Prepare to be shocked and astounded. There is some totally crazy, international political shit going down right now and for the first time in what seems like years, it has nothing to do with the bull in an international relations china shop that is Donald Trump. Instead, we need to briefly shift our focus over to Zimbabwe because their government is getting flipped turned upside down and honestly, maybe we could pick up some pointers on how to overthrow a shitty President. 

WTF Is Going On?

While everyone was sleeping Wednesday morning, an army spokesperson announced on Zimbabwean TV that the military would be conducting an operation to target “criminals” linked to Zimbabwe’s current President Robert Mugabe, who they blame for causing social and economic suffering. Mugabe is currently on house arrest, but less like the bougie Martha Stewart kind, and more like the might-get-wrecked-by-an-army-that-hates-him-if-he-leaves-his-home kind. There are signs of heavy military presence and armored vehicles around the capital, and lines of concerned citizens have been piling up at local banks. The army is vehemently denying that this is a military takeover of government, but if it walks like a coup and quacks like a coup…it’s probably a coup.

Actual footage of Mugabe right now:

But Why Tho?

There are a whole bunch of factors that have been contributing to the military’s fierce opposition of Mugabe over the years, but the basic gist is that the dude is as selfish as he is old. At 93, Mugabe is the world’s oldest living leader, and has been leading the country since it gained independence in 1980. Has this man never heard of retirement? Literally the second I reach an age where retirement is deemed socially acceptable, my old ass is buying a condo next to a beach and taking long naps every day. A few years ago, Mugabe read the complete wrong speech in an embarrassing mix-up, leading many to believe his age was starting to become an obstacle for his leadership (duh). My grandpa is ten years younger than him, and I still need to scream at full volume when he’s sitting right next to me, and even then there’s a 50/50 chance he’s going to catch anything I’m saying.

Not only is Mugabe practically eligible to be an artifact in the Museum of Natural History, but he’s also massively selfish, inconsiderate, and sometimes violent. He is notoriously willing to resort to violence to retain power, and once rejected foreign aid that would have been offered on the condition that he accepts gay marriage in Zimbabwe. So you’d rather watch your people starve to death than see two dudes kiss? Somewhere, Mike Pence is drawing up plans for his Zimbabwean summer home.

For his Super Sweet 92nd birthday party, Mugabe threw a lavish celebration featuring parades, concerts, and parties in his honor, which altogether cost a whopping $800,000. At first glance, I’m all about it. With that kind of money at my disposal, you’d better believe my next birthday would include a vodka fountain and a performance from Beyoncé ft. Blue Ivy and the twins. However, it becomes a lot less cool when you realize that just a few weeks before this celebration, Mugabe himself declared a state of disaster in areas affected by drought and poverty. Instead of using those hundreds of thousands to fund relief and supply food and water to his people, this grade-A ass wipe spent it all on a party where you just know he only invited the popular kids.

As if that wasn’t enough to make the people defriend him, just last week, Mugabe fired his own Vice President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who was widely respected by the military. The firing of his longstanding and loyal VP raised some eyebrows that Mugabe was being shady af and clearing the way so that his wife could succeed him instead. Naturally, Grace Mugabe (52, dang Robert, get it) is apparently just the worst.

First of all, Grace is Mugabe’s second wife, who began an affair with him while his first wife was dying of kidney failure. That is some of the most savagely awful shit I’ve ever heard. I hope the producers of Real Housewives of Zimbabwe are writing her tagline as we speak. The people of Zimbabwe have given her nicknames such as “Gucci Grace” and “DisGrace” (lol clever) thanks to her extravagant shopping trips and habit for spending tons of money on herself as, I’ll repeat again, everyone else in her country is poor and hungry. Now, if someone wants to give me a cool nickname like Balmain Betch, I’m not going to say no. But then that also means I need a rich, powerful husband who can help finance these kinds of shopping trips.  *sets Hinge radius to Wall St*

Why Is This Important?

