Good morning, idiot hookers, and once again congratulations for making it to Thursday, which is basically Friday. It’s officially (almost) the end of another long AF week and I’ve spent the last few days avoiding answering work emails in favor of Googling “how to marry rich.” Classic. For those of you who aren’t living in the city that never sleeps with the same person twice, New York can be like, v hard to meet people. Especially if you’re aiming higher than a fuckboy on Bumble. NYC is supposed to be the land of possibilities and one of those possibilities should be landing your own wolf of Wall Street. You know, if your wolf looks less like Leo Dicaprio and more like Chuck Bass with a dad bod left over from college and a casual coke problem. A girl can dream.
Tbh finance bros aren’t really my type. My standard for guys is lower—more like drunkest guy at happy hour. Obviously, my mother is v proud. But because I
value my journalistic duty like to drink I still definitely hang out at bars where the finance bros gather to drink overpriced beer and whiskey. So here’s a list of the best bars to lock down a finance bro husband so you never have to pretend to love your job again.
1. Dorrian’s Red Hand
Location: Upper East Side
Type of Wealth: He probs has a trust fund
Contrary to what Gossip Girl led us to believe, the Upper East Side is not actually the be-all and end-all of the New York social scene. Sorry, B, but I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this. Because, yes, there are finance bros who Serena probs drunkenly slept with in the 10th grade that hang out there but those guys are probably also like, 40. Or they act 40. Either way, I did not sign up to get shitfaced and also talk about where I think the stock market is going this year. Jesus. Just tell me I’m pretty and buy me a drink. That’s literally all it takes. (Again, my mother is so proud.) In case you need me to paint a clearer picture for you, you know that guy with the dad bod and casual coke problem that I mentioned before? That’s the type that frequents Dorrian’s Red Hand. The type that’s posted up by the bar 3-4 days a week drinking over-priced whiskey sours and talking about his boarding school glory days. Hurry, girls, get him while he’s still single!
2. The Jane Hotel
Location: West Village
Type of Wealth: He could be related to Chuck Bass
The West Village/Chelsea is going to be the best hunting ground for rich AF husband material. Something about the low-key models running around in athleisure gear taking their damn time in the Starbucks line at 9am just screams money. Idk why. And the Jane Hotel is a staple among the rich and the kind of boring. You know it’s boujee AF because there’s a fucking dress code to get in and champagne is like, $12 a glass. Keeping with the Gossip Girl analogies here, the Chuck Basses of the world def frequent The Jane. But like, season one Chuck Bass who wore an unreasonable amount of Ralph Lauren polo shirts and tried to low-key rape high school freshmen. Charming.
Random Bar Bro:
3. The Ainsworth
Type of Wealth: He bought votes to win his frat’s presidential election
First of all, the vibe of this place is just confusing. There’s like, chandeliers and shit but also dudes in button downs aggressively drinking beer and watching Sports Center. I can honestly say I’ve only ever been to this bar once and it was on St. Patrick’s Day when I was
blackout celebrating the Irish spirit, which tbh are really the best circumstances for feeling out a crowd. For example, I watched a grown man in a nice suit wait in line for 15 minutes for the WOMEN’S BATHROOM. Which should speak to the intelligence of the bar’s clientele and also how much that crowd likes to drink. That being said, he also looked like the kind of guy who would offer to pay for more than just a shot of Fireball or the shittiest beer on tap so, like, I was here for it. I imagine this is the kind of bar where that 19-year-old with a really great fake that you met at Houston Hall one time goes when he grows up hits 25 and has a crisis of conscience. Hope to see ya soon, buddy!
