Yesterday former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar was sentenced to up to 175 years in prison on charges of sexual assault. That is 25 more years than the number of women who testified against this 10/10 creep in the last seven days. Those who watched the trial are familiar with the presiding judge in the case, the Honorable Rosemarie Aquilina, who looks like if Elvira had her own Legally Blonde spinoff. That’s the highest compliment we can make under law, btw.

Judge Aquilina wasn’t going to let Nassar quietly slink away in his jail cell. No, like a true learned betch, she rightly decided to drag his pedophilic abusive ass in front of the courtroom. Here were the highlights.

When She Suggested That She’d Risk Her Job Of Upholding The Law To Make Sure This Dude Suffered.

“Our Constitution does not allow for cruel and unusual punishment. If it did, I have to say, I might allow what he did to all of these beautiful souls—these young women in their childhood—I would allow someone or many people to do to him what he did to others.”

When She Signed His Death Warrant

When handing down his sentence, Judge Aquilina told Nassar “I just signed your death warrant.” I want this woman to be the next Marvel superhero, thank you.

When She Publicly Read His Letter

During sentencing, Judge Aquilina read exceprts of a letter Nassar sent to her in which he blamed media sensationalization for overreacting and called himself a “good doctor.” The best drags are when you don’t have to use any of your own words. She brought the receipts and read them out loud, then literally tossed his words aside like the trash they are.

When She Stated Exactly How Much She Trusted Him

“I wouldn’t send my dogs to you sir.” Honestly, embroider that onto a banner and hang it on the hearth.

When She Reminded Him Of Who He Was Fucking With

“You played on everyone’s vulnerability. I’m not vulnerable. Not to you, not to other criminals. At that podium I swore to uphold the constitution and the law and I am well trained. I know exactly what to do.” Girl, send him to LinkedIn and make him read your resume.

When She Spoke Directly To The Women

It was explicitly clear she wasn’t on Nassar’s side, but just to remind him she had an empowering message for the women who gave testimonies. “You are no longer victims, you are survivors.” Damn. Forget Oprah, I’m backing this woman for president 2020. (Just kidding, love you, Oprah.)

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Remember when your boyfriend made you see Mad Max: Fury Road and you were like, “Okay that was horrifying but I might shave my head now?” Well, that movie is about to happen IRL in Cape Town, South Africa which will straight-up run out of water on April 12th, a day they are dramatically referring to as “Day Zero.” Day Zero used to be April 21st (presumably taking into account all the water stoners will consume to ease their dry-mouth on 4/20), but it was actually moved up by more than a week because they’re losing water more rapidly than anticipated.

So yeah, all those apocalypse memes you keep “jokingly” sharing with your friends are actually real and 100% more terrifying than Instagram would have you believe. Here’s everything you need to know to fuel your nightmares for the foreseeable future:

How TF Did This Happen?

Drought, basically. Cape Town is currently in the midst of its worst drought in over 100 years, and has less than 10% of its usable water left for the city’s 4 million residents. So yeah, the numbers are pretty bleak. Try to think about that the next time you take a 40 minute shower just so you can avoid talking to your roommate. Additionally, Cape Town low-key procrastinated dealing with this issue, causing water to run out much faster than if they’d paid attention to the early warning signs (Politicians – they’re bad at their job everywhere), plus Cape Town residents have been reluctant to curb their water use, with many using well above the 87 liters recommended per day. No shade to Capetonians tho. I’d like to think that I’d curb my Soda Stream usage in the event of an apocalyptic drought, but who knows? I fucking love seltzer. 

And what caused this massive drought in the first place, you ask? Oh, nothing. Just the global phenomenon that is climate change, aka something our president literally does not believe exists because it snowed earlier this year. God help us all.

WTF Are They Doing About It?

As of right now, water is limited to 87 liters per day, but that’s going down to 50 liters per day on February 1st.  For comparison, everyday things like showering take 15 liters per minute, the same as one toilet flush. Once “Day Zero” hits, the government will literally be turning off the taps in the city, and residents will have to go to “collection points” to get their ration of water. Then I guess we all just wait for that creepy guy with the mask who was obsessed with Charlize Theron to show up and start fucking with people.

Why TF Does This Matter?

Umm…wow okay, heartless bitch. Can’t believe you asked that, but I will answer. Cape Town will be the first major city in a developed country to run out of water, and like, if it can happen in Cape Town, it can happen wherever the fuck your selfish ass lives in other major cities across the globe. Also, water is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. Fucking duh.

