Winter weddings can be a v betchy affair. First, you get to indulge in a season as cold as your heart. Second, you have the option of utilizing pine and spruce and other greenery without spending an arm and a leg on tropical flowers or boho flower crowns (hard pass, fam—this isn’t Coachella). You also have the option of surrounding yourself with faux fur and not being tacky. So here’s our not totally exhaustive but kinda close list of dos and don’ts for winter weddings.

Do: Be Bold With Color

Winter is not the time for fear pastels. Go bold with jewel tones in bridesmaids dresses, decor, flowers—whatever. Think about dark emerald greens, deep blues and teals, and maroons and reds. Sh*t, throw some metallic in for good measure, too, since this is the season you can get away with gold and silver accents without seeming weird. If you go with baby blues and lavenders, you and your entire wedding will look washed-out and sad. Remember: you’re pale, and we don’t want to draw attention to it.

Don’t: Leave Your Guests Outdoors

Honestly. Take the weather into consideration for every part of your day. Don’t have a receiving line outside if it’s 20 degrees. Don’t force everyone into an indoor/outdoor cocktail hour if there’s a good chance of there being snow on the ground. Don’t book a tent in the dead botanical garden for the reception thinking a few space heaters will do the trick. Winter views: yes. Frozen pinky toes and blue lips: no.

Do: Get Cozy

Once you head to the reception and cocktail hour, your guests are going to want to drink and be cozy. Accessorize couches, chairs, etc. with cozy faux fur throws, candles, and other winter sh*t. If you can somehow get an outdoor fire pit going, jazz snaps for you. Bonus points if you offer wool wraps and shawls for guests in the interim. Think of it as the more wintery classy version of giving flip-flops out at a spring or summer reception. Everyone will talk about how cool and nice you are.

Don’t: Leave Your Bridesmaids To Freeze

Your girls are likely going to be in sleeveless or near-sleeveless dresses. Buy them some shawls, homie, and keep them warm. No one looks cute shivering in pictures, and you all are going to be snapping photos for quite some time. Sh*t, if it snows, you know you’re going to want that captured on film for like, ever. So don’t be a douche and not take the wedding party into consideration. You could also go the route of long sleeved dresses, which, honestly, can be cute when they’re done right.

Do: Use Evergreens

‘Tis the season for eucalyptus, pine, spruce, and garlands of evergreen, and you don’t need a florist to incorporate that sh*t into your big day. Have the groomsmen cut pine boughs while they’re drunk bored or head to the craft store for seasonal greenery to spruce up your cocktail hour or reception space. Don’t be afraid, also, to incorporate sprigs of mistletoe into bouquets or boutonnieres. Considering it’s the dead of winter and not much else is alive, this gives you a great opportunity to be authentic with your plant décor. Speaking of which …

Don’t: Make Floral Mistakes

Because not a whole lot grows when it’s 15 degrees outside, don’t make the mistake of ordering florals that are wildly out of season for your big day. Love hydrangeas and orchids? Tough titties—pick something else. Not only will non-seasonal flowers look really out of place, they’ll also be outrageously expensive. Spend that money on alcohol and your shoes or whatever.

Do: Take The Weather Into Consideration

Your guests are making a promise (kinda) to travel for your big day. With a winter wedding comes the risk of blizzards, ice, freezing rain, and just generally crappy weather to drive or fly in. Take all this into account, and get insurance and a backup plan for your big day. Even if you just purchase a ton of trendy umbrellas and fur wraps, do SOMETHING to put yourself at ease if the worst happens.

Don’t: Make It Holiday Themed

Winter, yes. Seasonal, yes. Christmas or Hanukah or Kwanzaa themed, no. No one wants to walk into a winter wedding where Santa makes an appearance or a menorah is lit during dinner. Opt for a classy winter theme with elements of the season like metallic ornaments, candles, evergreens, and snow. Please note, that does not include fake snow falling from the ceiling or thrown on you outside the reception. That’s tacky, and I hate it.

