‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: More Baggage Than Tumi

14 episodes into this season of Vanderpump Rules, and I still feel like nothing really of note has happened. Jax and Brittany’s wedding charade came and went. Kristen is spiraling further inside of herself. Lala is doubling down on her role as the cast bully. But are any of these actual events? This is nothing like Jax banging Kristen, or Kristen flying up Miami girl to accost Sandoval, or even Kristen wearing that desperate green dress to go “get her mail” post-breakup. I’m beginning to truly come to terms with the fact that Vanderpump Rules is so far removed from its heyday that it can never return. It is a shell of what it once was. Or am I being too idealistic? After all, even with all that said, I do think this has been comparatively a good season. 

When last week ended, Randall pranked Sandoval by way of Jax by getting him fake-arrested; the only person who vocally did not find it funny was Katie. This ends with Schwartz saying some truly gross things about his wife, and him being genuinely shocked that Katie does not still leave the party with him. Then again, these two just might be two toxic peas in a radioactive pod: Schwartz yells “that’s why I don’t f*ck her”; Katie screams about how his d*ck doesn’t work. A day in the life of the Bubbas.

This episode opens with Schwartz, Beau, Jax, and Max at a skate park—fitting considering all these guys have the emotional maturity of 14-year-olds. Jax asked Schwartz if he’s “squashed things” between him and Katie, and although I don’t think Jax is any kind of master—or even adequtae—wordsmith, given that he does not even know how to pronounce the word “inevitably”, I do find the fact that he refers to a serious issue in Schwartz and Katie’s marriage as something that needs to be “squashed” troubling. 

I spent all this time using my creative writing degree, and came back into the other half of this cast at axe throwing, where Raquel is very good (respect) and Dayna is telling Brett about his big d*ck energy. Is this flirting now? You just… tell the guy he has a big d*ck? No wonder male mediocrity is at an all-time high.

At SUR, Charli tells a table of patrons that she is a picky person about her cheesecake so she goes to the Cheesecake Factory. We truly do not deserve her.

Guillermo comes up to Lisa to air some grievances about Danica. She apparently screwed up her food order at one of her two tables, which somehow resulted in one table getting overcharged $200? I’m not really clear on how that happened. I don’t really think it’s important, what is important is that Lisa clearly regrets hiring an Instagram model to manage one of her restaurants.

The next day, Schwartz and Katie are like, debriefing on their fight or whatever and Katie says she feels the prank was a little insensitive given the times we’re in. Uhh… do we… stan a woke queen? No, you’re right, the bar is so f*cking low for this show that I’ve deluded myself. But, we are cool with an aware person. I’ll say that.

Schwartz’s immediate response, though, is to snap, “don’t be a social justice warrior,” which is equal parts disappointing and unsurprising. Sheesh, read a f*cking newspaper. Ok, no you’re right, that’s asking too much. Read a f*cking tweet or two.

Hold on hold on hold on. Schwartz feels that Katie’s reaction to a prank on a 40-year-old was dumb and immature? But the prank itself was, what? The height of comedy and maturity? Am I living in the Upside Down?

This fight is completely glossed over with one half-assed apology and a little bit of baby talk from Schwartz, which is all it takes for him to get away with anything. I could see this scenario 100% happening:

Judge: On the charge of first-degree murder, how do you plead?
Schwartz: Your honor, I just like, don’t know, did I mess up? Yeah I guess, but, I’m trying my hardest… *puppy dog eyes*
Judge: You’re absolutely right, case dismissed and I award the defendant $1 million for his pain and suffering.

The next day, Katie, Stassi, and Kristen meet to talk about planning a Witches of Weho party. Stassi admitting that she’d rather be a dictator than part of a democracy is probably the most on-brand thing she has ever said. Anyone remember the “Nazi chic” scandal? It’s important to know yourself, I guess.

Lisa and Stassi’s mom join them for some reason, and Lisa spills the beans about seeing everyone in Vegas. The tea? Katie and Tom are getting married for real there, and Kristen. Isn’t. Invited. Wow, this sh*t is for real, then. 

Dayna and Brett are… meeting for drinks? *Checks screen again* they’re on a date? Huh? All it took was one BDE comment and they’re on a date already? This is hella strange. What’s also strange is that on this “date”, they’re like, pretending to psychoanalyze each other. 

