sagittarius

How does a Sag cancel plans? They just don’t commit in the first place! You’re not a piece of sh*t on purpose, but what do people expect? You to just agree to go to something when you don’t know how you’ll feel, if you’ll want to go, or if something better will come along? Pshhh, as if. While you’re not one to commit to anything, if you do RSVP yes and change your mind last-minute (which you will, obviously), you’ll just pretend your phone broke, your car wouldn’t start, or you suddenly came down with a serious case of sobriety. Next time, just remember: If you never agree to anything, you’ll never have to lie your way out of it.

Capricorn

Your friends know you to be the definition of driven, which is why you have the perfect excuse to get out of plans: Goal chasing, baby. Since you’re already the one in your group who got a promotion, snagged a #SponCon, discovered an ab, and got verified on social, it’s not surprising if you blow off a happy hour to “get some work done.” Whether you say you got called into the office, received a last-minute assignment, or have a meeting you just have to take with a *top secret* marketing firm, no one will think twice when you bail for the sake of your own success (even though it’s only because they all want to mooch off you). That fact that you’ll ~actually~ be at home, smoking weed and masturbating to Bridgerton can stay between you and me.

Aquarius

As one of the Queens of Canceling on Plans, you’ve got bailing down to an art form. You don’t need me to tell you how to do it, because honestly? You’re basically a pro. From claiming a family emergency and tagging yourself at a hospital to saying you have a last-minute work project and staying logged into Slack all day, you’re no stranger to creating excuses to get out of sh*t. So, put your feet up, let everyone know your cat is sick, and enjoy a night off with Netflix and not wearing heels. Your friends probably don’t even know you’re allergic to cats anyway, let alone that you don’t have one.

Pisces

If there’s one sign that has a hard time following through with bailing on plans, it’s Pisces. No matter how many times you say you just want to stay home, you don’t want to spend money, or you have work in the morning, no one really cares—they’ll all just yell at you until you order an Uber for the entire group. While sure, you could just like, try to say no, will you actually stick with it, or will you find yourself at a club at 2am nursing a watered-down vodka and trying not to think about the fact that you have to wake up in four hours? The only way for you to successfully get out of sh*t is to color your hair, fake your own death, and flee to another country. That way, you’ll get at least a few years before another plan comes along, and you’ll start the cycle all over again. But it’s that or standing your ground and honestly, running away just sounds easier.

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Welcome To Your Quarter-Moon Crisis: Weekly Horoscopes November 4-8

Yes, Mercury is still in retrograde and yes, that is a valid excuse for calling out of work, but fear not! This week brings us a quarter moon in Aquarius and some much needed stabilizing energy for this topsy-turvy retrograde world. Now is the perfect time to restore some much-needed balance to your life, even if you’re one of those people who hears the word “stable” and is like, “What? Who is that? Is stable a carb?” Looking at you, Scorpios.

Aries

How well do you play with others, Aries? You know what, don’t even answer that. This week is the perfect time to reassess how you work in groups. Sure, group projects are annoying as f*ck (What is this? Middle school?), but they’re also an essential part of life. Focus this week on really listening when you’re in a group setting, and actually taking other people’s ideas into account. Sure, 99.9% of the sh*t Karen from Accounting says is useless garbage, but that other .1% could be exactly what you needed to take your next project across the finish line.

Taurus

How are those career goals, Taurus? Have they changed? Is there some sh*t you can let go? As this year comes to a close, now is a perfect time to take a look at your goals and see what, if anything, needs adjustment. Maybe a promotion you’ve been vying for all year has lost some of its shine, or a graduate program you’ve been busting your ass to prep for is no longer top of mind. That’s totally fine! Goals and priorities shift all the time. Like how when you were six you wanted to be a princess/fashion designer, but now you’ve seen enough movies to know that life would be extremely stressful.

Gemini

This week, Gemini, you’re tap water—aka, completely unfiltered. And with Mercury already in retrograde, this can be a pretty dangerous combo. Your usual gift for gab combined with this outspokenness means you could be in danger of putting your foot in your mouth in the worst way. Keep an extra close eye on your communications this week (aka make sure you’re not sending that shady text about Ashley to Ashley) and if all else fails, vent your feelings in the group chat. It’s the best way to avoid accidentally-on-purpose insulting your coworker’s child’s art while they’re standing right behind you.

Cancer

Ow owwww, Cancer! This week, the Moon’s erotic energy is coming (get it?) for you, and you don’t want to let that sh*t go to waste. Turn the lights down low, invest in a high-end water-based lubricant, and be sure your roommates are all up to speed on what a sock around your bedroom doorknob means. Most importantly, whether you’re with a long-term partner or somebody new, tear down that protective shell so that you can really let loose in the bedroom. Not saying you need to become a porn star overnight, but variety is the spice of life and this is the week to get spicy!

Leo

Keep your guard up, Leo. This week, scammers abound and you might find out that someone close to you is trying to take you for a ride. And not the fun kind with weed. Your naturally people-pleasing sign loves to be liked, but make sure those around you aren’t using that quality to manipulate you into doing some sh*t you don’t want to do. Like, do we really believe Rachel forgot her wallet and needs you to cover her for happy hour again? Oh, and her promise to Venmo you for it later? Fat f*cking chance.

Virgo

Your health-conscious tendencies are turned up to 11 this week, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself pulled toward starting a plant-based diet, or at least trying an impossible burger. This is the time to finish up all those annual doctor’s appointments, stock up on nourishing comfort foods, and to actually get that flu shot! Herd immunity…it’s all the rage these days! Or at least, it should be.

Libra

Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Libra, and for once changes in your love life are going to be for the better. Now is not the time to settle for a guy just because he is tall or has a (part-time) job. Now is the time to hone in on what you really want in a partner (a bedframe, a savings account, owns a hairbrush, etc…) and you might be surprised to find someone who fits that description standing right in front of you! Or on Ship. Either works.

Scorpio

Is this the 1950s? Because you’re feeling domestic as f*ck this week, Scorpio. If you haven’t taken the time to pull your sweaters out of storage, crank the thermostat, and otherwise fall-ify your living space, now is the time. This is also a great week to fire up the old slow cooker and commit yourself to seven hours of watching chili become chili. Bonus points if you pair that with a large bottle of wine you finish 100% by yourself.

Sagittarius

Take a good hard look at your friend group, Sagittarius. Who is real, and who is fake? Just as the trees are shedding those annoying, crusty leaves, you need to shed those annoying, crusty people who are draining your beautiful branches. As hard as it might seem, you know in your heart which friends are only there for your iPhone 11 camera, and which friends would help you commit low-level crimes without asking too many questions. Keep the real ones close, and let the fake friends live their sad-ass one-camera life without you.

Capricorn

And now for one of Capricorns’ favorite activities…financial planning! The Moon is providing the stabilizing force you need to really get your finances on track, and lucky for you, you live for that sh*t. Take a look not only at your budget, but at your salary. How can you take your checking account to the next level? Are you being paid what you deserve? What are “stocks”? Answer these questions by 2020, and you could be Forbes’ next self-made billionaire by 2021. Kylie Jenner, we’re coming for you!

Aquarius

Set your phone to do not disturb now, Aquarius, because you’re going to be inundated with requests to hang this week. You’re just that popular. But lucky for you, a stable Moon in your sign means you’re also going to be able to determine which invites are worth your time, and which get left on read. Sure, planning a different event for every night of the week sounds fun on Monday morning, but come Thursday you’ll be running on fumes, and its not even the weekend yet. Remember Aquarius, sleep is important. Like, vital.

Pisces

Pay close attention to your emotions this week, Pisces, because they’re going to tell you something. Your usually good intuition is particularly on-point right now, so the vibes you get from different people, places, and situations should not be ignored. Dude at the bar giving you serious creeper vibes? Stay the f*ck away. New girl at work looking like she might Single White Female you? Do not let her know where you live. You’ll thank yourself later when either or both of them end up the subject of the next Netflix true crime docuseries.

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What Chris Pratt & Katherine Schwarzenegger’s Astrology Means For Their Engagement

I hear wedding bells, betches. Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger are engaged, and well, you’d think Chris would have waited until the ink dried on his divorce papers, but I guess celebrities are not just like us. (I’m kidding! Even Chris’ ex-wife is thrilled about his impending nuptials, which is totally normal and not at all a façade for the media.) Anywho, according to the Daily Mail, the couple decided to tie the knot after just seven months of dating. And I can’t even get guys to admit we’re together after seven months of dating. Cool.

