Remember Lil Xan? Even though it feels like it’s been decades, it’s been less than six months since his dramatic breakup with Noah Cyrus. Feel old yet? I have food that’s been in the back of my fridge longer than that, but Lil Xan’s life has changed a lot since September. He overdosed on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and had to go to the hospital, which was an unforgettable cultural moment. More recently, though, he got a new girlfriend, got engaged to that girlfriend, and now he announced that they’re expecting a child together. Thanks, I hate it.
Right off the bat, there are some major red flags here. First of all, Annie Smith, his new fiancée, is only 18 years old. Xan is 22, so it’s not like, the world’s most problematic age gap—especially considering that he looks like a perpetually high 12-year-old—but truly no one who just graduated high school needs to be getting married or having babies. There, I said it! Here, everybody take some rubbers.
Xan and Annie (their celeb couple name is Xannie; I have decreed it) have also known each other for, like, all of five minutes. Lil Xan said they’ve been talking about getting married “forever,” but if your definition of forever is less than six months, you’re not ready to bring a child into this world.
So yeah, I was way less than convinced about the relationship in the first place, and then last week, Lil Xan blessed our timelines with this major announcement:
Oh lord, someone call Marie Kondo, because this is a goddamn mess. First of all, I really can’t with the broken heart emojis. I know it’s like, his signature thing or whatever, but I need it to stop. I’ll give them a pass on the disgusting matching brown sweatshirts, but I have more issues with the caption itself. Xan quickly says that he’s going to be a father, but then moves on to some shameless promotion for his new album. No Instagram caption should contain both a baby announcement and a reference to YouTube Space. You only get one or the other, that’s the rule.
This announcement was enough to give me hives, but now there’s been another amazing plot twist. Last Friday, Annie posted a vlog on her YouTube channel that included her and Xan seeing ultrasound photos of their baby for the first time. I’ll put the video here, in case you have way too much free time:
First of all, why are they already telling the world she’s pregnant at nine weeks? I’m no pregnancy expert, but I can feel my mom’s disapproval from 1,000 miles away. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t get through the whole thing, but viewers who were a little more attentive than me took note of some interesting things in the video. Namely, that the ultrasound photo in the video is an exact match for a random ultrasound photo that someone found on Google Images from 2009. Y’all, I’m done. If you’re skeptical, go do a Google Image search for “9 week ultrasound” right now. I just did, and this photo is the seventh result that comes up. You guys, they didn’t even try!
Here’s the GAG! People believe that @lilxanfuhyobih and Annie are lying about being pregnant because apparently in her recent YouTube video she shows the 9 week ultrasound picture and people found the exact same one on google from 2009 pic.twitter.com/SM2KSbly1x
— MessyMonday (@MESSYMONDAY) February 23, 2019
So… are Lil Xan and his fiancée faking this pregnancy? Unclear, but I don’t believe that this is a photo of whatever is growing in her uterus right now. It’s not apparent what reason they would have to literally make up a pregnancy, unless they have an elaborate scheme à la Baby Mama that’s ultimately going to benefit his career in some way. This actually sounds like it could be a hoax, but these two are definitely not smart enough to get away with it. What I do know is that I am now fully hooked into this story. Just when I was starting to think that I might have dreamt up Lil Xan after having a little too much to drink, he’s pulled me back in.
Images: messymonday / Twitter; xanxiety / Instagram; Annie Compton Smith / Youtube
As your trusted pop culture correspondent, it’s my job to stay up-to-date with all the important happenings in Hollywood, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes, a story comes across my desk that just makes me feel old. This is one of those times. Today, I’m here to educate you on the newest, trendiest couple in the celeb-verse, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan. Who? What? Why? I share all of these questions, but we’re going to get through this together. Who are Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan, why do people care about them, and should I? Stay with me, and all will be revealed. And yes, to answer your next question, we are all ancient.
Noah Cyrus
We’ll start with the easiest part to understand. Noah Cyrus is Miley Cyrus’ younger sister, and she does music. She’s only 18 years old, but I would honestly believe it if you told me she was 35. She has an interesting look. She looks like if you turned Miley Cyrus into a porcelain doll, dyed her hair black, and then just like, stretched her out a little bit, but not in a bad way? If that sounds mean, I’ll just say that she looks a lot like Miley (which is a compliment), and way better than Lil Xan. But we’ll get to him in a minute.
Noah started out as a child actor, mostly just appearing in shows and movies for kids, including as a backup dancer in The Hannah Montana Movie. Wonder how she got that job. In 2016, Noah pivoted to a career in music, and since then she’s released a handful of singles that are at least mildly catchy. She’s making the same kind of moody, chill pop music as a million other 18/19-year-old girls right now (Madison Beer, Sabrina Carpenter, Carlie Hanson, Bea Miller, not that I’m into this sort of thing).
Lil Xan
*As I sat there, staring at Lil Xan’s Instagram and thinking about the college degree that I have, I couldn’t help but wonder, do I have to?*
Here I am, doing what needs to be done. Lil Xan (real name Diego Leanos) is a 21-year-old from outside of LA, and he’s one of those special humans that we like to call SoundCloud rappers. Basically, that means that he has face tattoos and has probably done a lot of drugs in his parents’ basement. He actually used to sell drugs, but now he’s anti-drugs. This might seem ironic, considering that he’s literally named after Xanax, but he’s talked about changing his stage name to Diego. Unclear if that’s actually going to happen, but I won’t hold my breath.
Lil Xan released his first album, Total Xanarchy, in April of this year, and the reviews were less than glowing. In The Guardian’s official review, Ben Beaumont-Thomas said that “I can confidently report that there are no good lyrics on this album.” Yikes. The album has 16 songs, which is like six too many, and it’s honestly exhausting. He’s no Kendrick Lamar, I’ll just say that.
Noah Cyrus & Lil Xan
Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan went public with their relationship back in July, when they both started posting Instagrams and stories of themselves basically cuddling and making out. It’s fun that more celeb couples are being public these days, but this whole thing feels a little like a bootleg Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Sorry Noah and Xan, but they already won the summer couple game this year. My favorite thing about them going public as a couple is that basically everyone was angry about it. Xan’s fans weren’t happy, Noah’s fans weren’t happy, and I’m still not happy that I even know who these people are. It’s 2018, and we just cannot have nice things.
Much like Pete and Ariana, the timeline of their relationship is really intriguing. The photo above was posted on July 30, and it seems safe to assume that this wasn’t the first day they were dating each other. But let’s take a time machine back to June 20, when Noah dropped a song featuring Tanner Alexander—who was her current boyfriend. Tanner is basically a rando, and it’s very unclear when he and Noah stopped dating, but she clearly moved on quickly. Last week, she and Xan released their first song together, so they’re either in it for the long haul, or they’ll be broken up by the time you read this.
The happy couple made their public debut together last week at the VMAs, and it was a lot. Noah looked good in a gold foil bikini and baggy pants, and Xan was wearing custom Off-White, which I can’t really hate on because I wish I could wear custom Off-White. Except I can kind of hate on it, because it was the VMAs, not Netflix and chill at a random apartment?? Put on some real pants—ok, you’re right, I’m aging myself. Outfits aside, they went viral for red carpet photos where he’s basically smashing his face into hers while she’s posing nicely for the camera.
Wow, this whole thing makes me feel very old. At least now you’ll be able to keep up with the youths in your life when they’re talking about Lil Xan. Thank god. Now please excuse me, I need to go listen to some Aretha Franklin to remember what music is supposed to sound like.
Images: @noahcyrus / Instagram (3); @xanxiety / Instagram
