The Week Of Realizing Things: Weekly Horoscopes July 13-17

If you were looking for an excuse to skip work this week, maybe the planets can help out. It’s probably a better mental exercise to throw out your phone, stop looking at the internet, and just sit quietly on your patio until everyone wears a mask, Trump stops tweeting and the Karens of the world crawl back into their Live Laugh Love-adorned homes. If that isn’t an option, though, and you still need to pretend to be a functioning member of society, allow the universe to provide some vague clues as to what’s in store.

Cancer

Get ready for the emo feels, Cancer. The moon, your ruler, is taking you on a rollercoaster of emotions this week, so get ready to overreact to everything. Pizza didn’t reheat correctly? Breakdown. Boss unknowingly unmuted you while you farted on that Zoom call? Instant tears. Mom not answering your call while you’re bored? Anxiety attack. Oh, and be careful toward Thursday and Friday, when you’re likely to come THIIIIS close to telling your director to shove it.

Leo

The sun is making your work-life mental balance a breeze this week, Leo. Take the opportunity and tackle a work project and home DIY project that’s been sitting on your to-do list for like, a while. If work takes the wind out of your sails by Tuesday, though, it’s okay to be a little less gung-ho and tackle something easier, like making dinner for yourself instead of ordering out again. Regardless, the planets will def be on your side.

Virgo

It’s all about learning this week, Virgo. Your work life may benefit from your need to soak up awesomeness and new skills this week, so make sure you’re reminding everyone what a valuable asset you are to the team. It could be as simple as learning how to Photoshop better or as difficult as mastering crystal reporting in Excel. Whatever the case, you’ll sail through this week ready to celebrate how great you are by the weekend.

Libra

The moon and Venus are in the perfect place for you to push boundaries this week, Libra, but less in a rock-the-boat way and more in a happy adventure sort of way. Like, it could be a great week to talk up your latest project with your boss and be rewarded because of it (maybe even with money!). It could also be a great opportunity to challenge your partner to try that new, kinda weird thing in bed. Sure, it’s a Wednesday night and he might be tired, but I’m pretty sure if you couch it the right way, safely exploring new frontiers shouldn’t be a hard sell.

Scorpio

It may be an emotionally tense week, Scorpio. Relationships may feel confusing and murky, so don’t feel bad if you and your S.O. are clashing more than usual. Like, should you have a screaming match over dishes in the sink or finding dirty, crusty socks in the couch? No, but the planets make us do weird sh*t sometimes.

Sagittarius

Money is on the horizon this week, Sagittarius, so it’s a great time to get your spending under control and your budget in order. Try to focus on the future, and not on things you think you want right now. The end of the week will put the onus on your relationships, so get ready to feel extra connected to your loved ones (even if you can’t see them IRL ATM).

Capricorn

You’re going to feel a pull to get serious this week, Capricorn. It could be about your future, about a relationship, or about your career. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to speak your mind and ask for what you want. Time that sh*t for the end of the week, though, because the moon is being a non-communicative asshole before then. F*cking planets.

Aquarius

Give in to the romance this week, Aquarius. Normally, the workweek doesn’t feel like the ideal time to explore intimacy, but Venus will be all about it Monday through Friday. Take time for some stimulating convos, indulging in sh*t you both enjoy, and lots of sexy time. If you’re single, use this week to explore what you’re truly looking for in a relationship. Sounds crazy, but actually understanding what you want may save you a lot of time, heartache, and sh*tty dates.

Pisces

It’s all about the warm and fuzzies this week, Pisces. FaceTime your mom and recount all of your fav old family stories, or fire up the grill with dad via Zoom so he can yell at you for flipping the burgers one too many times. Connecting with those closest to you will leave you feeling refreshed and renewed as you head into the weekend.

Aries

Rewards may be on the horizon, Aries. Lean in and make the most of it, and by that we mean once your boss says “good job on that PowerPoint/staying awake on that Zoom call/putting on pants for work today,” it’s time to treat yourself with an after-office-hours margarita and some terrible TV. You earned it.