Images: Sweet Ice Cream Photography / Unsplash; Giphy (3) 

Wedding season has descended upon us. At any given time from June through September you may have to sit through an outdoor carnival themed hipster wedding, a classy vineyard wedding, or even a fucking non-airconditioned reception in a barn. So rude. But being a good wedding guest takes some learnin’, and if you’re not willing to not be a dick and follow our rules, then maybe you don’t get to go partake in the six-hour open bar, potential for one-night stands, or shithole DJ yelling “GET YOUR HANDS UP” or “WOOO” every three minutes. It’s gonna be a great time, guys. Here are some rules of wedding guest etiquette you need to follow if you want to sit with us (or more accurately, your friends at the next wedding—you get it). These summer wedding faux pas are social suicide.

1. Show Up In Minimal Clothing

Oh no, no, no. You aren’t going to the CLERRRBBB. You’re going to a fucking wedding. I get that the cute matching crop top and miniskirt set and 5-inch wedges will look totally fetch and def get you laid (which is like, so important cause it’s been a while and you’re starting to see sounds), but try to fucking chill. If you’re approaching 30, you shouldn’t be wearing a dress that’s six inches or more above the knee. And NO CROP TOPS (Scheana). Catholic school rules apply. No offense, but it’s true.

2. Wear White

This goes for any season, but it’s easiest to make the mistake when it’s fucking 95 degrees outside and the eighth circle of hell seems a lot closer temperature-wise than usual. Do not wear fucking white or anything remotely close to it. Only the bride should be in white/cream/champagne/blush (whatever) so don’t wear anything even CLOSE. You’re tacky if you do, and the bride’s mom will def tackle you because HOW DARE YOU UPSTAGE MY BABY. If you have to even ask if the color you’re thinking of wearing is too close to white, it is, and you need to put it back in the closet and save it for brunch or whatever.

3. Get Too Turnt

Again, this kinda goes for all seasons, but it’s easiest to fuck up during the summer. It’s hot, there’s an open bar, and wine spritzers go down reaaaaaal easy this time of the year. Try drinking a glass of water after each boozy drink so that you a) stay hydrated and b) don’t end up blacking out by the time the reception rolls around. No hoodrat shit.

4. Skip Deodorant 

Yikes. I shouldn’t have to explain this one, but it’s hot. You may end up in a church without an AC, or you may end up wearing something that shows how much of a disgusting person you really are. Wear some fucking deodorant and bring a travel size one with you to reapply if needed. No one wants to smell your funk.

5. Bitch About How Hot It Is

WE GET IT. There’s nothing the bride can do about the heat wave, and I PROMISE she’s hotter in that 40 layer tulle ballgown than you are with your bare legs and updo. Get that bitch a mister and be nice.

6. Think You’re Too Good For Sunscreen

If this wedding is going to be outdoors at literally any point during the day, lather up. You don’t want some weird tan lines from your strappy cocktail dress, do you? Also, if you’re looking to hook up and you were outside without sunscreen, how long until your pink nose and lobster-like redness deter every eligible bachelor in the vicinity? I give it a few hours.

Images: Anna Utochkina, Unsplash; Giphy (7)

Wedding season tends to bring out the worst in us. Not only do we have to give up attention for like, the whole day (and possibly a weekend *shudders*), but we also have to endure a lot of strangers in a short period of time. It shouldn’t be a surprise to any of you, but being a guest at a wedding comes with certain rules; some better known and adhered to than others. So, to not make yourself out to be the biggest asshole at the upcoming nuptials, here are some do’s and don’t’s of wedding etiquette for those of you about to sit through a super spectacular wedding.

1. RSVP On Time

This is kind of a no-brainer, but it bears fucking repeating. Is it really that hard to mark YES I’M COMING on the card, put it back in the prepaid envelope, and send it back to the soon-to-be-hitched couple? You don’t even have to find a stamp. What is difficult about this?? Don’t be a dick. Send back your RSVP on time and save the bride the headache of having to fucking text you a few weeks before the wedding.

2. Don’t Assume You Can Bring Someone–Including Kids

Unless your invite specifically said “and guest” do not fucking show up with a rando. Likewise, do not text the bride or groom a week before the wedding explaining how super deep and meaningful your one-month relationship is and go on a monologue about why you should be allowed to bring so-and-so. This rule also goes for children (shocking, I know). Unless the invite said “The Whole Fam-damnily” then don’t assume that all 10 of your kids are welcome to come and ruin what should be an adults-only event. Kids are terrible.

