Maybe reading the hilarious signs from the Women’s March this weekend has you in a particularly jolly mood. Maybe you felt united in the sisterhood. Whatever it is, the Sun in Aquarius keeps you feeling pretty chummy with most people you encounter. Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean you’ll extinguish your hate-fire for Number 45 or the incompetent Senators responsible for the government shutdown.

Aries

Mars has moved into the part of your chart that is all about travel and education. The planets are basically begging you to ask your parents to fund study abroad next semester. If you’re like, past that phase of your life, it’s time for you to start making your travel Pinterest board a reality.

Taurus

The Sun and Venus at the top of your chart mean not only are you getting attention, but you’re getting a lot of romantic attention. Hopefully it’s from someone really hot that you’re into and not the creepy IT guy. If someone weird hits on you, just cough in their face and blame the flu.

Gemini

While the Sun and Venus make you want to explore and travel, Mars in your chart makes you, like, super impatient. So make sure your prescription for your benzo of choice is filled, because a late plane, train or automobile could cause you to have a freak-out of epic proportions.

Cancer

Things are generally going pretty smoothly for you. You’ll feel super focused at work or school this week because Mars makes you want to buckle down and get shit done. While you’re functioning on a different level remember others are running at their regular slow-ass pace.

Leo

Ok, so it’s not the best time of the year to be a Leo, but you already knew that. You continue to be tired as shit as the Sun is hiding in your chart. On the upside, Venus is making romantic relationships super rewarding. Continue to make the most out of cuffing season.

Virgo

Shit is getting done in the Virgo world, and you’re responsible for making it all happen. You go, Virgo! The Sun makes you productive and efficient. Even though your boss will probably be kissing your ass, it’s serendipitous that Venus promotes good relationships with coworkers. Tina can just keep her fucking snide comments to herself this week.

Libra

Life is not fucking bad for you, Libra. The Sun and Venus continue the party this week. You have a full schedule of social shit to do while simultaneously balancing a lot of other stuff going on in your life. Watch out a little bit, though, because Mars is making you super direct with your comments.

Scorpio

Since you’ve lucked out with Jupiter in your sign this year, things are basically always going to go your way. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean you’re immune to speed bumps, and that’s what you’ll encounter this week. Well, shit. Pay special attention to your bank account this week, as Mars could be fucking shit up in one of your money houses.

Sagittarius

Mars enters your sign and that’s great fucking news. You’ve been in a little bit of a lull. Mars is like a B12 shot right in the ass. You’ll be more energized and recharged this week. Plus, the Sun and Venus are making you more sociable and happy. This is the week to really turn shit around.

Capricorn

As a Capricorn betch, you’re generally pretty resourceful and decent with your money. This week, it’s time to splurge on that thing you’ve been pining over for months. You might need that retail therapy at the end of the week as Mars goes into hiding in your chart, meaning credit will not be given where it’s due. Let’s just say praise and accolades are not in your future this week.

Aquarius

You always feel a little more #blessed during your birthday month, and that continues to be the case this week. It’s not your fault you’re so popular—the Sun and Venus in your sign just draw people to your amazing cosmic energy. You also get a hand from Mars, making dealings with organizations and groups successful.

Pisces

Your personal year is creeping to an end, so it’s totally natural to feel like one door is closing. As the phrase goes, a new one will open right in time for the Sun to be in your chart next month. Venus is also hiding out in your chart, so if you have shit brewing romantically that you haven’t told your friends about, keep that on the DL for at least a few more weeks.

Images: Roman Bozhko / Unsplash; Giphy ( 6 )

The 2018 Women’s March is Saturday, January 20th, and while I totally understand that January is a hibernation month, it’s kind of important that you make it out of bed for this. Given the year we’ve had, I really hope I don’t need to explain why, so I’ll just jump straight into how. The main three events are in NYC, DC, and Vegas (that one’s January 21), but there are 700 similar events across the country (search by zip code here), so once again, you literally have no excuse. Find your event, gather a small group (the crowds are no joke and you don’t want to be chasing down 20+ “friends”), and then get to work making your signs ASAP. Let’s be real, most a tiny bit of the reason you’re there is to get the Insta proving how witty and superior your sign was (y’know, right after the whole fighting for equality and basic human rights etc.). To help you rack up the most possible likes really effectively contribute to this movement, we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite signs for #WomensMarch2018.

1. Beyoncé Options

Because you can’t go wrong with Bey, obviously some of the best signs will be song lyrics from the queen herself. A few favorites include: “Okay Ladies Now Let’s Get in Formation” and “Who Run the World?” “GIRLS” (preferably held by you and a friend, but front/back could work too). 

