One of the reasons why New Year’s Eve is one of my favorite holidays is because you never know what to expect, *sigh* but this year isn’t like the others… As we are all aware, celebrating New Year’s Eve this year will be a lot different than what we are used to, and we just have to make the best of it. That’s why my winter break has been filled with quality family time watching holiday movies in the comfort of my home, and I have been loving every minute of it!
So I figured this would be the perfect time to give you my favorite NYE movies that will get you in the spirit of the new year. For anyone that is looking for a classic, a romantic comedy, or a crime/thriller/suspense film, look no further!
‘New Year’s Eve’
This is a given. The star-studded cast is giving all of the NYE vibes that we can’t really have this year, so it’s the perfect substitute. If you are a Love, Actually fan and you’re all about the multiple storylines that eventually come together at the end of the movie, this one’s for you. Ever since this movie came out, I don’t think I’ve ever gone through the holidays without watching it!
‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we can all relate to Bridget Jones to some degree. After her parents’ New Year’s party, she decides to keep a diary to track her New Year’s resolutions, which include losing weight, quitting smoking, and finding the man of her dreams. But shortly after, she ends up being stuck in a love triangle with her childhood acquaintance Mark Darcy and her boss Daniel Cleaver (so basically, all of us trying to stick to our own resolutions).
‘About Time’
How could I not include a rom-com with Rachel McAdams? For any of you that may not know this movie, the main character Tim Lake learns from his father that the men of his family have the ability to travel back in time. When Tim first tries it at a family gathering on New Year’s Eve, he decides he’ll only use it to improve his love life (if only we had the ability to do the same).
‘The Godfather Part II’
For anyone that wants to kill time on NYE and forget 2020 ever happened, this movie is over three hours long and it will definitely take your mind off everything. I’m all for classic, intense films, and the fact that this has an iconic cast with an eventful New Year’s party makes this a must-see around this time of the year.
‘When Harry Met Sally’
Whenever you last watched When Harry Met Sally, it’s always time for a rewatch. Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan (aka Harry and Sally) share a car ride to New York City, and they basically have nothing in common. Throughout the movie, over a span of 12 years, Harry and Sally run into each other at the most random times, and we see their relationship grow and evolve, all leading up to a New Year’s Eve party. This one gives me all the feels.
‘Sleepless In Seattle’
You can never have too many Meg Ryan movies, right? Anyone that loves When Harry Met Sally will also love this timeless classic rom-com. This love story is a total must-see and will definitely get you in the mood for the new year.
‘High School Musical’
Before you start asking questions, just remember that the beginning of this movie takes place on NYE, where Troy and Gabriella have their fateful first meeting while on vacation. I honestly look for any excuse to watch this Disney Channel classic. Whether you’re celebrating solo or in a small gathering this year, this movie is great for anyone that is looking for a singalong film to end 2020 on a positive note!
Images: Disney Channel; Giphy (7)
Friends, we have officially almost made it to 2020. Taylor Swift’s self-titled debut album came out 13 years ago. Justin Bieber is married. Eminem’s daughter Hailie graduated from college in 2018 and has almost 2 million followers on Instagram. We. are. old. And it’s days like today, as I furiously Google where I can get discount botox, that I get nostalgic for my youth. It was a simpler time, a time when I could paper my walls with the cover of Tiger Beat and dream of making out with Shane West and being as cool as Lindsay Lohan. And this nostalgia got me thinking, what ever happened to my favorite stars of the 2000s? I mean, we know what happened to people like Lindsay Lohan (attempting to run a beach club, hanging out with a shady prince), and Amanda Bynes (mental breakdown, design school, another mental breakdown). But what happened to the ones that went on to have normal jobs? Let’s find out!
1. Dylan Sprouse
Dylan Sprouse is, of course, the identical twin brother of Jughead Jones, and one half of the iconic duo that relentlessly demanded Adam Sandler play them the Kangaroo song. He also lived the suite life of Zack and Cody, but apparently was not saddled with Ross Gellar as his fictional father (that was only Cole). Small mercies. Cole continues to act steadily on the CW’s most bonkers show, Riverdale, but Dylan has decided to take a different path in his life. And I don’t just mean professionally trolling his brother on Instagram. Dylan co-founded the All-Wise Meadery, New York’s first full production meadery located in Brooklyn, because of course. Sooooo that’s just a bar, right? Will I be murdered on-site by a man with a handlebar mustache the moment I enter Williamsburg for writing that?
The All-Wise Meadery website tells me that mead is also known as “honey wine” and is the oldest alcoholic drink known to man. Huh. I thought that was Bud Light. It also goes on to explain that, “It was upon graduation in 2015 that Sprouse realized his true passion for brewing, having spent the better part of his college career experimenting with different mead formulations and perfecting his recipes in the confines of the dorm rooms.” OKAY. Just because you mixed Kool-Aid with vodka in a garbage can for a house party and called it Jungle Juice does not make you a mead-ologist, Dylan. Needless to say, I am entirely skeptical of this mead, would never spend a dime on it, and will absolutely be going next weekend. Who’s with me?! Great, you can pay.
