I think we can all wholeheartedly agree that this season of Game of Thrones was the most rushed, poorly written ending to a series since Lost. It inspired rage that hearkened back to the “Don’t Stop Believin'” ending for Tony and The Sopranos. At least while George “I can’t finish a book” RR Martin was providing source material, DB and David could keep our characters and story lines on an acceptable, timely track. This season, we had a woman make a split-second decision to kill literally everyone, Jon Snow suddenly know how to ride a dragon, Varys suddenly forget how to be the sneaky bitch he was for 10 years (RIP tho), and Jamie go all the way through his character arc just to do a total 180 and end up right where he was before—banging his sister.
A few good things to come of this season include Ghost surviving, Sansa becoming the true boss bitch she is (and staying independent in her fashionable winter wardrobe), and Robin Arryn getting REALLY HOT since we last saw him. Even though the series is over, we have a LOT of questions that demand answers regarding this entire season and series, into which I have poured countless hours crying, reading Reddit theories, and arguing about predictability via Instagram. Shall we?
What Happens When Drogon Comes Back?
I have a LOT of questions pertaining to Drogon, who I incorrectly predicted would die by the end of this season. As a note, I think I felt more feelings for this dragon than any human-related plot or interaction in the last six episodes, which is saying something, and that something ain’t great. Who else had major Lion King flashbacks when Drogon gently nudged a v dead Dany to get up cause “we gotta go home, mom”? I thought I’d gotten past that as an adult, but apparently not. More importantly, once Drogon picked up his mommy and flew off, where’d he go? What happens when he comes back? Is he going to destroy a different city in the meantime? Do dragons have a grasp on death? Can they feel feelings? Additionally, why did Drogon burn the throne and not the dude who clearly JUST STABBED HIS MOM? Does he have something against swords? Thrones? Sword thrones? Maybe DB and David read him the script ahead of time? I demand a dedicated series to Drogon and his fun-filled exploits around the world.
Or does she found the flat earth movement? That honestly seems like something she’d do. I can’t even truly express how much I don’t give a sh*t about Arya’s exploits. But I do have a few questions about her entire character arc that led up to her conquistador moment. What’s going to happen to all the faces in her bag? Is she going to entertain the crew with a one-woman puppet show? F*ck if I know (or care). Additionally, where’d she get that boat? What happens when there is no land West of Westeros? Where’d she find a crew willing to sail under someone with little to no exploratory experience? Is she going to eventually go back to Winterfell to piss Sansa off? Stay tuned, I guess.
Will Jon Snow Ever Be Happy?
This poor f*cking guy has been stabbed, had to watch two girlfriends die, never had a mommy, and definitely has some deep-seated psychological issues after what he’s been through. He has a handful of friends who tend to die, and when he finally has a cause to rally behind, said cause ends up being a genocidal maniac who dabbles in incest. So, what? Now he’s going to f*ck off up north with a bunch of questionably-fashioned homeless folks, a heartbroken ginger, and his CGI good boi for the rest of forever? Justice for Jon Snow. Also, why is there even a Night’s Watch? I’m pretty sure we killed all the dead things in episode 3, made peace with the Wildlings several episodes (seasons?) ago, and have no threat looming north of the wall except for hypothermia.
When Did Dany Lose Her Sh*t?
This has been a question floating around since episode 5 when Dany decided to unleash Drogon’s fire breath on the entirety of King’s Landing. What, exactly, set Dany off course from white savior of Essos and Breaker of Chains to blathering psycho intent on burning cities, banging nephews, and becoming a more attractive medieval Hitler? I have a hard time believing that Jon refusing to make out with her was the straw that broke the Khaleesi’s back. Missandei dying, Rhaegal dying, and her nephew refusing to snuggle—all combined—make for a pretty sh*tty week, but, again, it seems like a stretch that a few sad events caused Dany to have a true mental break and lecture Jon about what’s good vs. what isn’t good.
Will Grey Worm Captain An Award-Winning Volleyball Team On Naath?
Grey Worm pissed me (and the rest of the internet) off this episode, but at least he’s out of Westeros on his way to a very odd beach retreat with the boys. Part of me is happy for him and his newfound peace in Naath, but I’m slightly incensed that this guy that helped kill innocents in King’s Landing gets a happier ending than Jon Snow. Grey Worm, I was rooting for you and Missandei, but sometimes things just don’t work out. Here’s hoping you get a stellar tan and find a great piña colada stand in Naath, though.
Is Bran’s Wheelchair The New Throne?
