It’s no secret that betches live for LaCroix. It is bubbly calorie-less deliciousness in a can and they make tremendous mixers and come in a shit ton of flavors. What more could you ask for in a beverage? We even ranked them by betchiness to help you make a wise, informed, non-shitty decision. You’re welcome, btw. Of course, the regular suspects were all at the top: pamplemousse (or grapefruit for English speakers) and all the Curatés. Fucking duh. But then they went and released tangerine La Croix and fucked up our list because holy shit it’s good. Like incredibly good. But instead of re-doing the whole thing and it being the exact same list with one addition, we’re just gonna tell you everything you need to know about the yummy new can on the block.
First things first, it’s not THAT new to some peeps in “select markets” *cough* LA and New York *cough*, but, just like everything that starts in the cool cities, now it’s becoming mainstream so we can all have it. Unless, of course, you live in bumfuck nowhere and don’t have a Whole Foods nearby or anything. Actually, that’s not even an excuse. You can order La Croix on Amazon. If you’re not drinking it, that’s on you. Sorry.
If you like the citrus flavors—which you do, because they’re the best chasers—tangerine is about to be your shit. Like, if you’re married to orange or lemon—fuck, maybe even pamplemousse—tangerine is bound to be your new sexy, free-spirited mistress. In terms of flavor, tangerine finds herself (yes, it’s a girl) somewhere in between having no taste at all and being so sweet you feel like you’re having a watered down Mountain Dew. It’s bright and fresh, and is hands down one of the bubbliest, which is key to achieving prime LaCroix status. Looking at you, coconut.
But I know what you’re all wondering: 1) What’s the best alcohol to mix tangerine with? Great question. I personally recommend vodka or tequila. Vodka because duh and tequila because it’s like a little spin on a marg but it won’t make you fat, and 2) Where would it fall on the betchy La Croix ranking? That one is a lot harder. On the one hand, it’s my new fave flave. But I’m having a hard time taking the crown from the OG effervescent treat, pamplemousse. So let’s just say this… It’s def in the top three. Sorry lemon/lime, looks like you may have just gotten a demotion.
It’s not chic to talk about money if you have money, but it’s also very unbetchy to get ripped off. You’re so lucky you have us, because we did the research on things you’re overpaying for. I know, we’re such a good friend. Like, did you know that when you buy tampons you have to pay a luxury tax on top of regular sales tax? As in, using a tampon is like a luxury. Yes, we know we’re so blessed to not be pregnant every month, but calling tampons a luxury is a stretch. Not to mention, at like $8 a box for the non-shitty cardboard kind, tampons are already priced as a luxury so what gives? Anyway, here’s the top five ways the fuckboys of big businesses are ripping you off. Just because you hate doing work doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to keep all the money you didn’t work (that hard) for, so hang on to your cash and stop overpaying for shit.
Remember when Venus first came out and we were all singing the catchy song from the commercial? Those bright pink and blue razors were so pretty we didn’t even notice that we were being charged more for razors than men that literally do the same shit. Literally we are paying for pretty colors. Like the nickname for it is “the pink tax”. Female razor costs a few dollars more than men’s almost always, and the only difference is the way it’s marketed. LITERALLY. Don’t let that “soap strip” or whatever the fuck fool you—your sparkly pink razor is not getting you a better shave. In fact, most men’s razors work better, because they’re designed to get rid of bros’ hair and bros just have thicker hair. So even though it might feel like you’re showering at a frat house, you should buy a man’s razor and stop paying more for a shitty pink one. And honestly, any fuckboy who sees a men’s razor in your shower is bound to get jealous thinking you’ve got another guy in your life, and this will make him try harder. So it’s a win for you, your wallet, and your legs. I see no downside here.
This one kills us too. Saving up for your first Kelly Bag was a rite of passage, like getting your period or dating your first older bro. But the truth is, even with the nicest leather and hand-stitching or whatever, you’re still paying way too much for handbags. Just the idea of having dozens of bags because you can’t wear the same one everyday is something that bros don’t even have to worry about. They literally put their shit in pockets, which we could do if we weren’t so skinny that pockets don’t work for us. But even though our figures are too tight for storing keys, wallet, phone, we could potentially still own considerably less purses than we do. According to this bro blog, a genuine leather bag on the high end costs $100-$150. Which we laugh at because that wouldn’t even buy a clutch at an accessible brand like… ugh, Coach. Anyway, you’re paying too much for bags. Like you could own several cars if you stopped buying bags. But you’re not going to, obvs, and we totally understand.
3. Dry Cleaners
Your dry cleaner charges more for betches than bros. Like if you bring the exact same shirt to a dry cleaners but one is a female version and one is a male, the female one will cost twice or even three times more. Dry cleaning companies claim that it’s because the female shirts don’t fit in their machines, but the truth is women will pay the higher price for clothing care and men won’t. And everyone is sexist and the world is a terrible place, bye. It goes even deeper than cleaning clothes, though. Men’s clothes are priced lower than women’s in general. Plus we shop way more than men so we’re buying at least twice as much shit on a regular basis. Ugh, we feel used. At least female models make way more than male models, so we get a win there. Maybe try having your boyfriend drop off your dry cleaning and see if they charge you less. IDK.
If you’re a betch that procrastinates as most of us do, you probably end up paying more for your airline tickets because you book them closer to when you need them. If you really want to get a good deal on airline tickets, you need to set flight deal alerts on websites that do that, so someone tells you when the flight you want to your destination is lowest. Like, you can get round trip tickets from LA to New York for under $300 but you have to know when to look for them. Some websites say the best time to buy a plane ticket is 57 days out from your trip, which seems a little close but I’ll trust it. And forget everything you heard about the best day of the week to buy plane tickets being Tuesday—it’s actually Sunday, so you can quit trolling Kayak at work. Or you can just try booking your flight through United—if you’re down with being assaulted we bet you could probably get a really good deal right now.
1. Everything At Whole Foods
Whole Foods is basically a day club if you think about it. There might not be a doorman letting people in, but if you’re not wearing the right clothes (aka like you just came from yoga or SoulCylce), you’ll still feel out of place. Bananas at Whole Foods cost an average of 99 cents a pound, while they cost 70-80 cents everywhere else. Essentially, you’re paying way too fucking much for everything at Whole Foods. Like, a lot of the shit they have there is the same supplier as other grocery stores in the neighborhood, so you’re literally just paying more to be able to tell people you’re bougie af with your groceries. If you want fresh fruit and vegetables without spending half your
alcohol budget paycheck, go to the farmer’s market or literally anywhere else.