4. PJ Clarke’s
Type of Wealth: He casually owns a boat
I had to include another outdoor bar because I so enjoy day drinking for the Insta. Not only does this bar guarantee you a new riverside profile pic, but it also guarantees you a lot of time spent in the company of men who wear shit like this:
Sadly, I’d probably hit that with the right amount of alcohol in my system. *laughs uncomfortably* Similar to The Frying Pan, there’s definitely a preppy Southern vibe here but unlike at The Frying Pan, these people aren’t fronting to be rich assholes because actually are rich assholes. Definitely hit this place up on summer Fridays and be sure to wear your sluttiest pastels. This crowd will eat that shit up.
5. Brother Jimmy’s
Location: Midtown East
Type of Wealth: He’ll offer to split the rent with you in Jersey
Andddd we’re back to this hell hole of an establishment. In a previous post I mentioned that this bar is a place where New Jersey commuting douchebags hang out and also maybe Trump supporters. Well, in a complete and totally expected turn of events, these Jersey commuting assholes and worshipers of a human Cheeto also work in finance. It’s really a special place. If you go there, prepare to spend a fuck ton of money on a very shitty vodka soda and have forced conversation with some guy trying to sell you on coming back to his place… in HOBOKEN. Look, I have nothing against Hoboken. I once
dated was in a Snapchat relationship with a guy who lived in Hoboken who was always saying stuff like “it’s not that far” but I’m pretty sure New Jersey Transit is involved and I do not fuck with that. Okay, so I may have made that last part up. I could be the PATH? Truthfully, I have no idea how you get to Hoboken but I assume it’s about as traumatic as the one time I did try to take New Jersey Transit and got lost by the TGI Friday’s in Penn Station. Regardless, there’s only so far I’m willing to take my hoe ass and I draw a hard line at the New York state border.
If all else fails you can just wander down Stone Street. It’s the mecca for after-hours finance dudes looking to forget the fact that their 200K+ salary won’t replace their personalities. You’ll know you’ve found the place when you see a group of sad looking guys in suits drinking tiny cocktails that cost the same amount of money as my share of the cable bill.
Every betch has experienced this moment online dating: you swipe right, he swipes right, you get to talking and he doesn’t immediately seem like the type of person who would wear your skin as a suit. Ah, the romance. But then you inevitably get to the part of the conversation where you have to, like,
shatter the illusion meet them IRL. Ugh. And because we live in a world where flaming heaps of garbage can have dating apps you have to be super specific about where you want to meet up. Once I told a guy we should meet up for drinks and was not specific about the locale (though I was specific about the day) and it ended in nudes. Typical. Turns out the day I picked was the same day a freak blizzard hit NYC and everything shut down except for apparently the thirsty AF trolls on Bumble. The troll I was talking to suggested that I was a meteorologist in my spare time and thus knew the blizzard was hitting and in that case would I like to come over to his place to Netflix and chill? This request was then followed up with a mirror selfie of his semi-naked body. I so love being single.
The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because it’s 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. We’ve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So here’s a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether you’re DTF, ready to find your next
victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, y’all!
Date Vibe: I’m nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so you’ll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the “real” Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because I’ve personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. It’s got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if you’re having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a person’s profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you aren’t kittenfished in any way.
2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN
Date Vibe: I’d make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. It’’s basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you aren’t vibing your date is short. Plus it’s fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says “I want to be your girlfriend” but subtly because you’re holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like you’re not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got ‘em.
Date Vibe: I’m DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Year’s Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and he’d still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldn’t feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro you’re unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Don’t bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, it’s an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.
4. MIDDLE BRANCH<
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m here
for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical “cool NYC speakeasy” that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldn’t go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), it’s a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though I’m sure unlike Blair you’re interested in more than just this guy’s money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then you’ll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.
5. DOWN THE HATCH
Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, let’s take shots
I literally only suggested this place because it’s close to work and that’s kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, it’s not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if you’re looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. They’ve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, it’s perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks you’re “wise” and “endearing” because you’re 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.
6. SALVATION TACO
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m
fun and flirty basic AF
Again, you’ll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin’ tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really you’re as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, you’re basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, they’re amazing and two, there’s no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.