The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Newsflash, You’re All Emotionally Unstable

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Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.”  But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flames of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one—and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summed up with this entire exchange:

MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:

Things were not looking great for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the rose ceremony. Which brings us to tonight! We’re moments away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a tangled web you weave. 

The Rose Ceremony

As Victoria is getting ready for the rose ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s love is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s definitely the most single person she’s ever been with. Also, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has consisted of her screaming “I can’t!” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The fact that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him makes me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.  

Is that *squints* Chris Harrison at a rose ceremony? Well, well, how nice of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke directly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his rose ceremony—and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants form a mutiny and try to bury the lead alive for his stupidity. 

He asks Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into tears. I love that Chris is looking at him with absolute disgust. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with emotional breakdowns.

PETER: *weeps*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose ceremony and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I mean, it’s the only excuse I can think of for why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp just in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she looks absolutely panicked that Madison is absent from the rose ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals. 

Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can see her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using clips from this episode as a cautionary tale at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure. 

Peter starts off the rose ceremony and he is visibly upset. I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium. Tbh I can hardly focus on him when the camera keeps panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a virgin Madi, but you’re certainly not blind!!

HOLY SH*T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F?? I’m shocked. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing only light choking. Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs very soon. 

Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose?” and in response she gives the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that pause AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an angry “yeah.” I love it. 

Okay, that’s not the exit performance I thought Victoria F would give. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the very least a verbal emasculation of Peter. Boooooo. 

The Women Tell All

Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a spot on Paradise or The Bachelorette. And by “very best behavior” I mean verbally tearing each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually birthed MyKenna. You love to see it.

Things start off strong when Chris Harrison mocks the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only speak in hashtags and emojis, Chris!

First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The women would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open flame for daring to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female friendships. In fact, the only thing that brings women together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this way anymore then this world is truly broken. 

Chris Harrison goes “let’s talk about #ChampagneGate and the pop heard ‘round the world” and it’s cute that he stole a line directly from one of my recaps. 

CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that ends well… up your nose!!

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine habits on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that kind of talk.

Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I truly forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she desperately wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She keeps denying things she said about the other contestants despite the fact that production has the receipts and just played them for a live studio audience. 

Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for the attention of a man who definitely makes jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally unstable!

TAMMY: So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY: I never said I was sober!

^ Things I’ve said to my mom when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever21 at 11 in the morning. These things just happen, mother!!

Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself calling Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I hate Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a victim. 

SYDNEY: Didn’t you call me a stupid f*cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f*cking bitch. I would never insult your intelligence like that!! 

That’s just, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.

You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s only comeback is “you can meet me on the streets of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and people hustling for $14/hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying. 

Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition

Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the night to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and love. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel. 

CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you drunk again?

Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris keeps bringing up #ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about taking things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off!!

Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more minutes of fame for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for passage into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity. 

She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally looks more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her service to her country, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god. 

Victoria F Denies Everything

Chris calls Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh*t out of her. She starts off by giving a very passionate speech about how she wishes she let Peter love her the way he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also regrets sticking that finger up his butt. That probably works well with the married men, but then again they’re also probably blackmailed into compliance. Know your audience, Vickie!

Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna earn his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a marriage before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing job of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She denies hooking up with married men, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her story. He literally asked more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s affairs. 

God, why is he praising her?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher?? Are we just going to forget how truly awful this girl was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

ABC Actually Gets Deep?

In an unexpected turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of contestants. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the issue by actually reading some of the horrifying messages people of color have received after being featured on the show. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how coy they were about the issue. Not once was the word “racism” uttered on that stage. They kept saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC really take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.

It almost felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the franchise isn’t as white-washed as it absolutely is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of color as a Bachelor/Bachelorette lead. And then when that person was the lead, they put a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They put a sexual predator on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the hate and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it fits their narrative. This is a fantastic start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can—and should—do more. 

And on that note, that’s all I’ve got, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it ends. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been keeping Peter and his future bride chained in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and see next week!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @g_brinkerhoff /Twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell All

Welcome to Bachelor…Tuesday! I know what you’re thinking—where’s It’s Britney, Betch?! Don’t fret, friends, she is on a kickball team doing something mysterious and very cool, and will be back next week! I’m just helping out today because I’m such a good friend. And, please, don’t even bother coming for me in the comments saying she’s better and I’m not funny and this is trash yada, yada, yada. Because I already say that to Britney on Gchat everyday, and then again to myself every night. So I gotchu. Now, on to the task at hand, The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn’t Already Know or, alternatively, Bachelor in Paradise: An Audition. I have my wine, I have my bad attitude, and I am ready to partayyyyyy.

They start off the episode reminding us of everything that happened 24 hours ago, because the producers just assume we all blacked out on Whispering Angel while watching that cringe-fest. Fair. Last night, Cassie told Colton that she’s just not that into him, Colton finally jumped that f*cking fence, and Chris went on the hunt for his runaway Bachelor, like he was a bloodhound racing to find a missing child in a really juicy episode of Dateline.

Chris intros the show, and is giddy that last night “Colton’s worst nightmare” came true. “He disappeared into the dark night of the Portuguese countryside. He is lost to us.” Okayyyyy Chris you’re not penning the next great American novel, you’re just phoning it in on a network reality dating show, I think we can tone down the dramatic prose just a bit.