Taurus

The moon and Uranus are all like, “switch it up, Taurus.” And you’re all like, “meh.” But, if you want this week to be productive, change up your routine a little. Maybe instead of hitting snooze four times before rolling into the ol’ home office, get up early two of five days for morning yoga or jogging. Or just try it once and tell everyone about it. Toward the end of the week, your foray into changing things up could actually give your romantic life a boost, too.

Gemini

The COVID times have made it difficult to connect with your loved ones, Gemini, but this week you’ll feel more at peace with the current state of sh*t than usual. It could be a call with your mom or a beer with a sibling that helps break up the monotony. Whatever the case, use the emotional boost from your fam to push through and get to the f*cking weekend.

Images: Giphy (12)

Blame Mercury Being In Retrograde For F*cking Up Your Life: Your Weekly Horoscopes

We all know that your birthday is, like, a total national holiday. But it also determines your fate if you buy into all of this astrology stuff (which you should). So you better check your weekly horoscope, because being unprepared for this week won’t look cute on you.

We get it, Mercury is literally in retrograde and so is your life and you probs think this week is going to be a total nightmare. So like, maybe you’re right. Or maybe you’ll be the betch who gets by without breaking a nail. You could also be that betch who spills coffee on her new pumps and forgets her umbrella before a huge downpour. Whatever your fate may be, it’s Monday, and I’m telling you this week is gonna be a long one. But who knows, maybe that Bumble match you forgot about from last Thursday will look better after he shaves? Better check to be safe so you don’t prematurely cancel that date.

Aries

It’s your best year in over a decade so you better be celebrating your birthday so hard. You’re basically setting the tone for how you want the rest of your year to go. The best advice right now: if someone isn’t totally team you, you need to drop them from the squad. Your motto should be “no fake friends” because you don’t need that negativity in your life as you start to experience your best year yet. Sure, Mercury is in retrograde, but you can handle it.

Fuck A Fake Friend

Taurus

Fucking nothing seems to be going your way right now. I mean, Mercury is in retrograde so you can blame all your bad vibes on that shit. Still, you might be getting a little discouraged thinking 2017 is going to be as bad as 2016. Calm your shit. As you make it closer to your birthday, the Sun will enter your sign and things will seem a whole lot brighter. Just hold on a little bit longer, K?

Gemini

Your relationships (romantic and friendly) seem to be totally fucked at this point. Mercury is in retrograde (lest I say it again) so be ready for a few stupid arguments and fights. You’ll probably do that thing where you become really self aware mid-argument with someone and think “why am I like this?”. It’s okay. All relationships go through rough patches. This doesn’t mean things are going to end. Besides, if your friends/boyfriend can’t deal with you being a little bipolar then they don’t know you very well, do they?

Cancer

Do you find yourself doing a lot more yoga and drinking green shit? That makes sense right now because you’re really in a pattern of trying to better yourself from the inside out. (Like you could build on perfection, am I right?) Anyway, you’re all about the repair right now. It’s a good time for you to repair fractured relationships and/or do a deep condition to your hair because we know those split ends could use some love. Also, if that creep keeps hitting you up for a date on Snapchat you can just be like, “I’m just tryna work on myself right now,” and it won’t even be a lie.

Leo

You might be a little bit dramatic from time to time, making it hard for your friends and family to tell when you’re really passionate about something or just acting up. That’s fine. Not everyone needs to be as excited about your favorite things as you are. Take a quieter approach to focusing on what is important to you this week, as in, maybe don’t post all your workouts on socials if you’re into fitness. (P.S. only proven psychopaths do that.) Just do you and those who really care about you will notice and appreciate your passion.

Virgo

This particular Mercury in retrograde really fucks up your travel plans. Your uber might be late as hell or your train just cannot get its shit together and show up on time. Whatever. On the bright side this week, your efforts to make/save more money this year are starting to show. You’re probs mentally planning on how to spend the extra cash. Keep mulling that decision over; this isn’t the best week to decide where you want to throw that $$$ around.

Libra

Because of the placement of Jupiter right now, you’re really focused on the physical aspects of your life. With swimsuit season right around the corner, you might be feeling like a shitty feminist because you don’t fully accept your body in its current form. Even if sweatpants are all that fits you right now, you can still prioritize physical health to help you get your mental health/really high opinion of yourself back on track.

This T-shirt is basically your get-out-of-jail free card for the entire time Mercury is in retrograde. Buy it here!

