No matter how long it’s been since you’ve had an actual back to school, the back to school energy is in the air, and it’s time to get your sh*t together. Is it any wonder that this very special time of year falls directly in the middle of Virgo season? The stars work in mysterious ways… Here’s what you need to know this week so you can get things on track, whether it’s in the classroom, the boardroom, or the bedroom.
Last week’s Virgo wellness energy is continuing into this week as you stay focused on health and self-care. I’m talkin’ green smoothies. I’m talkin’ superfoods. I’m talkin’ HIIT classes that make you feel like you want to vomit, or die, or vomit and then die. No pain, no gain Aries! But it’ll all be worth it when you can finally open a jar of pickles without asking for assistance.
Focus up, Taurus! You’ve been getting distracted by shiny objects lately (understandable), but it’s time to cultivate some appreciation for the sh*t that’s right in front of you. What are you thankful for right now? By taking a little time this week to appreciate what you have, you’ll be more refreshed and ready for all the amazing things to come!
Put on your fluffiest robe and slip on your house shoes, because this week is all about the comforts of home, Gemini! The stars are giving you permission to cancel every last plan you thought you had this week and trade them in for seven consecutive nights of couch potato-ing. And after a full summer of being a social butterfly, you f*cking need it. Don’t be afraid to hibernate! Your fans—I mean friends—will still be there when you return.
You’re still floating around like the social butterfly you are this week, Cancer, and channels of communication are open. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself going deep in the group chat, or missing half the party because you got caught up talking about the meaning of life. Human interaction in fueling you right now, so take it where you can get it. Just remember, your server doesn’t actually want to hear your life story. They’re just a person working for tips.
Summer is (basically) over, Leo, and it’s time to get serious. Specifically, it’s time to get serious about money. Gone are the days when you spend your entire paycheck on last minute beach trips. The holidays will be here sooner than you think, and IOUs are not acceptable presents. Start saving now and wow everyone with your gift giving abilities come December. (And who loves wow-ing everyone more than a Leo??)
Finally! It’s your season, and for exactly one month people will care about having their sh*t together as much as you do. Okay so, nobody actually cares about having their sh*t together as much as you do, but they’re trying and you appreciate it. Okay, no you don’t, but still…it’s not a bad thing. Don’t be surprised if you have a lot of people hitting you up for advice this week, hoping to steal some of that Virgo glow for themselves. Just remember, you can’t fix everyone. Don’t even try.
You’re a hurricane of creativity right now Libra, so don’t let it go to waste! Now is the perfect time to sign up for a local drink-and-draw class, or to bust out the ol’ adult coloring book and start coloring in those lines—or don’t color in the lines. I don’t want to stifle you. Just be sure to find a healthy outlet for your creativity so it doesn’t burst out in the form of increasingly creative new insults for your ex.
Connect with your inner Billie Eilish this week and let your freak flag fly, Scorpio! You’re not in the mood for anything mundane or “normal,” so it’s time to hit up your weirdest friend (you know, the one who moved to a cannabis commune and changed her name to ‘Star Fruit’) and embrace the odd! I’m not saying you have to go full Midsommar, but a little Halloween-in-August energy never hurt anybody.
Goooooooooooals! You’re all about them this week, Sagittarius. Don’t be surprised if career advancements and opportunities find you. The stars are aligned for some major money moves this week, so keep an eye out for opportunities in unexpected places and get ready to shine. Even if you’re not feeling particularly motivated yourself, put on your best boss b*tch face and fake it ‘til you make it. You’ll be happy that you did.
Fun fact, Capricorn: in Greek mythology, Capricorn was represented by Pan, aka the “horny sea goat” of the zodiac. And you’re uh…embracing that ancestry this week. Yep. That’s right. It’s sexy time. The work that you put in to shake up your love life last week is coming (literally) to fruition this week, so maybe keep those nights open. Actually, you might wanna keep your mornings open too. Just saying…
Keep an eye out for romantic connections in unexpected places this week, Aquarius. Maybe it’s time for a recalibration of your standards? Not saying you need to start dating someone who still lives with their mom and thinks cargo shorts are fancy, but maybe you don’t have to swipe left on anyone under 6’7. There are plenty of 6’5-ers out there who are also deserving of love. (And you can always make them wear lifts if necessary).