What Can I Do To Help?

Umm….contact your representatives and tell them to give a fuck about climate change? Vote in the 2018 midterms? IDK. As of right now there is no official fund to donate to the Cape Town water crisis, but we’ll update this section when there is. Until then, stay woke, fam. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

By now, it should be old news to you that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle. We’ve been over it, and it’s time to move on to more pressing logistical issues, like who is getting invited to the wedding of the year. Doing the guest list for a wedding would be stressful even if you literally only knew ten people, so you can imagine that Harry and Meghan have some tough choices. Word is that there’s been some drama with the invites, and shockingly, Donald Trump is the one causing problems.

Let’s explain. Basically, Prince Harry loves the Obamas. Join the fucking club, right? But while we just cry into our pints of Halo Top about how much we love them, Harry actually hangs out with them all the time. They’ve attended each other’s charity events, and the Obamas also posted a cute message congratulating the couple on their engagement. They’re like, real friends, and this is a problem.

The issue is that Harry obvi wants to invite Barack and Michelle to the wedding, but Donald and Melania are 100% not going to make the cut. Government officials in the UK are reportedly concerned that a snub for The Donald could lead to a negative reaction, and they don’t want to like, fuck up world peace because of a wedding invitation.

The dumbest part of this whole thing is that there’s actually not a precedent for U.S. presidents getting invited to royal weddings. When Will and Kate got married in 2011, the Obamas weren’t invited, meaning they had to wake up and watch that shit on TV at 3AM just like the rest of us. So Trump would have no legitimate reason to be angry, but oh yeah right he’s insane hahaha!!

Tbh before this whole Obama business happened, Trump had already screwed himself out of an invite for basically ignoring England in his first year as President. He was supposed to have a full state visit this fall, but that got pushed to 2018 before getting downgraded to a “working trip,” where he won’t even meet the Queen. Okay, a “working trip” sounds like the equivalent of spending a six-hour layover in Madrid and later telling people you “spent time in Spain.” Like, you were physically there, but you didn’t accomplish anything besides getting a photo for your Instagram.

So it sounds like there’s no way Trump is copping an invite to the hottest event of the season, but the question is whether the Obamas will make the cut. We’re conflicted, because we want the Obamas to literally rule the world and go to whatever the fuck wedding they want, but we also don’t want Trump to be all petty and like nuke London. It’s a fun world we live in!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The holidays are a upon us and that can only means we’ll all be spending a lot of time at home watching Netflix. And sure, you could use this valuable Netflix time to re-watch every episode of Friends or veg out to Great British Bake Show (understandable), but you could also *drumroll please* learn some shit. Crazy, I know, but in addition to being an archive of all your guiltiest pleasures, Netflix is also home to a bunch of amazing documentaries that will help anyone who included “get woke” on their list of resolutions.

Here are 10 docs to add into your queue that will make you go from “the drunk one” to “the one who won’t shut the fuck up about this documentary she just saw” ASAP.

For The Vegan Environmentalist: Cowspiracy

Sure, you know eating meat is mean to the animals, but did you know that, like you with a hangover, it also requires an insane amount of water? Like, more water than we currently have. And unlike you, the Earth can’t send a fuckboy out to bring it Gatorade. This doc explores all the environmental effects of your obsession with chicken parms, *and* takes time to shade most environmental groups for ignoring this issue.

For The Business Betch: Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room

Like Katherine Heigel, Enron used to be like, a huge fucking deal, but now it barely exists. This doc explores how the fucked up finance bros of Enron low-key screwed over everyone, and casually kicked off the the financial crisis.

For The The Legit Activist: How To Survive A Plague

This documentary is about the AIDS crisis in the 1980s so — spoiler alert — it’s fairly depressing. That said, it focuses on the efforts of activist groups like ACT UP and TAG, and how they used peaceful protest to try and get Reagan to GAF about AIDS. It’s actually p. inspiring.

For The Religious Scholar: Jesus Camp

This documentary about an evangelical summer camp will confirm everything you ever thought about evangelical summer camp – it’s fucking bonkers. Yes, there is speaking in tongues. Yes, there is an insane rant about Harry Potter. And yes, they do pray over a powerpoint. Get ready to say “omg” and then get kind of nervous you just took the Lord’s name in vain.

