It’s no secret that sobriety plays a small role in Vanderpump Rules. But while the Vanderpump Rules cast is open about their drinking, we’ve never seen so much as a bong on camera. (We know they’re smoking weed. They’ve all admitted to smoking weed.) This isn’t exactly surprising. But it was a pretty refreshing change when the Vanderpump Rules cast finally opened up a little bit about their use of drugs this season. Too many impressionable youths are watching this show for the cast not to disclose that their 72-hour benders, impossibly tiny figures, and frequent meltdowns are fueled by a little something extra. They’re open about the damage alcohol has caused—I’m glad they’re being open about this too. Here are all the drugs the Vanderpump Rules cast has admitted to taking, not counting drugs they are prescribed, because I don’t want to get my ass in trouble with HIPAA.
Kristen Doute/Stassi Schroeder
Drugs: Adderall, Xanax, marijuana
Kristen and Stassi both made this pretty easy for me. They’ve openly discussed their Adderall and Xanax use—Stassi on camera as well as off. Quick highlight reel of Stassi’s on-screen season 6 drug references: blackout on tequila and Adderall at her birthday party, Xanax and alcohol during the finale. For Kristen, we have her “Xanax and edibles” refrain about her travel anxiety in Mexico, plus some pretty explicit IG stories of late including her smoking a bowl and a collection of her beside prescription bottles. Side note: The Xanax may very well be prescribed. But mixing it with alcohol/other sedatives means they’re def not taking it AS prescribed.
We’ve discussed Stassi’s super scary mixing of alcohol and Xanax at some length. But in case you need a refresher: Side effects of mixing Xanax and alcohol may include: siding with your douchehat boyfriend, inappropriate smiling because you don’t know WTF is going on, and literally dying. Do not do this.
As for the Adderall use, Stassi admits to abusing it to get through long shooting days, keep her weight down, and drink the required amount of alcohol for a reality star without passing out. Ugh. Bravo, take better care of your people.
We all knew that Scheana was a “craaazy pothead”, hence repeating herself every single episode of this season. What I didn’t know is that Scheana was actually sued in 2016 for pot smoke pouring out of her apartment. Yikes. So ya girl does, in fact, smoke. But just in case we weren’t clear enough at this point, she’s also been IG storying what seems to be a weed tour through Hawaii. I guess once the entire internet roasted the use of weed as her excuse for her Robsession, she decided she needed to develop some receipts in a hurry. Which, yeah, if you’re going to claim weed gave you the level of foresight and mental acuity of the cast of Pineapple Express, I’m gonna demand you back that up.
Like Scheana, Lala too has referenced her own weed smoking at some length. Less than you’d expect for someone who claims that Tupac’s “spirit lives inside her,” but some. (I love a good stoner girl, but I can’t help calling Scheana and Lala out here. They’ve always been in that weird guy’s-girl, wannabe-hood zone that aligns itself with exclusively taking two hits for the ‘Gram.) On her horrifying episode of Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald, Lala says she’s quit smoking, and switched to natural remedies. You know, like sucking on a “baba,” or on a dick. Starting to think we disagree on what “natural remedy” means.
Lala, after one hit off a blunt:
Katie and Tom both seem like they’ve been hitting the edibles fairly heavily this season, which Katie admitted to taking before her wedding. Katie specifically mentions going to dispensaries because “they have lots of candies and chocolates and I like to eat the edibles.” And while Schwartz never admits to indulging himself, can we at least agree that he really, really seems like a die-hard stoner? (See: always wearing sandals, no real ambition to speak of, etc.)
Here’s one of my fave Schwartz-HAS-to-be-stoned-here GIFs:
As for the rest of them, James Kennedy talks about having been “first in line” at “all the clubs and clinics” since they let you in when you’re 18. (We get it James, you’re young.) Jax and Brittany have video evidence of them lighting up in an airport bathroom, and Jax mentions that he picked the habit up from Brittany’s parents. Possibly the cutest fact about this couple. We know Ariana smokes as well from the time she referenced “hiding the bong” from Sandoval’s mother. (God, I pay way too much attention to this show.) I don’t have specific evidence for anyone else, but I’d assume Raquel at least needs some kind of memory-reducing drug to have not yet dumped James.
As for the burning question I’m sure you all had: We have no concrete evidence that anyone is doing coke. Plenty of people (Sandoval included) have suggested that Jax has a serious coke problem, but we don’t have any evidence
other than his six nose jobs and everything he says and does on camera. All around, it seems like we’re dealing with a group of semi-stoners, a lot of anxiety disorders (don’t act like you wouldn’t develop one too), and a hopefully waning Adderall problem from the early years. Basically, your sorority pledge class. Celebs, they’re just like us!
Images: Giphy (5)
If you’re not a total airhead, you probably experience a decent amount of anxiety on a daily basis. Maybe your boss is giving you a hard time about leaving at 3pm when you have a 6pm Bumble date (those pre-date shots aren’t going to take themselves), or maybe you’re just shaken by Dean’s ice-cold treatment of Kristina on Paradise. Either way, while I fully endorse your right to take a Xanax and a sick day in these situations,
I’m here science is here to tell you that those anxious feelings are actually basically a superpower.
That’s right: a recent study published in Psychological Science shows that “being high in neuroticism” helps you live longer—or, to put it in their creepy science terms, gives you “a lower likelihood of premature death.”
And to give you even more good news, the way they tested for neuroticism in this study was by seeing how people responded to statements like “I get irritated easily,” “I worry about things,” and “I get stressed out easily.” So, you don’t exactly have to be Larry David to qualify here—and if none of these made you say “yes” out loud at your desk, go out and get a fucking personality. Enjoy your premature death, I guess.
In another hilarious turn of events, the researchers who first got these results were like “shit, we must have done something wrong,” since people have spent years telling you that things like “positive thinking” and “running outside” are the keys to long life, and that your healthy skepticism toward new people and the outdoors the “psychological distress” caused by neuroticism is somehow harmful. So, these researchers rolled up their sleeves (lab coats have sleeves right? I wouldn’t know *hair flip*) and decided “Okay, let’s see if all the neurotic people we tested are also narcs don’t drink or smoke and that’s why they live longer.”
Guess what? The people who possessed this predisposition for immortality (you know what I mean) also were “less likely to eat enough fruits and vegetables or exercise, and more likely to smoke and drink alcohol either every day or nearly every day.” In other words, if you’re not heavily identifying with this trait yet, then
I’m glad you won’t be living as long I’m really not sure what you’re doing on this website. And next time your peppy co-worker tries to sign you up for a half-marathon, you can feel free to tell her to fuck right off—you’re basically just adding five years to your life.
To sum up, put down your sad little salad, pour yourself a drink, and write your psychiatrist a
refill request thank-you note for diagnosing your anxiety. If you need me, I’ll be designing my “Not Neurotic, Just Immortal” Betches tank.