3. Do Tell Them About Your Weird Food Allergy

If, for some reason, you break out into dance hives when you smell gluten, or your eyelids turn inside out when you see peanut butter, go ahead and scribble that fascinating info down on an RSVP card—even if there isn’t a place for it. Trying to navigate vegans, vegetarians, Celiacs, breathatarians, raw-fooders, and general weirdos gets easier when you have specifics. The more you know.

4. Be Early Or, At Least, On Time

The bride is trying to make a fucking entrance, both during the ceremony and at the reception. Having you wander in 30 seconds before start time (or, God forbid, after the start time) takes the focus off of her—which is prime reason you’re now cruisin’ for a bruisin’ from her new hubby. Lol but seriously, don’t be a dick. If the wedding says 3pm, be there 15 minutes before. A lesson that should be applied to life, if I’m being honest, because I’m fucking tired of waiting at my brunch reservation for 15-30 minutes because SOME people think reservation start times are merely a suggestion.

5. Do Not Text The Bride

May seem like a nice thing to do, but, you could be wrong. I know a bitch who texted my friend, the bride, as she was getting ready. “Hey how are you??? Are you nervous??? It’s raining but will probably stop. Can I bring you anything????!!” I appreciate the care and need for companionship, but chill tf out. This bitch is getting married today. She’s got mimosas at her fingertips (which are being painted). Her stomach feels like it’s going to fall through her asshole. She hasn’t had a carb in three months. The last thing she needs is a bunch of people texting her asking how her day is going. Leave that bitch alone.

6. Do Not Wear White

This is like, a pretty well-known thing, but due to recent questions from people I know, this clearly isn’t well known enough. Do not, if you value your life, wear white or cream or ivory or ivory blush or eggshell or whatever the fuck stupid synonym fashion marketers are using now to denote white. Really, avoid anything that could be potentially light or white enough to piss off the bride. It is an unspoken rule that you never, ever wear white to a wedding that isn’t yours (unless the bride weirdly requests it). That means you, Kelly.

7. You Owe A Gift Even If You Can’t Go

MMMHMMM. You know who you are. Nothing is ruder than heading to a wedding and not bringing a gift (or mailing one later … or sending one before the wedding). The bride and groom have stressed over the decor, the food, the ceremony, and how to entertain you fucks. You get an invite, you buy a gift. End of fucking story. Furthermore, and maybe if you DIDN’T know, etiquette says that even if you CAN’T attend the wedding, you still owe a gift. So, by my count, that’s about 10-15 gifts I’m still missing. Some from family members. On his side. MMMHMMMMM.

8. Be Nice To The Weirdos At Your Table

I know getting stuck at a table full of people you don’t know isn’t the most awesome thing ever. But have a drink, put on your big girl panties, and make the most of it. Nothing is worse, as a bride, than stressing about how people at certain tables are going to get along. The couple did their best to put you with people you may like. So, like, make some convo. If you hate them, you never have to see them again, so just suck it up for a few hours.

Images: Shardayyy Photography, Unsplash; Giphy (8)

If it’s on, you can bet I’m watching Say Yes To The Dress. Not only do we all love Randy’s antics (because I only watch the NYC one, since it’s the only one that counts), but I love watching a bride break down when she’s a) gained too much weight; b) isn’t allowed to go over $10k; and c) requires the designer to come out and tell her what a beautiful butterfly she is in order to purchase said $10K dress.

This shit is so unrealistic it’s hilarious. As someone who has successfully bought a wedding dress (and like, gotten married but I feel like that’s less important here), here are all the things that are totally ridiculous about Say Yes to the Dress.

1. You Probably Won’t Have An ‘OMG THIS IS THE DRESS’ Moment

You’re going to try on A LOT of dresses. Some will look hilarious, what with their giant bows or wrist-length lace or see-through corsets. Some will look literally amazing on you. You’re going to like (and hate) a lot of them. It’s pretty rare to have an OMG THIS IS 100% THE DRESS moment, which you’ll notice the show always hypes up. So, take this fucking advice to the bank: If you don’t have an OMG moment, it’s fine. It’s normal. Again, you’re going to like lots of dresses. Just pick one you feel comfortable and like yourself in. Don’t let these TLC skanks make you believe you need a dress orgasm when “the one” comes along.