2. Jonathan Bennett
I'm baaaack @Flywheel Larchmont tomorrow with my NEW TIME of 7pm!! Go grab a bike it's Wednesday. (yes you can wear pink) ready to inspire!
— Jonathan Bennett (@JonathanBennett) March 11, 2014
Aaron Samuels may look sexy with his hair pushed back, but have you seen how sexy he looks dripping in sweat and wearing bike shorts? Yeah me either, but for a while back in 2013-14 you could have if you attended a Flywheel class in LA. According to Huffpo, Jonathan strove to “bring out the best” in all his riders. How sweet! I’ve only ever been verbally abused to the point of tears by spin instructors, which is apparently NOT enough to file a police report, according to the detective who threatened to sue me for wasting his time. Can you move to New York, please, Jonathan? I took 911 off my speed dial, I promise!
It looks like Jonathan no longer teaches spin (nice spin instructors finish last and all that, I’m sure) and is back to getting paid to act. I know this because I have seen him in multiple Hallmark Channel movies I have saved on my DVR. You go, Glen Coco!
3. Erik von Detten
If I was forced to pick a childhood crush that was not Devon Sawa, it would have to be Erik von Detten. I mean, could you get any sexier than Brink?! (Other than Casper or Junior Floyd or Scott Wormer, obviously). Erik was the epitome of a hot California guy, right up to his douchey turn in The Princess Diaries. It was all *chef’s kiss* perfect.
What has happened to this golden boy who shined so bright, you ask? Well, I have some very bad, terrible, horrible, no good news. He is happily married and just had a baby girl this past May. His wife and daughter are incredibly cute and adorably coordinated for Halloween and obviously I hate them. Oh, and I forgot this was supposed to be a job update article and not me lamenting over my lost loves. So, here it is. Erik works in sales now. HAPPY?!
4. Nikki Blonsky
We all know Nikki as the star of Hairspray, the movie where she danced her way into our hearts, and more importantly, Zac Efron’s heart. Zac Efron’s beautifully coiffed, seductive, perfectly chiseled heart. Where was I? Oh yes, after Hairspray, Nikki found a few more roles, but nothing quite at the level that Hairspray was. She revealed in 2017 a profile with OUT that she would never consciously take a step away from the industry, but, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t pursued other things. For a while, she went back home to Long Island and worked in a hair salon while waiting for her next acting job to come around. Gotta get that bread (are the kids still saying that these days?). Even people who had John Travolta in drag play their mother in a major motion picture have bills to pay. Nikki still has some small roles to this day, and continues to pay tribute to her iconic character. She’s also randomly become iconic f0r her Cameo videos, because 2019.
5. Teddy Dunn
This update is basically for me and It’s Britney, Betch, which is totally fine, because as we always tell each other after 1.5 bottles of wine, we’re the only ones who matter anyway. Teddy Dunn played Duncan Kane on two seasons of Veronica Mars, and I guess was scarred by the fact that he was a part of the greatest incest plot twist of all time (take that, Riverdale!), because he barely acted after leaving the show. I think he made a guest appearance on Gilmore Girls as the son of one of Emily’s rich friends, but we’re too deep in this very long article for me to attempt to confirm the accuracy of anything my brain is telling my fingers to type. Recently, Teddy gave an interview to TV Guide, saying he didn’t realize that the acting business was going to be quite a “business,” and left to pursue a law degree at Boston College. He now works as a law associate at a firm in New York. Who knew the donut had it in him! BRB while I find his company, charm my way past security, and convince him to go to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery with me.
And those are just a few of my favorite 2000s stars that have normal jobs now! Welcome to the real world, celebrities, you’re gonna hate it.
Images: allwisemeadery, angelavondetten, nikkiblonsky/Instagram; jonathanbennett/Twitter
There’s nothing quite like getting far too invested in a celebrity relationship, am I right? The unadulterated joy you get from projecting your fantasies onto total and complete strangers. The inexplicable rush upon seeing photos of them on a red carpet, looking better than you probably will in your whole life. The perverse satisfaction derived from “insider news” from “trusted sources” that definitely wasn’t planted by either of their publicists. It’s one of the simple, incredibly invasive pleasures of living in the 21st century.
But as the saying goes: celebrities, they’re just like us! Which means their relationships fail, even though we swore this time they wouldn’t. Except what’s different here is that the entire world watches and interjects their unwarranted opinions into what is already a horrifying and traumatic period of two people’s lives. Remember that time, in a blissful era where he wasn’t the leader of the free world, that Donald Trump tweeted (repeatedly) about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s breakup? Imagine that, but coming from every mother with a Facebook account across the entire world.
While many celeb breakups are expected, pre-ordained from the moment that first paparazzi photo hits TMZ, there are a handful of splits that managed to send shockwaves around the world, that seemed to rock the very foundation upon which the notion of love so perilously rests. These are their stories.
