He doesn’t have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have f*cked with your head. Whether you’ve just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts and emotions to one person. And now that it’s over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere.

Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season’s Essie colors, or whether Kourtney and Scott’s love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy you couldn’t stop thinking about a week—or even a month—ago.

But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously)

 “Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.” —Madonna

If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix, and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them.

Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best, and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex and onto better things like the hot guy you’re hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.

The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory, which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian wax technician isn’t particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there.

Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.

The Boyfriend Mourning Formula:

If You Dated For Under A Year:

(The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x = weeks to get over him.

Example: You fell out of love. So you’re basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you’re ready to move on.

Second Example: You were together for nine months, you loved him and he broke your heart. 5x=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a maximum. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.

If You Dated For 1-3 Years:

You have six months to one year. You’re allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that’s it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.

If You Dated For Over Three Years:

You have one year and that’s it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can’t stop your eggs from aging.

But don’t ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don’t forget, you’re a betch. Don’t make us look bad.

Eventually the sadness will subside and you’ll be able to think clearly. Make it a point to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a f*cking new memory with your besties.

Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it’s fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can’t ever get back), then congrats because you are so over it.

Other Signs You Are Over It

Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.

You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don’t mean a one-night stand.

Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don’t discourage it. But don’t assume that just because you f*cked someone else, you’re through the mourning process. Hook up for yourself, don’t do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly), and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn’t come).

However, if you didn’t have closure to your relationship, that’s an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things.

When this happens, you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with a cab driver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser. The name of the game is replay, reconsider and repeat. (Yes, it’s a play on lather, rinse, repeat.) Unless you’re dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s).

Now think of that dirt you’re removing like the guy you’re seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can’t, keep repeating, Betch. He’s bound to get out of your hair eventually.

Step One: Replay

Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship’s demise.

When you were saying, “I’m having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I’m just tricking you into a relationship?”

Step Two: Reconsider

Now that you’ve seen his perspective, it’s time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication.

Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn’t really know him, and he didn’t know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they’re like, What’s he look like again? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there’s your side, his side, and the truth?”

Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You’re not a 45-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don’t need to lie to yourself.

Step Three: Repeat

Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren’t right for each other and, more important, he wasn’t right for you.

So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant, and you accept the fact that you don’t even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullsh*t he will have to say.

You’re a betch, so you’re pretty f*cking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty f*cking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn’t entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn’t cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you’ll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time.

Unless he like, died—then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t dumped and like, see a real therapist.

What Would Karen Do?

The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then Google “how to hack into Snapchat’s database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.”

After she sees “Results Not Found,” she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you.

She will storm away, feeling offended for about five minutes. When she gets home, she’ll troll Tinder until she finds him, will take a screenshot, send it to him and say, “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN’T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?”

He will not respond. She’ll think, he probs just didn’t get the text.

Dear Betch, 

Everybody says I’m young looking for my age. I’m 50. The trouble is, I’m seeing a lovely man who’s the same age as me.  He doesn’t look young for his age.  This doesn’t bother me.  I know it will bother other people and they will judge me‚—badly! They will say I’m desperate and be disgusted.  My daughter has met him a few times. She says he’s rugged because he’s a heavy smoker. This sounds petty, but it’s really worrying me. I’m giving a false name, Suzie.

Dear Babyface,

Thanks, but I didn’t even need the fake name. First, I would like to commend you for reading such a hip young site at your age. Share it with your family. Share it with your friends. Share it with your daughter and her friends.

Anyway, I think you’re looking at this all wrong. Nobody’s going to judge you for dating a man who looks older than you—in fact, they would probably think he’s a stud for dating someone who appears younger (and therefore I assume hotter) than him. You say you “know” it will bother other people and they will judge you, and they “will” say you’re desperate and they “will” be disgusted, but how do you know that? Has that even happened? I’m half your age but it doesn’t even sound realistic to me. Unless you actually ARE 25 and dating a 50-year-old, then yeah, people will judge you and call you a gold digger FOR SURE. But if you’re the same age, who cares? Focus on yourself and your relationship.

By the way, as a fellow babyface myself, please respond back and let me know what life is like at 50. Is looking 30 when you’re 50 everything it’s cracked up to be? I need to know.