The women get introduced. I do not recognize half these women, but am pleased to see that Tracy’s eyebrows grew in. Did she invest in microblading?

Okay who TF is Jane?? Now ABC is just trolling me. I see you ABC, and I know she’s a really a seat warmer while Elyse is in the bathroom! Right?

Since Colton’s season continues to give us little to no content, ABC decides to waste our time and throw it back to “the most dramatic” moments of seasons past. They’re going all the way back to Jason Mesnick. Really? Demi wasn’t even born yet when that season was on! Caelynn was still a toddler in a tiara! No one here gives a sh*t. TBH all these flashbacks really do is show us how little emotion Cassie actually felt last night. Her eyes were drier than the Sahara Desert. 

Then they decide to show us clips from the season that WE JUST WATCHED. Chris says “there was a lot of drama before the infamous wall jump.” Dude. We’ve been calling it a fence all season. Were you even here?

Oh good, our first shower scene of the evening. Why does ABC insist on making me feel like I’m watching a perv’s secret bathroom camera every episode?

We’re 15 minutes in and it looks like we’re finally going to start!

Chris: What were you thinking when you met Colton?
Ladies

And now more clips of all the fake feuds we just watched. Look, I may scroll through Instagram for the entirety of every single episode, but give me a little credit. I can look at pictures of balayage and watch Colton dry hump a blonde at the same time.

Chris immediately brings up the Onyeka/Nicole feud, because he would like to drown the audience with Nicole’s tears and finish up early. The ladies basically just hurl insults at each other, and I feel like I’m back at a sorority chapter meeting. Funny, I used to drink through those too.

Nicole: You said I was mentally unstable.
Onyeka: Liar! I said you were emotionally unstable!

Chris then asks Katie why she told Colton that certain women were not there for the right reasons. She tells him she was talking about Caelynn and Cassie. OMG! Katie claims she heard them talking in Singapore on the bus from the airport to the hotel, and they were saying to each other that one of them should “win” and then the other can be the Bachelorette.

Caelynn says Katie is lying. Katie says Caelynn is lying. I’m lying to myself that this hell is almost over.



Okay seriously though, WHO IS JANE?! And why is she defending Caelynn? FYI Jane, even inserting yourself into this dumb feud is not gonna get you on Paradise, honey. Maybe call up MTV and they’ll let you on Ex On The Beach? Different beach, same low standards. I think you’ll fit in well.

OMG, Kirpa says she heard Caelynn was talking about sliding into the DMs of cast members from other seasons! WHO?! Please tell me it wasn’t Robby, please tell me it wasn’t Robby. Their veneers combined would blind the innocent public.  

Demi apologizes for calling Courtney “the cancer of the house” and changes it to the bed bugs of the house. People may not like Demi, but you can’t deny she was MADE for reality TV. We are blessed she lives during this time. What would have happened if she was born during like, the Victorian era or something? She would have been beheaded SO FAST.

OMG! Courtney just told Demi she has the maturity of a 3-year-old and SHOVED A PACIFIER IN HER MOUTH. Um, isn’t that assault?

Okay now we’re finally getting to the good stuff. Chris calls Demi up to the hot seat. Demi talks about how she is not ashamed of her sexuality and starts shouting, “It’s 2019! I’m promiscuous! Sorry dad!” Aww, that’s sweet. She thinks her Dad doesn’t know. But like, he’s met you?

Chris then tells Demi she was very brave to talk about her mom being in prison.

Demi: I was going back and forth about it, but when I realized I could use it to stay longer, I decided to tell Colton.

Chris asks Demi if her mom is proud of her. Demi says yes and it’s like DUH of course she’s proud! Her daughter was one of the most ruthless competitors in Bachelor history. What’s not to be proud of?

And ANOTHER Colton shower scene. Did you guys know that every time ABC shows Colton in the shower, an angel loses its wings? It’s v sad.

Chris calls Nicole up to the hot seat. Really? Does she warrant more time? We heard her get yelled at for a solid 45 seconds, and got a chance to check out her fresh highlights. That’s all I need to see. Chris pulls out a box of tissues for Nicole, like my therapist doesn’t also do that for $200 a session. You ain’t special, Chris.

Nicole tells Chris she went on The Bachelor because she wanted to make her family proud. Hmm, you didn’t want to try, say, volunteering first? Perhaps going back to school and get a masters degree? No? The Bachelor, you say? Okay. And I’m sure Paradise will make them even prouder!

Wait WTF is this?! Chris basically called Nicole up there to tell her she is getting free Halo Top Ice Cream for a year?! Cool, ABC is literally selling airtime to advertisers now. And to think, when they showed the preview for this segment I thought ABC was going to do something nice for Nicole’s autistic brother. I hope he isn’t lactose intolerant!

AND ANOTHER SHOWER SCENE. My sexual attraction has been so diminished by these I don’t think I will ever find a man appealing again, let alone Colton.

Chris calls Hannah B. up to the hot seat. She looks FIRE and is daring ABC not to choose her as The Bachelorette. Caelynn, the gauntlet has been officially been thrown down, and I think this might be the first competition where you don’t beat Hannah.