A coup is a BFD when it comes to the changeover of political power. The military is insisting that they intend to have a bloodless handover of power and resignation from Mugabe, and then they’ll be on their merry way. However, Mugabe is a stubborn betch and refuses to give up his seat for anyone, until the next election rolls around and it’s put to a vote. Right now, things are shockingly calm and quiet for a military takeover, and the army is promising to keep Mugabe’s family safe in their home prison that’s probably filled with expensive things and TVs to keep them occupied. Actually, house arrest doesn’t sound half bad tbh.

Even though military forces are still denying this is a coup about as hard as your fuckboy boyfriend claiming he’s ‘just friends’ with the Instagram model he’s been DMing, things will probably not stay so peaceful for long. Friday, a poster began circulating calling for citizens tor rally on Saturday to “remove Mugabe from power,” stating “We can’t have a 93-year-old person ruling more than 15 million people.” I mean, tru. Savage, but tru.  If Mugabe doesn’t resign peacefully, we’re likely about to see some real juicy action take place. Ok Zimbabwe, now let’s get in formation.

Update (11/20/17):  After failing to comply with a military deadline requestin the president step down (lol as if), Zimbabwe’s ruling party has summoned its represetnatives to discuss impeaching Robert Mugabe. The mlitary had previously given Mugabe until Monday to step down, but he came out on TV Sunday and was like “lol nah fuck that,” so Zimbabwe remains in presidential limbo. We’ll update more as more information arises, but TBH I have a feeling this isn’t going to end well for Mugabe or Grace. I guess I just have a fifth sense about it. 

Update (11/22/17): In a letter to parliament on Wednesday, Robert Mugabe announced that he will resign the presidency and allow a smooth and peaceful transfer of power. He also claimed the decision was “voluntary,” which I believe about as much as I believe in “mutual” brekaups. Emmerson Mnangagwa, who fled to South Africa two weeks ago, has returned to Zimbabwe and is expected to be sworn in as the newpresident on Friday. TBH this whole, coup-to-maybe-impeachment-to-resignation thing seemed pretty chill. Maybe we could get something like that going here? 

FBI – Don’t @ me. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

In case you’ve been too busy not giving a shit about taxes—because honestly, who even understands how they work besides depriving me of my own money—allow us to explain the bombshell of shady dealings that recently leaked called the Bachelor in Paradise Papers. And as Chris Harrison will tell you, these papers are about to be some of the most dramatic leaks in paradise history.

WTF Is A Paradise Paper?

A bunch of journalists just went full Betty Cooper and uncovered a massive amount of document leaks that detail trillions of dollars earned by American companies, celebrity investors, and high-ranking political officials that have been hidden and funneled through offshore havens on remote islands. Basically, they’re hiding money at the local tropical bank next to your fav all-inclusive resort. Trillions is a shit ton of money so, yeah, this can be filed under Big Fucking Deal.

The Paradise Papers get their name because Appleby, my favorite place to drunk eat mozzarella sticks the major law firm assisting in the moving around of funds, is based in Bermuda and uses other paradise-y islands such as the Caymans and the Virgin Islands as places to shift their clients’ earnings so they don’t have to pay income taxes. Appleby helps its clients reduce their tax requirements and hide ownership of things like private jets, yachts, and expensive mansions. Meanwhile, I can’t even successfully hide credit card purchases from my dad, so maybe I should call them.

Who Is Implicated?

Just about every person and company famous for being super fucking rich. From the trademark rights to the Nike swoosh, to Madonna’s share in a medical company and Keira Knightley’s investments in some super random real estate firm, thousands of names were released in association with the use of tax haven islands. The Queen of England’s private estate even invested millions in a Cayman Islands fund previously unknown to the public, so basically she’s reached Olenna Tyrell levels of sneaky bitch. Yas Queen.

