Buying Things Is Self-Care: Weekly Horoscopes April 19-23

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Excellent news, everyone: it is officially Taurus season. This is a time of sitting back, maxing, relaxing all cool, and maybe even shooting some b-ball outside of the school. If you feel like it. No pressure, though. Self-care. Taurus season is all about enjoying the finer things in life and getting grounded for what lies ahead. Basically, if “treat yo’self” was a month, it’d be Taurus season. Let’s just hope your credit card can handle all the swiping.

Aries

This Taurus season is all about establishing your sense of security, Aries. While all the other signs are proceeding to checkout with reckless abandon, now is a great time to come down from your season and build your nest egg. Watching your savings account grow can be just as satisfying as a new Sephora purchase. Okay maybe not, but still…

Taurus

Welcome to your birthday month, Taurus! I know we don’t need to tell you to live it up. This month, the rest of the world finally gets on your luxe level. Your season is supercharging all of your most important relationships, and you can’t help but spoil your crew with glam group dinners, weekend getaways, and the best new organic wine from Napa that they just have to try, dahlings. No wonder you’re everyone’s favorite.

Gemini

This Taurus season, your airy sign is getting some much-needed grounding. Thinking before you speak is not usually your strong suit (no offense), but with Taurus’ earthy bull energy pulling you back down to Earth, you might find yourself a little more contemplative—and quieter—than usual. Just be sure to give your friends a heads up that you’ll be going into serial killer mode for a month so they don’t get concerned.

Cancer

Beware of friend drama this Taurus season, as the bull’s influence pushes you to stand your ground, sometimes to your own detriment. Taurus’ telltale stubbornness jumps out in some of your interpersonal relationships this month, but don’t worry. The New Moon on May 13th should resolve any lingering drama. If not, that’s just one less friend you have to worry about…

Leo

Taurus season has you going from “look at me” to “look around me,” and I mean that in the best way possible. Put your people skills to good use this month by actually connecting with your community. Set aside some time to volunteer at your local farmer’s market, make calls for a candidate for local office, or just spend a little extra time getting to know the people around you. Strangers today can be Instagram followers tomorrow!

Virgo

This month, hardworking Taurus puts you in the best possible headspace to reassess your career goals and make a levelheaded decision. Chances are things have changed for you in the past year (understatement of the century), but have your goals shifted as well? It’s never too late to quit your job and become a reality TV star. Someone’s gonna have to be the new Kardashians.

Libra

Bust out the (sustainably sourced) palo santo, Libra! This month, you’re using Taurus’ grounding influence to finally develop that meditation practice you keep saying you’ll start. Just a couple minutes a day can make a huge difference, and luckily Taurus is the sign of hard work and perseverance. Because sitting silently in a chair for a few minutes a day actually does count as “hard work and perseverance” in the year 2021. No judgment.

Scorpio

How deep is your love, Scorpio? Sensual Taurus is pushing you to go deeper with a romantic partner this month, and you can take that sentence as sexually as you want. Now is the time to test if your relationship can go the distance. And by “go the distance” we do of course mean “handle a three-day 50 Shades-style sex marathon.”

Sagittarius

Love is in the air, Sagittarius! Now is the perfect time to let go of the baggage of the past and dive headfirst into a new relationship. Goodbye, Whats-His-Name! Farewell, Do-Not-Call! We are not bringing our pre-pandemic Ls into our post-pandemic lifestyle. It’s just not happening. Begone, demon!

Capricorn

You’re craving the crew more than ever this Taurus season, so why not do what you do best and meticulously plan an iconic group outing for you and the girlies? It can be as elaborate or as chill as you want; all you really need are the besties and a couple bottles of that wine that doesn’t make you hungover. And La Croix for the pregnant friend who has to drive your asses home later. (Sorry, Ashley.)

Aquarius

This month, let your inner artiste run free, as Taurus season helps you connect even more with your creative side. This is not the month for judging yourself or holding back. Let your creative juices run free. Take up the ukulele. Throw paint at the walls. Basically become Mia’s mom in The Princess Diaries.

Pisces

Fire up the DIY Pinterest boards and get ready to develop an un-ironic crush on the Property Brothers. This month is all about nesting for you, Pisces, and it goes way beyond spring cleaning. Take some time to fully reimagine your space. If Chip and Joanna Gaines have taught us anything, it’s that a little paint (and a budget of $100k) can go a long way.