Hannah says she feels pressure to be perfect, and has always struggled with it, and has a hard time being vulnerable. Man, whoever wrote this monologue for Hannah really knows what they are doing. It makes me like her, and I hate everyone. Seriously. Ask everyone I work with. They’ll tell you I f*cking hate them.

Chris then gives Hannah a chance to redo her toast that she fumbled during her first one-on-one with Colton. I want to tell you it was better, and that at least she didn’t end it with “roll tide” but then she did, so I can not. Alabama, you all need to get some new material.

Caelynn gets called up to the hot seat. I feel a deep hatred toward her garbage bag cut into the shape of a dress. It’s rare that designers really nail the unique sheen of the Glad brand, but by god they did it!

Caelynn cries while watching her time on the show back. She says it was hard because she felt like she had met her person and then he dumped her. Don’t worry Caelynn, you’re only 23! There’s plenty more disappointment ahead of you love to come!

Caelynn also says that Colton told her he was falling in love with her since Singapore and “That’s a long time.” Oh honey, 72 hours is only a long time to a fruit fly.

Chris does take the time to commend Caelynn for sharing her story of sexual assault on the show. And as much as I really don’t like her as a person, or how Colton responded to her, I will say it was very brave of her, and I do hope that it helped her and helped others. Snaps for Caelynn!

And Colton has FINALLY emerged from the shower, pruny as a spring breaker who fell asleep in the hot tub after a late-night drinking sesh. Does he look different to anyone else? Did he dye his hair? Or is it because he finally put his P in a V?

Chris asks Colton how he’s feeling and Colton says he’s nervous, which surprised him because he thought he would be “cool and confident?” At this point I looked around my empty apartment and screamed “This guy thinks he would ever be cool and confident?!!” My couch and kitchen table both agreed this was absurd. Then we all had a good laugh.

Caelynn: What went wrong?
Colton:

Then Sydney takes one for the team and asks Colton if he’s still a virgin. We’re listening. But instead of answering, Colton takes this time to ask Sydney what the phrase “whack my weeds” means. Colton! You know you are supposed to have sex talks exclusively with Chris or he won’t get his bonus. Why you gotta do him dirty like that?

They transition out of this discussion before we get an answer out of Colton, which is fine with me because now I can stop shrieking in horror over what is happening on my TV screen. I don’t need my neighbors calling the cops on me again. Chris asks Colton about the “fence jump.” Ahhh I see he remembers his line this time.

Chris:  What was going on in your mind as you were running away?
Colton: I can’t believe girls don’t even want to f*ck me when I’m the Bachelor.

Truth.

Chris assures us that Colton makes it back alive, as if I’m not looking at his basic ass on my screen right now.

ABC then shows us bloopers, which I will sum up for you like this: Hannah G. maintains her lack of personality even when a tent falls on her, Colton gets more intimate with a street dog than he does with Cassie, and places have bugs.

I hope you enjoyed the 15 minutes of new footage we just watched! Next week, Colton’s journey finally ends, and hopefully none of us will ever have to hear a grown man talk about his virginity ad nauseum again. Later!

Images: ABC (4); Giphy (3)

Diggy Moreland’s ‘Bachelor’ Recap: Someone Go Check On Hannah G.

We have made it to week nine, and I can’t believe it’s taken more than two months for us to reach the high point of this season. No, not referring to a proposal, I’m referring to a fence jump that we all could EASILY see if we watched any episode of COPS. The fact that we’ve been waiting this long to see Colton jump over something that’s shorter than his stack of expired Trojans boggles my mind. Let’s see if it lived up to the hype…

Monday’s episode kicks off with Chris Harrison and Colton sitting on the steps of the house from Forrest Gump, where Colton is requesting sleeping bags to be present in the unavoidable and dreaded fantasy suites. After telling him “We can’t do that, but I’ll look into bunk beds,” Chris settles Colton’s nerves and reassures him that it’s just like riding a bike. Yea, but this 20-something-year-old’s bike needs training wheels.

As a last attempt to gain platinum status on United, Colton and the three remaining girls pack their bags and head to Portugal. Realizing that this may be the country where he loses his virginity, Colton takes several selfies in order to compare ‘Before’ and ‘After’ look. Spoiler alert: you look the same after having sex. But who’s going to have a shot at stealing his V-card first? Tayshia, you’re up to bat.

As Tayshia is walking through the streets of Portugual looking for the nearest payphone to arrange a getaway car, she stumbles upon Colton, and realizes that she might as well go on this date. After seeing that Colton has an Enterprise Helicopter key, her mood perks up. For those keeping track at home, this is the third time they’ve been in the air together. Bungee jumping, skydiving, and now a helicopter. (Air Colton > Ground Colton, apparently.) After talking about Portugal’s chief exports (don’t watch if you’re narcoleptic, as this date is sleep-inducing), they land, and then head to a cliff to enjoy a picnic with a view. Except they don’t. That picnic basket is emptier than Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Because making out on a cliff is too cliché, they head to a lighthouse, where kissing is not only welcomed, but encouraged.

Wardrobe change, aka, night date time! Tayshia and Colton chat over dinner about her previous marriage, and how she divorced him because he refused to put the toilet seat down. (Statistics show that this is the cause of 80% of divorces.) Sticking with the week one storyline, Colton continues to talk about what could be about to happen in the next couple of hours, and how he’s open to it. The whole date, he continues to say: “I appreciate you.” Colton, Colton, Colton. This is where you say: “I love you.” You say: “I appreciate you” to someone who bails you out of jail, or to a friend who buys you a drink because you left your credit card at the bar the night before.

