As Americans who proudly DGAF about sports but still want to partake in a national tradition we’ll never understand, we really have no other choice than to eat an endless amount of calories during the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are known to include every American high-fat culinary embarrassment from mac and cheese to spicy wings, and unless you intend on getting through the game by drinking a room-temp Corona Light and pretending to understand what’s going on, you’ll be eating. Making healthy choices during the Super Bowl is almost impossible, but if you’re looking to host or attend a Super Bowl party without eating a month’s worth of calories in one day, here are the foods to avoid and some healthier alternatives to consider:
1. Fully Loaded Nachos
Super bowl nachos are basically a death sentence, but they’re also tragically amazing. Like, whoever invented these was definitely stoned and had definitely been working too many hours at Taco Bell. If you really insist on having some, try grabbing from the corners of the bowl, where the chips aren’t completely drenched in cheese and sour cream. If you’re hosting your own party, bake your own zucchini chips or kale chips and season the shit out of them. They’re obviously not hardcore nachos, but they’re way less calories and still taste good, so don’t knock it.
2. Buffalo Wings
Apparently Americans eat 1.33 billion chicken wings during the Super Bowl every year, and they all regret it the next morning. Wings are always a bad call if you’re trying to stay somewhat healthy. Don’t try to convince yourself that you need protein, because it just doesn’t count. If you’re making your own, try a basic recipe with no added sugars, using just tomato sauce, garlic, onion, honey, apple cider vinegar, paprika, and salt and pepper. Always bake instead of fry. If you’re eating them out of a red KFC bucket, they’re probably a lot worse for you than you’d think. Put down the wings.
3. Pigs In A Blanket
Okay, YUM. If you didn’t spend your adolescent years heating up frozen pigs in a blanket and french fries after school, I’m so sorry for you. These are addictive, but honestly unless you have the self control of a Victoria’s Secret model, don’t get started with these. You’d think they’re so small and harmless, but eating only four of these equates to over 20 grams of fat, so be careful. You tell yourself you’ll only have a few, and then suddenly you’re Guy Fieri going ham at a random diner in the midwest. If you need something to snack on while
refreshing Instagram watching the game, I’d stick with pita chips and hummus as a safer option.
4. Queso Dip
We already spoke about cheesy nachos, but let’s take a moment to discuss queso, the dip that is essentially glorified melted cheese. With some butter and milk. Maybe a sprinkle of garlic and cayenne pepper, but we all know the cheese is the real star here. This dip is a heart attack in a bowl, and honestly it’s really not worth the calories if you’re *basically* sober at 5pm on a Sunday. If there’s guac around, go for that instead, and if you’re making your own dip, find a spinach artichoke dip recipe made with Greek yogurt and light mayo. It’s a fraction of the calories, it’s delish, and if it means avoiding 400 grams of fat, we’re here for it.
Chili is made in different ways so we can’t say all of them are horrible for you, but usually, if you’re consuming a dish made from ground beef, beer, and sour cream, we’re gonna suggest you stay away. Chili is also one of those dishes where no one really has any perception of a serving size, so you just end up eating it like you’re a bottomless pit who just finished a Yom Kippur fast. Instead, go for the salmon burger, the grilled chicken, or even the meatballs would be a better option. At least in that case you can count how many you’ve had.
We’ve already accepted the fact that you’ll be blackout by the halftime show, so let’s disregard alcohol calories for a second. If you’re mixing your drinks with soda, or even worse, just sipping on a Regular Sprite because you’re not in the mood for water, put the cup down. You’re eating enough calories at this party to feed a small village. You really don’t need to drink your (non-alcoholic) calories, too. Keep your alcohol choices simple and avoid all regular sodas and sugary syrups. If you’re making a mixed drink, stick with zero-calorie options like La Croix or Diet Coke instead. Straight vodka works too. It’s a long game.
Images: Niklas Rhose / Unsplash. Giphy.
The Super Bowl is coming and, while we have to pretend to care about the goddamn Patriots AGAIN, we can at least distract ourselves with yummy food.
But don’t get too fucking distracted; you could end up eating 4,000 calories if you aren’t careful, and no one likes a beached whale. Here are our foolproof pointers for what you can and can’t eat during this year’s assortment of Super Bowl parties. Good luck out there.
1. Chips And Salsa—Not Chips And Dip
It’s a thin line, but it’s fucking there. If you MUST partake in a salty snack, skip the onion dip and chips (yes, even if they’re fucking baked) and opt for the tortilla dips and salsa. Six tablespoons of salsa will set you back about 45 calories, while six tablespoons of onion dip will set you back about 180 calories. Add in a handful of greasy potato chips and you may as well dive head first into a box of Twinkies.
2. Always Skip The Wings
Yes, even though you’re thinking “omg they’re so little,” did you know that ONE buffalo chicken wing would require you running the length of a football field 12 times to burn off? Yeah. Let that sink in. If you MUST have wings, opt for original—NEVER go for the garlic-parmesan-teriyaki-whatever or boneless. They’re heavier in calories and salt than most basic wings. Plus, the bone-in wings force you to eat more slowly, letting you really think about the amount of calories you’re putting into your body. Hooray.
3. Choose Liquor Over Beer
Obvs you’re going to drink, so opt for something like a vodka soda over a heavy beer. You’ll be forced to sip in order to avoid blacking out, AND you won’t have to deal with a beer gut/bloaty-farty feelings later. If liquor isn’t on the menu, opt for a light beer.
You need them? Then pick from the bottom of the pile. This will limit your cheese intake and cut some calories. Also, grab some jalapeños, because spice equals faster metabolism.
5. Load Up On Veggies As Soon As You Walk In
We obviously all know you should stand next to the veggie tray, but we know eating only vegetables for a fucking four hour game is cruel and unusual. Instead, as soon as you get to the party, load up on as many veggies as you can without looking like a weirdo. Then, chug a ton of water. Wait about a half hour, then you can indulge…a little. The veggies and water will fill your stomach with good things so as to combat your ability to eat shit you shouldn’t.
6. Subs And Sandwiches
These are usually around during Super Bowl parties. If they are, opt for the one on whole wheat with no mayo and lots of meat. Shit, pile a few celery sticks and carrots on there so as to fill up faster. Oh, and remove the cheese. Sorry. You could also remove all the bread and roll the meat and cheese around celery/carrot sticks. Sure, you’ll look like a fucking weirdo, but at least you aren’t eating carbs.