Asking For A Friend (And That Friend Is Me),

The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

This week has been crazy. I found out that I can graduate a year early with no minor or a semester early with a betchy BS minor or double major in something useful and graduate on time. Of course I go to a bug state party school but also hard af to get into. Like my major is marketing so not the toughest business major but not journalism. Obviously, I don’t want to graduate because I don’t want to be classified as an alcoholic. duh. I really don’t think I’m ready to give up cheap liquor and dumb fraternity boys, but I was also just elected to be on standards or my sorority aka I have to be boring now. But, maybe getting hired with a Master’s could be cool idk. Are there cute boys in grad school? The real problem is that my dad doesn’t love me enough and is only paying for four years of useful college. Of course, I called my dad in tears and he basically told me to grow up and make a decision on my own or go to grad school. Like i really just don’t know on this one. Graduate early and get another degree that my dad will help pay for or try and take BS classes and graduate with my class. Or do I double major bc is that betchy? Or should I change my major to MIS where all the smart frat boys are at? Oh and I’m no where near that MRS. degree bc apparently I like to have too much fun.

Sincerely,

Should Have Gone for the MRS
 

Dear Embodiment Of Every Millennial Stereotype,

Yeah, I know you asked for the Head Pro but you got me instead. Surprise, bitch. So I’m super confused how you got from “graduating early” to “graduating with a Master’s.” Honestly I hope this letter is satire because you sound so unbelievably spoiled it almost makes me want to go back in time and somehow be a part of the Baby Boomer generation. Your dad is paying for four years of college, you should basically kiss his feet (or maybe something, IDK, less like what Ivanka Trump would do). Anyway, point is, your dad is right af; you need to grow up and make a decision for your future. Personally I would stay in college for 4 years and milk it if dad’s paying, but IDK. Given that you’re actually considering changing your major to be with “all the smart frat boys” (vom, are you serious?) I think maybe you need to like, drop out of college and take a job in the mines so you can learn some maturity and the value of a dollar.

Stay In School & Don’t Do Drugs,

The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

So basically I’ve never been single for more than 2 months since sixth grade (I’m now in my second year of university). I just broke things off, about a month ago, with my boyfriend I’ve been with for the past 4 years because I wanted to experience being single and just focus on myself.

A couple of months ago, one of my good friends (let’s call him Nick) introduced me to his cousin (Luke) because we all had the same classes together. At first I thought he could be gay just because of the stereotypical signs he gave, I know that’s wrong. But anyway, I started to feel sexual attraction towards him and eventually an emotional connection, creating more of a reason to break up with my boyfriend.

About a week after breaking up with him, I asked Luke how he felt about friends with benefits and he said it sounded like fun. I knew he was a virgin and actually never really hooked up with a lot of girls before so I’d have to take initiative here. I asked him if he wanted to study at his place and he accepted. I made my move that day and kissed him. Things started heating up and before I knew it, we were in his bed.

There was one problem.. He couldn’t get it up.

I was mortified because that’s never happened to a guy I was with and I thought he wasn’t attracted to me. After I left his place, I couldn’t help but wonder if he actually was gay. I needed to know for sure, so I made the effort to continue hooking up with him (each time he could barely keep it up long enough to have sex, but we did manage to do it once.. granted it wasn’t the best sex of my life. That plan failed because I still have no idea what’s wrong.

I told all of this to one of my close friends and she said that Nick would be the better match for me, which got me thinking. I realized that Nick is a really sweet guy and I might actually have feelings for him but I know it’s so wrong because I was hooking up with his cousin.

How do I stop myself from going guy to guy?

xoxo,

Accidentally in Lust

Dear Ann Perkins,

Y’all have got me fucked up. “How do I stop myself from going guy to guy?” – You just fucking don’t do it. End of story. It’s not that hard. Get some therapy if you need help realizing it’s okay to *actually* be by yourself. The world won’t end. Your uterus won’t dry up. I know it seems like a strange concept because you literally have not been single since childhood (sidenote: who are you people and how do you find a constant stream of men to date), but I promise you: you will be fine. Being single is actually fun. And for the record, just because a guy can’t get it up doesn’t mean he’s gay. He could be nervous. Or tired. There are literally a million reasons, aside from his sexuality, that he could have trouble staying hard.

Also, WTF, the way to find out someone’s sexuality (which really wasn’t/isn’t any of your business even though you made it your business) is not to “keep hooking up with them to see what happens.” That’s like, not very cool.