Vanessa Hudgens And Zac Efron
Listen. I know some of you don’t care about this couple at all and to that I have one thing to say: you’re wrong. Zanessa kicks off our list because, at the tender age of 14, I sat directly behind them on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland and nearly burst into tears afterwards, so believe me when I say my world was rocked by this breakup.
Some of you weren’t in the midst of your painful and pivotal middle school years when High School Musical dropped—meaning your mid-pubescent romantic renaissance wasn’t awoken by the young love between Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez—and it SHOWS.
Zanessa were the embodiment of young Hollywood from approximately 2005–2010. They were simultaneously everything we wanted to be and everything we could never have. To this day I couldn’t tell you which one I was actually more jealous of, but just that I still think back on them fondly, quietly hoping that they do the same of each other.
Rachel McAdams And Ryan Gosling
Listen: God doesn’t give with two hands. You don’t get to look like Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling and then end up with Rachel McAdams or Ryan Gosling. You don’t get to play one of the most essential romantic couples of the 21st century and then live happily ever after together, okay?? That notion, while comforting for the rest of us, doesn’t make this breakup any less sad.
What did, however, make it almost unbearable was knowing that this kind of passion existed in the world and now no longer does. As if we needed one more reminder that nothing good can last forever.
That video looks like it was filmed on a flip phone in the pre-historic era, and that’s because it probably was, but it doesn’t even matter! No amount of terrible camera quality can dampen the raw passion of this scene. Please indulge me for a moment as we all take a stroll down memory lane to the 2005 VMAs.
The award was “Best Kiss” and the competition was nonexistent. The era was peak The Notebook fever, a time when we all actually waxed poetic about Alzheimer’s. This sequence, so choreographed, so perfect, so effortless in its ability to remind us that we are mere mortals existing at the leisure of an indifferent God, will live in infamy.
The “come hither” finger gesture? The effortless lift? The goofy smile on her face afterwards? The casual way Ryan Gosling strolls to the podium with Rachel McAdams resting on his hip like a basket of freshly washed laundry? Unparalleled, all of it. I don’t care if the rest of their relationship was utter garbage; it was all worth it for this sacred moment in pop culture history.
Will Arnett And Amy Poehler
You know how every time any notable celebrity couple breaks up and every single person in the universe takes to Twitter to say the exact same thing: love is dead!!!! Amy and Will were that first couple for me.
These two were a beacon of hope in my early-adolescence, a North star by which I could guide my own life. You see, Will and Amy instilled in me the (wildly naïve) belief that one day, I too could marry a man just as funny as I, and then we could live the rest of our lives together being funnier than everyone else. What can I say? I was young. I was innocent. I was still under the incredibly mistaken impression that Will Arnett was as funny as Amy Poehler.
Regardless, the end of Will and Amy was the end of an era, one in which we all breathed a little lighter and dreamed a little higher. At least we have their adorable, inexplicably red-haired children to remember them by.
Jennifer Aniston And Brad Pitt
This breakup wasn’t sad so much for the end of the relationship itself, but more so because of what it created. The end of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt kicked off a decade long, unnecessarily cruel Spinster Hunt, targeted at a woman who deserved not one bit of it, instead of the man who cheated on her. Weird, right? Almost like double standards exist or something.
You want to talk about life being unfair? Let’s talk about Jennifer Aniston. I mean, sure, she gets to look like Jennifer Aniston. But I think she earned those arms and the rest of that age-proof body after going through what she did.
First, her husband cheats on her with Angelina Jolie, another woman so inhumanely beautiful that it breaks my brain to imagine them existing on the same plane of existence. Then the two suffer a public, nasty divorce, during which constant media coverage compares and contrasts two women who have no business being pitted against one another.
From then on out, no matter the circumstance, Jennifer will be harassed throughout every relationship she pursues. If she’s happy and thriving, it’s a countdown to the inevitable doom. If it ends, for any reason whatsoever, headlines everywhere read “Will Jennifer Ever Find Love Again?” or “Jennifer Alone Forever.” The woman can’t win.
And now, nearly 14 years later, the rumors have started up again! Will they? Won’t they? What does Angelina think? What kind of woman takes back a cheating husband? How much more money can we squeeze out of this tired story?
Leave Jennifer alone! Let her live! Let her f*ck her stupid hot ex if she wants to! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!
John Krasinski And Emily Blunt
JUST KIDDING! But please take this as my formal notice that, in the event of this ever happening, I will be shipping myself to the convent that Katy Perry keeps trying to steal from those nuns.
Images: Giphy (5)
Schools are almost out, and it’s time to relax and let loose. And by “let loose” I mean stay in on a Friday night for some Netflix and chill. There are some incredible original movies coming to the streaming platform this month, like Wine Country and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. Two totally different movie night-vibes there, but excited for both equally the same. I mean, a movie directed by Amy Poehler, and another starring Zac Efron? That’s pretty much all I could ever ask for in life! And from my streaming service nonetheless! Is that sad??? Maybe. Do I care??? Nope. So here are the TV shows and movies hitting Netflix this month that we’re most excited about, plus a few that we’re well, not so much.
1. ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ & ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,’ May 1st
If you’ve been getting out your DVDs or VHS tapes to watch your favorite Austin Powers movies, then you’re an idiot and very behind on the times. But, no need to beat yourself up, you can now sit back and relax because these iconic movies will be available on Netflix as of May 1st. And, as if people don’t overuse Austin Powers movie references enough, expect them to be in full force this summer with these two titles now available for streaming. Guess you could say it’s both a blessing and a curse.
2. ‘Knock Down The House,’ May 1st
When I first saw this movie title, I assumed it was some Netflix interpretation of Bringing Down The House, an iconic cinematic masterpiece that I’d be super on board for a revival of. Unfortunately, it’s not. And even more unfortunately, it’s a political documentary. Again, I’m not the ideal customer for this kind of sh*t, considering my tastes in entertainment are superficial and far from deep. But, for those of you with more complex taste than myself, this documentary documents (woah, imagine that) four progressive women who ran for Congress in the midterm election, and one candidate’s ultimate success in doing so. It’s said to be hopeful and inspiring, so maybe I will actually put a pause on re-watching old Vanderpump Rules episodes to give this one a shot. I mean, I could use some hope and inspiration from someone other than Tom Sandoval to get me through my week, so we’ll see.
3. ‘Chasing Liberty,’ May 1st
Chasing Liberty is the epitome of a classic rom-com from the early 2000s. I mean, you have Mandy Moore at the height of her being Mandy Moore, playing the president’s daughter who can’t get the secret service off her back long enough to actually date boys. Tragic, right??? Tbh, idk if I’ve ever actually even seen this one, or if I’m just confusing it with that Disney channel movie with Hayden Panettiere that had basically the same exact plot. Either way, I now can’t get the song “My Date with the President’s Daughter” out of my head. Honestly, such a bop.
4. ‘Wedding Crashers,’ May 1st
Like, if this isn’t the best movie ever for staying in bed all day hungover, then I don’t know what is. Everyone loves Wedding Crashers, and this classic comedy hits Netflix this May, just in time to cure your Memorial Day hangover. Thanks for thinking of us, Netflix!!! It almost negates the fact that you’re increasing your monthly fee. Almost. Then again, wtf do I care, I don’t pay for this. Shouts out to whoever is, though, I appreciate you!!
5. ‘John Carter,’ May 2nd
I’m going to be honest, this is one I’ll probably skip. I had actually never even heard of this movie so I asked my sister’s boyfriend, who is a TV and movie connoisseur, about it and his exact summary was, “it’s a SciFi movie with good actors and a cute love story.” And sorry, but like, ya lost me at “SciFi.” I’m a religious watcher of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so needless to say, I’m not really a SciFi gal. But for those of you interested, it’s a Disney movie based on a book, and is about an ex-military captain who somehow randomly wakes up on Mars (talk about the Sunday scaries) and is now faced with saving a bunch of randos. I mean, talk about “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.”
6. ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,’ May 3rd
If you didn’t fall in love with Zac Efron as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, then you’re either too young or too old to be here rn. Stop what you’re doing and go watch this instant classic I think we can all agree that Zac Efron is a babe. And he has only gotten hotter with age. HOW?!?! And he’s going to be playing Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killing heartthrob??? Sign me up! I mean, in all seriousness, it’s kind of dangerous that he’s playing this character. It’s totally just going to further confuse hopeless romantics everywhere, making them believe that the serial killer-like tendencies of the guy they’re dating (but like actually, beyond just not texting you back for three days) are just something you can “fix.” Just kidding. But I will be excited to watch this.
7. ‘Lucifer’ Season 4, May 8th
So like, I don’t watch this show but maybe I should, because people are pretty hype for its return. Season 4 comes to Netflix this month, and like I just said before, people are stoked. Apparently, this show has some real stans because after it was canceled by Fox after season 3, fans campaigned for it to come back. I mean, just because something has passionate, loyal fans doesn’t mean it’s a winner *cough cough Donald Trump* but this show does look kind of good. And the lead guy is hot as sh*t, so that’s probs reason enough for me to give it a whirl.
8. ‘Wine Country,’ May 10th
Well, when you have a new movie starring half the adult cast of Mean Girls, you know you’re in store for a treat. Not to mention, it also has Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and Paula Pell. Plus, as if that star-studded cast isn’t enough, the whole thing is directed by Amy Poehler. Expect your Insta feed to be flooded with stories of girls having wine nights together to watch this movie. And no shade to them, cause I’ll be grabbing my gals and doing the same. I mean, the premise is a girl’s weekend, very basic plot line. And like, if the cast wasn’t so good, then it would probs be a movie I’d never see. But, with a cast of women who genuinely make me laugh with everything they do, I’ll have this in my queue the day it comes out.
9. ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal,’ May 21st
Wanda Sykes’ first one hour Netflix special comes this month, titled “Wanda Sykes: Not Normal.” Apparently the special surrounds our current f*cked-up political and cultural climate. And considering how f*cked-up the world truly is right now, there’s no doubt in my mind Wanda will have some great jokes for us on the matter. Bring it on, Wanda.
