My frustration with women’s magazines is well-documented. However innocent the intention, their constant suggestions of how we can improve ourselves are at best, irritating and at worst, emotionally damaging. Some of the most egregious examples of this are the sex positions offered up by these publications, many of which seem to require the endurance of a marathon runner and the core strength of a yoga master. Because I live to troll am a very serious journalist, I’ve compiled a list of sex positions that need to be canceled yesterday.
1. Doorway Play
This wouldn’t be a proper article on sex positions if I didn’t start with a gem from our friends at Cosmo. They suggest that we simplify standing-up sex by, you guessed it, squatting in a doorway. As one does. To be more specific, “For this pose, have your guy squat with his back against one side of a doorway. His thighs should be parallel to the floor, and he can put his hands behind his lower back for cushioning. Stand facing away from him, spread your legs so they’re on either side of his, and then back up onto his member.” First of all, the word “squat” has no business being a part of any sex position, ever. I only squat in two instances: ehen I have to pee over a questionable toilet, when I am torturing myself working out. Secondly, if I can’t get through the thighs portion of a barre class without resembling a human vibrator, what bro is going to be able to remain in a perennial squat for three minutes an entire sex session? Sex is supposed to be fun, not a gym session masquerading as an earthquake drill. Hard pass.
2. Butter Churner
In case the name wasn’t enticing enough, allow me to paraphrase a position suggested by Women’s Health, of all places. The woman lies on her back with her legs in the air and pointing toward either side of the head. The man then SQUATS (*shudder*) and enters. You can tell that not even the writer of the article suggesting this farce is convinced, because the section telling the reader why it’s great warns that “our neck may get a cramp” and advises you to have your partner “go easy on the thrusts to avoid too much pressure on your upper body.” Hot! Not only will your partner look like a colonial woman on the wing an angry Amish man, if you’re both not super careful you’ll be just one neck spasm away from kickstarting the reboot of Sex Sent Me to the ER!
3. Standing 69
This suggestion by Glamour is the sex position equivalent of two people I despise having a baby. Standing-up sex has never been my thing because I’m extremely lazy busy, and I’m not convinced that people actively choose to 69 anymore (if they ever did). So, the Standing 69 sounds about as necessary as Ivanka Trump’s presence at a meeting of world leaders. If that’s not enough of a deterrent, it requires a level of athleticism that I simply do not possess: “One person stands upright, and the other goes into a handstand while the other holds them. This should allow you both to reach each other’s naughty bits, but you may have to cut it short before all the blood rushes to your head.” I love the casual “goes into a handstand” that they’ve thrown in there, as if it’s as easy as a quick flick of the wrist. For those who don’t have a crippling fear of being upside down, you just have to achieve orgasm before inducing a brain hemorrhage. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
4. The Condom Trick
Okay, so this isn’t technically a sex position, but this one is so absurd that it deserves inclusion on this list. According to the experts at Redbook, you should do the following if the guy you’re with does not want to wear a condom: “Try saying this: ‘But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.’ Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick.” There is so much to unpack here. One, the term we are using nowadays is “sex worker”. More importantly, if you need to use a condom and your partner gives you a hard time, rather than using some weird seduction technique involving the term “old hookers”, you should just make sure you never give him a hard time ever again. Also, I have no earthly idea as to why anyone needs to spend time learning how to put a condom on sans hands. Personally, I’d rather use that time learning another language or, like, how to code, but call me crazy. Finally, this is simply something men can and should do on their own. It’s not enough that we live in a society where we are encouraged to remove every errant hair, wear underwear that rides up our asses, lose weight, and edit our photos to cover up any semblance of an imperfection with makeup; now we have to put the condoms on too? GTFO.
