I have two passions: obsessing over high-end fashion and making fun of said high-end fashion. Lately, it seems as though fashion designers are becoming bored and unoriginal, just like Disney when they keep remaking every single one of their classics instead of coming up with a new story line. Look, I understand that fashion trends tend to come and go, with many being completely recycled. However, 2019 seems to be the one year that’s receiving the sh*t end of the stick when it comes to throwback trends. New York Fashion Week is almost two weeks away, but we’re getting some sneak peeks for what’s to come from menswear and couture runways. From tie dye to cow print to cargo pants, here are the hideous throwback trends that are making a comeback this year.
1. Cargo Pants
When I think of cargo pants, I shudder at a time when we, as a society, thought they were ever moderately attractive. In 2019, these can now be modernized to look more feminine and chic with scrunched waists, hems, and sleek patterns, but come on. They’re f*cking cargo pants with tacky, big-ass pockets that can’t possibly be good or cute. Sure, you can fit your wallet, keys, phone, a granola bar, and first born child in them, but at what cost??
2. Tie-Dye
I swear I love Bey as much as the next person, but when she can’t even convince me to wear an upcoming trend, it’s not promising. Yes, I loved tie-dying my shirts and socks when I was like, 12 years old and in summer camp, but there’s a reason I don’t still wear the same sh*t I did when I was 12, and it’s because most of that stuff was hideous. This year, expect to see the pattern on our favorite pieces such as puffers, rompers, palazzo pants, and crop tops. What’s next, scrunching our hair with so much mousse and gel that you get stiff curls that wouldn’t even move in 100mph winds? Because that’s the last time wearing tie-dye was relevant.
3. Platform Shoes
Please, god, no. I’ll literally do anything to keep these stashed away in the 2000s where they belong. I don’t think I ever owned a platform sandal when it was acceptable, Lizzie McGuire fan or not. Even back then, I knew to always stay far away from these cringeworthy shoes. Like, just put on a pair of stacked heels like a goddamn adult. Be ready to embrace this year’s next “ugly” shoe. In the very near future, our fave retailers will be selling them as huge sneakers or strappy slip-on sandals.
4. Big 80s Shoulders
This may look decent on Lady Gaga, but on anyone else, it could very well look like trash. The streets aren’t a Michael Jackson music video waiting to happen—save that for Halloween. The ginormous shoulders will be featured on formal dresses, streamlined jackets, and especially business casual suits to wear to the office. Regardless, the shoulder pads may be a yes from my mom in the 80s, but they are a hard no from me.
5. Neon
From Kardashian swimsuits to fashion runways, pops of neon color are showing up everywhere. Whether it be skimpy triangle bikinis, workout leggings, or even mini dresses, I feel like you’d have to be a really bold, confident, and color-coordinated person to remotely pull this off for any occasion. If you’re having the slightest doubt, I’d stay away to refrain from looking like a walking highlighter.
6. Cow Print
It’s true. Animal print is here to stay, but instead of the cheetah and leopard pattern we’ve reluctantly grown to tolerate, the next big thing is looking a lot like a cow. Soon, we’ll be seeing the pattern on heeled booties, designer handbags, and well, now, one-piece bathing suits. I’m baffled that anyone could honestly take this seriously. I can’t even excuse Kylie Jenner. Maybe she was joking. Maybe this is for a western makeup collection. Here’s to giving anyone the benefit of the doubt if they dare to wear the grotesque print.
Photo: Allyson Johnson / Unsplash; Instagram (6)
With the new year approaching fast on our heels, it’s about damn time to start thinking about how you’d like to enter it as a new (and hopefully) better you. I’m not referring to fixing your chronic RBF, limiting your time spent on Instagram, or introducing weird healthy foods into your daily diet. I’m obviously talking about more important sh*t like the clothes and shoes you’re wearing. If you’re truly trying to embrace a “new year, new you” attitude, then it’s only right you look the part, too. It’s no surprise that bizarre trends like biker shorts and frilly, billowy sleeves are here to stay. And with others like statement sneakers, loud prints, and tiny-ass sunglasses on board, it’s safe to say you probs have hoarded a lot of sh*t in your closet that needs to GTFO. Here’s everything you should think about tossing out before 2019, so you can ring in the new year in trendy style.
1. Adidas Superstars
Okay, so like, before everyone loses their sh*t, I don’t mean you have to literally throw these away. I still wear my scuffed and stained pair when a girl just has no time for nothing else, but I strongly recommend swapping them out for a fresh, head-turning pair. Maybe not full-out ‘dad sneakers,’ but sporty ones with more elevation and flair like these trainers. Sneakers like these are an easy way to make any outfit a little more exciting.
Adidas Falcon Sneaker in Maroon/Navy
2. Reaaally Skinny Jeans
Super skinny jeans are just so 2000. In this totally vintage, throwback, and hipster phase our generation has become obsessed with, opt for mom or boyfriend denim styles that are flattering and v on-point.
3. Maybe…Some Black Pieces?
OKAY, I said MAYBE some boring, basic black pieces? You don’t have to stop wearing black, but you can add in some other tasteful basics. Instead, 2019’s hottest neutral is supposed to be a warm beige that is still shows how empty I am inside and also still goes with everything else I own.
H&M Cable-knit Turtleneck Sweater
4. Crop Tops
All in favor of ditching the v basic, over worn crop top during summer 2019, say I!!! Ditch the lame style for more chic, flattering, and way less stressfully-found bodysuits. They come in like, a bajillion styles, colors, and honestly, the whole peeing situation outweighs rockin’ a beer bloat.
Free People Move Along Bodysuit
5. Crossbody
Crossbody bags have truly saved my ass countless times and have also protected me against getting pickpocketed on a subway. They are the real MVPs, tbh. However, now is a fab time to hang them up to give their trendier sister style some love—a fanny pack. Or if you want, call it a belt bag. You’re fancier than me. What was once limited to art freaks and band geeks, is now considered bougie af.
Marc Jacobs Hip Shot Convertible Leather Belt Bag
Photo: Nordstrom (2); Revolve; H&M; Free People