This, of course, leaves me no choice but to analyze Chris Pratt and Katherine Schwarzenegger’s astrological compatibility before they walk down the aisle. BTW, have I mentioned Christopher is 10 years older than his fiancée? (I am such a fan of this age gap!) Anyway, when I first looked at their compatibility, the first thing I thought was, holy sh*t balls! The sexual chemistry between these two is EVERYTHING, and I’ll tell you why.

Katherine Schwarzenegger

For starters, don’t let Schwarzenegger’s salt-of-the-earth vibes fool you. Dare I say, the 29-year-old author is an undercover sex kitten, and a force to be reckoned with. Born with the sun in adventurous Sagittarius, Schwarzenegger is spontaneous, freedom-loving, and a lover of the unknown. To top it off, she was born with Mars (sex drive), Pluto (power), and Lilith (our shadow side) in Scorpio. *Insert shocked emoji here.* FYI: The energy of Scorpio is intensely passionate, deeply emotional, and TOTALLY vengeful—kind of like all your Scorpio friends.

Femme Fatale much? The bride-to-be is a highly passionate woman with a smoldering intensity. On another note, however, her gracious ruling planet Jupiter (luck and expansion) was sitting directly over her moon in sensitive Cancer (emotions and sense of nurture) at her time of birth. I know, WTF does this even mean? Well, for starters, our girl is emotional AF, eerily intuitive, and a true Mommy’s girl. Funny enough, a source told PEOPLE that Maria Shriver (Schwarzenegger’s mother) helped set her up with Pratt. Kudos to Mom.

Chris Pratt

The Guardians of the Galaxy actor was born with his sun (ego) and Venus (seduction style and type of woman he’s attracted to) in the curious sign Gemini, which also happens to be Sagittarius’ complete opposite. However, this is actually a good thing, as both of these zodiac signs complement each other, and work via the same astrological axis. (Chances are, he fusses over the meticulous details, and she focuses on the bigger picture.) Pratt’s sun and Venus are hovering over his eighth house of sex and regeneration, which means transformation is a prominent theme in his life, both personally and in regards to his relationships.

The 39-year-old actor also has a Moon-Mars conjunction in Taurus (which means the moon and Mars were sitting VERY close at his time of birth) in his seventh house of relationships and acquaintances, which tells me he can be ridiculously stubborn, and confrontational when crossed. Put it this way: the moon represents his emotions, and Mars ignites the fire. Meaning, his emotions can be explosive, and fuel rather easily. On a brighter note, Pratt’s sensuality is strong, and he thrives when he can indulge in the pleasures of life alongside his SO.

Are They Compatible?

Now, astrology is infinite, and there’s a whole other level to each of their birth charts. However, one thing’s for sure, and it’s that these two are INTENSE AF, so you can already imagine what happens when you combine both energies, considering that their personalities are innately polarizing and ruthlessly set in their ways. It’s my way or the highway for Pratt and Schwarzenegger, and I highly doubt either of them would ever compromise. (That’s not a good thing.)

Furthermore, and say what you will, but it’s safe to say Pratt is completely infatuated with his bride-to-be. While this is something you typically expect in a serious relationship, there’s a dark side to it as well.

For instance, Schwarzenegger’s Mars (sex drive), Pluto (power), and Lilith (taboo side) are sitting right over Pratt’s Ascendant (sense of self) and Uranus (inner rebel) in smoldering Scorpio. In astrology, Mars ignites the fire, and it’s also Scorpio’s traditional planetary ruler, which means this energy is working at its FULL potential. Meaning, it’s red, hot, and horny AF.

This could bring intense passion, but it could also consist of ego trips and dark manipulation tactics. Also, and not to keep making this about sex (it’s all Christopher’s fault), but Schwarzenegger’s energy sort of sparked a sexual revolution for Pratt, liberating him in an extreme and profound way.

Sadly, we don’t have Schwarzenegger’s time of birth, so I couldn’t tell you their astrological synastry more in-depth. However, I think by now you have a better idea of their vibe as a couple. It’s Fifty Shades of Pratt, all day.

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Are Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Astrologically Compatible?

Am I the only one who can’t seem to process the fact that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are in fact husband and wife? Is this some sort of sick joke? OK, cat’s out of the bag, betches. I am obviously a ride-or-die Jelena fan, and well, some of us are still hoping this wedding falls under the fake news of 2018 bucket. (I can’t be alone here.) However, from the looks of it, the Bieber-Baldwin newlywed PDA is just as real as it is obnoxious. OK, I’m done being a Debbie Downer. Let’s cut to the chase, and talk about the astro compatibility of these two love birds, because believe it or not, it’s a vibe.

