Quarantine = people cooped up with family members and roommates. This means less privacy, which can obviously screw up any solid masturbation routine. Enter: whisper-quiet sex toys! That no one will ever hear you using! And no, we’re not talking about your hands (which are equally as great, TBH).
I asked a bunch of sexperts for their favorite super quiet, borderline silent sex toys that are safe to use no matter where you live, who you’re living with, and where you’re using them, and here’s what they said. I also dropped a few of my personal favorites below because I basically test sex toys for a living. So whether you’re in bed, in the shower, or in the room next to your parents, go grab one of these toys and enjoy a secret solo masturbation sesh.
1. SKYN Thrill
Once upon a time in high school, I was made fun of for having a lipstick vibrator in my bag. Now, I write about sex on the internet. Anyway, SKYN’s Thrill bullet vibe is designed as a travel-sized tube of lipstick, so it’s super discreet, unlike how I bragged about my top-secret vibrator to my friends back in the day. This “makeup” has three speeds (which are all quiet), is waterproof, and is even gold plated. Masturbate in private like an undercover boss.
Surprise! Lube is a sex toy—an awesome and silent one, too. “Lubricant is an amazing way to enhance any sexual experience, but if you’re looking for something extra to spice up your solo play, you can experiment with warming lube,” says Gabi Levi, a sex and relationship expert who runs an erotica site called Shag Story. “Using your hands to pleasure yourself with heated lube is a quiet, fun, and unique way to have fun masturbating.” I’ve tried it before and can confirm it’s both fun and very intense.
Gather round, kinkier friends. This one’s for you. It’s basically a supercharged pinwheel, and it’s amazing. “This toy is a unique option on the list because it’s usually for couples who like to engage in BDSM play. But, as I like to say, there are no rules when it comes to masturbation, and it’s an awesome toy to play with alone for those of us who like it a little rough and enjoy a bit of pain with our pleasure,” says Levi. She recommends using this spiked wheel to ~tickle, tantalize, and tease~ yourself. “Press deeper for a more intense sensation as you roll it silently around your curves.”
4 & 5. Hot Octopuss Amo and Digit
First off, let’s appreciate the name “Hot Octopuss.” Now, let’s talk about their super quiet toys. “Both the Hot Octopuss Amo and Digit are small but powerful finger vibrators that give you all the rumbly sensation you crave without the excessive noise of bigger vibrators,” explains Kayla Lords, sexpert at toy shop JackandJillAdult.com. So whether you’re into quiet finger vibes or sneaky bullet vibes, Hot Octopuss has got ya covered.
6. LELO MONA™ 2
This toy testimonial from Kate W., co-founder of Pleasure Better (a site aimed at helping people embrace and enjoy their sexuality), is flawless, so I’m just gonna drop it here and let her educate you. “I prefer vibrating toys as my go-to playmate for solo fun so it’s important that they’re whisper quiet. My absolute favorite is the Lelo Mona 2. I’ve used it camping with other unsuspecting campers nearby. I’ve even used it to orgasm in bed next to my husband without him waking. It’s also waterproof for solo shower fun!” Relationship and camping goals.
Dead quiet? Yes, the words “silencer” and “whisper quiet” are literally in its name. Affordable? Check. Do you need it during quarantine? Totally. “If you’re really trying to be ‘whisper quiet’ then you want to get a vibrator that is made to be quiet,” says Levi. “Nobody will hear you using this vibrator, even if you’re sharing a wall. It’s also 7-inches long, which is arguably the perfect size for an insertable sex toy.” But remember, friends. It’s more about the motion of the ocean, if you catch my drift.
“The Le Wand Chrome vibe is powerful, rumbly, and remarkably quiet,” says Searah Deysach, longtime sex educator and owner of toy shop Early to Bed. “Because it’s waterproof, it also makes an excellent choice for using in the bath or shower.” Now you have no excuse not to masturbate. You can use this toy in the shower OR in your bed—the only two places you’re frequenting lately.
9. Crave Vesper
“The Crave Vesper is a necklace with a secret so you can use it almost anywhere,” says Deysach. “Nearly silent, it looks great on neck and feels awesome on your body!” Rock it around the house then let it rock your V (sorry, had to). Then wear it in public when we’re finally allowed out again.
When I was living with my parents, this was one of my regular go-to sex toys. It’s really strong but equally quiet, which is exactly what ya girl needed back then. “With a rumbly, whisper-quiet motor, this special toy sneaks up on you, making you melt and ask for more,” adds Megwyn White, somatic sex educator and director of education at pleasure product brand Satisfyer. #truth
The Womanizer is super silent…well, as close to silent as you can get, obviously. If you love clitoral stimulation and you need to get off ASAP, use no other toy than this one. This specific Womanizer is a collab between the pleasure pros at Lovehoney and Womanizer, so you know it’s gotta be good…or you can just take our word for it. (It’s good. Trust us.)
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Images: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels; SKYN; K-Y; Unbound; Hot Octopuss; Jack and Jill; Lelo; Lovehoney (2); Early to Bed (2); Satisfyer