For The Person Who Just Watched Jesus Camp And Wants To Get Even More Fucked Up: One Of Us

If you’re on a religious extremism kick (weird choice for the holidays but okay), One of Us is Netflix’s new documentary about three Hasidic Jews who attempt to leave their ultra orthodox community. It…doesn’t…go…great…

For The Person Who Can’t Handle Any More Depressing Shit: Meet The Patels

If you need to laugh for the first time ever in 2017, Meet The Patels is for you. This doc follows Ravi Patel (Master of None) as he tries to save his love life by letting his family play matchmaker for him. If you’ve ever wondered how dating is done in other cultures, this doc is for you.

For The True Crime Fanatic: The Death And Life Of Marsha P. Johnson

This doc looks into the mysterious death of Marsha P. Johnson, an LGBTQ activist who was a major player in the Stonewall riot. Her death was ruled a suicide, but as any true crime fan can tell you, “ruled a suicide” is usually code for “100% did not commit suicide.” This doc has a little bit of everything — LGBTQ history, never-before-seen footage, and a juicy unsolved murder to keep you focused on anything but your Aunt Diane’s divorce this holiday season.

For The Social Justice Warrior: 13th

This Academy Award winning documentary by Ava DuVernay about racial inequality in the justice system is like, a must watch for any self-respecting liberal snowflake. Be warned, you won’t walk away from this one feeling great about America, but you haven’t felt great about America for a while now so it’s NBD. 

For The Conspiracy Theorist With Time On Their Hands: Wormwood

Full disclosure: I haven’t finished Wormwood yet. That’s because it’s not just *one* documentary, it’s a whole series focused on the CIA’s use of experimental LSD during the Cold War. If you’re the type of person who has spent more than a few nights googling government cover-ups, this documentary will literally be your life for six whole episodes.

For The Political Junkie: Get Me Roger Stone

If you’ve spent every second since the 2016 election thinking, “HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN” let me introduce you to Roger Stone, aka, the Republican devil. Between his literal tattoo of Richard Nixon, and the fact that he told Donald Trump to run for president in the ‘80s, this doc will at least provide you with a new person to blame all of America’s problems on. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Today is the day we see if a legit child molester will win a seat in the Senate, so it seems like as good a time as any to bring up another fugly creep who for some reason is allowed to exist work in politics. That’s right, we’re talking about the President of Pussy Grabbing himself.

Casual reminder that the POTUS has been accused of a slew of sexual misconduct, ranging from groping to straight up assault. *pulls out flask from bra  desk drawer and chugs* Since it’s become daily news that pretty much every guy you’ve ever heard of is literally a sexual predator, people are actually starting to believe women when we point out a perv. Took you guys long enough, but we’ll take it.

But for some reason, no one is doing shit about the fact the Donald Trump has multiple and serious allegations against him. The Atlantic posted an exposé on all 19 women who have accused Trump of sexual misconduct, and TBH it’s completely disgusting and totally unsurprising. Many of the stories take place a Mar-a-Lago, the resort that Trump owns and likes to go to golf/not do his job and hang out with a bunch of virgins who can’t drive rich white men. Some of the other stories take place at the Miss USA pageant AND some at the Miss *Teen* USA pageant, where Trump allegedly walked in on the women’s changing room while they were naked. Most allegations include Trump grabbing women and pulling them in for a forcible kiss without their consent (barf), groping their breasts and butts (kill me), and leaving the women feeling violated and like pieces of meat (FML). Sorry, I just blacked out from rage.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

If Breaking Bad taught me anything, it’s that cooking meth can make you rich af drugs are very very bad. You would think that an organization such as, oh a National Olympic Committee, would also have a basic understanding that drugs are pretty high on the list of no-no’s they hand out to each country before competition, but it looks like Russia may have missed their middle school D.A.R.E. presentation. Yesterday the International Olympic Committee announced that Russia would officially be banned from the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics due to the country’s “systematic manipulation of anti-doping rules.” When my mom caught me drinking in high school, she made me go to volleyball practice and run three miles, hungover the next day to teach me a lesson, so honestly the Russians are getting a much lighter punishment IMO.

For over a year, officials have been investigating Russia’s use of performance-enhancing drugs in the 2014 Sochi Olympics, and whether the Russian government played a part in covering up their athletes’ doping habits. What they found was pretty freaking massive because the punishment will set a very strict example for the IOC’s zero bullshit tolerance policy in 2018 and future Olympic games. IOC President Thomas Bach called the state-sponsored coverup an “unprecedented attack on the integrity of the Olympic Games and sport.” Dramatic, much? Maybe, but I guess when it comes to the largest international sporting event in the world, people get a little testy about cheating. Go figure.

