Me: Amazing news! Saturn is out of retrograde this week!
You: …what does that even mean?
You may not have realized this, but Saturn has been retrograde since April and, much like when Mercury is retrograde, it is absolutely the reason for all of your life’s problems. In astrology, Saturn is known as the disciplinarian. It’s the “get sh*t done” planet. So when Saturn falls into retrograde, it can be kinda hard to find the motivation to do literally anything. Couple that with summer Fridays, record heat, and happy hour margs, and it’s no wonder you didn’t do jack sh*t this summer. But all that is about to end because Saturn is out of retrograde and, frankly, horrified at what we’ve all been up to in her absence. Sorry girl!!!
Pop the prosecco and make out with a stranger, Aries, because you’re ringing in the new year three months early! This is the perfect week to sit down and think about the year ahead, because you’re feeling clear-headed and goal-oriented. What is 2020 Aries like? Is she thriving? Clear-skinned? Rid of all the f*ckboys in her life? Get started on your 2020 vision now. The rest of the world will catch up when they inevitably go Keto for January.
Get to f*cking class, Taurus! Whether you’re still in school or not, you’re in the mood to learn something new. Expand your horizons by signing up for a class, doubling down in a class you’re already in, picking up a new book, or going down a seven-hour Wikipedia rabbit hole. Pick something you’re interested in and explore. Just try not to turn into one of those people who can’t stop talking about conspiracy theories at brunch.
It’s been an emotional summer, Gemini, but thank God that’s over. There are only so many times you can burst into tears at the same bar before they stop serving you. Now it’s time to stop wallowing and get back out there! Let go of whatever was stressing you this summer *cough* Jason *cough* and watch how easy it was to forge it. Just like Taylor Swift forgot Calvin Harris.
Amazing news: Saturn is out of retrograde and so are your relationships. While the summer might have brought stress in a key relationship in your life (think best friends, significant others, favorite baristas), this week you have the chance to get it back on track. Saturn is the planet of commitment, so now is the perfect time to actually say “I love you” to someone important. But don’t say “I love you” to your barista. That would be weird.
Your self-care regimen has been lacking, Leo, and for a millennial in 2019, that’s a serious crime. This week, take time to up the self-care game in whatever area you need it most. Have you been neglecting your roots? Do a hair mask. Failing to stay hydrated? Treat yourself to a Hydroflask. Suffering from low self-esteem? Listen to Lizzo. It’s literally that easy.
Fire up the ol’ Pinterest board, Virgo, because you’re feeling creative as f*ck! Saturn getting out of retrograde has taken your creative abilities from Nailed It! to Great British Bake Off, and now all you need is a place to channel that energy. Pick out a fun creative project for the week, and I promise you the result will earn a handshake from Paul Hollywood.
There’s no place like home, Libra, and it’s time to revamp your humble abode. How can you make your space more comfortable? Whether it be by rearranging some furniture or investing in some new sheets, there’s probably somewhere at home that you could step up your game. Might I suggest framing the Audrey Hepburn poster you’ve had since college? Just a thought…
True fact: there are a lot of stupid people in this world. Also true fact: you don’t have to personally call out every single one of them. This summer you’ve had a zero tolerance policy for bullsh*t, Scorpio, but this week is an opportunity to ease up on the judgement. Do you really hate Meghan because she spells her name with an h and uses the wrong form of “there,” or does Meghan spell her name with an h and use the wrong form of “there” because you hate her? Answer these questions, oh judgey one, and you shall find inner peace.
The Universe is officially giving you permission to spend money, Sagittarius, and I assume I don’t have to tell you twice to take it. You’ve been financially responsible all summer, this week it’s time to put some of that toward an investment—and no, going ham at Sephora does not count as an investment. Look into making a real investment by buying something that serves as an investment in yourself (think gym membership) or by making a purchase on the actual stock market. Wolf of Wall Street, here you come!
Your hard work is finally paying off, thank God. Now it’s time to avoid burnout. We know you’re ready to take over the world, but the world isn’t ready for you quite yet, so it’s time for baby steps. Instead of trying to accomplish an entire lifetime’s worth of tasks in one week, pick like, five manageable things and focus there. Sorry, but being Beyoncé by Sunday just isn’t feasible.
Boundaries, Aquarius, have you heard of ‘em? This summer you may have let someone (or several people) run amok of your boundaries, but that sh*t stops today. Just because you’re on your phone every second, doesn’t mean you have to be constantly available to everyone in your life. Set clear limits with your friends, family, and coworkers now so you don’t lose your sh*t and go all Gone Girl on them.
What have you been smoking, Pisces? Saturn retrograde has had you operating on “just ate an edible” brain all summer, but it looks like you’ve finally slept it off. Now it’s time to get your squad in order so you have everything you need to succeed. Gather your “very best people”, as the President would say, and form a plan to take over the world ASAP.
