So now that we’ve all been in isolation for a few weeks, we’ve pretty much lost our f*cking minds. Which means people are starting to do a lot of weird sh*t that usually we would not tolerate for one second, but under the circumstances, is now considered normal. It might be totally fine for literally everyone to post their homemade banana bread on their Instagram story, but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in seeing every step of your morning routine. Enough is enough—here’s all the sh*t you’ve got to stop doing during quarantine.
Going Live On Instagram
I’m not sure how so many people got the confidence to go live on Instagram so often, but I really wish they hadn’t. What could you possibly have to talk about that is so interesting that I deserve to get a dozen notifications telling me you’re going live? We’re all living the exact same f*cking lives right now. Plus, I’ve accidentally tuned into enough of them to know that no one’s watching anyway.
Not Knowing How To Use Zoom
Me: I just did this really hard online escape room
Coworker: you mean our company Zoom meeting?
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) April 13, 2020
We’ve been at this for weeks now, and you still can’t tell whether you’re on mute or not? Please, for f*ck’s sake, just figure it out. Every extra minute spent on a Zoom call because a vacuum was drowning everyone out or because Karen went through her entire presentation before realizing no one could see her screen, is a minute we could’ve spent getting drunk all by ourselves in our own homes on a weekday at 10am.
You know what all the single people quarantining alone asked for? Definitely not for every couple to post their first picture taken together. That’s actually maybe the last thing we could’ve ever wanted. And don’t get me started on the push-up challenge. We’re only a month or so into this thing, and I really don’t want to know what weird sh*t everyone’s going to be posting on Instagram because of a hashtag by the time this is all over.
FaceTiming Without Warning
Just because everyone is technically “available” at all times now doesn’t mean that we’re all prepared to show ourselves on camera without notice. A lot of the rules we usually live by may be out the window right now (or maybe forever? Who the f*ck knows), but if we let everything go by the wayside, society will crumble altogether. So yeah, you’re still gonna need to give a heads up so we can all put on clothes and hide the pile of snacks we were eating before you called.
The Exercise Craze
The workouts I’m not doing starter pack pic.twitter.com/555exXSwsW
— sami fishbein (@samifish1) April 12, 2020
Listen, I get that exercise is like, “good for you,” and we’d all probably go totally stir crazy if we don’t do some sort of regular physical activity. But somehow suddenly everyone is a personal trainer qualified to share their full workout routine every day? Count me the f*ck out. If you want to build a quarantine booty, good for you. If I want to build a booty shaped dent in my couch, that’s my business. And let’s get rid of this whole “don’t gain the quarantine 15” bullsh*t. What your body looks like at the end of this mess should not be the biggest concern.
“If you don’t leave quarantine with a new side hustle, a finished novel, or a new business, you wasted your time.” B*tch, we are in CRISIS. Anyone who manages to fold a single item of clothing during this entire time period deserves to be celebrated for their productivity.
Acting Like An Influencer
It’s not a “set.” It’s a sweatsuit you got at Kohl’s.
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) April 11, 2020
Sure, post a picture of the sourdough you just made, since apparently, we’re all bakers now, and I can maybe handle a post of your “fit of the day.” But that is where the line is drawn. No one asked to see your morning routine, a time-lapse of your workout, or your mildly embarrassing TikTok dances. We did not all become influencers just because we suddenly have no one to talk to but our phone camera.
Hanging Out With Your Friends In Person
If you’re seriously still doing this sh*t, I just wanna talk. Like, have you not been on the internet once in the last month? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation I have for why you’d think it’s still okay to go over to your friend’s apartment, meet up for a group hang at the park, or have someone over for “6-feet-apart drinks.” When everyone’s still in quarantine a year from now, we’re all looking at you.
Obviously, we’re all going
a little crazy totally f*cking nuts, but that doesn’t mean that everything we live by as a society should fall apart. You weren’t an influencer before, and you’re certainly not one now, so let’s all just calm down and try to keep a little bit of our dignity for when we have to start facing each other in person again.
Images: fizkes / Shutterstock.com; sarafcarter, samifish1, jtrain56 / Twitter