Unfortunately this isn’t an April Fool’s joke, and it’s too early for 4/20, but the New York Post (sigh) just published an article called “Why I Won’t Date Hot Women Anymore” which is exactly as obnoxious and anger-inducing as it sounds. I mean, before we even get into the article, we’re pretty sure the #1 reason he won’t date hot women is because they don’t want to date him. But that’s just an educated guess. Like, the article should really be called “Why I won’t date hot women that don’t want to date me anymore”. But before we get into things, I’d recommend taking a Lipitor or some other medication that lowers your blood pressure, because if not you’re probably going to have a rage blackout. Don’t say I didn’t wart you.
The article highlights 40-year-old decidedly not-hot man, Dan Rochkind, and his change of heart when it comes to hot supermodel girlfriends—because all of us were definitely wondering. He talks about how he used to date models, but now, because he’s just such a charitable and nice guy, he downgraded to women who are just regularly beautiful. I think I speak for all of the non-model female population when I say, thank you Dan, for your contributions to womankind. If I had the authority to do so, I’d nominate you for a Nobel Peace Prize. But alas, I’m probably not hot enough.
Anyway, Dan is now engaged to a run-of-the-mill gorgeous woman without a modeling contract. Here’s how he describes his now-fiancée:
“ is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, and she’s very elegant,” Rochkind says. “And she’s 5-foot-2, so she can’t be a runway model, but I think she’s really beautiful and is prettier than anyone I’ve dated.”
Wow, I bet she must be so flattered. And really, our hearts and prayers go out to Dan, deigning to date a woman who is too short to be a runway model. We are here for you and your second chin in this trying time.
“I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation” https://t.co/AhlGGUPKQa
— New York Post (@nypost) April 13, 2017
Basically this article is like a “where are they now” for guys who followed Neil Strauss in their 20’s. They thought they could trick insecure hot girls into dating them, and once everyone figured out these dudes were just assholes all along, the girls got bored and dumped them. And now they’ve decided to blame the hot girls for things not working out. Okay sure, checks out. Here’s a quote from the article on why he doesn’t like hot girls: “’the prettiest young things had its drawbacks — he found them flighty, selfish and vapid.’” Please Dan, tell us more about how these girls are “selfish” and “vapid”, as you pose with your beer for a New York Post article about how you refuse to date hot women.
But don’t worry, in the name of #feminism, the article also details a couple of women who
are delusional have sworn off hot guys—one of whom is 23 years old and clearly takes herself way too seriously, looking for guys who “makes the most out of their lives” despite the fact that she herself has been alive for less than a quarter of a century. She works in PR and is from New Jersey, though, so it kind of makes sense why she sucks so much.
But back to Dan, the real hero of the article. It says, “Dan Rochkind used to date swimsuit models, but he’s happier now that he’s engaged to a merely beautiful woman, Carly Spindel.” We wouldn’t be surprised if he called her “merely beautiful” in their wedding vows. What do you think the difference between being “hot” and “merely beautiful” to Dan is? We bet it has something to do with being able to see through his bullshit.
Somehow we can’t imagine there are any Victoria’s Secret models out there brokenhearted and hoping Dan will change his stance on dating hot people. We’re also pretty convinced his fiancée is only dating him because he’s gaslighting her into thinking she’s not actually hot. Like, she’s a regulation hottie by all standards. Except for his, obviously.
Honestly, we all know guys like Dan and girls like Carly, and it’s time we stop minding our own business and put a stop to this shit. Tell your friends they’re hot. Don’t let their boyfriends tell them, for instance, they would be so much hotter if they were just a little taller. And it goes without saying, but stop dating these assclowns who think they’re doing you a favor by dating you. Please. Can you imagine finding out your friend is engaged to a self-absorbed prick who says shit like “I could have I wanted” on record to a fucking newspaper right before he gets married? Just think about what will happen if his fiancée, like, gets gray hair, or—God forbid—gains a little weight and is knocked down a peg from “merely beautiful” to “just cute” or something. I would kind of love to read a follow-up article a few years into their marriage, or even just right after Carly reads what the NY Post and her own fucking fiancé said about her looks. Unlike Carly, I have a feeling it’s not gonna be pretty.
Anyway. Carly. Girl. If you’re reading this, blink twice if you need help.