It’s no secret that most betches aren’t like… amazing at budgeting their money. But like, who can really blame you? You suck at cooking, but pretend to be vaguely health conscious, so a lot of your money goes towards kind of expensive salads. (How much are salads even supposed to be? I genuinely have no idea, but every time I buy a salad, I’m like “Wait, that felt kind of overpriced.”) Betches are a really interesting demographic financially, because like, you’ll swipe your card for a $200 pair of jeans that make your butt look dope without blinking, but your Google search history includes things like “Will cheap alcohol make me drunk faster?” and “Does generic Plan B work?” What, you Googled that for your roommate? Right.
Anyway, I’m obviously not a financial expert or anything, but I’m a self-proclaimed shopping expert, so I feel like it’s my duty to help you out here. Actually, I don’t think I should even go as far as to say that I’m a self-proclaimed expert. I think I just like hearing myself talk. But yeah, there’s tons of shit you just straight up shouldn’t be buying and I’m here to save you from that. Here are five things you should literally never buy.
1. Fake Gucci Loafers
Steve Madden just released about a million pairs of shoes that are straight rip-offs of the Gucci Princetown Loafer Mule. At $80, these loafers are pretty much just a glorified knockoff, but they’re produced by a brand you’re familiar with so you don’t have to go into some creepy stockroom on Canal Street to get them.
I’m not telling you to splurge on the $800 Gucci shoes and I’m definitely not bashing fast fashion. Stores like Zara and H&M are awesome for picking up inexpensive clothing that evokes a similar-looking vibe to high-end designs. However, the line between being inspired by luxury fashion and blatantly ripping it off is so fine, my Kat Von D liquid eyeliner couldn’t draw it. These shoes are honestly such a scam, buying them is basically one step away from wiring money to the guy from Nigeria emailing you to send him money because his funds are tied up in Europe. There are so many other styles of inexpensive, non-tacky shoes in the world to choose from. You have literally no reason to purchase these, ever.
2. Designer Headphones
I have a lot of unpopular opinions regarding Lilly Pulitzer that I’ll either keep to myself or save for a later date (quick preview: I think wearing boxy tunics covered in a neon seashell print is the dumbest shit you can do), but in regards to this list, do not buy Lilly Pulitzer, or any other designer ear buds. They’re pretty much the crappy ear buds that came with your iPod touch a million years ago, but with a design that might make them easier to describe when you undeniably leave them at the gym in two weeks and ask the guy at the front desk if he’s seen them.
Beats by Dr. Dre has $100 in-ear headphones that you should probably just spring for. Sure, they’re $80 more and don’t have a floral design (which seems like a plus to me, but no judgement), but by the time you’ve gone through a few pairs of shitty headphones, you’ll have wished you just bought these instead.
3. Expensive, Trendy Sunglasses
You know how they say you should try to keep a plant alive before you get a dog? And that you should learn to take care of a pet before you have kids? Well, I say screw all of that and buy yourself a pair of expensive sunglasses if you want to know how responsible you really are. Plot spoiler: You’re irresponsible AF and might as well just spent that $200 on Candy Crush lives because it’ll last way longer.
You should definitely buy designer sunglasses if you like, HAVE to have a particular design or know that you’ll be able to hold onto them for a while. For example, Ray Ban Wayfarers are a good idea, because they’re a classic style and you can spot a knock-off from a mile away. However, if you’re just looking for a pair of glasses that look like something you saw on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat, it’s not really worth it to spend a lot. There’s really no point in getting Illesteva glasses when you can get a pair that looks exactly like them literally anywhere else for less, because they’re probably just a fad that you’ll forget about when you watch Kylie’s story tomorrow and she’s wearing yet another pair. (And if it sounds like I’m contradicting myself on what I said about the faux Guccis, give it another read. The point is to find something similar, not a total knockoff.)
4. Tacky Phone Cases
I get it. You’ve been in line at Forever 21 for 15 long minutes and are trying to decide if the $6 choker you’re about to get is even worth it. The bins by the counter, which are actually just strategically placed black holes, are starting to look appealing. You take a look through and find a glitter phone case, and it’s less than $10 so you decide to get it.
Unless you want your life to be ruined, you should absolutely put that tacky phone case down. There’s a 0% chance it’ll save your phone during your next bender. All of the junky phone cases in the world aren’t worth a scratch on the most valuable 4.7 inches of property you own (aka, your phone screen). The only thing more brutal than having a shattered phone screen is having to pay to get it fixed, so just be a decent human being and buy a legitimate phone case, like perhaps one from Shop Betches.
5. Cheap Watches
In case you haven’t noticed, nobody really needs watches anymore because we’re just always on our phones, which also tell the time if you didn’t realize. Also, manually changing the time on something when Daylight Saving Time happens is such a buzzkill. Yes I know that doesn’t happen very frequently, but of the watches I own, none of them have ever been changed with Daylight Saving Time. It’s just like, too much work for my busy lifestyle.
Anyway, don’t spend money on dumb cheap watches. They’ll probably turn your wrist green, or break or something. Who needs a crappy watch to tell them what time it is when you have your Uber driver constantly calling you to tell you he’s been waiting outside for five minutes and is about to dip out?