My Life Is In Retrograde

Scorpio

Unfortunately, Mercury in retrograde hits you where it sucks the most: at work. Missed appointments, late arrivals and all out mix-ups are in store until this shit storm passes. The good thing though is that nothing crappy that happens this week will have a big effect on the big picture. Like, you won’t get fired for spilling coffee on your keyboard, but you might get made fun of by your work wife. You can handle this week and, if not, just call in sick. Boo, you whore.

Sagittarius

Are you the Olympic torch? Because old flames are not leaving your life any time soon. Mercury in retrograde might be playing with your head when it comes to letting exes slide back into your DMs. Because you should be saying “boy, bye” instead of “yeah, sure come over.” You might want to surround yourself with your best friends who will literally rip the phone out of your hands if you even think about responding to that shit.

Capricorn

Your ambitious side is really coming out to play right now. You have just the right amount of energy to get your shit done and also make time for yourself to have a little but of fun. Your confidence is also pretty decent right now for Mercury being in retrograde and all. Speaking of which, that Mercury thing really won’t fuck up your life too bad this time. Just expect the unexpected in the week ahead.

Aquarius

You’re really thinking about the “big picture” this week. Yet, you’re probably kind of second-guessing yourself and your ability. Blame that plunge in confidence on—you guessed it—Mercury in retrograde. Take a page out of Mindy Kaling’s book, literally, and ask yourself “why not me?” I mean, someone has to land that job or that guy or that scholarship. You probs don’t know what you can achieve if you don’t at least try, right?

Pisces

You have some opportunities opening up this week but the fact that you’re strapped for cash will leave you saying “fuhhh”. Weirdly, Mercury in retrograde kind of helps you out because it resurrects the past. An old hookup might invite you to that concert you actually really wanted to go to but couldn’t afford. Likewise, don’t be afraid to call on old friends who have the free hookups to events; they probably won’t mind you using them a little bit if they have someone to hang out with. If all else fails, you have a dad for a reason. Money please!

Money Please

What kind of fuckboy should you date based on your horoscope? Find out here!
Your Betchy Weekly Horoscopes February 20-26th

Aries

It’s kind of surprising, but you’re going to have like way more enthusiasm towards life this week. You might be jacked on the idea of a new romantic prospect or just really looking forward to spring or some shit. It’s OK to care about stuff this week. Getting your hopes up just a bit is going to serve you well. You’re not in a place to have all your hopes and dreams get crushed, unless you picked really poorly in your Bachelor draft—then you might be SOL by Monday night.

Taurus

You’re not a popcorn hoe, but you do have some ideas popping up this week in that cute little head of yours. Don’t be afraid to start talking about your new innovations; someone higher up than you is going to like what they hear and present you with a great opportunity to put those ideas into plans and actions. Keep your head on a swivel on Wednesday, though. A Taylor Swift-level snake is trying to sabotage you somehow. Worst of all, you thought this betch was a solid part of your squad. Damn

Gemini

The first part of the week is actually looking pretty peachy for you, but be cautious midweek as someone you’re definitely pretty close to is trying to steal some of your good vibes. There’s a power struggle in store with someone you consider to be an equal, but obvi they see you as kind of a threat. I mean, can you blame them? No. Maybe a sorority sister or coworker is trying to grab some authority over you. Just charm you way out of it because it’s really not worth engaging. Don’t try to put them in your place; your chill demeanor will inspire someone else to come to your defense.

Cancer

You definitely consider yourself pretty woke, but this week it’s time to step out of your comfort zone. We know your socials aren’t really a sounding board, they’re more of an echo chamber because you’ve already unfollowed everyone you don’t agree with. Take a sec this week to talk to someone or read something (that isn’t #fakenews) that presents a different perspective. Someone really important is going to be impressed by your educated and reasonable opinion the next time a controversial subject is brought up.

Leo

The Leo betch has been having a case of the struggles this year, but this is the month you really start to crawl out of that patter and reclaim your status as Queen. It’s generally not your style, but it’s okay to stay low-key this week and not let that inner lion roar. Everyone else is kind of preoccupied will all the political controversy. You’ll be rewarded for not joining in on the conversation. Have an opinion for sure, just don’t voice it while everyone else is super eager to bite your head off no matter what you say.