Brett: I feel like you have a good head on your shoulders.
Dayna: I’m getting a sense that you may have a complicated relationship with a father figure, whose name starts with J?

Like, did they just add each other on Co-Star? Why are they doing this?

Dayna opens up about losing her mom. And I don’t even open up about any of my traumas until I get to the altar. Not sure if I should be scared or impressed with her. But how long do we think she had that “I have more baggage than Tumi” comment in her back pocket? And furthermore, is it okay if I steal it? 

So while Stassi is bitching to Lisa about how Beau hasn’t proposed yet, Beau is commandeering Katie and Schwartz to help out with the proposal, because he says they’re the only people he knows who can keep a secret. Has he met Schwartz? Schwartz can’t even keep a bartending shift.

Naturally, Kristen calls Scheana to ask what the deal is with Vegas, and naturally, Scheana spills all the beans. Gotta say, I’m kind of into this subplot of Scheana being Kristen’s informant all season. It’s so random, but such a necessary little deus ex machina.

Brittany walks into SUR and greets Peter, and you can tell she’s just waiting for Peter to say something about how she’s a married woman now. Thankfully Peter doesn’t take the bait. I love it.

The fact that we are supposed to believe that Brittany is taking a waitressing job at Sur to support herself is actually offensive. Offensive that they think we, who have been riding or dying for the past 7.5 seasons, will believe this. 

Ariana, Lala and Dayna are hanging out, and I’m not getting into this p*ssy tasting conversation, y’all, so don’t even ask. It’s kind of funny listening to Dayna give some fake justification why she’s ~suddenly~ into Brett (hint: a story line). Also funny that Dayna made a big show out of inviting Max to her birthday party, when in fact she did no such thing, but claims her party is an “open invite.” An “open invite” does not an invitation make. If it does, I’m pulling up next year.

Stassi and Beau are at dinner, once again fighting about whether or not they’re getting engaged. Instead of being like, “it’s coming, I have the ring, just chill out,” he’s like “nahhhh I’mma make it seem like I don’t really wanna get engaged and f*ck with her emotions and I’m stringing her along so she’ll be extra surprised when I finally pop the question.” That is an incredibly sh*tty take. And they are supposed to be the most stable VPR couple. Yikes. I’m beginning to see why the people in my Facebook groups aren’t as impressed with Beau as the general public seems to be.

Anyway, it’s time for Dayna’s birthday party. Unrelated but equally important: Charli named her boobs Tia and Tamera. Again, we don’t deserve an unintentional comedy queen.

Kristen takes Katie outside, and she’s already crying. Yikes haha, this isn’t going to end well. If there’s one thing Katie has disdain for, it’s open displays of emotion. And Kristen.

Katie and Kristen could not be on two more different pages. They’re not even in the same book, or on the same bookshelf. Katie is like, “Kristen, we haven’t been friends in a long time.” Meanwhile, Kristen is still insisting that she loves Katie and would jump in front of traffic for her. I too, would probably jump in front of traffic with respect to Katie, but with a different motive than Kristen for doing it.

Dayna hears that Scheana is actually upset about that she’s dating Max. No wait, Brett. I can’t keep up. Scheana is like, mad that Dayna didn’t clear the date with her? I thought she did that earlier at SUR? I’m very confused. I wish for once Scheana could call a spade a spade and just admit that she’s either A) just upset because she’s hormonal (this is me being generous) or B) upset because she wants to date Brett. 

The more Scheana insists she doesn’t like Brett, the more I just want to scream “the lady doth protest too much”. She really doth, though!

Holy sh*t, thank God Lala finally called out Scheana for taking in all these stray f*ckboys as her “best friend” du jour when she really has an interest in them. Is sober Lala… me?

Damn, I do feel bad for Scheana. Spoken as the designated single friend who’s always witnessing everyone around her find happiness with “their person”, it like, gets kind of annoying being by yourself for yet another significant life event.

Anyway, the episode ends with some sappy speech from Dayna, and then she and Brett, covered in cake, making out. Plus a final gem from Charli, who tries to run away from the cake but ends up with it on her face and in her hair: my skincare routine is too expensive for this sh*t.