You’re another sign that’s feeling the urge to flirt this week, Pisces, and your best bet may be someone outside your typical type. Worse case scenario: you have a subpar hook up with someone you weren’t really sure you’d like that much anyway. Best case scenario: turns out your mailman was the love of your life all along. Who knew?!?!
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Saturn moves into Capricorn this week. Saturn is all about responsibility, self-discipline, conservation—you know, basically all things boring and “adult.” Sorry, Capricorn, life’s about to get real serious for you soon. The other signs don’t all get off that easy, either. Saturn is shaking things up for some other betches too. So there’s that.
Saturn’s move means you’re about to get what’s coming to you. If you’ve been harvesting seeds of spite, animosity, laziness and all things shitty about your personality, things are probably about to get real… fast. If you’ve been all good vibes and drinking lemon water, well, this is the week you’ll start seeing and feeling amazing results.
Venus in your house of intimacy is usually a good thing, unless Neptune shows up to crash the party. Well, that’s exactly what happens this week. You might find that you’re not exactly on the same page as your weekend hookup about where you see this thing going. Be super careful if you want to keep that person as a friend. Otherwise, it’s probably best you cut it off quick and become the ghost of Christmas past.
Saturn is known to define things. If you feel like you need some motherfucking clarity about your life, this is the week to get it. Gotta look inside yourself and figure out if you like the path you’re on. Also, you better have the DTR talk before you spend a bunch of money on a Christmas present for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.
You might be falling out of love with something you once were super passionate about. Whether it’s an internship, volunteer program, or relationship, don’t take that baggage with you into the new year. Blame your change of heart on a resolution or something. Good thing you have a lot of time to develop a good exit excuse so you can cut the bullshit in 2018.
Venus and Neptune battling it out in your intimacy house has you suspicious AF this week. Even if you aren’t suspicious of a significant other, you might have some pressing questions for a friend who seems to be a little bit shady lately. The easiest way to find something you didn’t care to see is to go looking for it.
As a fellow earth sign, you benefit from Saturn entering Capricorn. Prepared to be weirdly focused and full steam ahead this week. Yeah, it’s best you get all your important shit done this week so you can kick back and relax for basically the entire second half of December. While you’re at it, clean your damn room—Virgos function best with a lot of organization.
This week, you’re more likely to bite your tongue and tell someone what they want to hear instead of dishing up a hot serving of the mf truth. Sure, silence is an option so that you don’t end up flat-out lying to anyone. Better suggestion: just avoid all people you’d ever have to lie to this week, i.e., basically everyone.
If you’ve put off doing your holiday shopping, keep putting it off this week—at least when it comes to special or expensive presents for people important to you. As a Scorpio, you like spoiling others and being spoiled by them in return. But a clash between Venus and Neptune in your money house means a well-intentioned gift you buy this week could fail to achieve your desired goal.
With Venus in your sign, you’re more preoccupied with your looks and style this week. The snow has you feeling some type of way about coats, hats, scarves and all the fun winter accessories. Neptune might make you too bold, so pay attention to your friends when they politely let you know that your avant garde winter look is too over-the-top.
Have you been keeping something about your personal life on the DL lately? Venus and Neptune at odds in your house of secrets means it’ll be extra hard to not be outed accidentally on purpose this week. If you truly have something to hide, watch what you say and who’s around when you say it. Eavesdroppers are a fucking nuisance this week.
There’s a weird dynamic in your friend group when it comes to money. Some of your girls might be living pretty lavishly, while others are scraping it together for half-priced apps at happy hour. It’s not your job or anything, but it would probably be super nice of you to arrange something low-key for the weekend so the povos in your group can attend without feeling stressed about their bank accounts. You’re, like, such a good friend.
You’re around more people you feel like you really need to impress in the next few weeks. Instead of shying away from or diverting attention, work on soaking it in. Venus is at odds with Neptune, which might have you questioning yourself, but your bankable talents will really come out to impress the crowd when you need them most. Um, no, your blow job skills don’t count as a talent. Sorry, Pisces.
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