Upon opening the fantasy suite card, we see two things. 1. That Chris Harrison writes in Comic Sans and 2. This boy is nervous! Tayshia takes Colton up on the invite to the suite, and Here. We. Go. In the background, they have the soundtrack to Aladdin playing, and you just know it’s about to be “A Whole New World.” Except it wasn’t. By all indications of how Tayshia woke up the next morning, that bed definitely had a pillow wall between the two. There are “after sex” cues that should be visible the next morning, and Tayshia had none of them. She looked upset, hair was fresh from the beauty salon, and she was still wearing her belt from last night. According to my math, adding all those things up equates to no sex in the champagne room. If the deed was done, Tayshia would’ve woken up dehydrated, hair in ponytail, and stumbling around the apartment butt-ass naked looking for pancake mix. Verdict? Virginity still intact.

Realizing that Cassie has been twiddling her thumbs for 48 hours straight, Colton makes his way to pick her up in a Model-T Ford from the 1860s. After spending some time walking around town, dancing with Portuguese mistresses, and trying to fight his way into the friendzone, Cassie and Colton sit to reflect about hometowns. He tells her, “I could really see myself being a part of your family,” and she responds with, “I like string cheese.” To be fair, who doesn’t? But Cassie, come on, wrong place, wrong time. Cassie has not been emotionally available for Colton this entire season, and like his NFL career, it’s not going to happen anytime soon. Colton is really laying it on thick, but he does tell Cassie that her father didn’t give him his blessing. Cassie seems shocked, but I’ve seen better acting from a puppy in a PetsMart commercial. Not buying it.

In typical father fashion, Cassie’s dad shows up unannounced in the first ever Bachelor minivan to let her know “Just so you know, Colton is not invited to the cookout.” He lectures her about how you know when you love someone, and Cassie communicates that, like learning pre-calculus, she’ll get there eventually. The luggage-less father returns to the airport to fly home because he left his hazards on at LAX, and they don’t play around at Arrivals.

After the impromptu visit from her dad, Cassie has made the decision that since she’s paid LA rent for all these months, she’s going to go home and get her money’s worth. The night portion of the date is filmed in a Portuguese open house, and this is where the episode starts to be somewhat interesting. Colton continues to tell her he loves her, and Cassie dodges those bullets like 6th grade dodgeball tournament.

How long are Cassie & Colton contractually obligated to sit on this IKEA living room set??#thebachelor

— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) March 5, 2019

Transcript of Colton & Cassie’s Date:
Colton: “I love you.”
Cassie: “Portugal is amazing.”
Colton: “I hope I’m with you in the end.”
Cassie: “Bacon is my favorite!”
Colton: “I feel differently with you.”
Cassie: “Wool scarves makes me itch.”

Cassie tells him that she doesn’t think she can get there, but she wanted to tell him in person, because this is her favorite dress and she thinks America will love it too. He then throws every Hail Mary in the book, including “I think of you even when I’m with the other girls.” Cassie says “That’s cool and all, but can you drop me off at the airport?” Finding her own ride, Cassie leaves, and Colton heads back to his room…alone. Seeing that room service forgot to make him a towel swan for the day, he screams “I’M DONE!” and starts running. Production, stray dogs, and even Chris Harrison in his Patagonia quarter-zip (in the midst of his cucumber facial) chase Colton as he storms off the property. The only thing preventing him from leaving the property is this white fence, and Colton shows that, unlike the movie, white men CAN jump, and even gets a perfect score from the Russian judge on the landing. He sprints out into the Portuguese night, nowhere to be found. I mean, he has to return right? Not only does he have the only key to Hannah G.’s room, but continental breakfast on the property ends at 11am. Only time will tell…or the spoilers.

The Women Tell All

Before we get to find out if Colton even wants to know what Hannah G. is like in the third fantasy suite, these women get their last chance to solidify Instagram deals say their peace. As an only child, I’m not sure what growing up with siblings is like, but after seeing this, I’m DEFINITELY glad I didn’t grow up with a house full of sisters. With all these girls talking over each other, my Closed Captioning went into overdrive and knocked the power out of an entire Chicago city block.

Not gonna lie, when they introduced the cast, I was 100% sure that most of these people were paid actresses, since I don’t remember them AT all. They start off with Catherine, and she decides it’s too sunny in the studio, so she provides a few fellow cast members with some shade. I just wish someone would’ve commented on her pantsuit that would’ve made Roseanne jealous.

Nicole and Onyeka revisit their “feud,” and this is far from family-related. Onyeka proves that she wasn’t a bully by breaking down the Oxford definition, and Nicole proves that she’s a mime, because she doesn’t say sh*t. I actually feel bad for Nicole, because she’s trying to get a word in, but Onyeka’s mouth runs on diesel, so you know it’s not stopping soon.