Images: Bravo

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Justice For Brittany

Another Monday, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week’s episode wasn’t super exciting, but then again, the season premieres rarely are. We did learn Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, and don’t even come at me like “Well, we don’t know it’s true yet.” It’s Jax. That shit is true. Also I’d like to add that as I edit this recap I am running on three hours of sleep because I was up half the night thinking to myself, “Poor Brittany. She really didn’t deserve this.” So don’t ever accuse me of being unfeeling *angrily glares at my ex and my therapist* But enough about me (for now). Let’s get into this episode.

We open at Scheana’s birthday party with Kristen outside yelling at Faith to talk to Brittany.

I love that Jax refutes these rumors by saying “I didn’t do anything!” and not “I didn’t do IT.” That’s how you know he’s lying. I should work for the FBI.

Kris Jenner FBI

Lisa’s like, “I never believe what I hear unless it’s about Jax.” Same.

Meanwhile, James asks Jax if he did it, and Jax is like, “Come on, man.” ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Kristen says “Jax can suck my motherfucking dick. I wanna ram my stiletto up his asshole.” Kristen, leave the overly specific threats of violence to Stassi. You can’t pull it off.

Scheana is berating Jax (because we all know he did it), and Sandoval’s version of sticking up for Jax is to say to Scheana, “You didn’t see penetration, you don’t know what happened.” Ironclad defense, Sandoval. Someone get him a law degree.

The next day (or some day later), Ken buys Lisa a Rolls-Royce. I don’t really have any commentary here, except to ask if Ken would be willing to take a second, much younger and poorer, wife.

Stassi: If being good at sex gets you a Rolls-Royce, I must be really bad at sex.

Same. I guess Lala is pretty fucking good then? Is that what the whole “Give them Lala” thing is about? It’s all starting to make sense…

Anyway, Stassi is visiting Lisa because she wants to get into event planning. We’ve really come a long way from “You HATE me, Lisa.”

Stassi Schroeder

Stassi: Jax is so lucky I wasn’t at Scheana’s party, because I’ve always wanted to impale someone and have their head on a spike and keep it in my apartment.

See Kristen? That’s how you threaten someone. Take notes. Clearly Stassi has been watching Parks and Rec.

Leslie Knope Head On A Stick

After commercial break, we open at Chez Bubba, where Brittany comes in crying and the first thing out of her mouth is, “What a thirsty little bitch.” Honestly I’m not sure if she’s referring to Jax or Faith.

Katie: IDK why Jax does this. I just think he has a serious problem.

YA THINK? Wow. While we’re handing out honorary degrees, let’s give Katie a fucking PhD in Psychology.

Just when Brittany calls herself a single person, Jax knocks on the door in a not-at-all staged moment. Honestly, not much to report here except that Jax is still being a piece of shit. At one point Brittany says, “I can’t believe you’d do this for me after all I’ve done for you!” and Jax starts to say “What about everything I’ve done for you?” Dude. Read the room.

James rolls up at Pump (or SUR? I can’t keep track. They’re the same place.) with Raquel, who is wearing daisy dukes while asking Lisa for a job. The guys on this show are trash. Tell your girlfriend to put on some damn pants for a job interview, because Lisa doesn’t play games! 

Lisa: Well, what do you do?

Raquel: *30 seconds of silence, probably contemplating if “breathing every time I remember to” is an answer to that question* What do you mean?

Lisa: Like… for work.

Actual footage of Lisa:

Nick Young

Raquel is studying kinesiology at school? Nope. Sorry. No way. I don’t even know what kinesiology is, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but seeing as it ends in -ology and is not cosmetology, I’m gonna have to say it’s too advanced for Raquel. *Braces self for onslaught of cosmetologists in the comments* I’m just saying, it does not require a science degree.

James takes this opportunity to ask for a job, and Lisa gives it to him! Just when I said Lisa doesn’t take shit. Come on, Lisa. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!

Sandoval, Schwartz, Ariana, Ariana’s brother, etc. are celebrating somebody’s birthday. How are all these people born within a two-day span of each other? Was this a requirement for being on the show? 

How have I never noticed that Ariana and Jeremy are exactly the same person? Literally, they have the same face. It is eerie.

Okay I love Logan, being like “Faith may be in the wrong, but she’s not the one in the relationship.”