Virgo

You’re still in that shitty period of time where you need more sleep. Sure, you probably feel like a lame ass at home catching up on your zzz’s while everyone else is out acting like they’re having a good time. Actually, staying home is serving you well because you’re ducking out of some friend group drama that you don’t really need in your life right now. Once this sleepy period is over, you’ll be back in the game and fired up for spring—even more so than the rest of your friends.

Libra

You’ve been watching so much HGTV lately and the organizational bug has bitten you hard. You feel like you really need to get organized and get your shit together over the next four weeks. Cleaning up some of your clutter is going to clear up your mind. Like, don’t throw out important shit just because it doesn’t “spark joy” (You still need your tax papers and shit, sorry), but take a second to donate clothes you don’t wear, then reward yourself with new ones. Also, all that clarity is going to bring good vibes your way and ignite a new romance.

Scorpio

OK, Scorpio bestches win horoscope of the week. Lucky bastards. The next four weeks bring popularity, joy, success, and romance. Not only are you going to be living your best life, you’ll be more inspired to put others in a good mood too. People are going to love you so much more. Take it upon yourself to be the group activity organizer this week. Your friends could use a girls night or just a chance to whine with some wine.

Sagittarius

You’re feeling kind of secretive and sneaky this week. Not that you’re trying to be sketch and hide stuff from your friends on purpose, you just want to reveal things on a need to know basis. You feel like blurting out your good news is going to ruin it somehow. As long as you aren’t like sleeping with a married dude or banging your friend’s bf, keeping your lips sealed is not going to cause any problems. It might be the best plan of action because some of the other signs are having a rough go of it and won’t be able to focus on you this week in a way you deserve anyway.

Capricorn

Your fast-paced month continues this week, which isn’t all bad. I mean, you might feel like an over-caffeinated Gilmore Girl on the inside, but others still find you charming. So, less annoying than a Gilmore Girl, for sure. The rough patch this week will come on Wednesday when you’ll experience a mechanical failure of some sort. Your printer could jam before a paper is due, you car might stall on your way to work. Just try to plan ahead as well as possible to avoid the problems. If all else fails, call your dad to fix your life for you. Problem solved.

Aquarius

You’re kind of in a panic lately because you feel like you could be making the wrong choices to live your best life. I mean, no one wants to wake up at 90 and realize you wasted a bunch of time on shit you didn’t care about. First of all, drink some wine and just chill. You’re going through a phase. Give your current situation some time to breathe this week before you make any rash decisions. If you feel this same way in April, then start working on a plan to make some more drastic changes.

Pisces

Get pumped, the Sun continues to be in your sign for the next four weeks. It’s pretty much smooth sailing for you in the week ahead. You might have some blasts from the past blowing up your phone in the next week, though. Even though the attention is nice, don’t be afraid to hit them with a “boy bye” if they’re being just too weird and clingy. No shame in flirting and sending a few cute snaps if you don’t mind the added interactions in your daily schedule. Stay away from dudes that have girlfriends, though. If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you and you’re much better than that. #redflags

Your Betchy Weekly Horoscopes February 13-19th

Aries

50 Shades of Grey

You’re taking a page out of the Leo betch’s playbook this week and really showing your strong and aggressive side. Maybe it’s just because you saw 50 Shades over the weekend, but you’re really in the mood to dominate. Um, that could be a good or bad thing, depending on who you ask. Your SO is going to think that’s a great thing, those who have to work with you might think you need to take a chill pill and stop trying to micromanage. Work on finding a balance this week.

Taurus

Fuck A Fake Friend

The next month is going to be like, a really popular time for you. I mean, you’re usually rolling in social invitations, but the people you most want to notice you will definitely start paying more attention in the next four weeks. The bad news, though, is someone that you thought totally had your back is going to show their true colors. This fake friend might not be as loyal as you thought, especially when it comes to being happy for you when things work out. Look out for the person who doesn’t hug you when you tell them you got a promotion or raise. Watch your back, betch.