The bomb that Katie dropped on her way out (“You have some people remaining not here for marriage”) is addressed and she mentions names this time: Caelynn and Cassie. Caelynn is the only one there to defend herself, and she does say she was there for the right reason, and that was to get sponsored by Crate & Barrel, because she’s too old to sit on IKEA furniture she can’t pronounce. Other girls pile on Katie’s side, and at the same time, are uninviting themselves to Caelynn’s C&B housewarming party in the process.

Demi vs. Courtney might be the best battle of the night. I wouldn’t call this World War 3, but more like, “Battle for the Last Pair of XS Lululemon Yoga Pants.” Demi comes out with several clapbacks, and Courtney sits there silent, not blinking, like she’s at an optometrist appointment. Courtney, can you read these letters on the chart: “U–R-Done.” After being called “bed bugs of the house,” Courtney puts her tail between her legs and retreats.

Hannah B. and Caelynn get their time to say their peace as well. Hannah B. says she’s still looking for someone to love her fiercely, but more importantly, ABC lets her redo her disaster of a toast, which is already better because she used actual words this time. Caelynn got to confront Colton about what really happened, and he pretty much told her he found out she still owed past due fees at Blockbuster, and he didn’t need anyone that irresponsible in his life in 2019.

Next week is the FINAL week, and then we get to return to life as normal. Wait, has someone let Hannah G. out of her room yet?!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @diggymoreland / Twitter

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Women Tell All

Somehow we made it to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All and brace yourselves, people, because THE TEA IS ABOUT TO BE SPILLED. I know Chris Harrison literally says this about every tell-all, but I really do believe this might be the most dramatic episode ever. Why do I think this, you may ask? Because Arie just tweeted this v inspired message about tonight’s episode: “Bachelor in Paradise auditions wait I mean ‘Women Tell All’. Tune in tonight, good old fashion drama.” *slow claps* Okay, Arie. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty? Well, fam, if that’s not telling as to how this tell all is about to go then IDK what is. Let’s do this people!

 

Chris Harrison brings out the women, and it’s good to know that Jenna’s coke problem is still alive and well.

 

^^ Actual footage of Jenna at the tell-all

 

I mean, if it’s not a coke problem then I’m sincerely alarmed by her energy levels. Sincerely. Alarmed.

 

We’re 15 minutes into this tell-all and already talking about Bekah M and her age. Thank god I didn’t devise a drinking game around this or I’d already be wasted. Bekah keeps talking about how she’s feeling personally victimized by the legal adults other women and I’ve honestly had enough of this bitch. If she didn’t want her age to be an issue than she shouldn’t have made it such a big deal in the first place by being literally the only woman to not disclose her age until she was forced to probably at gunpoint by a producer. BYE.

 

BEKAH: I’m sorry I can’t control that I was born in 1995!

 

ME:

 

 

Moving on. Chris invites Krystal up to the hot seat, and she seems to have matured since the last time we saw her. And by “matured” I mean she no longer sounds like a baby prostitute. Interesting. Let’s hope that this scandal is addressed here tonight.

 

Yo, are we finally getting to find out what the fuck happened during that group bowling date? ARE WE?? Is ABC actually going to give us an answer for once in the entire history of this godforsaken show?

 

Wait. So all Krystal did off camera during the bowling date was call Arie a needle dick? Descriptive, but also not that different from how I’ve been describing him for the past eight weeks, so.

 

Ah, my favorite moment during a tell-all: when the floor is opened for a public skewering. *turns up volume*

 

Bekah M, the girl who actively tried to hide her real age from Arie for six straight episodes, just urged Krystal to “be the real her!” and to be “open and honest with people!” Lol k.

 

Wow Caroline is auditioning HARD for her spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She’s like “how dare you hurt these ladies that I love with all my heart” and it’s like, didn’t you go home week three? Yeah, you love these ladies about as much as you’d love to endorse a tea that gives you the runs. Please.

 

Olivia, a girl whom I’ve never seen before in my entire life, asks Krystal the question that’s been plaguing me all fucking season: what. is. with. the. voice.

 

Lol did Krystal really just blame her voice change on a sore throat? Damn this girl is better at spinning facts than a Fox News anchor. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t going places!

 

Is Krystal trying to say that her competing for Instagram endorsements Arie’s heart brought her brother out of homelessness? Not to nitpick here, but how does one watch The Bachelor if one is homeless? Hmm?

 

ME LISTENING TO KRYSTAL’S STORY RN:

 

 

It’s Seinne’s turn to take the hot seat and I can’t wait to hear all about how she cured cancer in her downtime during The Bachelor filming.

 

SEINNE: But watching it all back I realized Arie wants someone with the personality of a door knob it wouldn’t have worked out.

 

I have nothing else to say about Seinne except that she and Oprah should run for president. #SeinneOprah2020

 

Andddd we’re back to debating Bekah’s age. Brb just going to go open more wine because I’m gonna need at least six glasses to get through listening to her defend her maturity and her earring choice for the gazillionth fucking time.

 

Bekah brings up an excellent point about how none of the other young AF women competing over a 37-year-old commitment phobe Arie were ridiculed for their age. Which might be true, but I’m having a hard time taking her seriously when the way she’s holding herself rn rivals  Michelle Tanner in a time out.

