From: [email protected]
Subject: Gentle Reminder About Appropriate Company Internet Usage, Which Does Not Include Creating an Audition Reel for the Bachelor
Hi all,
As you know, we discussed the upcoming internet audit at last month’s all-staff meeting. Last quarter, The People Company failed to meet a single benchmark goal for the 12th quarter in a row. As a team, our fearless leaders compiled a list of actionable steps to ensure this upcoming quarter is a great one—or at the very least, removes us from some highly undesirable Business Insider lists. The first step was our recent internet audit, which, once again, you were all informed about in the mandatory company-wide Internet Use Check-in meeting. It took place both in-person and over Zoom, and we ordered in from that ramen place that you all seemed to enjoy during the cohesiveness seminar.
For the sake of transparency, management explained that the audit’s goal was two-fold. Firstly, they wanted to drill down and evaluate internet usage concerning productivity — perhaps even trimming the fat on projects that take up unnecessary time and resources. The secondary goal was to give you, our outstanding, all-star staff members, a chance to reevaluate how you’re spending time during the workday. Once again, this audit should have been very much on your radar this past month.
As we dive into the audit’s findings, we will simultaneously review The People Company’s best practices for internet use. These guidelines are meant to ensure productive and safe internet use during working hours — they’re intended to help you be your best self, creating synergy in an environment that thrives off of teamwork. That being said, we will not be disclosing personal details about specific employees. Instead, we will discuss particular findings concerning our best practices — the same best practices that are printed on your mouse pads, which the team leaders so kindly had custom-made for last year’s holiday gift.
Spending company time on non-business activities is not an acceptable use of the internet. We’re all human, and we all have lives outside of work. The People Company understands and gives its employees generous leeway to check in on the occasional non-work-related activity using the company network. However, this does not include hosting virtual speed dating events for fans of Veronica Mars during business hours. Nor does it involve watching 17 hours of YouTube videos detailing the life and death of Princess Diana over two weeks.
The internet may not be used for personal profit during working hours. The People Company prides itself on paying better than more than 37% of its industry competitors. There is simply no reason to seek out additional means of income using the company’s network. To clarify, this means that actively managing an online store called “The Vaped Crusader” during business hours is unacceptable. Additionally, actively applying for new jobs while at work will not be tolerated moving forward — and to whom it may concern when using the phrase “please free me from this hellscape,” the word “hellscape” is not two separate words.
Network users are not permitted to make purchases unrelated to work. It is not acceptable to purchase things for personal use during working hours, including jacuzzis. Websites such as “ReadyJetGo.org” or “TheG-Spa.net” are not to be used on company time and have now been blocked.
Representing The People Company online without explicit permission to do so is not allowed. Filming an entire audition reel for The Bachelor while wearing your company shirt, for example, does not align with our core values. On a very related note, “Hottest Ass in Finance” never has been, nor will it ever be, an actual title within The People Company — we’ll touch more on this during our sexual harassment seminar next week. Additionally, promising free products to women on Twitter in exchange for photographs of their feet is also very much against company policy.
*Key Takeaway*: The internet guidelines are meant to help each staff member be a team player, using their time at work for work-related activities. I’m honestly so freaking exhausted at this point, though I know none of you even read these emails. Do you even understand how depressing it is to know that everyone in the office rolls their eyes when I hit send? That most of my day is spent actively making you dislike me? It sucks. I like Veronica Mars too, but did any of you even bother to ask? No. You only worry about yourselves. At this rate, we’ll be bankrupt in the next two years anyway, so I hope you all have a backup plan. Figure it out on company time. Who cares.
Sincerely,
Whatever
Image: Liliya Rodnikova /Stocksy.com
Need more brutally honest career advice? Buy our third book, When’s Happy Hour, available now in paperback!
If you work in an office, you probably get approximately one billion emails a day with all sorts of corporate phrases that no one actually says in real life. Honestly, the fact that emojis and GIFs are semi-taboo in the corporate email world is beyond my understanding. Yes, I’m that millennial.
The worst part of email is that you never know what the f*ck people are TRYING to say. Sometimes it feels like people are trying to be so politically correct in corporate chatter that meanings get muddled. Like does following up actually mean, “why the heck did you not read my message?” (hint: yes, it does).
Have you ever asked a co-worker a question and had them come back with something like, “Per my last note”… To have your stomach drop and be like, “ouch”. This feels… passive-aggressive?! You’re not alone.
What’s a straightforward girl boss to do?!
To help you understand all the work drams coming your way in your inbox (grab some popcorn, babes), we have gladly written out a full-on dictionary (ok, eight) secretly aggressive email phrases, and what they mean. So next time you have that stomach drop feeling at work you can totally understand it! Lucky freaking you.
Here are 8 secretly aggressive email phrases and what they mean.
“Per My Last Message”
After you send an email with “per my last email” in it. pic.twitter.com/MArj5jVUaf
— Phillip Henry (@MajorPhilebrity) May 6, 2019
This means: Why didn’t you pay attention to my last message?! Your colleague is basically telling you to f*ck off and they already told you this answer. Freaking ouch.