U2 lead singer and man who has no idea how to count to four in Spanish, Bono, is the partial owner of a shopping mall in Utena, Lithuania (where?), thanks to his investments in a company based in Malta—which, you guessed it, is also one of those tax haven islands. First of all, did no one question what Bono was doing with a Lithuanian mall or why Keira Knightley is trying to join the Property Brothers? Even I know that sounds shady and I get all of my investigative skills from Olivia Benson.

Apple also got their iHands dirty with a healthy dose of tax avoidance by shifting their profits to Irish subsidiary companies. When questioned about the company’s dealings, Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, insisted that they didn’t just “stash money on a Caribbean Island.” That may be technically true, but they did stash it on an island in the English Channel called Jersey. Savage use of wordplay, Timmy. Cook is definitely the kind of fuckboy who tries to defend his late night Snaps because you said he couldn’t text his exes, but never said anything about Snapchat.

Side note: Anywhere named Jersey should automatically be flagged as a danger zone of probable suspicious activity. Both have shores where stuff is spread around, but on one of them it’s money, and on the other it’s unidentified fluids and STDs. 

Now you didn’t think a scandal would just breeze by without any mention of Trump and Russia, did you? Of fucking course not. A whole bunch of Trump’s friends and colleagues have holdings in offshore accounts, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and key Trump donors, the Mercers and Sheldon Adelson. One member of the Big Cheeto’s merry band of weasels joining the Paradise pregame is Wilbur Ross, Trump’s Secretary of Treasury. Ross invested in a shipping company whose top clients include a Russian firm controlled by someone literally being sanctioned right now, and Putin’s own son-in-law. If we have learned anything from this garbage fire of an administration, it’s to never trust a son-in-law.

Speaking of that creepy doll Adam brought to Bachelor in Paradise Jared Kushner, he’s not walking away scot-free either. A Russian billionaire named Yuri Milner invested an absurd amount of money in Facebook and Twitter, but that investment money came to him from Kremlin backers providing hundreds of millions from government-controlled banks and financial institutions typically used for “potentially strategic deals.” One of Milner’s current investments also includes a real estate venture founded and partly owned by, you guessed it, Daddy-in-Law’s Boy Jared.

Why Should You Care?

Ok, so even though all of that shit sounds shadier than “we’re just friends”, it isn’t necessarily illegal. However, as more Nancy Drew-ing goes down, it’s likely that a dece amount of illegal activity will emerge. As far as uber-rich celebrities go, tax evasion is just kinda fucked up. Like, can you just register your private jet in the country where you actually use it plz?

As for the ties to Russia, that doesn’t bode very well for the whole “no connections between Trump and Putin” lie this administration has been peddling harder than me at SoulCycle the day after Thanksgiving.

With the release of the papers, officials are feeling the pressure to tighten up the very loose loopholes that allow these strategic tax avoidance hacks to happen, and they are considering making it harder to make use of rando offshore companies to hide their money. All I know is, Paradise is a breeding ground for scandal, and I’ll be sitting over here eating my bowl of cheese pasta and waiting for it all to implode.

Congrats fam, we officially made it through week one in Trump’s America. Barely. There’s been a lot going on this week, most of it horrifying and awful. Let’s outline the most important things, because there’s a lot to keep track of. For more news delivered straight to your inbox three times a week, sign up for The ‘Sup.

MEXICO

President Trump has wasted no time getting to work on the Mexico border wall, one of his most consistent campaign promises. He’s still adamant about Mexico paying for the wall, even though the Mexican president is like “fuck no” and even canceled a meeting with Trump.

On Thursday, the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer (he’s a mess and a half) said that the President was considering a 20% tax on imports to pay for the wall. This received immediate backlash from literally everyone (Republicans included), because it would likely raise prices for American consumers and would also be a violation of NAFTA. Not so good. So now they’re not so sure about the tax, but this all boils down to the same point: MEXICO ISN’T PAYING FOR THAT FUCKING WALL. Also, do not fucking come for my tequila and guacamole.