10. ‘When They See Us,’ May 31st
This is a limited miniseries surrounding the wrongful conviction of five men of color over a female jogger who was beaten and raped. It’s based on the true story of the Central Park Five and documents the breakdown of our criminal justice system. Honestly, the trailer is chilling, and if that’s not enough reason to watch, recently admittedly guilty Felicity Huffman is a main character in the drama. And, she’s playing the assistant district attorney who presided over the case and was a huge contributor to the infamous f*ck-up. Ironic, I know.
There are tons of other popular titles on the list coming for May that I’ve heard of, yet haven’t seen. So if I didn’t mention your beloved movie or show (like, relax Hairspray stans) there’s no need to come for me. Feel free to utilize the comments section for good, and promote said movie or show that you clearly feel so irrationally passionate about. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, who am I to stop you?
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
The title of this article is actually kind of a joke because if you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, you need to fix yourself. What? Do you, like, have a life or something? Do you not spend your nights deep-diving serial killers on Wikipedia and then waking up every hour to check all the closets in your 400-square-foot apartment “just in case?” Are you actually well-adjusted? FINE. If you are one of these “normal” humans and you don’t know who Ted Bundy is, 2019 is your year because Netflix just dropped Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes and sh*ts about to get real…sadistic.
Since so many of you freaks can’t tear yourselves away from watching yet another episode about the Dundies, I’m here to tell you who Ted Bundy is and why you should care. But tread carefully friends, this article will mark the official end of your innocence.
He Murdered At Least 30 Women
Ted Bundy is one of the most prolific serial killers of all time. Before he was executed in 1989, he finally confessed to 30 murders, which you can hear him briefly whisper about in the new Netflix documentary, Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes. But dude, you don’t need to whisper, we already know. Even though Ted confessed to 30 murders, many more have been attributed to him and at one point he said the number of women he killed was “three digits,” leading experts to speculate that he meant over 100, and leading me to reconsider watching this before bed.
Many of the women Ted killed were in their teens and early 20’s and had brown hair, like Diane, the woman who broke his heart. Word of advice ladies, if you’re going to date a psychopath and sexual sadist, be gentle with his snowflake heart or he might kill 100 women that look like you. Or you could just be like me and never date anyone. It’s a good way to not get murdered and a good way to fit in all 14 seasons of Criminal Minds in 6 weeks.
Ted was eventually convicted of kidnapping Carol DaRonch in 1974. She’s featured in the documentary and is a complete badass who narrowly escaped being one of his murder victims. Ted was also eventually sentenced to death for the murders of Margaret Bowman and Lisa Levy at the FSU Chi Omega house, and Kimberly Leach, his final victim, who was only 12 years old. F*ck this guy.
He Escaped Prison Twice
YES! You heard me. A man that had already been convicted of kidnapping and was on trial for MURDER managed to escape from prison twice!
Fool me once, Ted, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone running that f*cking prison should get fired. Here’s how it happened. The first time, Ted was allowed in the courthouse law library by himself, unshackled. Damn, they’ll just let men do whatever they want, won’t they? So he jumped out the window and ran. Easy as that. He was able to evade capture for six days and lost 25 pounds. And yes, I am seriously considering this for my next diet.
Six short months later, Ted had managed to cut a hole in the ceiling of his cell, climb through it, and eventually walk right out the front door. The FRONT DOOR. From that front door, he made it all the way to Florida where he became a law-abiding citizen, renting out beach chairs and umbrellas to people on the beach. I’m kidding. He f*cking murdered people.
Women Are THIRSTY For Him
Despite the fact that Ted Bundy liked to rape, murder, and return to the dead bodies to have sex with the corpses of his victims (I know, I’m sorry), this did not deter women from fawning all over him. The documentary shows these women enamored by him and batting their eyelashes because he was “attractive.” To say it’s unsettling is an understatement.
Not only did Ted have his lady fans, but he even secured himself a wife during his murder trial. While he was questioning girlfriend Carol Ann Boone on the stand, he asked her to marry him, and it was legally binding. She went on to visit him in prison and they even had a daughter together. Huh. So I guess he could get it up without having to murder someone.
He Blames Pornography For His Crimes
To quote the immortal words of Miss Marcia Brady, “Sure, Jan.”
Zac Efron Is Playing Him In A Movie
And finally we’ve reached the “why you should care” portion of the article, and that reason is Zac Efron. The reason to watch anything is really Zac Efron, I certainly wouldn’t have entertained the idea of basketball players auditioning for a high school musical otherwise. Zac will be starring in Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile, the movie based on Ted’s life that’s premiering at Sundance right now. I’m ready for you Z, chill me to the bone.
People are also talking about Ted Bundy so much because Netflix just released its true crime documentary about him. It’s supposed to present never-before-told information about Ted Bundy, but anyone who has read one Ted Bundy biography would already know everything presented in the documentary. Can’t wait for Hulu to release their competing documentary with nonsensical clips of Family Guy spliced throughout.
So that’s your basic rundown of Ted’s life! If you’re really interested, I suggest you watch the documentary on Netflix, or read The Stranger Beside Me which is the OG of true crime books. And always remember, if a guy wearing a sling asks you to help him carry something to his car, call the police.