Images: Artyom Kim / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

How Are Your Conflict Resolution Skills?: Weekly Horoscopes February 15-19

This week, hard-ass Saturn clashes with rebellious Uranus, meaning we’re all going to be fighting duel urges. On the one hand, you are feeling ready to tackle your inbox, take on your to-do list, and crush it in corporate America. On the other hand, you’re seriously considering buying a plot of land to live off of with a handful of your closest friends. See you on the commune!

Aries

This week is about boundaries, Aries. People might be testing your limits, either at home or at work, meaning now is the time to set a hard line. Repeat after me: no emails after 6pm, no Facetimes without warning, and for the love of god, do NOT contact me while I am watching The Bachelor. It’s not that hard.

Taurus

Be prepared for some conflicts of interest this week, Taurus, as the planets will definitely have you feeling pulled in two different directions. Try to limit all-or-nothing thinking and see if there isn’t a compromise. We promise there is middle ground between “taking an Adderall and working until 5am” and “taking a hit of weed and sleeping for 12 hours.” Find it.

Gemini

Time to lose some of that baggage, Gemini! This week is all about finally dumping what doesn’t serve you and releasing the negative energy that is holding you in the past. Yes, your ex from college is still a dick. No, that girl from high school shouldn’t have been rude to you at lunch that one time. But it’s time to let these things go. I promise you the people you’re mad at have.

Cancer

Put a freeze on your to-do list, Cancer! Your in danger of overextending seriously yourself this week, and it’s only Tuesday! And yesterday was a federal holiday! You need to chill and remember to leave some “me time” in that busy schedule. Also don’t forget to eat. And drink water. Those things are important too.

Leo

Literally anyone else take the wheel! It’s time for you to let go of control, Leo, even if you’re 100% sure you know what’s best. Stop trying to dictate other people’s lives, and resist the urge to tell people what to do. Yes, your advice is amazing, but it’s no use to people who don’t want to hear it. Also, nobody asked you. Just saying…

Virgo

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Your inner critic is in overdrive this week, but you have the tools to tell that b*tch to STFU. Don’t let anyone, even yourself, tear you down. Practice combatting negative thoughts with specific positive ones. Like, instead of saying “I look terrible today,” say, “wow, these sweatpants are actually quite fetching on me,” and see how that makes you feel.

Libra

Are you taking crazy pills? Or is everyone else? You may find that people are trying to drag you into drama that you have no interest in this week. It’ll be your job to stay above the fray. Leave people on read, turn the phone off, and set clear boundaries. If you need petty drama, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reunion still has two whole parts left.

Scorpio

Have you been social distancing a little too much? Like, does anyone know you’re alive right now? If you’ve been taking your government mandated hibernation to the extreme, make a concerted effort this week to reignite your social life. Safely, of course. Set up a Zoom hang or a socially distanced meetup with a friend. Humans are social creatures, Scorpio. Act like it.

Sagittarius

This week has you on the brink of some major revelations, but not all of them are gonna be pretty. Are you ready for a few hard truths? Like that your house is a mess, your inbox is chaos, and no one has known what the hell you’re talking about in the group chat for weeks? Sorry…too harsh?

Capricorn

With your ruler Saturn battling it out with Uranus in the heavens, you might find yourself duking it out with someone here on Earth. Are you inadvertently causing issues? I know you’re objectively right in all matters, but are there places where you could be fanning the flames of conflict where you don’t need to? (Hint: the answer is yes)

Aquarius

You might find it hard to feel grounded this week with your co-rulers Saturn and Uranus both wanting to take charge of your life. But the only person who rules you, is you. Take time to meditate, drink some tea, light a candle, or other grounding rituals to help keep your head out of the clouds. It’s cold af up there anyway.

Pisces

Mindfulness is key for you this week as your thoughts may have have a habit of moving way, way, way ahead of you. When your mind is racing, take a few deep breaths to bring things back to the now. No need to spend so much time in the future, you’re not a time traveler.