F*ck Bran and f*ck everyone that voted him into office. Let’s backtrack: if Bran hadn’t been climbing that f*cking tower way back in season 1, he would have been able to mind his own goddamn business and let Jamie and Cersei get their freak on in peace, erasing the need for the war of the five kings,, allowing Robert’s dudes to successfully kill Dany, and letting this whole series never consume my life only to disappoint me and let me down like everything else I’ve ever loved. I mean, Robb would still be alive with a kid and gorgeous wife! So would Joffrey, but, you know, we gotta take the good with the bad, fam. Anyway, f*ck you, Bran, and your weird staring. I hope Drogon comes back and snacks on your crunchy little legs. Speaking of Bran…
Did Bran Know Everything The Whole Time?
…and just piss everyone off with his white Walker hunts and three-eyed-raven bullsh*t and long, lingering stares? What an asshole. So you can see into the future? Why the f*ck didn’t you tell Jon to be more sneaky about killing Dany? Maybe he could have been happy for once in his life! Does that mean nothing to you? Why didn’t you stop Dany from killing millions of innocent people? Was that not on your to-do list for the week? Where do you get off, Bran? Oh, wait—you don’t. You knew that this whole thing ended up with you on the throne, and yet you continued to f*ck around with everyone’s thoughts and feelings for several seasons while we all waited for you to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING worthwhile. What was the actual point of revealing that Jon was a Targaryen? I’m glad Tyrion christened you “Bran the Broken” cause it’s not even a cool nickname and, honestly, you don’t deserve anything cool anymore.
Does Ghost Know He’s A Good Boy?
…and is he getting enough pets up north? Even if the entire rest of the episode (and season) was a dumpster fire, the fact that Jon gave Ghost pets and snuggles made everything kind of okay. I’m willing to overlook the absolute piss writing just for the good boi moment in the gif above. Further, I’m really glad to see that this season’s entire budget went to CGI Ghost and CGI not-such-a-good-boi Drogon instead of character development. I’ll miss you both; keep it real.
Do The Unsullied Moonlight As Civil Engineers?
…cause that Hand of the King room looked like it definitely didn’t get blown to sh*t a few weeks prior. I know it takes roughly six months to address the potholes on my road, so, just saying. In the beginning of this episode, I’m 90% sure that roughly 75% of King’s Landing—especially the Red Keep—was beat to sh*t. Are we to assume that instead of getting right on building a hospital (and burn ward), the carpenters, stone masons, and civil engineers of Westeros went right the f*ck to town on the room where rulers can keep rulin’? I mean, maybe there’s literally no one left, so, ya know, no real need for a medical unit at this point. I guess I’m just kind of surprised at the level of priorities here.
Who Was Braiding Dany’s Hair After Missandei Died?
I know from rewatching this series several times that Dany’s elaborate Coachella-worthy braid crowns were the handiwork of our fav multilingual betch, Missandei (RIP). So, once The Mountain and Cersei decided to make the former citizen of Naath a head shorter, who was doing Dany’s hair? It looked pretty fetch while she stood and addressed the Dothraki and Unsullied in episode 6. More so, it looked super grool while she rode Drogon and destroyed King’s Landing in episode 5. Are we to believe that Jon’s talents include hair plaiting and accessorizing? Seems like more of a Varys thing, but whatever. Or maybe it was Pod all along! Honestly, that makes the most sense to me.
Let me know in the comments any other burning questions that the Game of Thrones writers didn’t have time to answer. Other than that, it’s been real!
Images: Giphy (10)
President Trump loves to use Game of Thrones memes to get his point across (see above), and for once he might actually be making a logical comparison. American politics are just as ridiculous as the goings ons in Westeros these days, the main difference being that there aren’t as many hot people involved. So, in the spirit of that, we’ve created the definitive list of Game of Thrones characters and their American political counterparts. Groundbreaking, we know.
Jon Snow = Beto O’Rourke
Just a couple of QT’s who can’t stop giving speeches when no one asked them to. These guys are solid dudes with their hearts in the right place, but at the end of the day their game plans just aren’t very impressive. Sure, they’d look fine as hell on the throne and I would gladly have sex with them both (at the same time or separately), but there’s more to ruling than having thicc hair and an edgy past (Jon died that one time and Beto was in a band).
Daenarys Targaryon = Hillary Clinton
Is it her time to rule? Every person on Facebook has an opinion about it and 99% of the takes are based on misogyny. That’s the case for both of these fierce blondes. Dany and Hill both feel their right to sit on the throne is undeniable, and often don’t listen to reason when it comes to strategy. Burning people alive and ignoring Wisconsin on the campaign trail aren’t a good look, but try telling that to these gals. They’re both big on military, have badass dragon vibes, and people can’t stop writing think pieces about whether or not they’re likable.
