Last night marked the beginning of the end, the premiere of the last season of Scandal. Can we please have a moment of silence for Olivia Pope and her incredible collection of winter white coats? **Pause** Thank you. Before I continue, how tf is Scandal ending before Grey’s Anatomy? Are you high, Shonda? Grey’s hasn’t been worth a shit since my junior prom, and Scandal is still amazing. Sigh… I should have gone into television. But back to the point. There’s only one good way to say goodbye to our favorite political DC betch: With her fave meal, aka popcorn and wine. Fucking duh. In preparation for the big farewell, we’ve done a wine pairing for all the SkinnyPop flavors, so you can avoid getting fat off movie theater butter and not look like a total wine newb, by mixing shit that doesn’t go together.
And if you’re wondering who made me wine goddess and how I even know what I’m talking about, I consulted with my friend who’s a level 2 sommelier, so this shit is legit.
1. White Cheddar + Cabernet
Before all you SkinnyPop aficionados @ me about how there’s aged white cheddar and regular white cheddar and which one goes with what, I’m putting them both here, because they’re basically the fucking same. A cab is rich and full-bodied and brings out the intense flavor of sharp cheddar, making it the perfect wine choice for all you cheesy popcorn lovers.
2. Jalapeño + Sauvignon Blanc
This pairing doesn’t just go for popcorn, you can pretty much use this with any type of green pepper-infused food. Sauvignon Blanc, specifically from New Zealand, has bright green pepper notes that complement the spicy jalapeño flavor.
3. Pepper Jack + Rosé
The newest popcorn to join the SkinnyPop fam, pepper jack is a perfect match for rosé. Because jack cheese is extremely mild, you’re going to want a light wine that doesn’t overpower it. Like the jalapeño/sav b combo, the brightness of rosé is great with the heat the peppers bring to the mix.
4. Original + Chardonnay
A buttery chardonnay with buttery original SkinnyPop? Groundbreaking.
5. Naturally Sweet + Riesling
At this point, you’re probs picking up on the idea that you match the flavor of the popcorn with the undertones of the wine. So the sugary Naturally Sweet variety is going to be best paired with a sweeter wine like Riesling. And no. Not a moscato, because that’s disgusting, and you’re better than that. You might as well put fucking Welch’s in a wine glass, if that’s your vino of choice.
6. Sea Salt & Pepper + Pinot Noir
Tbh, you can pretty much pair this with anything, because it’s just a little S&P. Nothing too crazy, flavor wise. But our profesh opinion is that if this is your go-to popcorn flavor, you pick up a nice pinot noir to wash it down. Pinots tend to have a peppery note to them that will enhance the, you guessed it, pepper.
Hold on to your butts, because we know a good idea when we see one. For years, betches have been sticking frozen popsicles into their alcohol—or at the very least, drinking while eating some sort of frozen confection outside. We decided it was time to address this trend with our top fav combos so that you can stay hydrated, cool, and drunk come summer. The best part is that you don’t have to be good at mixing, recipe-ing, or cooking in general for any of these. Stick a popsicle in some booze and you’re good to fucking go.
1. Fudgsicle + Kahlua And Bailey’s
If you love a Mudslide and chocolate everything (and/or if you’re PMSing), try this combo. Grab a classic Fudgsicle or, if you’re health-conscious, try GoodPop’s Chocolate Milk pop (no added sugar, non GMO, blah blah) and literally stick it in a glass full of ice, Bailey’s, and Kahlua.
2. Lime Popsicle + Vodka Soda
Are you super hardcore? Make yourself your usual vodka soda and plop in a lemon or lime popsicle. The citrus will cut the harshness of the vodka and you’ll feel hella refreshed because we know you forgot to pick up actual limes when you were at the store.
3. Berry Popsicle + Rosé
This one is a fucking no-brainer. If you’re not in the mood for hard alcohol, grab some rosé and stick in a strawberry or berry flavored popsicle. It’s refreshing and you can act better than everyone else because, like, rosé.
4. Creamsicle + Champagne
We fucking love mimosas, so make one popsicle style. Pour a glass of Champagne and stick in an orange or creamsicle flavored pop. What a great way to start the day—nutritious (not really…) and delicious (definitely).
5. Pineapple Popsicle + Coconut Rum
We love a Piña Colada—reminds us of spring break (or at least it would if we hadn’t been blackout 90% of the time). Combine your fave coconut rum with a pineapple popsicle and you’ll feel like you’re sitting on your own island.
6. Melon Popsicle + Riesling
If you live near a Kroger, grab a box of melon pops and stick one in your glass of Riesling wine. The melon plays off the sweetness and results in a super refreshing poolside drink. Noms.
7. Lime Popsicle + Ginger Beer
Love a Moscow mule? Grab a ginger beer, throw in some vodka like, if you want, and stick in a lime popsicle. This relationship with Russia is A-OK in our book (too soon?).
8. Blueberry Popsicle + Ginger Beer
Sounds weird and is not. We’ve already established that drinking gin may make you a psycho, but seemingly less scary would be adding a fun and fruity blueberry popsicle to your drink. Try Outshine Blueberry Medley which is stupidly easy to find in the freezer section. Shit, you could even use Bombay Sapphire for blue drank that’ll make you feel like a rapper. SIPPIN’ ON GIN AND JUICE.
9. Lemon Popsicle + Long Island Iced Tea
If you’re looking to a) get really fucked up and b) possibly ruin tomorrow with a hangover, it’s gotta be a Long Island Iced Tea! Cut the alcohol with a bracing lemon popsicle. You’ll feel like a kid again, except significantly drunker.
