If you’ve read anything we’ve ever written post-solar apocalypse, you’re probably aware of this thing called cuffing season. If said articles don’t interest you, I guess we
need better clickbait don’t blame you. But basically what we’ve been trying to get at is that cuffing season and its stigma really fucking blows (duh). So what if I told you there is someone who can fulfill all your cuffing season needs? Someone who’s readily available at any given hour, who fully supports your alcohol tolerance junk food habits, and who won’t judge you for wearing the same VS sweatpants four nights in a row? Lol jk, that’s just some make-believe Cinderella fairytale bullshit, but there is one thing that does contain all the same exact qualities, and that thing is Netflix.
Like, think about it—when was the last time a guy checked in on you every 30 minutes to see if you were still invested? I’ll take “in your fucking dreams” for $500, Alex. But I bet you can’t say the same about Netflix. And perhaps the biggest turn-on of all is that Netflix knows you better than you damn well know yourself. That’s right. Your Netflix queue says a lot about who you are as a person, and most importantly, your complete lack of dating life. Your brazen transparency isn’t fooling anyone from your recent Bridget Jones binge to the OJ docu-series, so I’m going to politely ask you to remove your fucking claw from the Hot Cheetos bag and press pause on Storage Wars, because you’re in for a rude awakening. Here’s why you’re single, according to your Netflix queue.
Your nightly binge of CSI and Law & Order: SVU reveals so much about how much of a legit serial psycho you are in relationships that it’s been analyzed by actual doctors. Betchy psychiatrist Dr. Sharon Packer used a term I literally think to myself every day about my coworkers: “I could kill them.” She found that watching someone actually commit murder on screen gives us the sense of relief that it wasn’t us, like, “thank god I didn’t take a pencil to Martha’s head today since someone else did.” Basically, you revel in the pleasure that is other peoples’ screwed up issues, but on second thought, isn’t that the sole purpose of staying single?
RomComs With A Strong Female Lead
If you’re constantly watching movies featuring a female lead who “don’t need no man,” you probably also live by shit like “Women aren’t meant to be tamed” plastered on your Instagram bio and ironically enough, that quote comes from the mouth of the character who ran straight back to some rich fuckboy that left her at the altar. Your friends are constantly telling you that guys just suck and to never settle as a means of hoping you’ll shut up about why guys suck come every Sunday brunch. You live for blaming everyone else for your problems (same), so might I suggest a little less Sex and the City and a little more Why Men Love Bitches?
Don’t get me wrong—Netflix originals are pure gold and feature a little bit of everything. But think about this: They’re like the Krispy Kremes of the streaming world. Do you ever see them advertised? No. Because they don’t need to be. Sure, the word-of-mouth advertising speaks for itself, but you’re not Okja or a fucking glazed donut for that matter, and you’re not going to meet someone while practicing a strict dress code of sweatpants and concert tees while other people blab about how great you are. I’m sorry, but that’s something only plausible in Sleepless in Seattle. Your choice of recently watched Netflix picks might prove you to be a try-everything-once kind of girl, but if you don’t actually try to put yourself out there for once, the only late-night texts you’ll be receiving are from Javier from Postmates.
Reality Television Shows
If you find yourself taking relationship advice from Jax Fucking Taylor every Thursday night, then we’ve got much bigger problems here and truthfully, I don’t get paid enough to sit here and tell you why you suck at relationships. But regardless, I still need to get paid so here I am. This should be a no-brainer.
My friends Studies show that the more reality TV being watched, the more narcissistic you tend to be (like, no shit). I mean, you’ll never see the loser on Cupcake Wars gracefully accepting his loss. He’s using his exit interview to shit on the others as though the judges will magically take him back. Sort of like how I continuously subtweet my ex, but that’s beside the point.
I’m all for getting brushed up on knowledge and investing a stupid amount of my day in a juicy documentary about harmful processed foods only to make me crave Taco Bell after, but there comes a point where the 27 dieting documentaries on my queue make me feel personally victimized. If you hadn’t realized by now, guys are more sensitive than an ovulating female watching a sad Sarah McLachlan puppy commercial. When you become overly critical, guys run for the fucking hills (hence why you’re reading this). You may be a closet intellect, but when it comes to relationships, you’ve begun to cross the line from Olivia Pope to Taylor’s over-usage of the term “emotional intelligence” and how he probably has none. Like, a guy didn’t ask for your critique on his Nick Viall lisp or that face he made during sex that one time, just like nobody asked for a documentary rattling off the dangers of alcohol. That’s what Snapchat receipts and Plan B are for.
Forget everything I just said—boyfriends may come and go, but Disney classics are forever. “I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice fucking day.” — Meg
JK YOU THOUGHT. This should be pretty obvious, but then again if you’re taking relationship inspiration from people like Prince Eric who see a mute naked girl on a beach and immediately think “wifey material”, I can see why you’re here. If your Netflix queue consists solely of movies that are in the Disney vault, you’re clearly one of those Disney Princess freaks who like, wears Disney Princess bikinis and Instagrams shit like “Waiting for the day my prince will come”. In other words, guys can pick up on your desperation from kingdoms far away. Honestly, you need a dose of reality. More than one of these so-called “princes” was only able to seduce his princess WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING. That should tell you something about the caliber of their game. Also, Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella but couldn’t remember what her face looked like? How does that make sense? The more I think about it, the more it dawns on me that these princes are all giant fuckboys and if you’re over here idolizing them, then that is why you’re single.