 

Bachelor Women Tell All

 

Ah, yes. The infamous missing person’s report. I thought you’d never ask, Chris. Bekah tells a lovely story about how she went up north with some friends to a MARIJUANA CAMP  just to “chill” after her time on the show. Honey, baby, sweetie. You really still think you were mature enough to get married to a man who wears cardigans and told you he goes to bed by 9pm? Really?? Your mother still expects you to text her when you get home from a party!

 

Surprise, sur-fucking-prise, Bekah is officially going to Paradise. And a star FabFitFun model was born. 

 

CHRIS HARRISON: Please don’t report your daughter missing this summer because she’ll be getting blackout with us on a beach in hell Paradise.

 

It’s nice to know that she’s already got plans for her senior year spring break.

 

Moving on to Chris’s next victim: Tia. First of all, she looks amazing in that romper. This is a real step up from that Flintstone-inspired atrocity that assaulted my retinas last episode. Heartbreak looks good on you, girlfriend! Chris is like “I’m not sure if this makes things better or worse but Arie did tell me he had regrets about sending you home.”

 

TIA:

 

 

CHRIS HARRISON:

 

 

So what I’m gathering from this entire episode is that Tia and Seinne are the frontrunners for The Bachelorette? I’m not mad about it.

 

They bring Arie out for the last 15 minutes of this shit show. Cool, cool. It’s not like I’ve spent the last two hours waiting for a room full of jilted women to rip him a new asshole. By all means, ABC, drag this out with one more fucking commercial break. You know how that thrills me.

 

Some highlights from my favorite parts of The Roast of Arie Lkjfnghbkjlgnhn Jr:

 

TIA: Kendall? Seriously?

 

ARIE: I just feel like she’ll be crazy in bed more things for her.

 

JACKIE: You were so supportive of me and my degree that you didn’t at all try and stop me from leaving the show.

 

ARIE: Thank you. I appreciate that.

 

BEKAH: I’m still totally mature and ready to get married.

 

ARIE: I’m still totally down to bang after the show.

 

I paraphrase, you know?

 

Okay wtf is this cryptic-ass message Caroline just dropped on us? She’s like “I know what you did and how dare you” AND WTF ABC. WE JUST AREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS? *throws laptop at the wall* 

 

Arie has one last showdown with Krystal and it’s about as dramatic as Arie’s hand gestures all season.

 

Bachelor Women Tell All

 

Krystal is like “I’m sorry I’m a jealous bitch but I hate when my boyfriend has other girlfriends.” To which Arie responds with: “You know this is The Bachelor, right?” Ooohhh I hope she has ice for that third degree burn, Arie! Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with dude?

 

On that note, I’m drunk outtie. Until next week, betches!

 

Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)

 

 

The 5 Best And Worst Looks We’ve Seen On ‘The Bachelor’ This Season

“The most dramatic season yet” of The Bachelor is wrapping up aka the season I had a decent nap every Monday night. Like, if I wanted to watch an adult male cry for two straight hours I’d resurrect Abe Lincoln and bring him to our current White House. Ball is in your court, ABC.

Expectations were high, and Corrine delivered. Raquel’s cheese pasta aside, this season took a fat L, and there’s not enough vodka in the world to bounce back from the possibility of a lifetime of family spaghetti Sundays in Canada or experimenting with meth in Hoxie. To celebrate the best franchise’s worst bachelor yet, let’s take a look at this season’s best and worst looks.

The Best

5. Danielle L. – First Rose Ceremony

Danielle L and Nick Viall

Watching Danielle L. come in hot at the first rose ceremony, I thought she would def be a main contender. Between the big curls and the deep V, homegirl knew the game and how to play it. Her black maxi had hints of sheer, showing leg but looking classy at the same time. Genius. What couldn’t this girl do? Oh yeah, speak. And be interesting. And keep a man for five seconds after she declares that she loves him. It turns out, Danielle L. spends most of her time giggling, and while that was prob a major confidence boost for Nick, he eventually had to accept he’s not nearly funny enough to make a normal human laugh that much. RIP to those long locks—may we all achieve such volume one day.

4. Danielle M. – Women Tell All

Danielle M Women Tell All

Ah, yes, the slightly less annoying Danielle, who somehow managed to speak even less than her name counterpart. Danielle M spent the entire season being so boring that you probably already forgot she found her fiancé dead from a drug overdose in their apartment,  but then decided to go for a second chance at stardom by making the absolute most with her wave at WTA. Looks like someone’s career didn’t take off like she was planning. Guess it’s time to pull out all the stops! And as far as makeovers go, Danielle M. killed it. She pulled a JLaw and hit us with a platinum bob—love.  And the plunging all white jumpsuit looked great on her tall and narrow frame. I guess when you’re that hot, you don’t need a personality.

The Best Women Tell All Recap You’ll Ever Read
 

3. Whitney – Women Tell All

Whitney

Speaking of hot with no personality, remember Whitney? Prob not, considering she never had any airtime, or a one-on-one, or spoke. Actually, can anyone confirm if she and Nick actually met? But her good looks come at a cost. Whit was the type that opted for water instead of wine, and that’s a cost I just can’t afford. Didn’t Jesus tell us to go with the latter? Like Danielle M, betch slayed in a jumpsuit at WTA. From the cheetah heels to her open back, the whole outfit is a yes from me, dawg. Makeup-wise, her dark eyes and shimmer highlight made me question my sexuality for a quick sec. I just truly hope The Bachelor helped this Pilates instructor from Minnesota escape the Midwest and find an Instagram career in LA. No one this attractive deserves to be in sweaters year round.  

2. Raven – Hometown Dates

Raven and Nick Hometown Date

I’m assuming when the producers realized Nick was en route to Arkansas/Alabama (still not sure tbh), they decided everyone was better off watching Raven enter a wet T-shirt contest than trying to collect B-roll of Main Street. And they were right. Raven looked amazing. Her bod is the reason I just canceled my Seamless order, and I hate to say it, but a shirtless Nick isn’t bad either. His abs just slightly distracted me from his earlier excitement in Raven calling her dad “daddy,” something only a 25-year-old who’s never had satisfying sex would do. Their steamy swamp m/o looked like something I’ve seen on the cover of a Nicholas Sparks book, and I’m glad we’re all ignoring the fact they most def contracted some type of infection after dry humping each other amidst flies and mud.

1. Corinne – Always. Most Notably In Her Bubble Bath

Corinne in bubble bath

I love to see Queen Corn taking care at herself. Remember, just because your job/life/relationships with family and friends went on hold for filming doesn’t mean your skincare regime can. Corinne knows that in order to look younger/fresher/hotter than Taylor the rest of the girls in the house, you need relax, treat yourself to a facemask, and get plenty of sleep. #TeamNaps

Read: A Definitive Ranking Of Corinne’s Best Naps

Honorable Mention: Alexis in a shark/dolphin costume. Way to dress to Paradise theme. 

Alexis in shark costume

Truly cannot wait to see Alexis’ crazy ass on BIP. Best thing to come out of this season so far. 

And The Worst

5. Josephine – Women Tell All

Josephine vs Hocus Pocus meme

We’ve all seen this meme right?? Ok good, just checking. Moving on.

4. Taylor – Group Date in Bumblefuck, Wisconsin

Taylor in Wisconsin

EVE.RY.THING.NO. We see Mental Health Counselor Tay sporting hoops bigger than my dreams in this frame. I’m getting v extreme “hold my earrings and let me at her” vibes just looking at them. Moving onto her hair, Taylor needs some counseling herself on the importance of conditioner and Moroccan Oil like, yesterday. I see her strategy of choice in dealing with the frizz was a half-up pony. I’m giving that a hard no. As I’m also giving a hard no to her fleece, which I’m assuming was purchased at the Gap. And none for Taylor bye.

3. Nick – The Infamous Beach Volleyball Group Date

Nick Viall beach outfit

I’m picturing Nick ordering a Piña Colada in this outfit and then sending it back because it’s “a little too strong”. Like, what is going on here? Even Nick’s p. dece body can’t save him. And what is that necklace? How long is it? We’ve got Vanessa out here shoving her annoying ass into some black strappy thing, and Nick’s got on shorts that look like he bought them at the hotel store. And is that a livestrong bracelet on his wrist? No. No. All the no. 

2. Christen – First Rose Ceremony

Cristen at first rose ceremony.

I feel like I’m about to watch a bad cabaret with this little number. Either that or Belle was fired from Disney World, got wasted and then tried to seduce me. I can’t tell which is more terrifying, but I would’ve shoved Christen back in the limo and sent her ass back to Tulsa. Safe travels!

1. Nick – Fantasy Suite with Raven

Nick Viall in a turtleneck

I’m sorry. I had to put Nick on here twice. YOU HAD TO SEE THIS COMING. Remember when Raven admitted she never had an orgasm, and the camera cuts to Nick in his turtleneck and he’s like “haha, wow we have something in common, I’ve never given one either!” Like Rav, you think you’re gonna feel the big O tonight after you try and rip this giant-ass sweater over Nick’s beard? Turned off just thinking about it. At least it looks like it’s ribbed for her pleasure. 

Catch up on the latest Bachelor recap here!
The Best Women Tell All Recap You’ll Ever Read
Read this week’s Bachelor recap here!
 

The Bachelor’s Women Tell All was last night, or, as it is more commonly called, the “Bachelor In Paradise Audition Tape.” All the girls were there—Corinne! Taylor! Kristina! Liz! Elizabeth—wait who the fuck is Elizabeth? They all showed up to once again desperately attempt to get America to GAF about them enough to be able to platform their success into a lucrative career selling waist trainers and hair supplements on Instagram. Like on every previous season of The Bachelor, many of the women showed up with new hairstyles that they prob got for free in exchange for letting the hairstylist tweet a photo of them. Danielle M’s new platinum blonde bob and white jumpsuit looked amaaaazing, but unfortunately for Danielle M she’s boring AF and barely said anything the entire two hours. Sorry girl, you gotta have more than a good hairstyle to stand out on The Bachelor. Do you think Corinne would have been this successful if she’d just sat back and tried to let her hair extensions do the work? Honestly, maybe. 

Also, to the people in the audience who actually spent real U.S. dollars on merchandise that says “Make America Corinne Again,” God save your soul. To the person dressed as a shark—may God rain blessings upon you.

NICK VISITS BACHELOR NATION

The evening started with the return of fake crashing Bachelor Nation’s homes, in which people just happen to be having huge Bachelor themed events and just happen to leave their front door unlocked for any camera crews that may or may not appear. Surprise! IT’S ME, NICK VIALL.

the hot chick

Also, “Chris Harrison walks into a sorority house” sounds like the start of a really gross joke.

Then they drag the obviously intoxicated Backstreet Boys out for a second time to just like…hang out with Nick and watch episodes of The Bachelor? Is this really what The Backstreet Boys have become? SAD.

ALL THE RANDOMS

After seeing how much attention Corinne has gotten since the show aired, all the girls you barely remember from the first three episodes start fighting hard for attention. First there’s Lacey/Gretchen Weiners, who says more in the first 10 minutes of the Tell All than she did all season, and Josephine/Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus, who showed up in a mustard yellow velvet dress and dark purple lipstick like this is some kind of murder mystery party and not a reality dating show recap. It was Josephine in the dining room with the selfie stick! Didn’t Chris Harrison specifically tell you bitches not to light the black flame candle? SMH.

josephine vs sjp

Then, of course, there’s Elizabeth, who says the phrase “I’m all for someone releasing their inner Khaleesi but you were a total slob kabob out there!” To which America replied, “literally what are you talking about and also who the fuck are you?”

Seriously, who. Is. Elizabeth? Was she just wearing so much makeup nobody recognized her? Did she really just quote Kourtney Kardashian and think we wouldn’t notice? Is she a Russian plant sent to keep an eye on Kristina? These are questions I have.

mean girls quote

They also try to drag up the fake Liz drama again, and give her the opportunity to explain why she hunted down her one night stand for four months and ambushed him on national television. Her explanation, basically, was “feminism,” which is hard to argue with these days. Liz then proceeds to cry for the entirety of the Tell All, probably in some weird attempt to show Nick they have a lot in common. She was also most definitely wasted.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

CORINNE

Finally, we actually get to what everyone wants to see, which is Corinne and only Corinne. Watching her smile while she knows she’s getting the loudest WOO was so great. Could have watched that for 3 hours. Corinne was made for television.

corinne smiling

Corinne was full-out Corinne last night, giving zero fucks and refusing to apologize for anything. She was backed the entire way by Josephine, who is apparently obsessed with Corinne in what appears to be some kind of LeFou/Gaston situation.

Chris Harrison even drags Taylor up there and it turns out everyone hates her kind of more than they hate Corinne.

Taylor: I struggle with the shaming of me being a mental health counselor. I feel very—
Corinne:

Corinne Women Tell All

Taylor then tells us that Corinne has jeopardized her career as a mental health counselor. EARTH TO TAYLOR. You went on The Bachelor. If you didn’t want to jeopardize your career you should have just applied to be Eileen Davidson’s therapist on RHOBH.

The only thing close to an apology that came out of Corinne’s mouth last night was when she said “I’m sorry I was fucking tired!” in response to Jasmine’s bizarre tirade against naps (“Babies take naps!!”—okay so you don’t like babies?) and then she even manages to mind-fuck Taylor into apologizing for saying she didn’t want to be friends, which is exactly why Corinne is queen. She also takes this opportunity to clear up the whole “being an adult woman with a nanny” thing, by explaining that she only called Raquel her “nanny” to avoid calling her a housekeeper, because Raquel means too much to her to be considered “just a housekeeper.” For future reference, Corinne, the word “friend” also exists. 

Then everyone is served cheese pasta that I’m assuming took Raquel many hours to make, and Corinne goes back to her seat to get ready for BIP.

Read: Corinne & Chad Are Texting And Hanging Out
 

 

NICK RETURNS

The girls got the opportunity to yell at a surprisingly not dry-eyed Nick Viall last night and all the most random ones took that chance. While Corinne, who actually had a legit relationship with Nick, stayed pretty chill and just stuck to trying to eye-fuck Nick from her seat.

Lacey: Don’t talk to your kinda girlfriend about your other kinda girlfriend.
Chris: Unless he was putting you in the friend zone.
Nick: We’re not even friends who the fuck is this woman? And who the fuck did her nose contouring?

Then Alexis chimes in with some realness. The girl may not know the difference between a dolphin and a shark, but at least she knows where she stands. 

alexis bachelor tell all

Danielle L also took the opportunity to show off her fake crying skills, forcing Nick to go over, in detail, how when she first arrived in the house he was excited because she is hot but then they hung out and she was boring so he sent her home right after she said she loved him.

Danielle: I wish you’d sent me home and not put me on a 2-on-1 date.
Chris Harrison: Yeah that’s not how the thing you signed up for works, and sorry you’re not the Bachelorette, we know you tried hard.

Then The Bachelor very classily forced Kristina to relive her abusive childhood, which Liz took as an opportunity to make another drunken speech about feminism while Kristina looked on like, “bitch don’t steal my applause.”

RACHEL IS THE BACHELORETTE

rachel penguin onesie

Finally at the end of the show we get to see Rachel, who was unfortunately not wearing her penguin onesie and was instead wearing some weird asymmetrical thing. The girls all gushed over her and pretended to be really excited for her while secretly wanting to stab her eye out.

women tell all

Rachel: It is an honor to be the first black Bachelorette. I’m so humbled.

Honestly, the best part about the finale being next week is that we’re all one step closer to seeing Alexis and Corinne again on Paradise. TEAM DOLPHIN. 

Read this week’s Bachelor recap here!