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Mercury Is Doing You-Know-What: Weekly Horoscopes Feb. 8-12

Let’s get this out of the way right now: yes, Mercury is retrograde, and yes, you can blame all of your problems on that until February 20th. But that’s not all! This week we’ve got six heavenly bodies and a new moon in Aquarius, making this the perfect time to expand your horizons and open your mind to what is possible… like actually paying attention during your morning Zoom meeting. And they said it couldn’t be done…

Aries

Aries, it’s time to stop hitting “remind me tomorrow” on that computer update. The time is now. With a new moon in your tech sector, this is the perfect time to get your digital house in order. I’m talking inbox at zero. Okay, so maybe like, inbox at 25…

Taurus

Have you taken on too much at work? Of course you have. With Mercury flipping it into reverse this week, now is the perfect time to backtrack on some of those commitments. Are there tasks that can be delegated? To-do list items that can be pushed to next week? (Hint: the answer is literally always yes.)

Gemini

Thursday’s new moon is a BFD for you, Gemini. Are you ready for it? The new moon in Aquarius is lighting up your house of adventure, meaning it’s time to see the world! From a six foot distance, of course. Might I suggest a trip to your nearest botanical garden to cure your wanderlust? Or just like, a f*ckload of Travel Channel.

Cancer

What do you actually want, Cancer? Nobody knows. Least of all you. This week you may find yourself pulled in two different directions. Should you hit up your ex, or block his number? Should you get a head start on some work, or turn on HGTV and House Hunters yourself into oblivion? Decisions… decisions….

Leo

Leo? Catching feelings? Well I never! This week, your month-long Valentine’s Day continues as the new moon in Aquarius puts even more energy into your House of Partnership. All that is to say: if you weren’t putting both of your photos into that app that shows you what your kids will look like, you’re about to start.

Virgo

I know this seems impossible Virgo, but this week the cosmos is asking you to go with the flow. No to-do lists. No planners. No Google Calendar updates. Just you, your thoughts, and the unstoppable march of time. Kind of sounds like a horror movie tbh…

Libra

Lucky Libra! This week brings much good fortune upon you, Mercury in retrograde be damned! This week’s new moon is in your house of pleasure and passion, so one can only assume you’ll be having both of those things. Just try not to brag too much okay?

Scorpio

You’re still feeling the domestic vibes this week, Scorpio, but this week’s new moon asks: what is the difference between coziness and messiness? Are these blankets on the floor because you’re creating a fort situation, or because you knocked them off your bed two nights ago and still haven’t done anything about it? And what purpose, exactly, does this clothes pile serve? I highly doubt it sparks joy.

Sagittarius

When was the last time you expressed yourself outside .gif form? Now is the time. With the new moon opening up lines of communication, now is the perfect time for quality time with besties. Try to schedule a socially distanced walk or grab a table at the COVID-friendly outdoor dining establishment of your choice. A drunk brunch is in order.

Capricorn

Keep an eye on your balance sheet this week, Capricorn! Your mind’s on your money and your mind, meaning you might be able to catch some crucial red flags that could affect your bottom line. As the Miranda of the zodiac, you simply cannot allow this. Act accordingly.

Aquarius

There are casually six planets in your sign this week (okay so the Sun isn’t a planet but still…), meaning you are going to be getting cosmic signals from all angles. Your third eye is open wide right now, so keep an eye out for signs and don’t discount your intuition. You basically have a direct line to the heavens right now.

Pisces

Look around you, Pisces. Do you really need all this stuff? Or have you been collecting knick knacks and random trash like a bored mermaid for over a year now? With this week’s new moon, now is the perfect time to declutter your space. I’d start with tossing the dinglehopper.

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Get Your Flirt On: Weekly Horoscopes February 1-5

Venus makes its way from no-fun Capricorn (sorry, Capricorn) into light and bubbly Aquarius this week, meaning we all are going to have to resist the urge to make googly eyes at every marginally attractive person we see. Sidenote: Is it possible to fall in love with someone even though you’ve only seen the top half of their face? Because if so, me and my Postmates guy really might have something going….

Aries

Pump the breaks! Whether you’re actually dealing with the east coast blizzard or not, now is the perfect for a mental snow day. You’ve been going full steam ahead trying to make 2021 make up for 2020, but now it is time to slow your roll. Take the pressure off yourself this week and let someone else worry about for a change.