Arya Stark = Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
TFW you need a woman to come in and save us all. Arya Stark and AOC are both 100% that b*tch, and they aren’t here to make friends. Watching Arya on the battlefield and watching AOC drag everyone’s ass on Twitter/Capitol Hill give me the same feeling: pure bliss with a hint of erotica. In this case, the Night King is a metaphor for the nightmare that American politics has become, and AOC is here to slay that shit.
Ice Dragon = Kellyann Conway
This is simply to say that she’s constantly spewing fire-ice-garbage that is ruining everything. Case closed.
Bran Stark = Mike Pence
“I’m going to go now.”
Like what exactly is your job, bro? What are you doing with your days??? And why do you speak like you’re reading the back of a shampoo bottle??? Also what are you doing when your eyes are closed like that? What material assistance did you provide? I HAVE QUESTIONS!
Sansa Stark = Nancy Pelosi
You know what, we all underestimated them. We thought they weren’t tough enough and couldn’t hold their own, but jokes on us, b*tch. Nance created the “f*ck you clap,” and Sansa is queen of the “f*ck you eyebrow arch/ lip purse combo.” We stan.
Little Finger = Mitch McConnell
These slimy motherf*ckers. They’re both always scheming, resemble turtles, and seem to thrive by lurking in the corner and making facial expressions that look like they just smelled a fart.
Joffrey = Donald Trump
I know this isn’t the most original take in the world, as there have been plenty of memes made with the same comparison, but it’s just too accurate. Two big babies who were given too much power and are constantly dating women way out of their leagues. The worst.
Brienne of Tarth = Elizabeth Warren
It’s always a woman who is indisputably the best in her field and yet doesn’t get the recognition. Brienne and Liz are out here slaying the game, and somehow still not doing well in the polls/getting stood up a by one-handed man who fucked his sister. No justice in this world SMDH.
Cersei Lannister = Melania Trump
Okay, this one was hard. There’s really no true match for Cersei Lannister, but Melania comes close. Like Cersei, she’s a stone cold b*tch who dates down and “loves her kids.” They both rock the icy stare, and at the end of the day, they’re women who hold more power than people assume, which they use to their advantage. Also, like Cersei, I assume Melania uses a lot of wine to get through the day.
Tyrion Lannister = John Oliver
Here’s a fun one. Tyrion and John Oliver provide us with comedic social commentary during these times of political unrest. We could not survive without them, and their accents 100% add to their charm. Cheers, bois.
Qyburn = Stephen Miller
Two virgins whose only hobbies are making other people suffer, end of discussion.
High Sparrow = Steve Bannon
Both of these sick f*cks are obsessed with “cleansing” the population, even though they’re the ones out here looking like decaying scabs with limbs. Luckily they were both cancelled a couple of seasons ago.
Ned Stark = Barack Obama
There was a time when these two hot dads were keeping the peace in the world, and thinking back on it is v painful. We miss you, we love you, we’re sorry we failed you.
Random drunk guy in background = Brett Kavanaugh
Literally anytime there is a scene at a pub in Westeros, spot the drunkest guy in the background and that is your boi Brett.
Images via Giphy (15), Twitter @RealDonaldJTrump (1)
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I made the misguided decision to go camping this past weekend rather than watch the notoriously devastating pre-season finale episode of Game of Thrones and by the time I had returned to civilization/Wi-Fi, Viserion had died a horrible, icy death which basically means I’m never stepping foot outside the city again. Sorry for letting you down, my dude.
I barely had time to recover from that crippling loss before a misleading headline from Cosmopolitan gave me a near stroke: “A Game of Thrones Director Just Low-Key Confirmed That Either Sansa or Arya Will Die.” EXCUSE ME.
Should we be shocked by any more deaths in this miserable show? Absolutely not, they’re inevitable. But not for our poor Starks, who have already suffered so much. This is their season! They’re reuniting like wildfire, falling in love with their aunts and generally running shit like the badasses they all are, and now this? It was enough of a shock that I actually forced myself to click the link and further my research on a topic that I should probably be well-versed in at this point, which was when I realized I’d been duped by none other than Cosmo. Clickbait strikes again.
In an interview with HuffPost, Game of Thrones director Alan Taylor had this to say about the growing tensions in Arya and Sansa’s relationship: “I love the fact that these two come back, they’re both lethal, and I just wanted to give the impression, as much as possible, that one of them is going to die, but you’re not sure which one…. Something is coming very soon between them, and it will be violent but surprising.”