This phrase is basically like saying, no I’m not going to just simply answer the question you asked. I’m going to acknowledge that you are literally an idiot and you should have more carefully read my email. I don’t love this phrase because odds are if someone is asking you a question that you already know the answer to, there was something unclear in your last email.
“Please Advise”
Tati Westbrook’s public video to James Charles is kinda like if you sent a passive aggressive email to a coworker and cced your whole company and then framed them for murder
— Alexis Paige (@_loxsmith_) May 13, 2019
This means: No, I’m not going to make a decision, you make one. Maybe you’re in an argument between two people and need them to make decisions for you, or maybe you’ve just had enough for one day. Whatever it is, this statement is passive-aggressive because you could just say, “what do you think?!”
“To Clarify”
This means: Something was misunderstood. Must clarify in a politically correct way so there’s not some massive confusion and yet, I still look like the good guy.
PS. I like this one.
“Thank You in Advance”
This means: You haven’t agreed to what I’m about to ask you, but the expectation is that you are going to do it anyway. If you are asking someone to go above and beyond for you, skip this phrase! It makes it sound like you are forcing someone to do something for you they haven’t agreed to yet.
“Following Up”
when my boss follows up on a project I was supposed to finish a week ago pic.twitter.com/O3gxVgoktG
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 14, 2019
This means: You haven’t responded to my email in the normal time frame. I’m going to remind you that you haven’t responded by started my message with “following up”. Lol. Like I know you’ve emailed me three times, of course, you’re following up. (Although being the extremely timely person that I am I use this one….every day)
“Checking In On Updates”
Sorry for the delay, this week has been insane! – me answering emails every day of every week
— Ashley Fern (@disco_infern0) March 21, 2019
This means: You probably didn’t finish a project or the person emailing you has crazy expectations. They want updates sooner than you provided, so they passive-aggressively emailed you about it. And although you want to replay back something equally as passiv- aggressive like, “k, thanks” you can’t. Ugh.
“Friendly Reminder”
This means: I mean, how many different ways are there to say, “f*cking respond to me?!!?” I could probably think of a million more. Once again another passive-aggressive way of saying, you didn’t respond so writing you another message to force you to email back to me. K cool.
“Not Sure If You Got My Last Message”
This means: Trying to be nice and be like, “I know you saw my last note but didn’t respond so I’m going to try and play innocent.”
There you have it. Is your mind blown from what *actually* is going on in your inbox? Put your favorite phrases below!
Need more brutally honest career advice? Buy our third book, When’s Happy Hour, available now in paperback!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4); majorphilebrity, _loxsmith_, betchesluvthis, disco_infern0 / Twitter; When’s Happy Hour
I know I say this all of the time, but being an adult sucks. Like, it really fucking blows. Temper tantrums are frowned upon, and naps are few and far between. Perhaps the worst part is that you have to cordially interact with other people who also would rather be napping or crying for at least 40 hours every week. Here are a few shady phrases you can drop into your professional emails to passive-aggressively let people know you are here to fuck shit up.
1. “Please Advise”
If you’ve never tacked “please advise” to the end of an email when you’re basically the humanization of that meme where the dog is sitting in a kitchen that’s on fire, then you probably vaguely have your shit together. Congratulations. For the rest of us, “please advise” is like, the closest thing we have to just straight-up calling our moms. It’s a cry for help. It can also be used as some serious shade directed at one of your colleagues who just botched something important, as in, “please advise how you could have fucked this up so badly, and please advise how you are going to fix it right tf now.”
2. “I Just Wanted To Follow Up On This”
Personally, every time I follow up on an email, I’m just using all of my willpower to not type “ARE YOU STILL TEXTIN’ BITCHES? YES OR NO?” Following up on emails is the real world equivalent of triple texting that guy you’re “talking to.”
3. “Moving Forward”
If you ever get the chance to write “moving forward” in an email, you’ve pretty much made it. “Moving forward” is code for “maybe try not to be such a fuckup next time.” At this point in your professional career, you’re probably receiving that more than you’re sending it, so def jump on it if you ever get the chance.
4. “Per My Last Email”
This is the polite version of asking someone if they can even fucking read. While this is definitely one of the shadiest email phrases to keep in your back pocket, use it sparingly. People really tend to misuse the words “as per” and sprinkle them throughout emails when angry, but realistically, it’ll backfire and make you look like the idiot.
5. “I Hope This Email Finds You Well”
This roughly translates to “I don’t give a shit about your personal life, Jared, but I have to pretend that I do for the sake of this email.” If you start an email off with “I hope this email finds you well,” you are most definitely about to ask for something. In my opinion, we should get rid of this one altogether and just start every email off by banging out our requests in all caps.
6. “Let’s Circle Back On This”
Read: Dwight, you ignorant slut. This phrase comes in clutch when you need to passive-aggressively tell someone to STFU and never bother you with their peasant shit ever again. It’s basically the clearest way to say “I hate your idea.”
7. “Feel Free To Ping Me”
Use this when you’re working from home as a signal to your coworkers that you are hungover as shit and need not be bothered. Feel free to swap the word “ping” out for something less obnoxious.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