5. The Wanton Wheelbarrow
For a cute take on the classic wheelbarrow position, Cosmo suggests you do a forearm plank while simultaneously lifting one leg in the air as your partner enters you from behind, adding, “because this one requires a degree of balance and stretching ability, you’ll first want to be really careful that nothing hurts or feels off when you do it.” Why these sadists feel the need to make every sex position a thinly veiled bootcamp class is beyond me. I’m all for the idea of sex as a little light cardio, but I’ll save my stretching and balance practice for my ClassPass membership, TYVM. The gym and sex are my church and state, Cosmo, so you can go shave your back now take your suggestions elsewhere. And it’s 2019: everything hurts and feels off.
When it comes to sex, enjoying yourself is paramount. If any of the above sex positions sound appealing, you clearly have several Iron Mans under your belt go for it. If not, there is nothing wrong with sticking to what feels right for you and your partner. Sound off in the comments with any other sex positions you think are extra AF.
Images: Ruslan Zh / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
For some reason, people get bored of having sex. I mean, wtf, it’s just not good enough for you, idk? But they want to overcomplicate shit and invent bizarre things that are not only not at all fun, but also complex, painful, and icky. Who exactly has sex this way? Are you telling me there are people who are down for things like this with people they don’t know? And if you’re in a relationship, you’re excited to do things that don’t even make any logical fucking sense and ruin your sheets? Idk, I don’t get it. Regardless, these below weird sex positions exist, so somebody either is doing them, or thought them up just to troll people like me. But, for the record, I’m not convinced people actually really do this shit. This list is brought to you by Urban Dictionary, and also, my nightmares.
1. Superman (That Ho)
First of all, FIRST OF ALL, are you aware this song was written by a child? A 17-year-old child? K. On that note, Soulja Boy adamantly defends this is not what the song means. I didn’t even know that this is what people think it is, but apparently, supermaning that ho (sidenote: a woman interested in sex is always a ho? Why exactly?) means having anal sex with a woman and orgasming on her back and the sheets get stuck to her, thus looking like a cape. Okay, I feel like this would never happen. 1) Why would it matter whether the sex is anal or vaginal? 2) Exactly how much cum would be needed to physically attach a sheet to someone’s back? and 3) Whose first instinct after orgasming is to stick a sheet on someone and let it chill there, and not just wipe that shit off? Nobody’s, that’s who. Not believing that this actually happens and also, it does sound like something a child who really isn’t having sex with actual women would make up.
2. The Bridge
This is the one where a man bends backwards on the ground, like feet and hands on ground, back arched like you did in middle school gymnastics, and the woman sits on top. I mean, realistically, unless you’re fucking Thor, how long can he possibly stay like this—not to mention, support someone else’s weight on top of him in this position? So cool, it lasts about three seconds. Great job, men. As if you haven’t disappointed us enough. Also, the collision when he inevitably falls must be super fun. I can literally visualize the hospital trip.
3. The Rowboat
Okay, let me paint you a picture. You sit with your legs up and bent, like when you do abs workouts (if you’re doing them correctly). A man also does this. Somehow the P goes in the V. It’s like, the worst and least attractive handshake via legs because really, the angle alone isn’t pretty. This seems like a really great way to accidentally squash a ball and ensure your man is sterile. Otherwise, I can’t imagine a use for this.
4. The Downstroke
This is fucking hilarious. A man stands up and holds his lady upside down, and he somehow penetrates her this way. So, like, if his arms inevitably get tired because you don’t weigh 98 pounds, he not only risks dropping you on your fucking head, but also his dick is still inside you, meaning a broken dick situation and, yet again, hospital trip. I’m going to highly suggest that you do not fucking do this.
5. The Helicopter
K, guy and girl both lying on the ground facing down, ass to ass, yet somehow there is penetration. Unless your guy has a very crooked penis, I’m very unclear as to how this is achieved without injury. I’m gonna go ahead and say don’t do it. It shouldn’t be done. It isn’t done. No one does this. If someone says they do this, they are lying. All I have to say is WHAT the ACTUAL fuck.
Images: Giphy (3)