Alright everyone, now is the time to calm the fuck down. First of all, Game of Thrones plot twists are more safely guarded than matters of national security, which is not a big bragging right at this point but let’s all just pretend. If the director of the most popular show in the world (completely unsubstantiated statement, it’s fine) decided to sit down and casually confirm a character death in the week leading up to the finale, he would have lost not only his job but most likely also his life.
Second, there is a huge difference between “give the impression that one of them is going to die” and then actually killing them. In fact, that almost seems like something someone would say who is purposely trying to mislead an audience and incite terror in the days leading up to a season finale. But what do I know, I’ve just written about this show religiously for ten weeks out of the last three years.
Besides, Arya murdering Sansa or vice-versa after last week’s episode would be far too obvious a move for this show. My guess is that their rivalry is all a ploy that will lead to the ultimate “violent but surprising” moment of the finale: both of them murdering Littlefinger. Catelyn Stark’s daughters are too fucking smart to be taken down by the rat man that spent his entire life fantasizing about her, and he’s going to learn that lesson the hard way.
2017 is a fiery wasteland and the only thing that makes us all feel slightly better about it is that we’re not quite as bad as Westeros. They can’t take that from us, not yet.
Caveat: if the show runners are bold enough to kill off a Stark this Sunday, we better be rewarded with a 15-minute-long sex scene between Jon and Dany. Yeah, they’re related. I don’t give shit.
If you really think about it, “Winter is coming” is just HBO’s fancy way of saying “Get ready for cuffing season.” At first glance,
Slutty Dungeons and Dragons Game of Thrones just seems like some nerd fantasy come to life, but this is 2017 and Dave Franco’s character in 21 Jump Street taught us that hot people can like nerd shit too. Anyway, those of you who are in the Venn diagram of clubbing and Chess club have probably considered who you’d date should you find yourself between Westeros and Winterfell. Like any good war hero entering battle, you must consider the aftermath first. So here’s which GOT characters would make the worst ex, because if Danaerys has taught us anything it’s that everyone will get burned at the end of this.
10. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion is the bro you dated for much longer than you actually wanted to just because you were bored or drunk and then like, didn’t actually hate him. Despite his reputation of getting around, he’s actually kind of sweet when it’s just the two of you, and he buys you shit all the time which is nice. You never saw a future with him and probably dated around when you two were hooking up, so when things eventually fizzled out, you weren’t that devastated. He’ll occasionally send the late night “yo where r u” text but for the most part he’s harmless. When you do run into him at parties you enjoy the attention you know he’ll give you and then move on with no feelings hurt. Tyrion’s the best ex to have because you barely even count him as an ex, though technically you were hooking up and going on “dates” for a period of time long enough to theoretically get pregnant, so it kind of still counts. You also never really got that invested in him, so you feel no pain when you see him with another girl, which is constantly. Oh yeah, and he always paid for Plan B, what a gentleman. The only downside to dating Tyrion is you probably should get tested ASAP every time you hook up.
9. Daenerys Targaryen
Daenerys will fuck up her exes, but only if they’re male. If you dated Daenerys you took a lot of Instagram photos because you two were a power betch couple that even your homophobic uncle would have been proud of. However, she’s too ambitious to actually care about a future together, and try as you might to picture a domestic life together, neither of you wanted to be the “housewife.” So you parted ways. While she will burn down any man that stands in her way, she has a special place in her heart for women, so having Dany as your ex isn’t as bad as you’d think. You might just have to endure the fact that she keeps showing up everywhere, because she is eventually going to take over the world. Plus, if you didn’t publicize your relationship, you’re both probably on the DL about the breakup, which makes it even more annoying when your friends are fawning over her as she walks by covered in flames and dragons.
8. Daario Naharis
Daario is the James Marsden of the Game of Thrones universe. He was a warrior and hot and like, perfectly capable of pleasing you for the rest of your life, but you were just like… nah. Because he’s always there, you don’t want him. He’d be slightly annoying to have as an ex because every once in a while he’ll remind you of a life you could have if you just gave up on your dreams and stopped caring about taking over the world. Ultimately, he’ll be more annoying to have around because you have no reason to cut him off, and rejecting him always makes you feel like a bad person.
7. Jamie Lannister
Jamie is the whirlwind romance you had and then suddenly fell out of. Maybe it’s his air of trust fund privilege or just general inability to pull off anything right, but you realized his fawning over you wasn’t enough to actually keep you satisfied. He’ll end up marrying a less hot version of you and you’ll be okay with it because everybody agrees she’s less hot than you.