Gemini

Road Trip

2017 is your year for vacation. Even if you don’t have a trip planned right now, just trust. This is your horoscope after all, so it’s totally accurate, like a fortune cookie. Anyway, you’re all about partying and exploring all year long, but it’s especially important that you kick off this epic year with a really relaxing pre-summer trip. Even if you’re, like, too old for an actual spring break, you need to put yourself first and plan a little something, even if it’s just for a few days and to somewhere close by. Make those plans this week and your trip will go off without a hitch.

Cancer

Smart

You’re weirdly hungry for knowledge right now. Like, you want to stay #woke and, like Kylie Jenner, you just want to realize stuff. Maybe you’re trying your hand at a new skill or taking on new responsibilities at work. Good for you. As long as you don’t run your mouth all the time about how great you’re doing at being the best, other people will take notice of how well you’re getting the hang of things. You’ll be rewarded for your efforts. Pro Tip: Having a working knowledge of current events will also come in handy this week.

Leo

Lemonade

Mercury is opposite your sign this month. That means you’ll be needing some extra TLC and someone to lean on. For some reason, you’re just not feeling like your voice is being heard, no matter how many Snapchat rants you go on. Cool it with the PDFs, public displays of frustration. Instead, call your mom and dad or some shit. They love to hear from you and think you’re always right. Your friends might be good for short chats, but everyone is kind of busy right now. Don’t think they’re being rude; they just won’t care as much as your parents will, and you need some actual advice, not just a pep talk and a shot (which your besties are still good for, btw).

Virgo

Nap

You’re the unlucky sign this week that loses the Sun. The Sun moves opposite your sign this week so you’ll need more sleep for the next four weeks. This is kind of an inopportune time for you because you have a lot of shit to do. Start making lists and setting priorities this week so you don’t space out on anything that’s actually important. Also, don’t flake out on your social obligations even though you’re sleepy. You can nap when you’re dead.

Libra

Working Out

Sure, you’ve kind of let the diet and exercise slip lately because it’s fucking winter and you needed to stay warm, right? Well, the forecast calls for more sunshine and you getting off your ass this week. You’ll find some unexpected motivation to start making your health a priority again. It is all about health (right?), and not just how you look in a bikini top and cut-offs. Anyway, recruit one of your friends to take a new gym class. You need a change of scenery, in the mirror and with your surroundings, anyway.

Scorpio

Rihanna

This is your time to fucking shine, as RiRi would say, bright like a diamond. The next four weeks bring The Sun to your sign, meaning you’re open to parties, vacations and a lot of great attention. You’re also charming as shit right now so it’s time that you schmooze the pants off of people in this window of time. No bad news here, Scorpio, just enjoy it while it lasts.

Sagittarius

One On One Tee

(Psttt buy this tee here.)

The weather isn’t great, it feels like the world is crumbling around you, and you just want to wear sweatpants and hide in a blanket cocoon. Don’t worry, betch. We’ve all been there. Bad news though, you have to put your big girl pants on and keep on keeping on, even when you want to hide at home. You’re def going through a phase this week, but by next week you’ll start to come out of it. Besides, you’ve watched everything decent on Netflix by now anyway.

Capricorn

Noticed

You might as well be Kellyanne Conway, because it feels like you’re fucking everywhere right now. (She’s an Aquarius, BTW, not a Capricorn.) Anyway, not only does it feel like you’re running in a bunch of different directions, it also feels like you’re especially visible to those around you. Is it just me, or did your like count on Instagram just get a boost recently? Anyway, try not to shy away from the limelight this week; you’re getting noticed for a reason.

Aquarius

You’ve got the power! OK, not just this month, but basically all year. You’re feeling like you’re at your most powerful and able to accomplish the shit you actually need to get done. That’s good news, especially at a time when many of the other signs are slacking. Continue to seek out ways to control your life a little bit better. Write shit down. Use your calendar. Let people know who’s boss when they get out of line. Keep up that IDFWU attitude and your next four weeks will be smooth sailing.

Pisces

Last week you took an L, but this week you bounce back. Your birthday is approaching, and you’re in for pleasant surprises as that day draws closer. You’re feeling a little extra flirtatious, and it’s not just because all the Valentine’s Day decorations are really in your face. Take a chance and invite your love interest to your birthday party or something. The risky moves you make now will have big payoffs when all the celebrating is said and done.