A Former Disney Star Works At The White House Now Because Of Course

With Hope Hicks on the way out, we should really not be at all surprised that the Trump administration is bringing in a replacement regulation hottie. Last night, the White House announced that former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine will be joining the administration as a hot young blonde for the brain-dead bros otherwise known as White House staff to sexually harass. Sorry, I meant to say as a press assistant.

This hire appears to be part of the White House’s grand quest to replace anyone with an actual degree or experience in public policy with a C to D-list celebrity. First we had Omarosa as Director of Communications before she left the White House for the far saner environment of Celebrity Big Brother. Now, we have Larry Kudlow of CNBC and John Bolton of Fox replacing Gary Cohn and H.R. McMaster as Economic and National Security Advisors. Adding a 22-year old former child actress into the mix to write press releases honestly seems like a logical next step at this point.

So, who is Caroline Sunshine? Let’s investigate.

Caroline is most well-known for her role as a side character on the Disney sitcom Shake It Up, which starred far more famous betches Zendaya and Bella Thorne. I imagine the three-way call in which Caroline revealed her new job to Black Lives Matter activist Zendaya did not go well. Caroline’s character was named Tinka, and from the 20 seconds of this show I was able to force myself to watch, I learned that she speaks in a bizarre European accent that might be Russian. Collusion?!

Other highlights of her entertainment career include the 2010 children’s film Marmaduke, and a 2017 lifetime movie called Mommy I Didn’t Do It. Like all failed Disney Channel stars, Caroline also attempted to become a pop singer. Her single “The Star I R” begins with the line “I’ll always be honest,” which is interesting because it is diametrically opposed to the main task of a press assistant for the Trump Administration. Luckily, I don’t think her clear lack of any basic grammar knowledge will be an issue in the White House.

On the politics side, Caroline spent her college years at Claremont McKenna, adding internships at various Republican entities to her psychotic resume. She has previously worked for House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, the College Republican National Committee, the California Republican Party, and the White House. During the semester, when she was not busy presumably blacking out or tanning, she participated in Claremont’s Model United Nations. This gives her more foreign policy experience than half of Trump’s State Department, and for that the country is eternally grateful.

A deep dive into her Instagram reveals a fascinating mix of basic bitch content (solo beach pics with dumb pun captions), TBTs from her acting days, and political posts that make very little sense.

For example, her 2016 “I Voted” insta was captioned with a quote from the Lorax, which indicates both that she has not read a book since elementary school and that she did not understand the basic concept of the Lorax, considering she is going to work for a climate change denier.

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -The Lorax GO VOTE????????

A post shared by Caroline Sunshine (@carolinesunshine) on

And then there’s this, which is most likely what comes up if you Google “pun caption for beach.” Can’t wait to see her put these skills to use in crafting the White House’s public message:

Farewell summer 2016, you crazy little sun of a beach.

A post shared by Caroline Sunshine (@carolinesunshine) on

Luckily, Hope Hicks has not yet announced the exact day of her departure from the White House, so she hopefully has time to give Caroline some hot tips on surviving the Trump Administration with her reputation intact. Just kidding, she will probably just pass down White House dating advice and a burn book.

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We Have Definitive Proof That Congress Is Just A Frat House

Isn’t every frat bro’s worst nightmare graduating and leaving the glory days behind? Well, they’re in luck because they can just run for the House of Representative and spend the night with their legislative brothers. Yes, you heard me right. Congressmen sleeping in their offices, essentially getting free housing and not paying taxes on their place of residence, all while cutting government funding programs, is apparently a thing. It’s a elected official’s fuckboy’s wet dream, really. 

WTF Is Going On?

If a building has Greek columns on it, it’s automatically a frat house, right? It seems that somewhere between 50-75 elected officials (mostly men, because duh) have chosen to essentially live at their offices. This means they are receiving all of the bennies, such as free cable, free security, and free utilities during non-office hours. Fyi, it’s potentially a violation of an ethics code that prohibits official resources from being used for personal use, so there’s that. It’s also like, really gross. Like, go stink up your own home with your morning breath, Paul Ryan.

Remind Me Why I Care?

Thirty GDI members from the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have decided the party is over and wrote a letter to the Dean of Congress, aka the House Ethics Committee. They stated that not only is it unprofessional and unsanitary, but also a misuse of government funds to live for free in the office. The CBC is on a mission to take down frat row and prohibit any lawmaker from using their office as a home too. Some women and Democrats are also partaking in the frat life, but most are also pissed and grossed out by it all. Another reason for this happening is that members are already on probation for certain bros dealing with sexual misconduct accusations. Again with the frat house similarities.