2. ‘Mean Girls’ Options

Again, hard to go wrong with Mean Girls quotes, and there are plenty to choose from. Regina George’s “why are you so obsessed with me?” is applicable to so very many aspects of women’s lives that men take it upon themselves to police, but I’m particularly partial to her face/quote being plastered on an image of a uterus (see above). Very succinct. Another good one is the Donald Trump Burn Book entry (correctly) labeling him as both a fugly slut and the nastiest skank bitch you’ve ever met.

3. Deeply Relatable Options

Finally, if the idea of referencing pop culture seems like too much, there’s plenty of material related to our fave activities: brunch, napping, and the overall predisposition not to GAF.

Remember to stay warm out there (whether it’s with your best puffer or the flask you bring, IDC) and let’s go show our dried-up Cheez-It of a president that we’re not going anywhere. That just like, the rules of feminism.

Thanks to Beyoncé and that African lady on “Flawless,” we are now all familiar with the definition of feminism (something about waking up like this I think?) Now that Bey has taken it upon herself to show us that feminism has less to do with burning your bra and man-hating and more to do with loving yourself and getting the respect you deserve, it’s time for betches to embrace the term and not puss out when somebody asks them point blank if they’re a feminist. (Note—the term “puss out” probs not super pro-feminist but, whatever. We all take on what we can handle.)

So that being said, here are some betchy feminist buzzwords you can use the next time some bro tries to take you down a notch just because you won’t touch his nasty-ass d.

#1 “The Patriarchy”

A long long time ago a bunch of cave bros got together and decided that they couldn’t have women leaving their caves and doing things because they might start doing those things better than men can do them. This idea persisted throughout history as bros convinced themselves that if women were allowed to have jobs and drive cars then men would never get hard again or some other bullshit, and thus the patriarchy was born. The patriarchy is all around us and is constantly trying to hold betches down. Luckily all the betchy ladies in politics and a bunch of just regular citizen betches are not having that shit anymore and are fighting on the daily for a betch’s right to decide not to carry a fuckboy‘s illegitimate child to term and to get paid the same amount as bros for the work they don’t do. TG.

#2 “Gaslighting”

So, there are a lot of super long articles about the psychological impacts of gaslighting and how shitty it is, but for the sake of not boring the shit out of you, here’s a crash course. Remember when your so-called bf blew you off for like a full week and then told everyone you were a “psycho bitch” when you finally went off on him via text? That’s gaslighting. Remember that dude you met on Tinder who said his ex was “crazy” but then after a little investigation you found out he just cheated on her a bunch? Again, that’s gaslighting. Remember that time you were in the car with your hot stepbrother and some chick in a beret laughed at your understanding of Hamlet even though you know you remember Mel Gibson accurately? You guessed it—gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term that comes from some old-ass movie that means when a bro (or anyone—betches can gaslight other betches) tries to deflect their own shittiness by trying to make you feel insecure and stupid, usually by telling everyone you’re crazy and making you feel crazy. This is the ultimate in shady bro behavior, but unlike other shady things bros do, it’s not attractive. Gaslighting is bullshit and is used by people who want to take away your agency and make you feel small so next time somebody tries to do it to you tell them to fuck off and be like “you can go gaslight your back now byeeeeeeee.”

#3 Slut Shaming

Every betch observes the code of not fucking bros (sometimes) differently. For some betches, “sometimes” literally means “some of the time” and for others it means “basically every weekend now that I’m on Tinder.” Whatever. Do you. A betch is a gift to society and if she chooses to bestow that gift upon an entire basketball team, that’s her prerogative. No judgement. Slut shaming is when people fail to mind their own fucking business and act like what you do or don’t put into your front pocket has anything to do with them. Luckily, betches have been long times champions of the anti-slut shaming movement by embracing the joys of dressing like a slut and always keeping in mind that we’ve “got to stop calling each other sluts and whores because it just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.” Thanks Tina.

#4 “The Bechdel Test”

The Bechdel Test is a test for movies that asks one simple question: Does the movie portray at least two named female characters who talk about something other than a man. Sounds easy, but a legit large percentage of movies do not pass this very simple test and it’s like come on, if I could pass Organic Chem you can pass the Bechdel test. It’s not fucking hard. Luckily, the Bechdel test might as well be renamed the Betchdel test because all our fav movies like Clueless, Mean Girls, Bring it On, and Spring Breakers all pass the shit out of it proving once and for all that feminism and betchism go hand in hand.

This weekend, bad-ass women all over the world marched to prove that we’re not going anywhere, and it was awesome. While the girl power was inspirational all around, we also got some much needed laughs from some of the incredible signs. Here are some of the baddest betches that were out marching.