2. Not Everything Works Even After Alterations

Say Yes to the Dress makes it seem like eeeevery little thing can be fixed by Vera. To be fair, that betch is a MIRACLE worker (have you seen the brides that gain 15 pounds and don’t understand why their dress doesn’t fit?). Most stores that aren’t Kleinfeld have good and great alterations departments. That doesn’t mean that the backless lace dress you picked is going to perfectly hug every curve when they get done with it. Why? Because the dress you pick depends on its structure, and short of creating you a brand new dress, not everything is going to look like it’s painted on you. They’ll do their best—it’s their job. But go in knowing that miracles are unlikely.

3. Most Shops Let You Grab Your Own Dress

Did you ever notice how on Say Yes to the Dress, the brides kinda sit and ponder their lives while the attendant grabs dresses THEY think she’ll like? Most shops aren’t like that. Some will guide you to the racks where dresses within your budget live. Some will let you run all over the store. Yes, some will grab for you, but many really don’t. Don’t feel like you have to put your dress future in someone else’s hands, especially a stranger you just met. I spent 40 minutes by myself in one boutique because I wanted to try a ton of options on and because I really don’t like people in general. It’s your time and it’s your money.

4. Very Few People Are Going To Spend More Than $5K

“Oh, this one is $13,000” is a normal part of conversations at Kleinfeld on Say Yes to the Dress. Outside of TLC—a place where being 600 pounds is commonplace and buying $10K dresses you’ll wear for one day is totes fine—this isn’t a typical occurrence. One shop may have nothing over $5,000. Another may have more intermediate pricing. The fact of the matter is that very few bridal shops are going to carry one-of-a-kind pieces that clock in at about as much as a shitty used Honda.

On top of that, don’t feel like you have to spend a certain amount. On Say Yes to the Dress, if a bride has a budget of less than $2,000, they often get the “WTF YOU’RE POOR” music and an attendant talking about how there are so few options for those who are povo. FAKE NEWS. There are tons of dresses from $100 to $2,500. Maybe not at Kleinfeld, but there are in the real world.

5. It’s Better If You Bring One Person

Show me an episode where the whole bridal party gets along, and I’ll eat my hand. The more people you bring to a bridal appointment, the more issues and opinions are going to be hurled at you. Mommy wants a ballgown. Sister wants a mermaid. Gramma wants a tea-length. You know whose opinion matters? Yours. Bring one person or no one at all and pick the dress YOU want to get married in.

Images: Giphy (5)

Wedding registries are something that, unfortunately, must be done. Obv, everyone would just love a fat stack of cash for their wedding, but Great Aunt Diane insists on getting an actual gift. So, here we are. Don’t get me wrong—brides and grooms would love for you to just write them a check. But, if there is a wedding registry and they need some shit, there are a few guidelines.

As a former bride, I can attest to the fact that some things on your wedding registry are there because your mom/future mother-in-law insisted you need it. Not all gifts are created equal. Here are the things to stay away from on the wedding registry if you want the super happy couple to be as happy about your gift.

1. Fine China

Plainly put, they won’t use this. Ever. It’s a waste of space. They’d be better off getting some interesting artisanal plates from a local potter or plate maker or whatever they’re being called these days.

2. Towels

If they’ve already been living together, they definitely have towels already. A few giant bath sheets are great if they’re on the registry, but don’t feel like you have to get them the ultimate towel set made from the finest hand-spun cotton from a country no one has heard of. They’ll survive. Plus, if they don’t get towels, it gives them a chance to have a happy couple visit to Bed, Bath and Beyond, the ultimate test of any marriage.

3. Crystal Vase Or Pitcher

Is this couple that bougie that they require a crystal vase to hold all of the freshly cut rare flowers that’ll be on display in their home? If they do, they can buy it themselves. Assholes. Same rules apply for the pitcher. If they have an option for a more reasonable and practical pitcher (like one that won’t get smudges all over it), go for that. How often are they going to use a goddamn crystal pitcher? Tell me that’ll be out every Saturday AND Sunday for mimosas and every weekday for freshly squeezed orange juice, and I’ll buy it for you.