For starters, let’s get one thing straight, and it’s that we can’t judge a book by its cover. As you know, Justin Bieber was born under the dreamy sign of Pisces, and Hailey Baldwin has her sun in the sign of the adventurous archer. Right off the bat, we know that these signs aren’t compatible, considering water (Pisces) and fire (Sagittarius) don’t typically mesh well by nature. That’s not all we should be taking into consideration, but sadly, we don’t have Baldwin’s time of birth. (Not to worry, betches. We’ve got Bieber’s birth time on deck, as per astrotheme, and I’ll get into that in a minute.)

Jupiter’s Children

In the meantime, let’s go over the basics. Pisces and Sagittarius are both mutable signs, which means Bieber and Baldwin do in fact have some similarities, in the sense that they’re both adaptable, changeable, and prefer going with the flow. However, keep in mind, looking to see if two sun signs are compatible is merely scratching the surface. Nevertheless, the newlyweds are both ruled by expansive Jupiter, and this caught my attention from the very beginning. Lucky Jupiter rules Sagittarius, and it’s also Pisces’ traditional ruler in astrology.

Since we don’t have Baldwin’s birth time, I have to point out that the 22-year-old model was born on the very first day (and degree) of Sagittarius. TBH, she very well might have been born on the last degree of Scorpio, considering the sun changed signs on her birthday. Either way, she’s still a Scorpio-Sagittarius cusp, and FYI the Biebs has a sh*t ton of Scorpionic influence in his chart. Although, going back to these two being children of oh-so-gracious Jupiter, there’s really nothing this celebrity couple wouldn’t do together. Their contagious optimism is constantly flowing, and their larger-than-life personalities clearly thrive off the PDA.

The Dark Side Of The Biebs

Word. Now let’s talk about the Biebs for a second, because this Pisces is a lot more complex than you think. For starters, he was born with a smoldering Scorpio rising, AKA ascendant, conjunct his Pluto and North Node in Scorpio. Holy sh*t and a half. Intense is an understatement, betch. FYI: Pluto rules Scorpio, so having this sexy Voldemort planet sitting directly over his Ascendant, only magnifies its power. There’s more. His Pluto is also sitting alongside his North Node, which represents his “spiritual path,” in this lifetime. One thing’s for sure: themes related to power, transformation, sexuality, sacrifice, karma, and universal compassion are prominent themes in Justin Bieber’s life.

The Biebs has definitely gone through some intense rebirths, and TBH, marrying Hailey Baldwin still feels like a Scorpio rising fixation (or perhaps revenge?), but again, that’s just the vibe I get. On another note, Bieber most definitely benefits from Hailey’s Sagittarius-like qualities, considering Pisces’ energy naturally struggles with taking initiative, and getting things done. In other words, Baldwin’s fiery energy most definitely compliments Bieber’s ambiguous waters. Also, as per astrotheme, Hailey’s sun conjuncts her Pluto in Sagittarius, which means she, too, has an air of Plutonian mystery to her, which obviously drives Bieber wild.

Besides, who are we kidding? Hailey Baldwin is hot AF.

Pisces Sun Vs. Virgo Mars

Bieber’s sun in Pisces is directly opposed Baldwin’s Mars in Virgo, which can definitely cause some friction in the relationship. The sun is proud and Mars asserts itself; meanwhile, both of these planets are at odds. Now, this could also ignite a surge of passion, but those red-hot feels could also spark disagreements within the relationship.

Moreover, these two have something extra cosmic, in regards to their compatibility, and it’s called a Moon-Venus conjunction. Baldwin has her Venus in its home sign Libra, and the Biebs has his moon in the same sign. FYI: Venus thrives in the sign of Libra, as it is its sign of rulership, and the planet of love, beauty, and relationships. The moon, however, represents our emotions and sense of nurture, so can you imagine the deliciousness of Moon-Venus in Libra? TBH, I dare to say that this aspect is what ultimately sealed the deal. Aside from their Jupiterian love story, of course. Thanks to this, these two have no issue showing affection towards one another, let alone connecting on an emotional level.

Are Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin compatible?

You could be the judge of that.

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