10. Lime Popsicle + Margarita
Unsurprisingly, any citrus works for this shit. Make your margarita, salt on the rim and all, then stick in a lemon or lime pop. Shit, you could even skip the margarita mix, throw some tequila over the rocks and add in your pop. The world is your oyster.
Drinking as a Chosen One is a tough job. At least twice per year we have to throw our tastebuds to the wind and partake in Kosher food AND wine that sometimes, really, does not cut it in terms of taste. I mean, I’m still not convinced that Manischewitz is a wine and not just mislabeled juice. It’s a centuries-long conspiracy, I’m telling you! Anyway, lucky for you and my tinfoil hat, we scoured the internet for the best kosher for Passover wines so you A) don’t have to suffer through another glass of Manischewitz and B) can get Passover drunk like an adult. Check out lists here, here, here, oh—and here, for even more suggestions.
1. Drappier Carte D’or Brut
Literally any holiday calls for some bubbly, and this Champagne is Kosher AND palatable. Mostly Pinot Noir grapes make up this dry, crisp, and fruity bubbly drank. Pop this shit and feel like Drake at his bar mitzvah.
2. Domaine du Castel Grand Vin
Since this blend of Cabernet Sauvignon and Bordeaux varietals is produced in the Judean Hills of Israel, it’s no wonder it’s decent kosher for Passover wine. It’s smooth, it’s got tons of berry and (non-bitter) herb flavor, AND it works perfectly with brisket.
3. Yarden Odem Chardonnay 2008
If Bubbie usually puts out a bowl of matzah ball or chicken soup for Passover, bring this Chardonnay. It’s produced by Victor Schoenfeld, a true baller in the Israeli wine arena. It smells like spring fruit and is made with organically grown grapes from northern Galilee, so you know it’s legit. If your family is legit and you typically have both soup and brisket, bring wines 2 and 3—fucking duh. I mean, you are supposed to drink at least four glasses, so. It’s what Elijah would want.
4. Capçanes Peraj Ha’abib Flor de Primavera, Montsant, Spain 2009
It’s a mouthful to explain, so you know it’s good. This red is a blend of Grenache, Carignan, and Cab Sauv, so it goes nicely with something like a roast chicken or turkey, if that’s how you do Passover. It’s one of the more popular Kosher wines in Spain—which, I’m not really sure how big of a sample size that is. But, shit, you know Spanish people know their wines. Trust.
5. Bartenura Moscato
The famous blue bottle of Moscato from Italy has been a staple in kosher households for years. You might have even seen those “Hello Bluetiful” ads on a nearby bus stop or billboard and thought to yourself how cheesy and/or dumb of an ad slogan that was. Well, this is that wine! The wine is better than the marketing campaign, trust me. It’s smooth, sweet, but not overtly sweet. Sound familiar? That’s cause DJ Khaled has been known to drink it out of the bottle. Kosher wine being featured in a hip-hop video—that’s what Moses was really fighting for.
6. NV Laurent-Perrier Cuvée Rosé Brut
Rosé Champagne for the win—the berry-forward, bubbly, and almost nutty drank goes really well with anything salty, like your aunt Sharon’s attitude towards your dating life. JK, break out the fried smelts and brisket.
7. 2014 Covenant Israel Syrah
Yeah, this bottle retails around $70, but it’s also dark with fruit, licorice, cloves, and is intense in the best way. I don’t really know who reading this is spending $70 on kosher wine—or any wine, for that matter—but if you are, more power to you. And also: adopt me?
8. 2013 Carmel Kayona Riesling
This isn’t your normal honey-sweet Reisling. It’s more of a dry variety, with some citrus and nuttiness. It goes well with chicken, soup, and other light fare, so knock this back during appetizer hour and/or sip it on the low when your dad is passing out the matzah/bitter herb/charoset sandwiches.
9. Baron Herzog Chenin Blanc
What goes with matzah? This Chenin Blanc which is inexpensive, not too dry, and highly rated. It also pairs well with veggies and white fish, so you’re pretty much set on the whole Passover wine pairing thing. Honestly, though, if you eat matzah of your own volition and not just because it’s forced upon us AND like it so much that you’re pairing it with wine, I’m calling the police. You are not well.
10. 2014 Flam Classico Judean Hills
Bordeaux and a hint of Syrah make this wine great with literally (like, almost) anything. The winemaker behind it studied in Italy before heading back to the Promised Land, and it shows.
Betches of the Northeast and Midwest, prepare to bitch about the weather like never before (or at least since 2014), because another Polar Vortex is on its way to fuck everything up. In case you were too wrapped up in your own drama to notice the last one, here’s a recap: In January 2014, Mother Nature watched too much Game of Thrones and decided that winter was fucking coming for America. Not just any old winter, but the coldest one since some of us were still fledgling betches on the playground. Needless to say, everyone spent it stuck inside somewhere. The lucky ones were at home with several bottles of wine; the not-so-lucky had to abandon their cars on the side of the road like it was the apocalypse.
Once you wound up somewhere warm and drunk, it was actually pretty fun. Which is nice, because apparently a less intense Polar Vortex is predicted to hit the Midwest and Northeast this week. I say this with utmost admiration: Mother Nature is a frigid bitch.
Obviously, the only way to deal with this is with alcohol and TV. Here are 9 wine/Netflix combinations to get you through the week.