4. Single Use Kitchen Items

I’m not buying a panini press, quesadilla maker, popcorn machine, or anything else off your wedding registry that does literally one thing. If you want popcorn, get the microwaveable kind like the rest of us. If you need quesadillas that badly, learn to make them in a fucking skillet. Trust me—the soon-to-be wed couple will not miss something that does one trick, then sits in the back of a pantry taking up space for the next 10 years.

5. Ice Cream Makers

Unnecessary.

Hey, you know what’s a pain in the ass? Making fucking ice cream. You know what’s a lot easier? Buying a few pints of Talenti and Breyer’s (or Halo Top if you’re a dieting betch) and going to fucking town. Yeah, you may think that having an ice cream maker will bring out your inner Ina Garten, but, you could be wrong.

6. Serving Platters

Everyone always ends up with too many fucking serving platters. I unknowingly put four on my registry, got all four, and now have roughly 10 because APPARENTLY I had six that I’d forgotten about. Oops. Do you know how many times I use and need 10 serving platters varying from cream-colored porcelain to slate board to polished drift wood? Not often. The most I’ve ever used at one time is six, which happened because I got drunk and made too many appetizers.

7. Weird Sex Stuff

Help.

Alright, look. Maybe it’s the really weird, overly sexual couple getting married. IDK, they’re your friends, not mine. But if they have the gumption to put some kind of weird sex toy or Kama Sutra book on their registry, do not be the one to buy it. What they do in the privacy of their sex dungeon bedroom is up to them. Besides, do you want to walk away knowing that it was your money that contributed to a sex injury when they attempted the flying dragon or the crouching lotus or some shit?

8. Throw Pillows

Yeah, you show those pillows who’s boss.

If you REALLY want to piss off the groom, get throw pillows. No man truly understands them, and having lots and lots of them on the bed sends the male species into a rage and confusion blackout. They’re really fucking pointless, but hey, at least they look nice.

Images: Giphy (4) 

You know what everyone loves? Judging weddings. Go ahead and get salty in the comments — you know deep down your bitch ass loves hating on wedding shit as much as the next person. Why? Cause it’s fucking funny. In today’s edition of “Let Me Ruin Your Wedding Plans”, we’re tackling wedding centerpieces — you know, those big giant decorations in the middle of each guest table at the reception that are ASKING to be knocked over or stolen by the end of the night. A big vase of flowers, a few dimly lit lanterns, even some bare branches are all par for the course when exploring the wide (and exciting) world of wedding centerpieces. But in my Internet travels I’ve come across some real fucking travesties in the centerpiece department. If you want to be classy, here’s what to fucking avoid.

Anything Involving Mason Jars

I’ve included Mason jars in every post that includes the words “bad” and “wedding”. This shit was cute six years ago. Rustic weddings are more over than Donald Trump, Arie’s likeability, and shoulder pads on women. It’s over, it’s cancelled. Please stop working them into your decor.

Fucking Feathers

Unless you and your fiancé are Vegas showgirls and feathers are #life, there is literally zero reason they need to be worked into your decor and/or on your tables during the reception. Feathers make me itchy. They make people feel weird. No one really likes feathers.

Beer Cans Or Old Wine Bottles

I wouldn’t have felt the need to address this if I hadn’t seen it with my eyes on Pinterest and multiple articles about shitty wedding centerpieces. Really? A PBR can filled with flowers? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Yeah, old wine bottles are a step up, and I’ll argue there ARE ways to make them cute. But, chances are, if you’re using old wine bottles as a centerpiece, you lack the creative depth to do anything cool with them anyway.

Rocks

What? No. Rocks belong in Zen gardens and in dirt, not as your wedding centerpieces. If they’re inside a vase at the v bottom with beautiful seasonal flowers coming out the top, fine. But under no circumstances should they be strewn around the table or incorporated into any themed “scape” in place of where should be flowers or normal fucking wedding shit.

For the record, this Rock also has no place at your wedding.

Living Creatures

To the people that use live fish or other aquatic (or like, semi-aquatic) creatures as decor, fuck you. Idk if goldfish or beta fish have thoughts, but I can assure you that if they did, being a part of your wedding would really piss them off. “Hey Bob, are we getting adopted?” “No, Phil, we’re going to sit in this bowl in the center of a table at an uplight-filled wedding in Long Island while a bunch of extras for Real Housewives of New Jersey get drunk and slowly but surely work up the courage to see if fish can taste alcohol. Then we’ll die here, in this godforsaken place.”