Thank You

Brittany comes home and goes straight to her room. Jax barges in, ignoring Brittany’s boundaries (again), and after a little back-and-forth screaming, JAX ADMITS HE CHEATS!!!

Me, the entire world except Brittany:

Pretends To Be Shocked

Jax: In the past I’ve gone through months of denial, but now I only denied it for a few days. I’m a changed man.

I’ll alert Dr. Phil.

Ugh Brittany is the sweetest, she really doesn’t deserve this. UGH SHE’S CRYING INTO THE PUPPY AND NOW I’M CRYING.

I feel like it’s weird that everyone’s saying Faith is Brittany’s friend when I don’t think they’ve ever been showed conversing on camera. Anyone else?

Back at this birthday party, Schwartz is wasted on the phone with Jax and crying for no discernible reason. Schwartz is me: crying while day drinking because he realizes he has no drive or ambition. Sandoval comes over to comfort him and HE starts crying, like, “You’re my best friend, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.” Sandoval, getting a real job is not considered “something bad happening to you”. Just so ya know.

Sandoval is crying so hard that he smeared his foundation. 

Vanderpump Rules Season 6 Episode 2

Aw, now Brittany is calling her mom crying. Damn it, why did nobody tell me I needed wine and chocolate for this episode? Dis tew much. *Grabs raw cookie dough from the freezer*

Okay, the waterworks fest is over. It’s Long Beach Pride, and I really hope Scheana will sing another song. But so far it’s just Lisa and Ken driving their car through the parade. This is thoroughly uneventful. Although I wonder if this is the same Pride parade that this girl on Reddit wrote about meeting all the SURvers and then Ariana went on a Twitter rant about because the girl said she wasn’t nice in-person? 

I spend too much fucking time on Reddit. Kind of embarrassed, but also shouts out to the r/BravoRealHousewives sub, where I often lurk.

This Pride parade is looking like a House of Yes sex party, with spanking stations and shit. Color me shocked that Sandoval isn’t into BDSM.

Ariana: Tom and I have a lot of issues that we need to work on, and by “work on” I mean “I hope to beat those issues out of him.”

Stassi’s getting ready to go on a date with Patrick.Kristen is like, “I can’t wait to start planning Stassi and Patrick’s wedding,” and, “I love love love love Patrick.” Can I just replay this on loop from now until the episode Patrick dumps Stassi?

Brittany shows up back to work, talking about how she goes from really mad to sad and back and forth, and Scheana’s like “Oh I know me too, that was me six months ago.” First of all, stop making this about you. Second of all, you were so sad you ran into Rob’s arms like, four days later? K. K. That was not a typo, I just really needed to repeat my disbelief.

From the three seconds of Patrick I’ve seen so far, I do NOT get the hype about this dude. He has the appearance of a hipster and the attitude/voice/mannerisms of a dudebro. Ughhh he’s the worst.

Patrick: You’re a really good person who is batshit crazy and uber talented. I hang out with you everyday and I’m still not sick of you.

Stassi: That’s like some Notebook shit.

I guess romance isn’t dead, kids.

Basically, Stassi and Patrick are arguing because he’s like, “first rule of going on a break is you don’t talk about what happened when you were on a break.” Okay, Ross.

We Were On A Break

Back at Sur, Sandoval is telling Jax that Ariana bought a whip. Because Sandoval isn’t whipped enough. Hey-o!

Brittany comes up to the bar and I’m living for the way she ignores the shit out of Jax. Let that be a lesson to you ladies. If Brittany can ignore her asshole ex-boyfriend when she’s two feet in front of him, you can refrain from texting Fuckboy Alex when you’re two vodka sodas deep. (You know who you are.)

Nope. I take it all back. Brittany slept with Jax, so y’all go ahead and text Alex. Whatever, I’m not gonna crucify the girl. Relationships are messy. Say what you want about Brittany (which I have for like, the past two seasons), but she seemed extremely distraught—if she was acting, get her an Oscar. And like, poor thing. She’s the sweetest country bumpkin who’d never hurt a fly, and Jax committed the worst form of betrayal. Brittany of all people didn’t deserve this. Now if you need me, I’m about to light Jax’s mentions tf up. Until next time.