And if you can’t get enough of serial killers, may we suggest starting your journey down the rabbit hole by listening to Not Another True Crime Podcast?
Images: Giphy (3)
It’s been a big year for Lindsay Lohan. She opened her beach clubs in Mykonos and Rhodes, and is supposed to be getting a new reality show sometime soon. I’m not sure whether I love her or hate her at this point, but I’m still fascinated no matter what. For the past few months, she’s basically just been hanging out in Mykonos, posing for pictures with famous people and randos that come to her club. Her mom came to visit, as did my favorite Trump child, Tiffany. But a few days ago, I saw a photo that really made me feel nostalgic. Lindsay was hanging out with Nico Tortorella, one of the names on Lindsay’s infamous “f*ck list.”
If you don’t know about the f*ck list, prepare to have your mind blown. Back in 2014, Lindsay was staying at the Beverly Hilton Hotel with her friends. For reasons unknown, Lindsay filled out a literal Scattergories playing cards with 36 names of people, all of whom it’s assumed she slept with at some point. There are a few names that have always remained blurred out in the photos, but there’s still a ton of material here. Let’s walk down memory list, and check in on some of the greatest hits of Lindsay Lohan’s f*ck list.
Nico Tortorella
Nico Tortorella (who uses neutral pronouns) definitely isn’t the most famous person on the list, but they’re one of the most interesting. Also, they’re probably one of the few that she actually keeps in touch with. This is just a guess, but I’m pretty sure Zac Efron isn’t texting LiLo on the reg. Nico has been in lots of random TV shows and movies, but they’re best known for playing Josh on Younger. Nico is married to Bethany Meyers, and they’re both queer and hot and very into expressing themselves. Lindsay and Nico have been friends since at least 2011, and he even proposed to her as a joke one time. Glad they’re still friends—Lindsay needs some people in her life who aren’t Russian oligarchs.
Jamie Dornan
I gotta say, Lindsay really got in early on this one. Way back in 2006, she and Jamie were rumored to have a fling, but it didn’t really lead anywhere. That was the same year that Jamie had his first movie role, and it was a full nine years before Fifty Shades of Grey came out. I’m pretty sure this means that Jamie Dornan owes his entire career to Lindsay Lohan? Maybe I just need to sleep with Lindsay too, and then my life will stop being a mess.
Justin Timberlake
I must admit, I had truly forgotten about this one. It’s wild to think back to a time when Lindsay Lohan and Justin Timberlake would have been at the same parties. It’s a little unclear exactly when and how this happened, but there is one plausible theory. In 2009, they were allegedly at the same club in New York, and then later Lindsay tweeted (then deleted) “where’s jb cheater?” Speculation is that “jb” could be Jessica Biel, and I’m just thoroughly confused. There’s a 99% chance JT has Lindsay’s number blocked.
Ashton Kutcher & Wilmer Valderrama
Hooking up with both of the hot guys from That ’70s Show is really a classic LiLo move. It’s a known fact that Lindsay dated Wilmer way back in 2004, when she was just 18 years old. Lindsay most likely got with Ashton in 2006, shortly before he started dating Demi Moore. That truly feels like a lifetime ago. Do we think Wilmer was mad at Ashton for sleeping with Lindsay? Bless this mess.
Orlando Bloom
The only known connection between Lindsay and Orlando is that they were both robbed by the Bling Ring. Wow, I really miss 2000s Hollywood. They were both robbed in the summer of 2009, and Lindsay was the last victim before they were arrested. At the time, Orlando was living with Miranda Kerr, but maybe he and Lindsay bonded over their lost stuff? Idk, they also could’ve had sex at literally any other time within the last 15 years. Fun fact: Orlando is a Buddhist, so I feel like he might vibe well with Lindsay’s spiritual energy.
Riley S/Riley G
One of the most random, not famous inclusions on Lindsay’s list is also a personal favorite of mine. The evidence points to this being Riley Giles, a snowboarder who Lindsay met in 2007 in rehab. They apparently dated for a while, and then Riley did some tell-all interviews after they broke up. Cute, I’m sure she appreciated it. Riley said that Lindsay “quit coke and got hooked on sex with me,” and I just threw up in my mouth a little. He called her a “nymphomaniac,” and said they escaped rehab and went to a mountain cabin, where they went at it “like rabbits.” Okay, I hate Riley.
Stavros Niarchos III
Ah yes, Stavros. He’s the heir to a massive shipping fortune, and naturally that’s always made him desirable boyfriend material. In the mid-2000s, he was dating Paris Hilton, and Lindsay allegedly tried to move in on Paris’ territory. It was always rumored that this was the reason Lindsay and Paris stopped being friends, even though Lindsay claimed that’s false. More recently, Stavros has been seeing Dasha Zhukova, which makes a lot of sense. Dasha is a Russian businesswoman who was previously married to Roman Abramovich, a Russian oligarch who’s worth $11 billion. Dasha is clearly good at following the money, and I applaud her. She and Stavros both have private Instagrams with less than 1,000 followers, which is a total power move.