Who Wants To Live In An Office?

Members have been doing this for years and in the past have been praised for how frugal they are for couch surfing. Most members are in DC for less than 150 days a year, so paying $2,000 in rent just seems like throwing away money. In fact, members have been passed over for a pay promotion for seven years in a row now. It’s almost like they aren’t making good enough grades for Greek life to give them more funding. The office life isn’t so bad though. There is a cleaning service, en-suite bathroom, mini fridge, and microwave ready to go, exactly like my freshman year dorm. The idea of laws being made in an environment similar to my dorm life is legit terrifying.

It doesn’t seem like the House Ethics Committee is in a hurry to do anything about this, seeing as it’s been two months since they received the letter of complaint. Looks like Greek life is on for lawmakers at the White House. Rush Congress 2018! It’s not four years, it’s for life until Trump fires you.

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Images: Giphy (3)

Donald Trump Jr. Is Only Two Divorces Away From Being Just Like Dad

Ho. Lee. Shit. Another one bites the dust. And while it is someone living in the wacky world of Trumplandia, this time it’s not another appointed official throwing in the towel. It’s Don Jr.’s wife Vanessa Trump. Vanessa took to the Manhattan Supreme Court yesterday to officially file for divorce after 12 years of marriage. She decided it was time to free herself from the shackles and live her damn life, and I truly couldn’t be prouder. Either that, or she saw that Mueller subpoenaed the Trump Organization and wanted to GTFO before her husband goes to JAIL. Either way, we’re happy for ya, ‘Ness.

According to multiple inside sources, Donny J and Vanessa have been on the rocks for quite some time, and Trump Sr. becoming president was just the icing on the cake – if the cake was made of Twitter rage, orange self-tanning lotion, and sadness. Baby V was understandably upset with the intense amount of attention and scrutiny bombarding her family, and allegedly hated Don Jr.’s tweeting, calling it “unhinged.” (True, Vanessa. True.)

Just last month, Vanessa was hospitalized after receiving an envelope containing a suspicious powdered substance that was feared to be anthrax, but ended up being a false alarm. The couple also spent Valentine’s Day separately, with their five (five?! Jesus.) children, which is a clear sign that this relationship was dead and gone. If you can honestly tell me you’d rather spend the most romantic day of the year telling your snot nosed pre-teens to stop blowing straw wrappers at each other across the table instead of breaking out the molly you’ve been saving for a special occasion and having marathon sex, I have some bad news for you and your soon-to-be-ex husband.

Vanessa and Jr. met back in 2003 at a fashion show. They were introduced by none other than the big Don himself. First of all, if some creepy old dad tried to set me up with his lube-haired son, I would run for the GD hills. Vanessa clearly does not have the same standards.

However, the first introduction didn’t leave much of an impression, and when they met again at a party a few weeks later, Vanessa literally said, “Wait, you’re the one with the r*tarded dad!” Forgive me for not being shocked that someone who knew the Trump family was an avalanche of stupid but married into it anyway for money would use the r-word to describe her future father-in-law. Though, in her defense, it was 2003 when we were all low-key pretending that was okay.

Clearly, the perks did not outweigh the constant nightmare of waking up next to Donald Jr. every morning and realizing she was trapped in a perpetual hell of MAGA hats and being the “other hot blonde who isn’t Ivanka.” Vanessa, I wish you luck on your journey back into the single life. Enjoy your glow-up as you drift peacefully away from all things Trump and probably try to salvage your former modeling career by resorting to promoting flat tummy tea on Insta. Oh and Melania, I hate to tell you to just copy someone else but…your move, girl.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The White House Is Officially Hopeless

Well, the music has been turned off and the lights have been turned on for Hope Hicks’ position as Communication Director in the White House. Hope Hicks’ departure might feel very sudden, but I’m not sure what type of career longevity we’re expecting from a former handbag model turned Senior Advisor to the President.

The announcement of her resignation came not even a full day after she testified for nine hours to the House Intelligence Committee. In this testimony she admitted that she sometimes would tell “white lies” to the president. Is a white lie when the president says things like both sides are to blame for the Charlottesville incident? Oh, no – that’s a white supremacist lie. Well, if nothing else, I will say the bitch knows how to make an exit.

Supposedly she had decided it was time to step down a few days before the testimony but methinks I smell another white lie, honey. This news also follows her boyfriend Rob Porter’s departure from the White House after two of his former wives accused him of domestic abuse. Uh, hopefully she isn’t leaving to spend more time with him. Hope was known to be able to quell Trump’s anger and tone down the aggression in his tweets. If she was the only thing standing between us and a nuclear apocalypse, then sorry babe, you have to turn around and sit back down at your desk.