Taurus

With your ruler Venus heading into Aquarius this week, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish! Be prepared to level up in all aspects of your life, whether it be finally hitting a new fitness goal or actually waking up with your first alarm. And you’d always thought that was physically impossible.

Gemini

With Venus in free-spirited Aquarius, you’re feeling light as a feather and ready to get your flirt on. Let’s hope the cute guy who lives across the hall is ready for some heavy eye contact, because this week you can’t help yourself. Just don’t do anything that would make it uncomfortable when you run into him every day…

Cancer

Vulnerable? Cancer? Groundbreaking. This week Venus’ sojourn into Aquarius has you feeling extra intimate. Yes, this could translate to lots of, ahem, intimate time with your partner, but just make sure they have a tissue handy. This is one of those have-incredible-sex-then-start-randomly-crying kinds of weeks.

Leo

Venus in Aquarius in your House of partnerships means Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Leo! You just can’t help but tell your loved one how much you love them, and may even feel inspired to leave them little gifts to show you care. And yes, it is totally valid for that “loved one” to be a cat.

Virgo

Venus? Virgo? It’s a match made in heaven—literally. Now is the perfect week to take on that thing you’ve been procrastinating. You know the one I’m talking about. With Venus in your corner, there is no to-do list too long, no inbox too messy, and no clothes pile too big. Get to it!

Libra

You know the part of every Disney movie where the princess realizes there’s more to life than what she’s getting at home and sets her heart to seeing the world? That’s you this week, Libra. You’re ready to bust out and see the world anew. Just don’t forget to double-mask.

Scorpio

No need to issue you a stay-at-home order, Scorpio. The stars have taken care of that. This week, you will be quite content to stay the f*ck inside, minding your business, eating your food, and watching every single thing Netflix has to offer (again). If only the rest of America were like you, we’d be in a way better place.

Sagittarius

You can’t help it that you’re so popular, archer. You’re picking up on Venus’ playful vibes and you’re at your best, most charming self. You’re crushing it at Zoom happy hour, slaying on Slack, and bringing all the LOLs in your group chat. Just don’t forget to thank the little people when you win the Mark Twain Prize for Humor.

Capricorn

Trying to figure out what to do with all your GameStop money? Now is the perfect time. With Venus hanging out in your financial sector, you’re ready to dream big about your financial future, and start saving away for a big ticket item. Not everyone’s husband can get them a Peloton as a gift.

Aquarius

It’s still your season, and with Venus now entering your sign, things are about to get wild for you—in a good way. This charming, flirty planet will be helping you be your most charming, flirty self. In other words, your celestial DMs are open. Let the games begin!

Pisces

Don’t be surprised if you catch yourself daydreaming even more than usual this week, Pisces. You can thank Venus for that. This week you’re cranking your spacey fairy vibes up to 11, leaving some people to wonder if you might need to chill on the vape pen. But those guys are just narcs anyway, man.

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Time To Shake Sh*t Up: Weekly Horoscopes January 25-29

Just when you thought you had this whole “January” thing figured out, Uranus is here to shake sh*t up. This week, Uranus is causing conflict all over our charts, showing us that some of the stuff we said we left in 2020, may have actually hitched a ride into 2021. Plus, Thursday’s full moon in Leo helps us all step into the spotlight. Even if that spotlight is just the Zoom feature.

Aries

The full moon in Leo is shining directly on your house of sensuality this week, Aries, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself firing up the apps, or reigniting a flirty convo with an old flame. Aries who are already in relationships are in luck and can skip straight to the good part: all-day sex marathon. Be sure to tell your partner to send the moon a thank you when they get a chance.

Taurus

Should you toe the party line, or strike your own path? You may face this exact conflict this week as the Sun in your house of career clashes with Uranus in your own sign. Translation: you may end up having to stick to your guns, even if it gets awkward. Famous Taurus Gigi Hadid didn’t get where she is today by letting people walk all over her, did she?!?

Gemini

The Aquarius Sun has you marching to the beat of your own drum these days, but beware. Sneaky Uranus is lurking just around the corner this week to rain on your parade. Beware of fake friends, two-faced coworkers, f*ckboys, and shady-ass DMs. Anything that sets off alarm bells, shut it down ASAP. And anyone who doesn’t like it is just proving your point.