My sister took this pic in NYC yesterday and it may be my favorite sign yet #womensmarch pic.twitter.com/OWmRMbFIU4

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 22, 2017

Brb, pouring one out for all the betches with Resting Bitch Face.

I LOVE THIS #WomensMarch pic.twitter.com/QKB8Iire6P

— Typical Girl (@SoDamnTrue) January 22, 2017

Yas queen.

Rihanna for #WomensMarch pic.twitter.com/HzjtJZDebf

— VOGUE ASPECTS (@VOGUE_ASPECTS) January 22, 2017

Rihanna didn’t even need a sign to kill the game.

Given my lack of creativity and staying woke even after being supremely lazy, this is my favourite sign from the #WomensMarch pic.twitter.com/NadsIzZtvj

— Soutrik (@SoutrikDebnath) January 23, 2017

This is our desired level of effort.

Game of Thrones inspired signs at the #womensmarch pic.twitter.com/iCTlbjd1RZ

— Tyrion Lannister (@GoT_Tyrion) January 22, 2017

Harsh, but probably accurate.

I asked some sign makers at the #WomensMarch to pose with their creations, and then tell me about them. https://t.co/sgi7SdR38W pic.twitter.com/uJDHp9n14q

— Tim Townsend (@TownsendReport) January 23, 2017

Yeah, Melania does not look excited for the next four years.

Saw many fine signs on #womensmarch

This one was hard to beat, along with ‘Not really a sign guy, but jeez!’ pic.twitter.com/0CvBRTuB40

— Simon Booker (@simonbooker) January 23, 2017

Is this lady actually Mary Poppins? Real question.

This sign was great #WomensMarch pic.twitter.com/nKFlyfytuh

— Bart Starr Mistrot (@bartmistrot) January 23, 2017

Betchy in any language.

#WomensMarch
Favorite sign so far! pic.twitter.com/q1BHVd0pZR

— Rachel (@BowiedipDe) January 21, 2017

It’s just the rules.

Your daily protest sign. #theresistance #indivisible #womensmarch #todaywerise pic.twitter.com/VTBqAfOn2g

— Denice_Snowflake (@ecined) January 23, 2017

We’ve always been terrified of The Joker.

My favorite sign #WomensMarch #womensmarchnyc pic.twitter.com/cZQVHhWWF6

— Dylan Marron (@dylanmarron) January 21, 2017

It’s hard out her for a witch.

Another favorite #WomensMarch #womensmarchonwashington sign pic.twitter.com/B0SROMS5px

— K. Locke (@Bibliogato) January 21, 2017

There’s always time for a Regina George reference.

I want to be friends with whoever made this sign. #WomensMarch #MeanGirls #Trump pic.twitter.com/eUduqFDJF1

— Ellie Close (@MissEllieClose) January 23, 2017

And another Mean Girls sign for good measure.

The most powerful sign of the #WomensMarch. pic.twitter.com/tgdEep8CHu by #2tall4u2

— Jason G (@jggrda) January 23, 2017

Slay.

#WOMENSMARCH pic.twitter.com/uYS3hrduKY

— NikkieTutorials (@NikkieTutorials) January 21, 2017

Mic drop.

A day after the beginning of the end, i.e. Trump’s inauguration as President, women and people who care about women are marching on Washington D.C and cities around the country. Yeah, you’ve probably heard about it and/or received a Facebook invite to a similar march in your hometown. But ew, marching = exercise = work, so you should just stay at home. Right? As our now president (*screaming internally*) would say, WRONG. Here’s why you need to give a shit.

So WTF is the Women’s March?

Crowds are planning to march along the National Mall, like majorly big crowds, too. Hundreds of thousands are expected to turn out and turn up in D.C. alone, and probz millions more in marches organized around the country. You can find your local march here.

Probably the most important thing to note is that the marches aren’t being called “protests” for a reason. Organizers and marchers are saying they are a way to “promote women’s equity and defend other marginalized groups”. So, yes, even if you voted for the screaming cheeto as President, you can still march and support equality. I’m p sure the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Though, to stand up to the pussy-grabbing POTUS, women are making a buying “pussyhats”—pink knit hats with cat ears, naturally. If you don’t look good in hats, you can just come up with a shirt or a sign or some other clever thing to wear.

Why should you care about women’s issues and this march?

UH because you are one, or at least, were birthed by one. Also, if you like your insurance to pay for your birth control, want access to female health care, think men and women should be paid equally for the same job, and don’t want to end up as a tribute in the Hunger Games, you might want to start standing up for yourself, fellow betches, and the future. Just sayin. 

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