Bottom line is, if you don’t want to hook up with someone … don’t. I really have no additional advice for you. Sorry. Come to me with a real problem and then maybe I can offer real advice.

Bye.

Head Pro would never make you suffer the indignity of being turned down for a blowjob. Email him your most pressing questions (dating or otherwise) to [email protected]. For the same Head Pro advice with less public humiliation, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies.

Dear Head Pro,

Long story short I got absolutely obliterated and started talking to a guy I barely knew in the club. This talking turned into dancing, and then somehow I went full prostitute on him and started sucking his face (not even kissing) front and centre in the middle of the fuckin club.

Brought him home. He started initiating sex and I told him we couldn’t have sex b/c I was on my period (why the fuck did I bring him home). We spent the rest of the night talking. I found out he was a virgin, so I OFFERED TO SUCK HIS DICK (b/c he looked really embarrassed and I felt bad but seriously wtf), which he then POLITELY DECLINED.

We talked a bit more, for whatever reason I told him about a recent past hookup with a guy he knows (FUCK ME). End of story, we fell asleep, talked a bit in the morning then he left.

He’s a nice guy and always says hi to me, but that’s just the way he is. I’ve heard he’s lost his virginity and since been racking up girls but apparently tells all his friends he really wants a girlfriend. He has gorgeous girls around him all the time b/c he is insanely nice and funny. What’s sad is for whatever reason I cannot stop thinking about this kid. He is the first guy I have liked in a long time and I barely know him, and I feel like I ruined any chance I ever had with him.

Two things I need from this:

1) How do I fix things so that I could potentially maybe have another shot with this guy? Like do I apologize for publicly humiliating both of us?
2) If I’ve ruined everything and this will never happen again, how do I get over someone I was never even with?

This is my rock bottom please help me get back up. Thank you and pray that I wake up tomorrow a little less of a loser.

Loser

Dear Loser,

1) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2) Just keep offering to slob knobs until someone takes you up on it.

(But seriously, you just want what you can’t have, and to make things worse he’s now flaunting his awesomeness. Continue to delete him from your digital life and get on with it)

Losing his virginity riding the crimson wave would have been worth it for the story,

Head Pro

Hello Head Pro!

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months, everything seems pretty good. We’re not in a relationship because it’s too soon for him, but I’m alright waiting as I don’t want to dive in too soon either.

Anyway, I’ve noticed lately that he’s not too interested in my feelings or emotional stuff…hard to explain. For example, if I text him saying I’m feeling a bit low or having a bad day, he won’t respond for hours (but he will have been online, Whatsapp: destroying women’s sanity since god knows when!) and when he does respond it will be about something else. I’m not expecting him to shower me with adoration or anything, but it’s not hard to say something short and sweet, is it?

So the way he’s acting is making me feel like I’m being lead on or that he isn’t that into me as a person and it’s making me feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle! I have asked him if he’s interested in a relationship with me down the line and if he’s into me for me and not just sex and on both counts he’s said yes and seemed pretty genuine, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

Thanks!
Anxious and Hating Double Blue Ticks

Dear Why Denigrate The Blue Tick, The Noblest Of Tick Species?,

Fuck me, I WISH I had the balls some of these dudes have. In past situations where girls asked me if I was interested in a relationship, I’d just be like “nah, I’m good.” That would be it, and I’d just find someplace else to get my pencil wet. But if I knew I could just give a noncommittal “sure,” like my boss was asking me for help on a project I had no intention of doing, and girls would STILL sleep with me? Goddamn. I gotta keep this in mind.

Anywhere, there’s your problem. The phrase “I could see a relationship with you, but I’m not ready for one right now” is HORSESHIT. It’s a longer way of saying “I’m only doing this because you let me have sex with you.” I’m not saying it’s not real if you don’t get engaged on the third date, or that “are we/aren’t we” situations aren’t common, but typically if people like each other, and they like having sex with each other, they don’t waste much time making some kind of commitment, however small.

Basically, he doesn’t ask about your feelings because he doesn’t care, because he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. Whether you genuinely aren’t “ready” for a relationship yet or are deluding yourself is actually kind of immaterial at this point.

I don’t know what Whatsapp is,

Head Pro

Head Pro would never make you suffer the indignity of being turned down for a blowjob. Email him your most pressing questions (dating or otherwise) to [email protected]. For the same Head Pro advice with less public humiliation, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies.