Leonardo DiCaprio is like, the king of the dad bod. Sure, he had a pretty good run as one of the hottest guys in the history of ever, but unlike the other regulation hotties in Hollywood (I’m looking at you, Brad and George), Leo has kind of let himself go. I mean, nobody was expecting him to stay Jack Dawson-level perfect forever, but he did date a Spice Girl in the ‘90s, and that kind of feels like the closest thing this world has to a dip in the fountain of youth.
Before you go and turn into the nice police on me, let it be stated that I’m not trying to tear into Leo for his physical appearance. I’m just investigating what exactly happened that made us look at photos of him and think, “Oh no,” instead of, “Fuck yeah.” I’m also kind of calling for a little social action here. Leo’s obv out here living his best life, doing shit like watching Salt Bae cook for him and partying with models. He’s just doing it with no fucks given, and everyone is pretty much just nodding their heads like, “Yeah, this is fine!” All I want is for that kind of support if I decide to let myself go, you know? Like, if I want to run around belly out while squirting a water gun, I would hope that the general consensus would be the same semi-hesitant support Leo gets. That’s really all I ask for in this life. Anyway, let’s look into this further.
In 2013, Leo was definitely still a fox. I know this because he starred in The Great Gatsby AND Wolf of Wall Street that year. If you can look good rolling down steps while tripping on quaaludes in a pair of sweatpants, you are untouchable.
In 2014, TMZ started calling him Leonardo DiFlabrio and said that even though he had boobs, he was still hot, because he’s Leo DiCaprio and bangs models. This was also the year of the infamous water gun photos.
In 2015, Leo was rocking a man bun and a beard that was a little Trader Joe’s cashier-y, but it worked, because he was busy being like, an environmentalist or something.
In 2016, Leo finally won an Oscar and looked really good. That is all.
2017 is a shitty year, but Leo made it better by hanging out with Kate Winslet in Saint-Tropez. This moment was really too good for all of us, and honestly, I think the world (or at least the internet) would have ended if he had been super jacked for this occasion. It would’ve been too much to handle, so Leo basically did us a favor by keeping the scales balanced.
Most recently, DiCaprio was spotted whipping around in a Volvo. He looked pretty decent. Maybe we’ll never get peak Leo back, but I’m feeling optimistic about the future.