A Russian whistleblower named Grigory Rodchenko tipped off the investigation when he alleged that the Russian government was directly involved in the manipulation of samples and state sponsorship of the Olympic doping process. As a result of this ban, the Russian flag will not appear in any of the Olympic ceremonies, and their national anthem will not be played, which is a big deal since we all found out this year how much people loooove national anthems *cough* takes a knee *cough*

Instead, any Russian athletes who manage to pass a series of thorough drug testing and still wish to compete can only do so under the neutral Olympic flag and be designated as “Olympic Athletes from Russia” (OAR). Considering the only other thing called O.A.R. is that band your dad likes who sings that song about being shattered, they’re already in pretty lame company. This also means that Russia will officially go on the record books with zero medals to their name for an entire Olympic season. If Putin wasn’t already mad that people are poking around into his communications with the White House, he’s going to be really pissed when he can’t show off any shiny metal discs to prove that Mother Russia is best most strongest country in whole world.

Other names banned from the Olympics for life include Vitaly Mutko – Deputy Prime Minister of Russia, former Minister of Magic Sport, and chairman of the organizing committee for the 2018 World Cup in Russia – and his former deputy Yuri Nagornykh. 25 Russian athletes were also banned for life after being outed as cheaters, and 11 of Russia’s medals from 2014 were stripped away, taking them down the leaderboard from first place to fourth behind Norway, Canada, and the US. I hope our muscular, toned, and not chemically enhanced butts look great from down there. The IOC has also gone full “bitch better have my money,” and ordered Russia’s Olympic Committee to reimburse the $15 million it cost them to investigate the doping scandal, and help set up the new Independent Testing Authority.

In the most beautiful moment of irony, the Russians unveiled their brand new Olympics uniforms last week, which they will never get to use now that their athletes can only wear neutral colors if they compete independently. Honestly, the IOC is doing them a favor because some of their outfits were truly heinous. That pattern cannot possibly be flattering on anyone. That is the ugliest effing scarf I’ve ever seen. So not fetch.

Some officials believe that Putin might call for a full boycott of the games and prevent Russian athletes from even competing neutrally, as he has previously said it “would be a humiliation to compete without any national symbols.” You seem to know a thing or two about humiliating, don’t you, Vlad? LMK when you feel like releasing the pee tape we’re all patiently waiting on. In the meantime, do what you want about the Olympics, but don’t prevent your honest and sober athletes who have trained hard and have nothing to do with dope-gate let all of their grueling work go to waste. Besides, Pyeongchang happens to be in South Korea, which is a little too close to North Korea for my comfort so like, that would definitely be my main concern if I were you. Have fun grumbling about your steroid-fueled bobsled team – I’ll be far away from the crazy man with the nuclear weapons, pouring Schnapps into my hot cocoa and hoping someone eats shit during a triple axel because I’m just bitter that I don’t have an athletic bone in my body.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Listen up, betches. We’re about to make your day. We’re giving away an iPhone X to one lucky new ‘Sup subscriber this month. That’s right. Hold off on putting the iPhone X on your Christmas list, because you have the chance to win it FO FREE. 

What is The ‘Sup? The ‘Sup is your destination for funny and informative explanations of political news. We’ll tell you everything that’s going on through articles, videos, and our ‘Sup newsletter that’s sent straight to your inbox five times a week. You know how the regular news is like, boring and hard to understand? Well, The ‘Sup is the cool news explained in a way you can understand, like equating choosing the new White House pick for the acting director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to getting into Kris Jenner’s annual Christmas party. Are you really skeptical that those things could ever be related to one another? Then sign up for The ‘Sup newsletter and let us prove you wrong… and be entered to win an iPhone X in the process. Everybody wins.

We’re going to give this iPhone X to one new lucky subscriber to The ‘Sup newsletter this month. So sign up with your email address in the form below, and one new subscriber will be chosen on January 2nd. If you’re the lucky bitch winner, we’ll email you so don’t @ us. Only new subscribers are eligible, but if you already subscribe to The ‘Sup newsletter (good job), you can enter with a second email if you want. Just make sure it’s a real email address…otherwise you won’t get notified if you win. Duh. 

Enter below! May the odds be ever in your favor.