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What better way to start off Fall than with the Sun and Neptune battling it out for control of your brain? This week, these two celestial entities will be locked in a battle for dominance, leading to a lot of confusion, frustration, and general indecisiveness. Or, as I like to call it, Tuesday.
Honestly Aries, this week you’re just confused. What is life? Is there meaning to this world of ours? Is it all just chaos? What if the real White Claw shortage is society? You’re pondering life’s big questions this week, and don’t be surprised if you come away with less answers than when you started. And that’s okay! Indulge your curiosity, no matter where it takes you. Just be sure to go incognito before going down a Wikipedia wormhole on serial killers. That’s how you end up on a list.
Everybody is giving you their opinion on everything this week, Taurus, and it’s both confusing and annoying as f*ck! The Sun and Neptune are making it almost impossible for you to make any decisions this week, especially with everyone else buzzing in your ear. Tune out the noise and focus on what you think is best. Unless it’s your friend telling you not to text your ex (and get left on read) for the third Friday in a row. Always listen to that friend.
With the Sun in your house of domesticity and Neptune in your house of career, you’re equally torn between the desire to stay home watching Netflix with your cat partner, and burning the midnight oil to get a leg up at work. Schedule in some work and some play so that you can satisfy both your lazy side, and your boss bitch side. How often do you see those two in the same place?
You’re naturally an amazing caretaker, Cancer, which is why you tend to end up the group mom in social situations. Luckily for your friends, the Sun and Neptune are making you turn your caregiving abilities up to eleven this week. Unluckily for you, this puts you at risk for a burn out. Yes, you want to help Rachel send that breakup text to F*ckboy #3275, but you need to put a limit on how many drafts you’re willing to read. It shouldn’t take five hours to figure out how to say boy bye.
Are you connected with your feelings right now, Leo? Chances are you’ve been holding some sh*t back, and if you’re not careful it’s going to explode all over your next boozy brunch. Tear down some of those walls this week, Leo, and let a close friend know what’s up, or schedule a quick sesh with your therapist for guidance. Remember, everything comes out eventually. Usually after the third tequila shot.
Beware of drama in one of your close relationships this week, Virgo! Whether it be a fight with your significant other over where to get dinner (classic), or a fight with your mom about something that happened when you were five (even more classic), there could be tension in your inner circle. Don’t try to handle this situation on your own. Call in your most trusted advisor (aka the friend you know will text back the quickest) and talk sh*t out before making any serious moves. You’ll definitely regret blocking your own mom over DisneylandGate ‘95. Trust me.
You’re going to be faced with some questions about what kind of friend you are this week, Libra. Are you a helper, or are you an enabler who just tells their friends what they want to hear to avoid hurt feelings? Basically, this week will have you contemplating whether you’re a pusher (a person who pushes people) or a pusher (a person who sells drugs). If it’s the former, good for you! If it’s the latter, can I have your number try to figure out ways you can help your friends make good decisions, not just easy ones.
Hope you weren’t hoping for a quiet week at home with your Netflix subscription, Scorpio, because that’s not going to happen! The Sun is in your house of collaboration and Neptune is in your house of glamour and fame (nbd), meaning you’re basically the life of the party all week. Don’t be surprised if everyone starts hitting you up for happy hours, or if a former flame shows up at your door just begging to take you back. Embrace the spotlight this week and you can go back to being a hermit next Monday.
Demands in your private life might derail your professional life this week, Sagittarius, if you don’t keep an eye on things. With the Sun in your house of career and Neptune in your house of domesticity, it’s kind of hard to stop the two from colliding at least a little bit. Mitigate the damage by making sure you keep both parts of your life separate, i.e. no work emails after 6pm, and no texting during the morning meeting. Do that, and you just might make it out of this week without getting fired. Maybe.
The Sun and Neptune are putting you at risk of some major TMI and oversharing this week, Capricorn, so be careful what you say. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your last relationship (including the weird sex stuff) moments after meeting you. And this goes double for text. Remember: memories fade, but a screenshot is forever.
You can usually trust your intuition, Aquarius, but this week has knocked everything out of whack. Are they mad at you, or do they just seem that way over text? Is that guy at the bar your soulmate, or is he just tall and buying you drinks right now? This week, don’t rely on just yourself to find the answers. Call in a trusted advisor to verify where your head is at before making any rash decisions. Contrary to popular belief, shotgun Las Vegas weddings are still legal in the morning.
The Sun and Neptune are making you want clarity in your love life (don’t we all?), so now might be a good time for the dreaded “what are we?” talk. Sure, it sucks, but like ripping off a bandage, it eventually must be done. Give yourself some time to think about your own feelings, then once you know what you want, go in for the kill. Not that this conversation will kill you. It won’t. (Probably).
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