So what will she get up to now? Well, she is literally 29-years-old and is hot enough to get away with still going to Cancun for Spring Break, so the timing of that works out really well. It’s doubtful she’ll follow in Omarosa’s footsteps and sign up to be a on a reality show, but I also never thought Omarosa would be working in the White House, so honestly who fucking knows.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Who Is Hope Hicks And What Highlighter Does She Use?

If when you hear the words “Donald Trump” and “former model” in the same sentence, you immediately jump to sexual assault allegations or Forbes-magazine-spanking scandals, you’re not alone and I really can’t blame you. However, there’s a former model currently working in the White House as an indentured servant named Melania who might accidentally be the one who brings down the Trump presidency from the inside. So who exactly is Hope Hicks and how did she get a job in the White House with no prior political experience? Here’s what we know.

Who TF Is Hope Hicks?

Trump’s third attempt at choosing a White House Communications Director that will last more than 10 days (RIP “the Mooch”) is former model and NYC publicist, Hope Hicks. Hicks worked at a PR firm representing major celebs like the Trump family, and specifically Ivanka, who poached her to work on b0th expanding her clothing brand and then modeling her pieces as well. When clients come into our office, they usually ask me to fetch them coffee or point out the bathrooms instead of offering me my big modeling break, but I’m not bitter or anything.

Before she was a big shot publicist, Ms. Hicks still had her finger on the pulse of Manhattan’s elite in another way. Before she modeled for Ralph Lauren and Ivanka, Hope was on the cover of the Gossip Girl spinoff series about Jenny Humphrey called It Girl. Just when you thought little J could literally not get any more insufferable, she ends up working to desperately make Trump look sane in the public eye.

Ivanka clearly trusted Hope because she looks hot in her clothes to promote her family in a positive light, which led to the Big D hiring her as Communications Director because she looks hot in Ivanka’s clothes even though she’s only 29 and has no political experience whatsoever. While that is seriously impressive and, like, inspirational to young bad business bitches everywhere, I can’t think of any person in their twenties who is actually qualified to hold an official government position. Every year before 30 is still a shit-show and deserves to be treated as such before it’s socially unacceptable to end the night wasted and asleep with a bowl of mac and cheese in your bed.

Why Is She In Trouble?

As a Communications Director, it’s Hicks’ job to attempt to filter the insane shit that leaks out of Trump’s mouth to at least make him look semi-sane and to stop him from saying something that will get him in tons of trouble (TBH she’s doing a pretty terrible job as far as that’s concerned). One of her responsibilities is literally to type out Trump’s tweets as he dictates to her through greasy mouthfuls of McDonald’s, and my question is just…how could you let those get posted? A small part of your educated, press-savvy brain must be rotting away having to use the wrong “there/their” and punctuating everything with indiscriminate caps lock. I know I have a slight aneurysm every time I read one.

At the moment, Hope may be in hot water now that it was revealed that she and Trump allegedly drafted the statement together that claimed Donald Jr.’s meeting with Russian lawyers had nothing to do with dirt on Hillary Clinton and was about lifting sanctions on Russian adoption. You’re not exactly proving your PR skills, girl, because that is the least believable lie I’ve ever heard since those few months when Kylie Jenner tried to pretend she doesn’t have lip injections. It’s (literally) written all over your face.

Mark Corallo, a former legal spokesman for the Trump administration who resigned last July, claims that Hope told him Don Jr.’s emails about the meetings “will never get out,” which some might take as a threat that she plans to cover them up and prohibit anyone from seeing them – AKA obstruction of muhfuckin’ justice. Corallo plans to testify to Mueller that Hicks may have had knowledge of or intent to obstruct justice, which would lump Trump himself right into the equation if they cite the statement they drafted together about the Russia meeting.

It’s also worth noting that the PR firm Hicks previously worked for was owned by a guy who made his name as Harvey Weinstein’s publicist, so it’s clear that Hicks learned her techniques from the top of the covering-up-dubious-behavior food chain.

Oh Little H, did you learn nothing from Blair Waldorf? The secret to a good lie is making sure no one ever finds out. If you really have something to do with holding back information, it looks like your “hope” of keeping your job – and staying out of jail – might get squashed. I hope you know how to model orange jumpsuits. XOXO.

What Highlighter Does She Use?

Unfortunately Hope has not spoken out on this important topic, but hopefully Robert Mueller can include this line of questioning her in deposition. The American people deserve to know.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!