“HELP US! WE’RE HERE! ON THE TABLES!”

Glitter

No. It is the herpes of craft supplies and has no business on your tables.

Disney Anything

It kind of goes without saying, but if you’re fucking old enough to be walking down the aisle and pledging to be part of someone else’s life forever, you’re old enough to have grown out of the Disney stage. I don’t wanna see any Mickey ears, princess figurines, or magical castles in the center of my table.

Go on, GIT!

Images: Annie Gray / Unsplash; Giphy (7)

It’s officially September which means all the basic fall shit is upon us. And sure, it’s not technically fall until the 20th but tell that to Starbucks and this perfect weather. It’s fucking fall. And while there’s plenty of basic autumn, pumpkin-themed shit to go around, there’s nothing on this earth more basic than all the fall weddings you’re about to being going to. The colors, the brides themselves, the fucking leaves everywhere. It never ends. So to get you ready for fall wedding season, we’re telling you what each fall wedding trend says about you (or your friends so you can judge the shit out of their basic af wedding).

1. S’more Station

If you’re a s’more bride, you’re a pretty standard betch. You’re not overly cool but not too extra. In fact, you probably find yourself in the middle of the pack a lot. Not the prettiest of your squad, but not the DUFF either. Not the most successful person at work, but not a total loser. You’re exceptionally average at everything. After you’re married a few years, you’ll move to the suburbs and start popping out kids. Lucky for you, being the middle friend usually means you’re everyone’s favorite so you’ll still be able to have somewhat of a social life.

2. Sunflowers

Oh look. The hipster bride. You know we had to fit you in here somewhere. You probably chose the fall to get hitched because of the warm aura of the colors and the good energy it will give your marriage. You quickly realized that despite the good vibes, fall brings a lot of basic options, which your fellow hipster friends would turn their beanie’d heads at. Enter sunflowers. They’re an autumn-y color but people don’t automatically think fall because sun equals summer. Fucking duh. When you’re not busy brewing your own kombucha, you work for a nonprofit and will eventually have one kid and name it something stupid and they get made fun of at school. Way to go.

3. Caramel Apples

If this is you, you’re weird af. Sorry. Someone had to tell you. Like the hipster bride, you’re trying hard not to be basic, but instead of pretty sunflowers, you picked something bizarre that no one likes. Eat a messy, sticky apple on a stick while trying to go home with the best man keep your lipstick and full face of contour intact? No fucking thanks. Once you get back from your honeymoon hiking the Grand Canyon, you’ll buy a tiny house and compost and other weird shit.

4. Pompoms From Your Alma Mater

Back in the day, you were def the BSCB of your group. Tbh, everyone at your wedding is surprised you’re getting married at all because in college the idea of one dick for the rest of your life would have sent you into depression-induced coma. You decided on pompoms because it’s your last-ditch effort to hold on to your happier, drunker college days. Same tho. You have a career in sales now because you can still get wasted all the time and make a lot of money. You and your husband are total bros and in a few years will be all your middle-aged friends’ favorite couple to host Bunco because they always get shitty when they’re at your place.

5. Pumpkin Spice Latte Bar

You’re as basic of a betch as they come. In college you were the pledge educator and loved taking care of your sorority babies and wearing all your Greek gear around campus. Every year, you post the exact same Instagram about your first PSL of the year, so it’s no surprise that when you decided on fall to get married that a pumpkin spice latte bar was a must. In your adult life, you’re a teacher or something else nice and innocent but not for long because you’re probs getting knocked up within a year of your wedding day and will be a stay-at-home mom.

6. Long-Sleeved Gown

If the only slightly fall-ish thing you do at your wedding is wear a weather-appropriate dress then you’re one of the few classic and sophisticated fall brides, a real rare find. In fact, you’re probably getting married in the fall because it made sense based on when you got engaged, not because you’re weirdly obsessed with the season. In college, you found yourself somewhere in the middle, not a total nice girl but not a BSCB either. Once you graduated, you got a good job, like a marketing exec or lawyer, and probs met your future spouse at a bar during office happy hour. You’ll wait a while to have kids because you don’t want to give up your lifestyle, but don’t worry. You won’t. By the time that comes, you’ll be able to afford at least two nannies.