MUSLIMS

During his campaign, Trump talked endlessly about a “Muslim ban” that is probably not actually constitutional at all. Last week, he announced plans to block immigration from seven countries with majority Muslim populations. But don’t worry, it’s not a total Muslim ban. Of course, Trump was careful to exclude the countries he has personal business ties with. This includes Saudi Arabia, even though the majority of the 9/11 terrorists were Saudi. Sounds fair.

Of course, Syria is one of the countries on the list, because God forbid we help some refugees. Trump still says he’ll “absolutely do safe zones in Syria,” but he hasn’t made it a priority to talk about how that might actually happen (hint: it won’t). Protests erupted at JFK and other major airports around the country this weekend when we learned this ban was already being put into effect (that was fast) and those with valid documentation, including green-card holders, were being detained. Trump’s bullshit executive order received another blow Saturday night when a judge in New York granted an emergency stay, temporarily halting the deportation of those being detained. Also, the ACLU is suing him. Sorry Donald, I guess the president can’t just do whatever the fuck he wants. Maybe you should have like…looked that up before taking the job?

VOTER FRAUD

While Trump has spent his first week in office dealing with some major issues, he’s also spent a disturbing amount of time on one of our least pressing issues: popularity and voter fraud. Of course, there’s the clear lie that his inauguration was the most watched ever, but we’re not here to talk about Kellyanne “Lying Ass” Conway and alternative facts.

Trump’s new favorite thing to talk about is voter fraud. He maintains that there were millions of illegal votes cast in the election last November, even though there is literally zero evidence to support this, and HE WON THE FUCKING ELECTION. Basically, his ego can’t handle the fact that he lost the popular vote, so all those extra Hillary votes must have been cast by dead people and illegal immigrants. He’s now promised a “major investigation” into voter fraud, so that should be fun and not at all a waste of time and taxpayer money.

One of his favorite things to bring up is that people are registered to vote in more than one state, which is actually perfectly legal, provided you don’t vote twice. He should really try talking to his daughter Tiffany, who herself is registered in two states. But let’s be real, Tiffany probably doesn’t even have his real phone number.

ABORTION

We hope you all got IUDs before the inauguration, because the next four years are basically going to be a war on your reproductive system. Early last week, Trump reinstated something first done by Ronald Reagan called the Global Gag Order. It’s about as fun as it sounds. Basically, if any organization uses any money to perform or even provide information about abortions, they won’t get any funding from the United States government. This has been standard practice for every Republican president, but Trump has broadened the focus to include any government assistance, not just from the State Department.

This executive order could have a major impact around the world on women’s ability to access safe healthcare and reproductive care. It’s not just about abortions—these organizations will lose funding altogether. To add insult to injury, Trump signed the order surrounded by a half-dozen white men and (you guessed it) zero women. Buckle up ladies, shit’s gonna get rough.

SCIENCE

It’s looking more and more like this presidency will also wage a war on science and knowledge. This is tremendously disturbing, and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. Government Twitter accounts for the Department of Agriculture and the National Parks Service have been ordered to stop tweeting factual information about things like climate change, and some Twitter accounts have been completely shut down.

In one of the better things to happen this week, real MVPs the National Parks, NASA, and more than a dozen agencies have started rogue Twitter accounts, determined to spread truth. Keep fucking shit up, we need people like you.

Last week, Trump also ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to stop giving grants, because like, why protect the environment anyway? What’s the point? It’s not like we all live here, on this planet. The freeze was lifted later in the week, but the fact that it happened in the first place could be a troubling sign of things to come.

THINGS TO COME

We’re just getting started. The Affordable Care Act will be repealed any day now, so go to the doctor while you still can, and who the hell knows what will happen with that border wall? All fun things. Stay strong Betches, we’ll get through this. Maybe. Honestly we’re not even sure anymore.

Sign up for The ‘Sup below!