Cancer

There’s a snake in your group! This week, Uranus is bringing all the haters to the forefront so that you can finally know them and cut them out of your life. Think toxic friends, annoying exes, and anyone who has gone on multiple vacations in quarantine. Nobody needs Meaghan’s fifteenth set of beach pics in their feed. Trust me.

Leo

Uranus is playing games with your relationships this week, Leo, so be sure to check yourself before you wreck yourself with your significant other. Accidentally saying stupid shit, purposely saying stupid shit, and a whole range of other fight-starters are on the table while Uranus tangles with the Sun in your house of partnerships. (Please don’t mention any of that in your inevitable apology text.)

Virgo

This week you will be faced with the age-old question: do I finish my work, or procrastinate just a little bit longer? Thanks to Uranus in your house of not giving a f*ck, the temptation to turn off Slack and turn on Real Housewives will be great. Honestly you might as well just call out sick now.

Libra

Stunting on Zoom? Don’t mind if you do. This week you’ll be feeling the urge to indulge your glam side, whether that be at an outdoor brunch with pals or a Zoom happy hour. If all else fails, bust out your favorite looks from back in the days when you actually went places and post ‘em on the ‘gram. Weren’t you just saying you needed a reason to use your ring light again?

Scorpio

Trouble in paradise, Scorpio? This week pesky Uranus is bringing trouble to your domestic realm, meaning if you don’t play your cards right there could be a house meeting in your future. And we all know nobody wants that. Try to exercise patience at home until Uranus is done trying to ruin your life. Better luck next time, ass planet!

Sagittarius

If you find yourself feeling a little more “you” this week, thank the Leo full moon, which is helping you feel empowered and ready to take on the world. Are we still saying “girlboss”? Because if so, that. Now is the perfect time to go even deeper with your visions for the future, even if that means becoming one of those people who keeps a dream journal. You know you want to.

Capricorn

Your usually budget-conscious self may want to throw caution to the wind this week thanks to a little nudge from shopaholic Uranus, so do your best not to buy up everything in sight. And maybe just go ahead and set up your laptop to block all late night Amazon purchases for the next week or so. That’s when you’re likely to do the most damage.

Aquarius

You’ve been grooving along with the sun in your sign for a week now, but now Debbie Downer Uranus is here to crash your party. This week you may encounter a friend, relative, or just like, random person on the street who wants to use you as an emotional dumping ground. Do your best to limit these vent sessions to fifteen minutes or less. Unless we’re talking about the random person on the street, in which case feel free to walk away.

Pisces

Drama is coming straight for your social sector, making you want to run and hide. Avoidance is all well and good, but there are only so many episodes of House Hunters you can watch before you go fully dead inside, and there are only so many texts you can leave unanswered before someone calls the police. Face your issues now so they don’t get worse down the line.

Images: Giphy 

Can Things Get Any Worse? Your 2021 Horoscope Predictions

This year has been nothing short of Earth-shattering, and with good reason. The transits we experienced this year—most notably, Saturn (structure), Pluto (transformation) and Jupiter (expansion) consistently causing contention in Capricorn—were meant to shake us to our very core. Some might say this is uncomfortable. Others might say this is insane. And still, others might say, “give me a f*cking break already.” All of those people are me and my Gemini personalities.

But here’s some good news (cue John Krasinski direct-to-camera look). We’re moving into the Age of Aquarius! Saturn and Jupiter, huge ruling planets for us here on Earth, enter into Aquarius within days of each other this month—making way for their Great Conjunction on the winter solstice, Dec 21st. This massive energy will shift us into the concepts of innovation, connectivity, and welfare for the global community. 

TL;DR: 2021 will be nothing short of revolutionary. Read on to see which area of your life will be destined for growth. Make sure to check both your Sun and your Rising signs* for the utmost accuracy. 

*Your Sun sign is your fundamental identity. It points to your general personality, approach to life, interests, and how you shine. 

*Your Rising sign (or Ascendant) represents how you show up and the direction in which you move through the world. This sign was on the horizon at the time of your birth and therefore sets up your entire chart (which is why accurate birth time is important). It’s arguably a more predictive way to determine what you’ll encounter and how you’ll meet it. 