All The Rest
There are a lot more famous names on the f*ck list, so we could be here for days. Highlights include Zac Efron (Lindsay spelled both his first and last name wrong), Joaquin Phoenix, Adam Levine, Heath Ledger, James Franco, and Benicio del Toro. Someday, I really hope Lindsay writes a book in which she explains each and every one of these encounters, but that would probably result in approximately 10,000 lawsuits. I’m also very curious to know who’s been added to the list since 2014, because I bet there are some really interesting artistic choices. Thanks for all the great memories Lindsay, please never change.
Images: @trackers88 / Instagram; @nicotortorella / Instagram; Giphy (2)
April is finally almost over, and we are legit excited. No, not for actually nice weather or “spending time with friends.” April ending means it’s finally time for Netflix to drop its May selection, and, tbh, the new lineup is lit. From tearjerkers to comedies, we can’t wait to ignore the sunshine and blow off nights out for some serious binges. Here’s our roundup of the best shows and movies that Netflix is #blessing us with this May.
1. ‘John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous Live at Radio City’
Okay, not to, like, brag or anything, but I was at this taping and it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You may have caught John Mulaney on his recent turn as SNL host, which spawned the iconic Diner Lobster, but this is even funnier. Mulaney, a former head writer for SNL and the king of Netflix standup, is perfect for those nights when you just need a pick-me-up or want to showcase how ~cool and into comedy~ you are.
2. ‘Dear White People’ Volume 2
Come for the humor and stay for the social commentary. Dear White People volume 1 had us laughing, crying, and gasping at all of the drama. This is def a series that you can binge and feel good about, because you’re #educating yourself. But also, it’s just really really good.
3. ‘Riverdale’ Season 2
You know what? I’m not even gonna be a Riverdale apologist. Riverdale is the best television show of our generation, and, if you don’t believe me, read our recaps. This show has everything: murder, really dramatic lipstick, a musical?, and teenagers that are like, incredibly unsupervised but also pretty stupid. It’s the perfect television show, and I won’t budge on this.
4. ‘Mamma Mia!’
Our Lord and Savior Meryl Streep has ordained that her overalls may grace our laptop screens, and I’m literally so excited. Does Mamma Mia! have a plot? Like, kinda? Can Colin Firth sing? He tried, and that’s what matters. Will I still be cry laughing as Meryl Streep has an absolutely preposterous wedding set to ABBA music that’s just, like, shoehorned in there? Abso-fucking-lutely. Also, a great way to pregame for Mamma Mia 2, which is hitting theaters July 20.
5. ‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt’ Season 4
This show is absolutely bonkers, and I can only hope Tina Fey read any one of my 200 tweets in the past year so that Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 4 does not disappoint like season 3 did. Since UKS is a Netflix original, it’s like a very rare shooting star, in the sense that it only releases one season once a year. What is frustrating about this is the season is usually very good, funny, and has lots of thoughtful takes on the residual effects of trauma and womanhood. Tina Fey, you sly fox. Also, if you haven’t watched Peeno Noir, what are you even doing with your life?
6. ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’
A biting documentary on the effects of toxic masculinity in today’s world—no, just kidding, this is a fun and raunchy sex comedy from Judd Apatow and Steve Carell. Carell plays a 40-year-old man, who, you guessed it, is a virgin. But there’s a whole lot of heart and laughs under this…interesting premise. It’s perfect for a movie night with the girls and guys.
7. ‘Coco’
Just thinking about this movie makes me cry a little. Once that Pixar logo comes on, you know you’re fucked. But this little story on the Mexican Day of the Dead, clocking in at only 90 minutes, is jam packed with lovely music, beautiful animation, and the ~magic of family and tradition~. If you’re in need of a cathartic cry, or a snuggly night in, pull up a blanket, grab some tissues, and get ready to belt out hum “Remember Me.”
8. ‘Scandal’ Season 7
It’s hard to believe that we once lived in a world without Scandal, but it’s sadly finally come to an end. With 15 episodes, just accept now that you will say, “just one episode!” and lose your entire weekend to this final season. We honestly can’t keep up with all of the twists and turns, but we can guarantee that Olivia Pope will look into the distance, contemplating the intricate and fucked-up power dynamics of politics, and Kerry Washington’s coats will only get more powerful.
9. ‘Ibiza’
This Netflix original comedy looks lit. Starring Gillian Jacobs, Vanessa Bayer, and Phoebe Robinson as three best friends who head to Ibiza for a “business trip,” they meet a hot DJ and have their lives forever changed. It looks like it’ll be the perfect girls night in movie. Pop some cheap wine and get ready to laugh.