6. Benjen Stark
Benjen is the older guy you dated in your twenties that you thought you successfully ghosted, but you were wrong. It wasn’t that he wasn’t great to you or kind and loving, it’s just that he reminds you of a time in your life that is lightyears from where you are now—a time when you got blackout in bars and made out with 38-year-olds and threw up in cabs and honestly, you’re just better than that now. If only he were just a deleted number in your phone, but instead, he shows up years later back from the dead to haunt you. Sorry, but can’t you see I have a masters degree now? Leave me alone, old man. Go back to your first family, or settle down with a cougar, I’m young and I don’t need to be reminded of my mistakes, thank you.
5. Jaqen H’ghar
Jaqen H’ghar is the artsy bro you dated when you were “finding yourself” in Williamsburg or Silverlake. It was probably shortly after studying abroad and like Belle, you wanted more than this provincial life. He was a stoner but also highly intelligent and you were drawn to him because he just seemed so much more well traveled and interesting than any of the frat boys you knew freshman and sophomore year. Like, he knew all about ancient Hindu drugs and ancient Chinese drugs and now that you think about it, mostly everything was drug related and ancient. He did make some cool-ass art and his apartment always looked like a science experiment. He claimed he has “many faces” but eventually you realized he was just talking about his personality disorders. Also, he had an exotic name even though he was clearly white, which now you realize is probably because he was appropriating some Native American culture he studied once in a Reddit post. The only problem with having him as an ex is that he never stops watching you. He’s the bro that will keep liking your Instas like a phantom, not texting you or calling you ever to say anything, but constantly surveying your social media to let you know he’s got his eye on you. He’s got some crazy conspiracy theories about the government watching you, and you’re pretty sure he actually has access to equipment to listen in on your conversations all the time. As creepy as this sounds, he genuinely wants you to like, do well, and he’ll probably never hurt you. He will however, be the first to know when you’re engaged to someone else because like we said, he’s watching TF out of you.
4. Littlefinger aka Petyr Baelish
This is the guy everyone underestimates because he looks beta AF while in reality being a manipulative fuckboy that you can never trust. For some reason you fell for it, probably because he’s a sociopath and tricking people is what he does best. When you eventually end things with him, he’ll probably make you feel like it was his idea to end things, leaving you wondering if you should try to make it work just to get him to fall in love with you again. You have no interest in actually dating this guy ever again, yet he won’t leave you alone. He manages to “organically” stay in your life by befriending your outer circle and working his way into your inner circle. Before you know it, he’s the one telling you about your friends’ baby showers and asking you to be a plus one to your freshman year roommate’s wedding, which you weren’t invited to. This guy is trouble because he somehow manipulated you into sending some particularly raunchy nudes and you don’t want to piss him off, so you continue being nice to him even though he disgusts you.
3. Tommen Lannister
This is the guy you dated that was much younger than you because you met at some dope Black Amex party or something, but then you got to know him and realized he’s immature AF. He throws a hissy fit whenever he doesn’t get his way, and his mother is always trying to be your best friend but you know it’s only because she wants to keep her son close. He’s a rich kid born into privilege who says the most ignorant things. Every time you see him, it’s a reminder of your mistakes and you shudder. Unfortunately he grows up to become Jared Kushner and his mistakes will threaten
your reputation the free world.
2. Samwell Tarly
This is the chubby nice bro you dated after a horrible breakup because you told yourself you’d “try” settling just to see if you could. And guess what? You couldn’t. He was all about you and never complained when you would disappear for days because you “needed space” but part of you just wished he would fight back and be less of a pushover. He always wants to like, raise a baby with you and meet your parents and when you eventually dump him because you get your self-esteem back, you tell him you’re willing to stay friends in a moment of weakness. He takes this to mean you’ll eventually come around and now he’s buying you birthday gifts that are way too expensive to be from just a friend. He’s particularly awful as an ex because you don’t even actually like him as a friend. He probably only slept with three women before you and is constantly asking you for advice you don’t want to give.
1. Cersei Lannister
She is one frigid ice queen that will take revenge to a level that even Taylor Swift couldn’t dream of even in her songwriting brainstorm sessions. To be fair, if you dated Cersei you probably are power hungry and into crazy bitches yourself. You play with fire and you get your city bombed, according to Cersei. You did also publicly shame her and put her nudes up on a revenge porn site, so honestly that’s on you. She literally gives no fucks, though, because she’s been through so much already, and nothing you do can possibly out-crazy her. She is into #winning in a way that you’ve never seen, and you are not only going to lose with her, everyone around you is going down too. Unfortunately, there’s no way out of this one, because even if you stay in the relationship with her, she’s going to implicate you in some seriously crazy shit. So basically fuck with Cersei and either way, you’re fucked. Have fun with that!