You know what everyone loves? Judging weddings. Go ahead and get salty in the comments — you know deep down your bitch ass loves hating on wedding shit as much as the next person. Why? Cause it’s fucking funny. In today’s edition of “Let Me Ruin Your Wedding Plans”, we’re tackling wedding centerpieces — you know, those big giant decorations in the middle of each guest table at the reception that are ASKING to be knocked over or stolen by the end of the night. A big vase of flowers, a few dimly lit lanterns, even some bare branches are all par for the course when exploring the wide (and exciting) world of wedding centerpieces. But in my Internet travels I’ve come across some real fucking travesties in the centerpiece department. If you want to be classy, here’s what to fucking avoid.
Anything Involving Mason Jars
I’ve included Mason jars in every post that includes the words “bad” and “wedding”. This shit was cute six years ago. Rustic weddings are more over than Donald Trump, Arie’s likeability, and shoulder pads on women. It’s over, it’s cancelled. Please stop working them into your decor.
Unless you and your fiancé are Vegas showgirls and feathers are #life, there is literally zero reason they need to be worked into your decor and/or on your tables during the reception. Feathers make me itchy. They make people feel weird. No one really likes feathers.
Beer Cans Or Old Wine Bottles
I wouldn’t have felt the need to address this if I hadn’t seen it with my eyes on Pinterest and multiple articles about shitty wedding centerpieces. Really? A PBR can filled with flowers? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Yeah, old wine bottles are a step up, and I’ll argue there ARE ways to make them cute. But, chances are, if you’re using old wine bottles as a centerpiece, you lack the creative depth to do anything cool with them anyway.
What? No. Rocks belong in Zen gardens and in dirt, not as your wedding centerpieces. If they’re inside a vase at the v bottom with beautiful seasonal flowers coming out the top, fine. But under no circumstances should they be strewn around the table or incorporated into any themed “scape” in place of where should be flowers or normal fucking wedding shit.
To the people that use live fish or other aquatic (or like, semi-aquatic) creatures as decor, fuck you. Idk if goldfish or beta fish have thoughts, but I can assure you that if they did, being a part of your wedding would really piss them off. “Hey Bob, are we getting adopted?” “No, Phil, we’re going to sit in this bowl in the center of a table at an uplight-filled wedding in Long Island while a bunch of extras for Real Housewives of New Jersey get drunk and slowly but surely work up the courage to see if fish can taste alcohol. Then we’ll die here, in this godforsaken place.”
No. It is the herpes of craft supplies and has no business on your tables.
It kind of goes without saying, but if you’re fucking old enough to be walking down the aisle and pledging to be part of someone else’s life forever, you’re old enough to have grown out of the Disney stage. I don’t wanna see any Mickey ears, princess figurines, or magical castles in the center of my table.
Images: Annie Gray / Unsplash; Giphy (7)