10. ‘High School Musical 3: Senior Year’
Obvi, I had to leave the best for last. The final movie in the series, High Musical 3: Senior Year has everything that made us love HSM so much. Zac Efron roaming the halls of his high school screaming? Check. Sharpay getting absolutely shafted, but still tossing off iconic lines like it’s nothing? Big check. A strange subplot about underclassmen trying to steal their identities? Yup, naturally. Why does Gabriella start college literally a month before high school ends? I don’t fucking know, but she does set an important precedent: always choose Stanford over the fuckboy. Of course, it closes out with them singing We’re All In This Together in graduation robes, because, guys, we are all in this together. And by that, I mean that we will all be streaming this an embarrassing amount of times.
Images: Giphy (5); Unsplash (1)
Whether you love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Personally, I think it’s the world’s stupidest holiday. Mainly because I have an icy black heart and mushy shit makes me want to jump off the fucking roof. But that’s just me. Regardless, it’s almost here, and in addition to tacky flower arrangements and teddy bears and chocolate, love movies are going to be everywhere, which means you’re not going to be able to escape all 5,000 of the depressing af Nicholas Sparks movies even if you try. So here you have it, a definitive ranking of every last one of his flicks, so when you’re flipping through the guide over the next two weeks you know which ones are worth watching, and when you should just settle for a Criminal Minds marathon instead.
11. Nights in Rodanthe
You’re probably thinking to yourself “what tf even is this?” but I promise this is actually a real movie and it’s actually terrible. If you’re craving a little Richard Gere and Diane Lane, do yourself a favor and rent Unfaithful instead. Or better yet, go back to your retirement home.
10. The Choice
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Okay, to be fair, I didn’t even see this one because it looked like literal garbage, but I do know it’s about two people who live next door to each other and fall in love and, in true Nicholas Sparks fashion, someone gets critically injured. Oh, and I can still hear the main dude saying “come bother me” in the trailer. Not sure what the movie’s namesake “choice” is, but I’d say that if you have the choice, skip this.
9. Message in a Bottle
This one actually isn’t as bad as the ranking makes it seem, but like, it’s so old and depressing and there’s really nothing that makes it stand out. Any movie with Kevin Costner in it where he’s not playing baseball is just fucking pointless, and any movie whose title immediately gets a song by The Police stuck in my head for the next three hours is an automatic no from me, dog.
8. The Best Of Me
Back when this came out, I had really high hopes for this one because James Marsden is bae, but it really fell flat. There’s nothing memorable, nothing terrible. It’s basically the movie equivalent of butterless, saltless, air-popped popcorn.
7. The Lucky One
Bonus points for Zac Efron also being bae and for Piper from OITNB being in it, negative points for their nonexistent chemistry. They’re both so hot. How tf was it so weird? Answer: It was like watching Zac Efron make out with his aunt. The only reason this pseudo-incest film didn’t rank lower is because there’s a shower makeout scene in which you can see a wet Zac Efron.
6. The Longest Ride
Tbh, I thought this one was going to be shit so I was never planning on watching until it was on HBO every other minute, so I figured why tf not. It was actually way better than expected. They’re both attractive and I have no clue who either one of them is, so the idea of these two nobodies being in a relationship was believable. The only thing that I could have done without is the whole bull riding thing—which I get is like, a big part of the plot, but I really DGAF about a country boy’s deep need to ride an animal that wants to kill him. And like honestly, can anyone with an education level beyond high school relate to this? Loss of points for niche redneck premise.
5. Dear John
Now we’re getting to the good shit. I could look at Channing Tatum all fucking day, especially in a uniform—so for if no other reason, this one is worth the watch because of that. It loses cred because there’s no way in hell Channing would obsess over Karen Smith for years, and there’s really no way Karen would dump him for some not hot dying dude while he was away at war. Nope. Not real. Dear John also sucks for inspiring a Taylor Swift song of the same name.
4. Safe Haven
This one gets less credit than it deserves. Josh Duhamel and Julianne Hough are totally adorable. The storyline is actually somewhat exciting rather than just a cry-fest. And the twist at the end you never see coming. Did I just describe every Nicholas Sparks movie out there? Maybe.
3. The Last Song
Remember when Miley was a cute innocent teen from Tennessee with big teeth and a life that seemed relatively together? Yeah, me too. And you can reminisce when you watch The Last Song. But more importantly, this was the first real time I can remember that we were introduced to the younger Hemsworth brother. As for the movie, it’s got some classic Nicholas Sparks sadness but neither one of them dies so like, fine. Watch this and then cry-sing “The Climb” and try not to text your ex from high school.
2. A Walk to Remember
Get the tissues ready because this has to be one of the saddest movies you’ll ever see—besides My Dog Skip, but that’s for another time. It came out when we were all young little betches and we dreamed of scoring a popular bad boy like Shane West when we got to high school. Sure, Mandy Moore’s character was the nicegirl to end all nicegirls and a total Jesus freak (not to mention socially retarded and weird), but that song she sang at the school play was the fucking jam. Even if it was shadily Jesus-y, it was still the slow dance song we all wanted to hear at our middle school dance. And it would have almost gotten away with being the #1 Nicholas Sparks movie, if it wasn’t for…
1. The Notebook
Name a more iconic love story. I’ll wait. I’m not going to go into why this is No. 1 because if you disagree you can go shave your fucking back. Long live Allie and Noah.