Aries

Your freedom will come from having absolutely zero limitations on how you’re connecting with the world. This could look like having a much larger purpose to influence great change. I sincerely doubt you’ve been waiting to get in the game, but this year will give you agency to take it global. This could look like getting involved through a non-profit or taking up more space on social media to advocate for something you’re passionate about. We’re all waiting to see what you’re going to start (no pressure). 

Taurus

rooting for you

If 2020 taught you anything, it’s that you can navigate insecurity. You’ve also learned that life is a two-way street, meaning you don’t have to do everything yourself. Recognize where you’ve gotten through de-stabilizing times with a little help from your friends. Next year gives you a great opportunity to take calculated risks to advance your career. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. We’re all rooting for you. 

Gemini

Exploration and communication of the themes that have come to light in the last year will be your goal in 2021. What ultimate truths have you learned? How can you integrate these into your life philosophy? How can you help others understand? The way you communicate these will be uniquely yours, Gemini. Our advice is to make these truths snackable and lighthearted, even if the subject matter is anything but. It’s show and tell time!

Cancer

You’ve certainly had time to be intimate with yourself in 2020. How many sex toys did you buy? Be honest. But in true Cancerian fashion, you likely were more concerned with finding intimacy in a partnership. This year will encourage you to focus on yourself in order to experience true breakthroughs. And no, I’m not just talking about orgasms, but I’m not not talking about orgasms. 

Leo

You’ll experience serious potential for love and partnership next year, Leo. If you’re single, make sure you’re intentionally manifesting your “perfect” partner. And simply saying “I’m manifesting a partner” will not cut it. Visualize the feeling of being with someone, take note, and then ask the universe for some help on the delivery. If you’re in a committed relationship, you’ll experience power-couple vibes. Hello, Bey and Jay.

Virgo

Personal revolution is happening for Virgos in the house of your rulership (6th house) which means you’re receiving double-down energy. This would be the year to feel completely supported in focusing on your health and routines, getting your edge through the use of technology. Oh, and domestic matters will be your bitch, too. So hey, if you’ve been thinking about buying a Peloton, this is your sign. (No, they didn’t pay me to say that.)

Libra

F*ck the establishment, Libra! 2021 has you feeling all sorts of brave, playful and yes, maybe a little rebellious. Will this shock the people around you, since you of all people like to color inside the lines? Sure. Does that really matter? Not in the least. Give yourself permission to take the spotlight, or at least the ring light, and do what makes you happy. 

Scorpio

Mastering family life and maternal instincts will be on your radar next year, Scorpio. This could look like establishing the house rules for everyone in your domain or simply establishing how you’d like your own chosen family to run. Remember that the very nature of family means it’s more of a democracy than a dictatorship, so try your best to be firm, yet accommodating on the issues you could care less about, like where you put the TV. You can’t make every hill the one you’re willing to die on.

Sagittarius

You normally travel the world for inspiration, but this year you’ll be called to learn from your immediate environment, your neighborhood, or simply your closest friends and family. Your new approach will have a well-spring of creative ideas percolating for you all year, and you’ll want to talk to your newfound teachers about them. Take that airplane out of your Instagram bio once and for all, and make an impact in your neighborhood instead, Sagittarius. 

Capricorn

Listen closely, because this one is def going to be music to your ears, Capricorn. Next year holds major earning potential for you. (I can literally hear a collective YES!) All the work you’ve put into your craft will certainly pay off next year, so enjoy watching the stacks rise. That said, try bringing something back into the fold that you scrapped this year for lack of time or expertise. You’ll have more resources to revive it this year. 

Aquarius

It’s your time, Aquarius. You’re THE most equipped for this new age we’re entering, so don’t be surprised if you feel the intrinsic need to step out and lead this revolution. Everyone is catching up to your line of thinking, but we do actually need you to be constantly innovating and moving the needle forward. Your gut will rarely be wrong—just go with it and don’t second-guess it. 

Pisces

Bless my Pisces, always ready to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Next year will have you fully embracing who you are, the magical mystery tour that is life. Walk into the unknown the same way most of us walk into Target: willfully blissful and leaving with so much more than we intended to. (Also, not sponsored.)

Images: Kwangmoozaa / Shutterstock; Giphy (12)

Bring On The Cuffing Season: Weekly Horoscopes November 16-20

Feeling the sudden urge settle down with that special someone (or just like, anyone) and watch every episode of The Crown while eating pie? Welcome to cuffing season. This week Venus heads into Scorpio, amping up both your sex drive and your desire to put a ring on it. A dangerous combination. Proceed with caution.

Aries

You’ve been low-key conducting a survey of singles in your area, and you may have settled on a match! This week, you may feel the urge to make the first move with someone you’ve been on the fence about, or go deeper with the one you’ve got. Nothing like impending pandemic holidays to make you realize what’s important in life (someone to bang and complain with).

Taurus

What is the difference between good sex and great sex? You’re about to find out—if you dare. With Venus taking the plunge into Scorpio, you’re taking the plunge into…actually I’m not gonna finish that metaphor. Just make sure your vibrator is charged and try to keep it down for the neighbors.

Gemini

Lights, camera, Gemini! This week, you are the center of attention and star of whatever six-foot-apart-socially-distanced outdoor circle you’re in. Congrats! Enjoy the spotlight and try not to forget all the little people who made this possible by liking and commenting on your latest thirst trap. You did this together.

Cancer

You’re feeling yourself this week, Cancer, and you’re not afraid to let the world know. Dramatic mirror selfies, thirst traps, and NSFW posts to the Close Friends tab are all in your future, and if you have a partner, there’s a good chance they won’t be able to keep their hands off you. It’s not easy being beautiful.

Leo

Venus in Scorpio has sent your standards through the roof, and my condolences to anyone who fails to meet them. On the one hand, it means you have zero tolerance for for f*ckboy nonsense, which is always a good thing. On the other hand, you might end up going off on your partner for not being engaged during your amaaaazing story about the grocery store.

Virgo

Still trying to figure out your current situationship? Forget it. This week Venus in Scorpio has you feeling indecisive AF, meaning you may find yourself building a bubble gum shrine to someone one moment, then leaving them on read the next. Just do your best not to be a complete a**hole, k?

Libra

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the whole world sliding into your DMs. This week you can’t help but attract admirers of all stripes while Venus rounds out its stay in your sign and heads into Scorpio at the end of the week. And to think all you had to do was post a pic with semi-decent lighting. Is this what it’s like to be an influencer?

Scorpio

Feeling social? In 2020? And they said it couldn’t be done. This week Venus has you feeling the urge to converge with your fellow man, but how to achieve this in a way that doesn’t spread a deadly disease? Grab your cutest mask, find the nearest outdoor space, and enjoy the pleasure of shouting at your besties from six feet away. When life gives you highly infectious lemons…

Sagittarius

Time to establish some boundaries, Sagittarius, and fast. Whether it be an aunt who is refusing to accept that you’re not coming to her 100 person Thanksgiving this year, or a creeper who replies to all of your stories with a fire emoji, now is the time to set the record straight. Unless you want to spend the next month terrified of your notifications tab.

Capricorn

You know the saying: all work and no play makes Capricorn a boring bitch. Or something like that. This week the universe is asking you to let loose and live a little, before plunging yourself 100% into your plan “single handedly save the holidays.” You’ll need your strength.

Aquarius

Feeling like you’re kind of in a rut? Get ready to bust out of that this week when your desire to do something out of the ordinary will finally overtake your hatred of leaving the house when it’s cold. Go with the flow this week and allow yourself to try something new. Worst case scenario you get a couple good IG posts out of the deal.

Pisces

Venus in Scorpio has you feeling flirty and free this week, so don’t let all that charm go to waste. Now is the perfect chance to take a chance with someone new, or make the first move with someone you’ve had your eye on for a while. You’re basically like the red dancing lady emoji come to life.

Images: Freestocks.com / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Time To F*cking Vote: Weekly Horoscopes Nov. 1-6

The election is upon us, Mercury is retrograde, Mars is in Aries, and nobody knows what the f*ck is going on. The only thing we can do is look to the stars and hope things shake out okay. Or even just like, slightly better than they’ve been. Is that so much to ask, Universe? Read on for what the stars have planned for you this week. Maybe grab your wine before diving in.

Aries

Don’t jump to conclusions, Aries! You’ll be spending this election week doing your best to stay out of the prediction game, no matter how many polls you end up frantically Googling at 1am. Once the ballots start being counted, there’s not much else you can do except sit back and watch the results come in (which may take all week). Unless things go full Mad Max, in which case… you’ve been training your whole life for this. 

Taurus 

Your iconic chill will be put to the test this week, Taurus, but luckily there’s a way to kill two birds with one stone. You can both limit the spread of coronavirus *and* help alleviate some of your election anxiety by staying the f*ck home! That’s right, you’ll feel your best keeping things domestic this week (aka where all your wine and candles are), which is great because that’s what you should be doing anyway. Good for you! 

Gemini

You may have been obsessively re-tweeting, re-blogging, and re-posting every single piece of election news you can find this week, but starting on Election Day, you need to go full social media shutdown. Believe me, your friends will find out who won the election from somewhere other than your TikTok, and the overflow of information is actually not helpful. Why not take a back seat and go back to posting about dogs for a few days? 

Cancer 

Planning to just stay in your house from now until the next president is inaugurated? Not a bad idea, Cancer. Right now you are 100% set on keeping it cozy, which is great because that’s about one of the only things you can control right now. Crank the heat up, fluff the pillows, and get working on your perfect anxiety-reducing tea recipe. You’re probably going to need it.

Leo

Is what you’re sharing helpful or hurtful? This is a good question to ask over the next few days, as all our feeds will be flooded with tons of info, some of which may be more reliable than others. (Note: just because someone with a blue check tweeted it doesn’t make it true.) This week, be mindful of the stuff you put out on your feed since your fire sign can be more than a little susceptible to inflammatory content. For more info on that, please watch The Social Dilemma

Virgo

All of us will be susceptible to some election-induced panic buying this week, Virgo, but you need to be particularly careful. Yeah, things might be stressful, but that doesn’t mean you need to drop a grand right now on state-of-the art go bag in case you need to move to the woods. We’re not quite there yet. Buy yourself a slightly-more-expensive-than-necessary candle and leave it at that. 

Libra 

Trying to be the mediator between yourself, your family who voted for , and your family who are still saying they won’t vote at all is enough to send even the most diplomatic of signs (which you are) into hysterics. Time to bow out. You’re not going to be the one who will convince your cousin that both candidates aren’t the same, and you’re def not going to be the one who convinces your great aunt that all Democrats are not Satan worshipping pedophiles, so why not make some last minute calls to *real* undecided voters and spend the rest of your energy choosing your election night drink menu?

Scorpio 

This election night might have you thinking back to last election night, which we’re gonna guess probably looked *pretty* different than what you’re facing now. With all the election talk in the air, don’t be surprised if you are flooded with memories from the last four years—the good, the bad, and the ugly drunk crying. Let the waves of emotion come without judgement. At least this time around you’ll be home with a bottle of wine. 

Sagittarius 

You might find some surprising connections pop up in the next few days (with a voter in a swing state, perhaps?), and you don’t want to take it for granted. *Commercial voice* In these unprecedented times, somehow making a new friend is like winning the lottery, especially because you might need a new person to vent to in the coming days. Okay, let’s face it, months. 

Capricorn

The election hasn’t happened yet but you’re already thinking, “what’s next?” Same, Capricorn, same. All this focus on the future of the country may have you feeling re-focused on the future of you, which is a lot easier for you to control and not run by an archaic system of electors invented by a bunch of white dudes 200 years ago. In fact, the only person you have to convince to win the popular vote is you. Okay, and maybe your group chat. 

Aquarius

Is this the dawning of the age of Aquarius or… something way less fun? This week, your forward-thinking rebellious sign may be overwhelmed with the what-ifs. Find ways to focus on the present moment, even if that means turning off the news for a little while. We promise it’ll still be there for you when you return. It kind of never stops. 

Pisces 

Feeling all the feelings is an understatement for you, this week, Pisces. In fact, you might even be feeling some new feelings that were invented for just this situation. Breathe. Allow yourself some quiet alone time if you start to feel overwhelmed, and if you wanna cry, let it out. Okay, who are we kidding—you’re definitely gonna cry at some point.

Images: Philip Goldsberry / Unsplash; Giphy (12)